Coddled and Crippled...
...It should be the name of a reality show because ya just can't make this sh*t up.
DH has spent the last few weeks bragging to everyone about how ss33 landed a great job with benefits for a good company, etc.. At least once a day I hear a little quip about how ss33 is adulting nicely. Even when ss33's gf car broke down and DH had to come to the rescue, ss had asked DH nicely so this was also a sign of adulting. Yeah DH, it's really adulting when you call daddy to tow your gf's car because you don't have the money....m'kay. And why didn't ss have the money for a tow, Oh, oh (the truth comes out) ...because he quit his job. Though he didn't have money for a tow and just quit his well paying job, he did have money to blow at a big party he and gf were at for 3 days, the entrance tix are quite expensive.
Why did ss quite his job? They had the audacity to require overtime during their busy season and it was "killing me" said ss. SS is jobless again, he has started and quit I don't know how many jobs in the years DH and I have been married. My comment on all of this was, "Maybe next time ss gets a job don't brag about it to anyone!" I mean who the feck cares that an adult man got a warehouse job?! His 50th job that he's either quit or been fired from, Seriously no one cares and it's nothing to brag about.
To those who think adult children should come first and be coddled at the expense of the evil conniving new gold digging child hating wife (we won't name names but you know who you are) this is the fallout, adults who can't function in the real world. ss33 thinks he should get a trophy for working a job for a few weeks and (cue baby voice) "being such a big boy and adulting so well!" Now ss is back to having someone else support him while he recovers from *gasp* having to work overtime. Right now it's very young gf who is in college living off of student loans. He's driving her car and living in her space. How long this young dumb girl will put up with it who knows but I hope it's forever so ss doesn't come here wanting to occupy the futon again.
Yes! to that one: "To those
Yes! to that one: "To those who think adult children should come first and be coddled at the expense of the evil conniving new gold digging child hating wife (we won't name names but you know who you are) this is the fallout, adults who can't function in the real world."
DH even said, "It's probably
DH even said, "It's probably my fault he's this way since I let him get away with it for so long." Yep, 10 years of coddling after ss was booted out of the military. A grown man not made to be responsible for his own life, still living in the same room he did when he was a child, having daddy bring home the bacon and take care of all the bills. In his 20's ss bounced from DH to BM's house for a decade like they were sharing custody of him. It wasn't all DH it was BM too but DH is more culpable because it was his money funding the dysfunction.
How old?
"10 years of coddling after ss was booted out of the military." "In his 20's ss bounced from DH to BM's house for a decade" How old is this overworked baby?
There are several good articles on the Internet about how parents coddle and cripple their children. But in most cases the articles seem to address the parents of adult children in their 20's. Maybe this is because once adult children get beyond their 20's the odds of transitioning into self-supporting, successful individuals dwindles considerably.
If you were the BM to SS you might be as blinded as DH. But I think the real problem is NOT so much what a loser they have created but that you have to constantly listen to the 'delusion'. I sure wish I had some good advice for you - I don't. But I appreciate your frustration.
My Sister and her Husband created a similar situation with their son. Gave him his life on a silver platter. At first she would brag about my nephew but as the years went on, and the odds for his success dwindled, an undeniable reality started to creep in. No one likes to admit they made a mistake. My Sister thought she was a fantastic Mother till she died.
I found that the best thing for me was to not respond or make a simple statement, "That's great!" and change the subject. It's a lot harder for you. How can you tell DH the truth without destroying him? The people DH brags to about his son probably look upon SS as a loser too. Your silence and theirs is probably telling your DH more than what he is willing to admit. I know you have made sure none of your money is funding SS in any way and that it will not dip into DH's retirement funds.
DH knows he messed up with
DH knows he messed up with ss33 yet he still holds out hope everytime he gets a job. The one before this was at a pizza place and DH was sure ss would be in management in no time at all. Generally I just listen, stay disengaged and let DH have his fantasy; this time I just had to make a smart@ss quip. It's hard keeping your mouth shut all the time especially in the face of such ludicracy.
"If you were the BM to SS you might be as blinded as DH."
Oh gawd no! I am a foot up the azz kind of parent and there will be no enabling on my watch. My own adult bios are not perfect and have tried pulling the "Life is so hard do it for me" stunt. I recently had to have a very stern conversation with dd23 about putting on her big girl panties and getting to it. bs21 would loooove it I allowed him to live in the basement rent free and play video games. He has learning disabilities and is on SSI so the world would be okay if I cut him some slack but it ain't happening. That boy either has to work or donate plasma, no free ride from momma. I've done my time and they have to learn to take care of themselves because I won't be here forever.
