Yes it can work, if you do not lower yourself to the steps and BM level, keep your head held high, try to keep an open mind and support your DH, he will eventually see things and people for how they are, My DH sees how close I am to his son and how awful his BD is to me, he supports me, the more she is nasty the more he sticks by me, at the end of the day its her choice, she had the choice to fit in and be a family or be nasty and stay out, it was never our choice she chose it herself. I have always conducted my self in an adult, polite and gracious manner it has paid off. As the saying goes give people enough rope and they hang themselves. My advice it takes years to fit together as a family, dont disengage too soon but if you think you have been more than fair and enough time has passed that it has not worked then disengage. If you love you man he is worth the challenges a step family brings but it is never easy.

Ive disengaged in the last couple of yrs...

it also helped that SD16 doesnt come over like she used to...shes 16 now...and her mom got what she wanted....like SD16 ignoring the dad...and hurting him...with comments and gestures...and just calling him when she needs something...three weeks ago outta the blue, she sent him an email asking if he had insurance for her teeth, he replied he didnt but he might get it through work by the end of the year.
Havent heard from her since then!

Dh has also disengaged, believe it or not...
he's accepted the fact that the damage is done and that BM has won...
now its up to SD16 as she will enter adulthood to open her eyes about her mom.

Yes, it CAN work. I am blessed to have a BF that is on the same page as me. He respects my feelings and that I do not like or want to be around or involved with his S10 ever!!! He doesnt push me, force me, or otherwise to like/love his kid. He sees how skid and bm are and how they dont give 2 shits about him unless it involves $$$. I am SOOO THANKFUL to have a man that has a backbone and puts ME FIRST!!!

That is the key to a successful relationship with dh/so...you BOTH have to be on the same page and communicate openly and honestly with eachother, be consistent and dont let bm & skids have their way on anything. BM/Skids can and will try to come between and ruin what you have (most, not all) BUT if you remain a united front and dont let that happen you can succeed!!!

It can work. I have been with my husband for 16 years. It helps if boundaries are set and known to all from the get go.

BM was not allowed to run our household.
SD was not allowed to run our household.

BM pulled her share of crap and SD tried to follow in her footsteps but it has never gotten either of them anywhere.

We have a decent relationship with SD (now 21) and have NO contact with BM. My journey has been a picnic compared to some. I was blessed with a mild mannered SD. She has learned some not so desirable traits from BM but nothing that we can't handle (she's really not very good at manipulation or lying but she tries, God bless her!).

And yes, it definitely helps if you and DH agree on how to handle things, what will and will not be tolerated, and what your priorities are (your marriage should be first).

It's working for me

I love my SS, DH is behind me every step of the way and I refuse to disengage.

BM is somewhat a "non-issue" because she is too scared to take us to court for ANYTHING, and too lazy to be a full time mom so I don't really concern myself with her. If I want to do something with my SS, I do it. And DH backs me 100%. I suppose it helps in our situation that BM is a sloth. Something may piss her off, but she is too lazy to do anything about it. I will continue to always do what is best for my kids, and I don't care who it pisses off.

DH and I have been together for nearly 8 years. I have a great relationship with my SS and I wouldn't change a thing. Except maybe the balance in my bank account, but that's a wish for a genie

It works for me and DH, it works for my dad and stepmom, and it is working in several families I know.

DH is on the same page as me, and does not allow his young adults to control him. They used to; they and BM spent years abusing him, but he finally saw the light.

If DH had not woken up, we would not be together. His children thought they owned him, and they are downright vicious. DH knows I do not want anything to do with them bc of their actions and treatment of DH and me. I know he wishes we could all get along, but that will never happen. Their values and morals were taken directly from BM, and I will never be able to have a relationship with them. If they were younger, dealing with BM would be impossible, as she is really crazy.

As others have said, our marriage is first, DH and I put each other first.

I've been a sm for about 12 years. There were times i thought ss would be the end of us. He is now 14, lives with my mil, and not only have I disengaged from him, but so has dh as well. It took a long time to come to this point, but right now although issues crop up almost all are more actually related to my inlaws. So him living out of the home and dh not really having any visitation (ss not interested in visiting in OUR home although he would allow dh to take him on a vacation, camping, or someplace away from our home, me, and our kids)is what is working for us right now.

I can honestly say I gave 100 percent to this situation for years and years. SS14 is just not interested in being part of a "family" with me and my kids-although we've known each other since ss was 1. We can't force him and him living here or even visiting with any sort of regularity just does not work if he will not accept everyone here as some sort of family. It took dh awhile to see that for himself, but he has. I'm glad I didnt give up on my marriage, but that I rode it out. I am aware that more problems could arise-I guess my inlaws could drop dead and we might end up taking ss back, but in the event that something catastrophic like that happens I would still know I am on the downhill slide and this kid only has 3.5 year til he is 18.

Things worked for me before my husband died. We were married for 17 years. I knew at some level that the kids were not happy with his marriage to me but we were so happy together that I just didn't let it bother me. There were snide remarks and small hurts over the years, but I tried my hardest to rise above them. I never stopped giving to them. I loved my grandchildren so much and I thought that brought us closer together because whether they liked it or not, their kids loved me.

Then my husband died and all hell broke loose. All I can say is be prepared for that. Make sure everything is on order. Those snide remarks and small hurts come back big time. I've become the stereotypical step mom A lot of pain.

SD25 is beginning to come around, following DH sitting her ass down & explaining to her just how hurtful her shitty behavior has been.

SD15 has been banned from our home for her visitations since for 4 months, and we occasionally take her to dinner or do something brief with her. It's enough for DH for the time being to just see her now & then. But the truth is: she's 15-yo, in high school, busy as hell with her extracurricular activities, friends, a boy friend....she doesn't have that much interest in doing the whole visitation with dad thing....at least not right now. When Christmas rolls around & it's time to collect the loot, it will likely be a different matter.

Meanwhile, life is SO much more calm without her chaos & drama & bullshit.

So, essentially, BM won. She manipulated & PASd until SD15 doesn't have that much interest in coming around. As SD15 continues to age & hopefully mature, I hope she will finally see her mother for who & what she is. But, I have doubts that will ever happen. The loyalty to mom is too strong.

DH & I are happy as can be though....so yes, it can work....just different for everyone's situation.

DH and I have been together for 16 1/2 years. It took many many years for boundaries to be put in place. Years and years of counseling with skids. Sadly, DH was ruled by guilt for about 15 1/2 of those years and he sees now how he let guilt rule his decisions in regards to skids. After all of it, he has no contact with is kids. His family doesn't help that by getting in the middle of it all either.

We also were in counseling as a couple for a while so we could communicate effectively. Of course that was many many years ago - LOL!!!!

This past year has been the best ever without all the skids drama and BM's drama. Sadly, his family has tried to keep the drama alive.