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Can someone PLEASE help me understand SD 22’s screaming fits and just attitude when she doesn’t want to talk about something?

fadedbackground's picture

I will admit that I grew up in a house where I was loved, but we didn’t necessarily share our feelings a lot, but we kept things civil. However the dynamic between SD and H and BM is anything but civil. SD immediately goes to screaming and crying and running into the other room and calling her mother any time H pushes her to talk about something or tries to get her to see that she needs to change her lifestyle. She won’t discuss it and has no issue making a huge scene in the backyard for the neighbors to hear. She did this 5 years ago as well as last week where she screamed and said horrible things. 5 years ago the neighbors called the cops and they showed up at our door because she was screaming so much. That was absolutely mortifying! She has done this with all her relationships. Will have screaming fights with her boyfriend, friends (who immediately turn into NOT her friends afterwards because they slighted her). I honestly know no other 22 year old who is like this. And how can she say 2 hours prior that she’s loves her dad and then when he pushes her to get real about her life she screams profanities and “I hate you, you aren’t my dad, don’t call me your daughter, I never want to see you again”. She has no idea how to civilly deal with things she doesn’t want to talk about. BM has done the same thing with H over the phone. I’ve heard her screaming at him and he can’t get a word in edgewise. Add to that she’s 22 and walking around with a teddy bear! And how often she’ll say that her teacher hates her, her manager hates her and tried to get her fired, her friend’s friend hates her so she is no longer friends with either one of them, her boyfriend’s brother and his wife hate her and won’t let her near their baby, her boyfriend’s parents hate her. These are all things we’ve heard from her over the years. How can that many people hate her and she always has no clue why they do?! Like she is just perfectly nice and friendly and she just cna't figure out why they hate her. Or it's just in her head. Then when someone says something nice about her she blows that out of proportion and makes it seem like that person thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread and guess who is her new best friend for a few weeks until they stop giving her compliments?!

 

This is why I just can't stand to be around her at all, and apparently I won't have to worry about that for quite some time after her last meltdown with H.

Winterglow's picture

Ban her from your home completely. Why would you have someone there whose behaviour is so extreme the neighbours called the cops? If your dh wants to see her he can see her elsewhere. There's no need for her to darken your door ever again.

There is also no need for him to tolerate his ex's histrionics. Block her number, block her on all social media, there is no reason for them to talk about a 22 yo adult. If the SD has something to say to him, let her ask him herself.

fadedbackground's picture

Well the screaming fits between him and BM are no more. That was all before SD turned 18 and how many times she'd scream at him over the phone for whatever reason. Now they barely have contact. And no fear of seeing SD at our place any time soon becasue she had her meltdown last week with H saying how she hated him and never wanted to see him again. Funny becsue just a week prior on the phone she said she loved him!. Oh but her anxiety and depression is what keeps her this way. Trust me, she tells us ALL the time abotu how she can't do something because of her anxiety. She said she's going ot therapy, but I can't imagine that her therpist tells her to tell everyone she can't do stuff because of her anxiety.

But BM backs her up with the way she acts. She tells SD to be strong and not let anyone treat her badly, which apparenlty amounts to her screaming to get her way and any slight from anyone and they are banned from her life.

tog redux's picture

She's told you - she has depression and anxiety (and probably a personality disorder).  I don't know why neither of you believe she has those diagnoses, given the way she acts. 

Both DH and you need to just let it go and let her live her life as she pleases. Just set boundaries around how it intersects with your life. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You keep looking for explanations other than what the girl herself has told you. She has told you she has depression and anxiety - just because they manifest in ways you don't agree with does not mean she doesn't have them.

In the latest incident, your DH kept pushing her until she reacted - given her past behavior, I don't know why he thought she would act any different. She had just arrived after several months away, and it sounds like he spent the evening criticizing her and every life choice she has made. She overreacted - but that is her way of coping. Another reason she acts this way is because she seems to be modeling her mother's behavior.