"..you have to constantly listen to the 'delusion'."
Yes this is draining. I'm supposed to be giddy that ss33 has another teenager job and feel sorry for him each time he quits or gets fired...due to no fault of his own of course.
The biggest problem- Thinking
The biggest problem- Thinking you can just quit a job with no backup job waiting for you, because you are so sure someone will carry your lazy ass! I would never dream of quitting a job with no backup. It's not reality! And oh no, not OT! The horror. My SO gets ordered to work OT allll the time. He just worked 6 12-hour days in a row, and his company likes to say "Oh btw, you have to work 12 hours this coming Friday night" (which is supposed to be his day off). Keep in mind it's SUMMER, and people have plans and we have skids every other wknd (for 5 days) in summer, and that messes with his time with them. But he does it, because THAT is what adulting is.
Your SS sounds like a real piece of work.
"Thinking you can just quit a
"Thinking you can just quit a job with no backup job waiting for you, because you are so sure someone will carry your lazy ass!"
And the problem is that someone always has always carried his lazy azz. DH, BM, SIL, friends that let him couch surf who he wore his welcome out with, and now his young gf.
I wish instead of riding in on the white horse when ss drops out of life DH would ask him "So what are you going to do about it?"
I see this all the time with
I see this all the time with DW and SDs, everytime they do anyhing remotely adult she fawns all over them, reminds me of a special needs day camp. She says they need to hear that they did something good so they will keep doing it more, only that's not howthis works, you do that with toddlers and other small children when they are supposed to be learning these things not adults. Plus they only do these things from time to time to make DW think they are more than they actually are.
You'd think ss was special
You'd think ss was special needs with how helpless he is, he's not, and according to DH he's actually a genius who just hasn't lived up to his potential yet. Putting down the stogie may help with that genius stuff man!
Yup, there are so many of
Yup, there are so many of those coddled and crippled people out there trying so hard to "adult", but find they cannot because mommy and/or daddy catered to their ever need. After receiving free room and board, free food, money for clothes and social activities, and in many cases a car handed to them. Well, why should they need to work for a living?
When I met DH, adult SS was living part-time at DH's home. Came and went as he pleased, free room and board. DH even paid for his car and car insurance, bought things for the house he bought with his GF. Yet, somehow, there would be all these bills coming in for poor, widdle, coddled adult step with his name on them. He made more money than DH too, yet he could afford to party all the time, concerts, trips, boats, motorcycles, etc., Why, because daddy always bailed him out when he needed cash. Daddy put an end to that and poor widdle adult skid had the nerve to ask daddy for a loan. Of course, the skid could not sell one of his toys, work OT, or change his lifestyle. DH should of told his DS to go to a bank for a loan.
So, you are spot on. I would be humiliated being an adult and having to sponge off my parents.
"widdle adult skid had the
"widdle adult skid had the nerve to ask daddy for a loan."
"Loan" in family terms means you'll never see a cent from me.
This is the relationship that
This is the relationship that my DH and SS had too. SS couldn't/wouldn't hold a job, then he'd get one and it was always the BEST job at the BEST place. We're talking minimum wage jobs. He got a job as a dishwasher one time and DH bought him a chef's coat.
SS has held on to a good job with benefits now for maybe a year. I am hopeful. And I am still paying his car insurance. He can't quite seem to get that changed but he's "trying." And DH is really hanging on to this last bit of "helping" SS. The really, really good news is that SS's girlfriend (seems serious) has a child. Hoping Karma notices.
"SS has held on to a good job
"SS has held on to a good job with benefits now for maybe a year. I am hopeful."
That's great news!
Last night DH told me that he
Last night DH told me that he talked to ss again and ss confessed that he didn't quit but got fired. Apparently ss's crew had a new supervisor who according to ss was an "idiot" whose expectations were unrealistic. ss started arguing with the super then began yelling at him that he was an idiot. In ss's rendention the supervisor deserved it and ss was justified in his actions and did nothing wrong. On top of it all he's lying to everyone about why he's not working. So much winning!
I really didn't need to know this but apparently DH needed to vent. DH was disappointed but with ss but felt that ss would have done better with the old supervisor rather than the new one "who really didn't know what he was doing." I just want to shake DH and shout, "Stop making excuses for SS!!!" "Let him learn from his mistakes!"
Stepford Daddy
Can't blame you for wanting to scream, Still Learning - I've experienced the feeling. Your DH DOES sound like a male version of the Stepford Wives, like a robot, like he was 'programed' - like my DH used to.
