This is my first contribution to this forum. By outward appearances things may not look so bad, so I am confused and not sure if my perspective on my stepkids (and my girlfriend, their mom) is warranted.

My girlfriend of 8 years and I are not married but I am calling her two kids my stepkids. She is 21 and he is 23.

Stepson recently wrecked my car in an accident. He wasn’t hurt but the other driver had chest pains and went to urgent care. Both mine and the other drivers’ insurance company, as well as the police report concluded that stepson caused the accident, but I did not get an admission of guilt from him, not even an apology. I paid $500 to get the car out of the tow yard and demanded he pay it. His mother refused to let him pay it, but she gave me $400, missing the point entirely. He is 23 years old and needs to be an adult and held accountable. In typical fashion she refused to find fault with him and belittled me because I didn’t fight my insurance company on the ruling!! I reviewed the police report evidence myself and there is no doubt he caused it. I pointed out that she doesn’t understand insurance companies since the last thing they want to do is make a payout. My premiums went up as a result, but I dropped him and everyone else from my policy, so it worked out.

Now he is driving a RAV 4, and I’m not sure if she bought it for him or what, but in my opinion he should’ve been riding the bus. Since high school he’s earned close to $10,000 a year for the past 4 years, but is always broke? He should have saved up his money for a new car since he doesn’t pay rent and doesn’t pay any bills. He’s been taking one or two classes a semester at a local community college but last I heard his GPA was below 2.0 (after 4 years?!) and could not qualify for financial aid (FAFSA). His mother made excuses for him, of course.

Stepdaughter was always problematic and narcissistic; always having some self-induced crisis or drama, never listening to us, never exercised good judgment and did not possess good sense, causing a drain in our time and energy. I was happy when she turned 18 and went off to college, about 3 hours away and the only college that accepted her. I was hoping this would at least smarten her up and give her the opportunity to learn basic life skills and become independent. I could not have been more wrong about her. She got pregnant her first semester, finished out the year and came home. And not by some nice college boy who at least had goals and direction to the future. No, it was some college dropout guy in his early 20’s who worked at the same fast food restaurant and lived with his mommy. After all is said and done, it all made sense since that’s the kind of guy she attracts.

The boyfriend ended up living with us in my home, even though I opposed it (my girlfriend allowed it without my knowledge or consent, even though I paid the rent and all the bills). I let him stay assuming he would save up his money to put down for their own place to raise their baby together.

They wanted me to move us to a one-story house to make it safer to raise their baby daughter, and that was perhaps my biggest mistake. I loved our house and hated the one we eventually moved to. But I did it because I felt I needed us to “be a family”. That didn’t last long; the guy decided he was leaving the stepdaughter and baby and moving back to his mommy’s house, a week before Christmas and we had not even finished unpacking.

The stepdaughter ended up leaving a couple months afterwards with their baby to live with him in his mother’s house. This might’ve been their plan all along, who knows, but I moved out of the house I loved for nothing. The stepson used to mostly crash at his cousins' house and stayed home when his sister was here. But after she left I didn’t see him much anymore.

So, I moved us, again, this time to a smaller and more affordable 2-bedroom apt. Sold a lot of stuff, including her bed and dresser ( at her request, even though I told her and her boyfriend to come get it). As far as I was concerned her moving out was permanent.

Few months later she called saying she was dropping out of college and moving back, for unclear reasons and using inconsistent logic. I told her no, the boyfriend is legally required to provide for his daughter and she’s going to have to work it out. But she dropped out of college anyway after first week of classes and came back anyway, against my wishes. Drama began with her and her baby daughter living in our small apartment. Meanwhile, the guy is having the time of his life upgrading his car, buying new fishing equipment, and not having to provide for his daughter.

After a few months she moved BACK up to his house. That lasted all of 2 months, then she said she’s moving back down with us, AGAIN. I said no, absolutely no. You cannot keep changing your mind and expecting us to rearrange our lives around your every whim.

Around this time her mother was staying at an undisclosed location because her daughter drove a rift between us and she had “moved out”. Apparently she rented a room at someone else’s place, but never told me the address and acted nervous and evasive when I dared to ask! So I told her, your daughter is moving in with you, wherever that is.

Sometime after that my girlfriend moved back in with me against my wishes. Apparently the leaseholder at her other place lost her job and was moving out. I told her it wasn’t OK but she did it anyway because I suffer from “Nice Guy Syndrome”, or so I’m told. After that it was never the same; we were essentially roommates but I was always paying the rent and all the bills. Her kids didn’t move back to our small apartment with her; I’m not sure where they are staying but at this point I didn’t care anymore.

(I should mention that my girlfriend was cheating on me around the same time her daughter got pregnant, even though she continues to deny it and outright lie about it. Of course this helped contribute to this problem overall. However, that’s another story. This forum is about her stepkids )

Now the stepdaughter is pregnant again. She had an IUD implanted sometime after her daughter was born, but must’ve had it removed since then. She wasn’t “planning on getting pregnant”, even though she had her IUD removed and had unprotected sex with her boyfriend of a couple of months without using birth control. Wasn’t “planning" on it!?! She is unstable and majorly dysfunctional. She plays the victim well, but everything that ever happened to her happened as a result of adult decisions she made under conditions that were always within her control, and always against good advice and good judgment. Maybe her mother shouldn’t let her control her and tell her enough is enough. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Reap what you sow, whatever applies! But of course I am wrong and the “bad guy” because I am unsupportive. The stepdaughter is manipulative and always needed more attention than anyone was ever able to give her. She doesn't even come around me. She knows better. She knows I see right through her lies and fake act of being so sweet and innocent.

Recently I moved out. I already disconnected the cable and internet (something they can’t live without). I can’t help feeling a tremendous sense of failure. There is no excuse for her kids’ behavior. I provided a beautiful home with their own rooms, free cable TV and internet, I drove them to school, paid for their driving lessons, and they graduated from high school on time. I bought her a car when she went to college. But any effort I made to provide guidance or any fatherly advice or even to get close to them went unheeded. I got them when they were already starting high school, so maybe it was too late for me. She raised them with another guy, a previous boyfriend who they called “Dad” but tried to keep that from me, for some reason. (they called me by my name).

I would appreciate your perspective on this. Thanks for listening!