 

BethAnne's picture

I wish I had known a few years ago that anger can be a symptom of depression a few years ago when I was filled with so much rage on occasions that it scared me. Even my therapist at the time just told me that I was probably just hungry and should eat something.... he was useless. When I found out (after things got better for me) that the anger was part of my depression it made so much more sense and I wished someone had told me at the time so I could have worked on getting better. 

Kes's picture

Why would you want to understand her?  What's she even doing in your house, at 22 she needs to get her own life and her own place.  No way would I put up with this ridiculous behaviour from a 22 yr old going on 10. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder possibly.

I agree with Kes above. I tried understanding my OSD44, but it doesn't change a thing. Your SD is messed up and she is not your daughter. Let your H handle the relationship with his daughter.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You asked that we PLEASE help you understand. The answer is that the problem lies with YOU, and your refusal to get real with yourself. Stop avoiding YOURSELF. If you would only invest in some therapy, you could learn how to better manage yourself and these issues wouldn't dominate your entire existence the way they seem to.

Your H, his ex, and his daughter have remained consistent in their trashy low rent behavior for aaall the years you've been posting on ST. Fish swim, and people do what they do. For you to still be getting so upset about it shows that you lack insight and would rather cling like a barnacle to victim status than evolve and take responsibility for YOUR part in YOUR mess.

I honestly don't know what more we members can do for you, since you disregard every single piece of advice offered. As long as you refuse to help yourself, nothing will change.

sandye21's picture

OP, there comes a time when you really need to help yourself.  You know what you need to do.  One of my favorite sayings used to be "A little masochism never hurt anyone" until a very good friend replied, "Yes it does."

advice.only2's picture

Does it matter? She is 22 living on her own and doesn't come to visit you unless your DH is planning some over the top trip with your money.

Harry's picture

This is not anyway normal for a 22 yo.  She must of gotten this disorder from BM.  So BM thinks it normal.  I would band her from your home.  DH can see her outside of your home,  

We been following your story for months.  We told you it would not end well. But believe you were going to make it go FL.
  Disengage from it all. Because DH did not see it in his ex. He not going to see it it in his DD 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oh, I do. No matter how many different user names you use.

But it's always nice to be appreciated. *pleasantry*

strugglingSM's picture

Any time one SS is embarrassed or upset that DH is actually parenting (e.g. yelling at him for punching his brother in the face), he will scream, cry, and run away to call BM. One time, his phone had been taken away as punishment and he paced around the house like an animal because he couldn't call BM. 

I think he and BM feed off one another - when one is upset, the other mirrors their anger, sadness, or fear. It's not a healthy dynamic, but BM has been doing it for years. Now the other SS has started freaking out about things - according to BM - but fortunately, only does that with her, not with us. 

My SS is only a young teen, so I'm not looking forward to the days when he is a screaming, crying adult. 

Ispofacto's picture

It's a manipulation tactic.  She does it because it works.  No one has given her consequences for failing to reign in her temper.  She's a brat and it's not going to get better.

 

shamds's picture

way her mum behaves. Yeah its a manipulative tactic but what does hubby do to shut it down? 

She is 22 and if she wom’t behave then “out the door she goes” and she can figure out where to go or when she’ll decide to behave respectfully...

surely hubby can’t think this is acceptable for him, you, other kids or neighbours to have to tolerate on a regular basis?? He’s just coddling her unacceptable behaviour

shamds's picture

way her mum behaves. Yeah its a manipulative tactic but what does hubby do to shut it down? 

She is 22 and if she wom’t behave then “out the door she goes” and she can figure out where to go or when she’ll decide to behave respectfully...

surely hubby can’t think this is acceptable for him, you, other kids or neighbours to have to tolerate on a regular basis?? He’s just coddling her unacceptable behaviour

Rags's picture

Why do you care why she throws her screaming fits? There is nothing to understand. The why doesn't matter. That she does it at all for any reason is what matters and what needs to be dealt with.