DH's family can't stand SD because she was always demanding and obnoxious with them. One time she tried to steal a boyfriend from one of DH's nieces. SD went to visit them the following Christmas and was her usual self - expecting everyone to wait on her, not picking up after herself, treating everyone like dog doo. DH insisted they were all jealous. Probably thought I was too. LOL If you could see SD compared to the niece you would know they weren't jealous. Today I don't give him the opportunity to talk about SD.
He's 33 years old and acting
He's 33 years old and acting like that at his job? Good Lord!
And your husband supports it? Whether the new supervisor knew what he was doing or not, he was the supervisor. One just does not act like that out in the world.
Yeah 33 and acting like an
Yeah 33 and acting like an entitled toddler. Everytime ss starts a new job DH thinks that he's finally grown up, I actually had hope this time too. After this latest fiasco I don't think it'll ever happen. It's now crystal clear that ss is on a permanent drama/dumb@ss streak and DH can't or won't do anything about it.
Husband enables 26 yr old stepdaughter
Hello new to forum.
Well let me start by saying my 26 yr old SD lives with us. She is the laziest person I have ever met. Never leaves her bed till it's time to get in the car and go to work, then comes home and back in bed. Then she'll get up have 2 servings of dinner and back to bed. Never ever helps around the house and DH always defends her. Mind you she makes good money and can afford her own place. I am so over this shit
Ugh, I'm so sorry and know
Ugh, I'm so sorry and know personally how awful it is to have a lazy adult skid under your roof. Hopefully you'll get her to fly the nest soon.
Snowflakes are bread by
Snowflakes are bred by snowflake breeding parents who facilitate the snowflakes being snowflakes. Your DH is the Emperor of snowflake breeders and the fact that he is proud of his nearly middle aged snowflake is pathetic.
smh
I only hope that the young woman who is supporting this worthless POS wakes up before she ruins her life.
Yes DH was in on creating
Yes DH was in on creating this situation but at the moment he's not proud of his son. Regarding the young gf, I hope she continues to support and put up with him FOREVER because if not he'll come crawling back to daddee and I don't know if our marriage can handle another episode of ss's "I'm homeless, take care of me daddee." Sadly and luckily this young lady has self worth issues so she may think ss is the best she can get.
still learning: FRUSTRATING!
still learning: FRUSTRATING! Yes, it is very frustrating to keep listening to this "build you up" crap. That is exactly what it amounts to. DH is trying to build up your ss. He also is lying to himself. This is all so sad.
My YSS52 spent 15 years in prison for misdemeanors that turned into felonies. It was the same story as your ss33. Job after job, after job. It never ended. He stole equipment, hawked it; he stole ID's, wrote hot checks, on and on.....He has been released now for 3 years. He has to have a job and live with BM (4 hours from us). Since release, he hasn't held a job for 90 days, changes jobs for the same reason as your ss33. He doesn't come around to visit, thank God. We've seen him 3 times in 3 years.
When I met DH, YSS was 16. I never engaged with this "rule breaker" from day one. He was DH and BM's problem from the beginning, with me. I was the one that kicked him off our couch and banned him from our home for stealing, running up our bills, and wrecking our vehicles. DH wouldn't do it, so I did, without a word to DH. I took charge of the drainage on our $$$$ and it stopped years before ss ended up in prison. Of course I'm a mean SM. This is part of SD's complaint; "I mistreated her brother".
I know you are frustrated and I understand. I still cringe when I know YSS is in the area. Everyone knows your DH's excuses; thus your DH also knows, but will never admit it. I feel your despair. You probably have set boundaries; stand by them.
I follow your posts and understand.
It sounds like the brother
It sounds like the brother mistreated the entire family and all of society! Good thing that you as SM were available as a scapegoat or he may have had to take responsibility for his actions. Wish I had never engaged with skids at all.
Yes it's frustrating to have to deal with this on any level. It's a trainwreck that DH continually runs off to and throws his hard earned money on. I've got my own life, job, kids, issues and don't need ss33 bringing his baby sh*t to my door. I'm evil, stole his father, mean and mistreat him as well, yet when I asked DH to please share examples of this *crickets*.
I hear the refrain that 'this
I hear the refrain that 'this is how it is these days' as if that's an answer to it. These dependent Peter pans are a problem for society in general. How are things going to be when all us no nonsense stick in the muds are dead? What will all the snowflakes do without us to wipe their bums for them? Scary eh?
*answer is 'become brown snowflakes'