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Clean the slate

t_bell40's picture

So here is where we are at now. You seen the angst of the past post. Yesterday was my birthday. Turned the big 60 ...uuuggghh. I walk in the door at my girlfriend's house and there is DD22. She says "Hi Tim, Happy Birthday." I give no expression no nothing. I walk past her and there in the bedroom is my girlfriend with the "incredulous look" on her face. I'm thinking DD22 has been nothing but a bitch for past 2mths and now with faint "happy birthday" the slate is supposed to be wiped clean. I don't think so !! But, that being said, my birthday at that point went right straight into the shitter. My GF and I went round and round and round about your DD is a little bitch and needs to act like an adult. I am tired of your coddling her and your defense of anything and everything she does. I was soooo upset I felt nauseated . I told my GF that this was the best birthday present you could have ever given your DD. She is elated that we are at odds. But, and this is a very big but. I told my GF I am not going anywhere. We all need to do the work that is necessary to keep a relationship alive. That includes DD.
Not sure how Christmas is going to go. I know if I cook and clean and do a lot of wrapping of presents that It will be tolerable. I just have to do a lot of work. That's all

sandye21's picture

Is this your daughter or GF's daughter? You both seem to agree she is a b*tch so why is she still there?

bedazzled's picture

I totally get how you feel. My DH's 2 kids have bullied me for 13 years. They robbed me of myself esteem. Made me spiral into depression. DH and his family shugged it all off. Said they were angry because they were used to having DH all to themself. They were adults when we got together they were not little kids.

No body wants to call it what it is. Bullying. Nobody wants to see what it has done to me. DH and all his family say I have to get over it and be willing if either one of them say they are sorry(they have not) I should just get over it.

The trouble with second or third marriages is that everyone around you doesn't think that it is a real marriage. They think that you should not be treated the same way in the marriage that a first wife should be treated. Because your SO had children already you should just suck up being treated like crap? It should all just be ok. It doesn't matter how it has made you feel or what it has done to you. You are just the 2nd time around. You are replaceable again.

If your bio kids treated you like that would people tell you to just suck it up? If skids treated BM like that would they just tell her to suck it up? No they wouldn't. They would have the respect for the marriage. Would their bio parents be ok with them treating their aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, coworkers, and strangers that way? Would they tell them all to just suck it up? How would they feel if Skids spouses treated them like that? How about if Skids end up with skids of their own? Does that give their skids the right to treat them like crap? or is that different?

Because you fell in love with someone who had kids you should be ok with being bullied and just turn the other cheek? I guess If you marriage that you had kids with doesn't workout you should not have any chance of a happy marriage again. You don't count.

If your skids bully someone else is it that persons fault? If SD or SS bullies their spouse is it their spouses fault? How about if they bully their kids? So who ever these people bully should they be ok with it all if they just say sorry?

My sister in law told me today. That DH and his kids were not healed when I came along. DH had been divorce 3 years. So I need to let go of the way I have been treated It was not their fault.
I am the one with the problem. She said If DH and I end up getting divorced that then he and his kids can work on healing and his next relationship will be able to start off on the right foot.
She is married to her first husband and father of their kids. So I guess they matter and I don't because I am not DH first wife and mother of his kids. I guess I was just here for DH to learn how to heal and move on.

I guess I don't matter at all. Maybe If DH had put his marriage first and built a strong foundation his kids couldn't break up maybe they would have quit trying. You can't do it by yourself.

Nobody deserves to be bullied because they want to build a strong happy relationship with someone they love. Why can't these kids be happy for their parents? This is their parents 1 life also.

Why do these kids deserve happiness and their parents dont? When their marriage to BM ended should their life just ended to? Why should the second husband or wife not matter? I guess once you have kids your life belongs to them even if they are grown and have their own life. I guess you no long have any right to happiness with anyone but them.