First, buy some ear plugs and a compressed air horn at the hardware store.  When she starts put in your ear plugs then lay on the super loud air horn until she shuts the F up.  When she opens her mouth again hit the horn as soon as she starts to scream.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Once she is lying on the floor crying in pain with ringing ears and flopping around with her teddy bear in a temper tantrum adult sized toddler frustration driven tear fest tell her to pack her shit and GTFO. Then call the locksmith to come rekey the locks.

If your DH says a word about it tell him he can pack his shit and leave with his failed breeding/parenting experiment. That he has not handled this over the past nearly quarter of a century makes him a write off anyway. It will be no great loss if he goes with her.

Once she is out you won't have to hear about how everyone hates her or have to hear her screaming fits.  Your neighbors will thank you for booting her infantile screaming ass out.

smh

sandye21's picture

Thanks for the laugh!  And I CAN laugh today - a lot more than when I was living with the same type of abuse as the OP.  I was held hostage by a constant diet of overly dramatic BS - something the 'average person would never put up with from a stranger.  Because they are supposed to be 'family' we are programed to 'try to make things better'.   When I found ST in 2010 I had been living much like the OP - for 20 years.  After some good tips from people like you, I learned the situation was NOT going to get any better unless I got off my 'persecution complex' ass and actually DID something.  The air horn thing SEEMS a bit outrageous but sometimes you have to use whatever is available to get your point across.  If I was in the same situation as 2010 today,and saw your post, I would have literally RUN to purchase an air horn.  LOL LOL 

OP, as others have suggested (many times) please see a therapist who will guide you on your journey to get off this merri-go-round.

Rags's picture

I am so sorry that you or anyone else has ever had to deal with toxic crap like you have experienced.  That anyone would put someone they love through that by tolerating the behavior of toxic spawn is mind boggling to me.

If my brothers or I had ever even twitched in the direction of behaving like these tragic crotch droppings do towards either of our parents the other parent would have taken us out..... Don't F with dad's wife and do not F with mom's husband.  That they happen to be our mom and our dad would not have saved us from being on the missing child list for all eternity while mom and dad enjoyed the fruits of their well fertilized garden.  (Joke!) But it makes the point that my parent's sons would never risk the consequences for the kind of behavior that seems so prevalent in far too many blended families.

I am glad that you are in a better place and do not need to go shopping for an air horn.

 

Rags's picture

I'm happy to help with a laugh.

In my first SParent community, a very small one, long long ago I recommended that a SM on the site use the spray bottle technique on her violent developmentally challeged SD.  Her SD would flip out and kick, hit and bite her.  My thought was that if she used the spray bottle to spray her in the face that it would distract her SD and break the freak out cycle.

It worked.  She adopted it with not only her developmental deficite SD she used it on her own BKs who had similar though less volatile issues.    

The airhorn is an adaptation of that long ago SParent discussion. 

I would love to see the YouTube video of the airhorm and ear plug model in action.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

When someone tells you what they are BELIEVE THEM.  My Twit once danced down my driveway chanting, loudly, that she wasn't normal and never had been.  That was the only true thing I ever heard her say.

fadedbackground's picture

Ahhh! BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER is SD having the meltdown a few weeks ago and swearing (once again 5 years later) that she hates H, he's not her father and never wants to speak to him again. I hope this time it holds! It is SO nice knowing that there will not be any stupid amounts of money spent on presents going to SD for Christmas this year, which H always does when he never sees her. There will be no visits from her at all in the near future (dare I say ever? I can dream!). No worry about her bringing up her loser boyfriend or her loser friends to spend a weekend. No more agony of wondering why the sudden flurry of texts or calls from her after months of nothing when I see our online usage and wondering if she's having issues with the boyfriend and H is trying to convince her to come up here to get away, or even better, come up here to live. Amazing how much relief there is getting her out of our lives for however long it may be.