Does my DH think less of me and I don't matter because I am just his 3rd wife and not His kid mom? His family does. According to them it is all my fault. I am the one with the problem. I should just keep turning the other cheek again and again. Skids have no accountability at all.

sandye21's picture

Your sister-in-law is an a$$. My own sister came out with some of these verbal 'nuggets' until I reminded her how SD was treating me like her Mother-in-law treated her. You should bully her and then tell her it isn't your fault because you are 'healing' from being bullied by the skids.

t_bell40's picture

You matter greatly Moose !!! It is your husband and his brats that need to work on themselves !!! Big time.!!
I know it is hard for kids and adults too going through a divorce. I have always felt like my kids sided with my ex cause I am such a rotten guy. Well now it has been 17yrs since we've been divorced. She has moved out of state and away from 2 of our children. She sees the grand kids 2 times a year. Once in summer when she comes down from heaven (Alaska) and once at Christmas. Wonder what they think about mom now. I, dad, have been there for both of my addict children. One addicted to alcohol and the other heroin. Where is mom now ?? Nowhere to be found. She's not so dumb is she.
Oh, and she is remarried now to a guy that seems to have a drinking problem and is very controlling. That is what she use to accuse me of.
I wish the worst for her.!!!
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but, when you are dealing with all that I have dealt with alone, you get to feeling very angry !!!

notasm3's picture

Not all families are made up of toxic aholes. I am my DH's third wife. His 4 siblings, their spouses and childre adore me. They treat me wonderfully. Not one has ever made a suggestion that I put up with SS32's crap.

The ILs that try to tell a SP to "get over it" are just toxic aholes themselves and are best avoided.

A good life lesson is to NEVER take advice or listen to complaints from stupid aholes.

Thumper's picture

notasm has made valid and useful points. Happy belated Birthday by the way. Pivotal moment huh.

In a similar way I AM respected in the circles WE keep. My/our bios do NOT and I mean do not cause drama or act disrespectful. They would most certainly NOT consider that in our home. If they did they would not be IN our home much less in our lives. Can you believe we have peaceful, pleasant holidays. IMANGIN that.

My dh's family what is left of them are so nice to me too. As are MY family members to my dh'. I am so thankful for my siblings.

We don't go for the toxic bs crap so many families put up with. I am totally blown away as to the volume of bs, terrible awful behavior people are willing to put up with these days. I have to ask WHY? WHYYYYYY????

Dr. Laura asks people who call in almost on a daily basis, "do you want to live LIKE THIS between now and dead"

My comments do not include the now adult step kids. CS is still being paid for unrelated reasons. NO not arrears. Never applied to us.

The above is Only people who we are involved with and whom we choose to be in our lives.

JMO of course.

SugarSpice's picture

parents are blind to the bad things their own children do. they can be felons and released from prison and still steal from the family home and a parents will try to make excuses.

i threw one adult skid out of the house after i was told to my face to go to h%ll. a few months later i learned dh had given the skids a house key again without telling me. his lame a$$ excuse was "well we all seem to be getting along better." i was furious.

i hate having skid walk into the house without ringing the door bell like he still lives here.

i have a mind to just be in the front room in my underwear when she shows up.

t_bell40's picture

Blind To The Bad,
Good point Sugar. My GF just lets her daughter trash out her room and trash out the bathroom. When ask "why don't you say something to her ?" she just say " We've gone down that path, I just don't care to get into it with her." I think ,cause I'm old school, get the room spotless and keep it spotless or get the hell out !!!
It is her only child and I have told her more than once that her obsession with her daughter is going to be the death of us !!!! We've dated 8yrs now. DD is 22 and paying off bills but, even down the road I don't see a time when she won't somehow find a way to weasel her way into the house her mom and I are sharing. I have already planned my response. If she needs to come and stay with us , I will have her mom and her go get a hotel room. No kids at the new house period !! Not mine not hers !!!!! Only kids allowed will have grand attached to the front....lol