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Boyfriends SD - wants to move near us - 4 kids -

Dragonfly6's picture

I have started a blog and want to come here for feedback.

BF has 1 daughter who is 30 with 4 kids. Last one was born 2 months ago with babydaddy #2. Other 3 are from same guy who is incarcerated. All under the age of 7. She lives on the east coast. We are on the west coast. Lived with her mother (BF Xwife) for 10 years before mom let lease lapse and moved out. She is living with bbday#2.

BF hears sporadically from her, when she want something. He has helped with grandkid things - ft camp, gymnastics for gkids through ex-wife and paying directly. Not large costs. In January she texted for $500 to make rent and would pay him back from her tax return. He did not want to then decided to. She has not paid him back.

BF birthday was Sunday. Daughter reached out and wants to move near us to get a fresh start. This has been a topic in their household based on what the grandchildren were talking about with grandpa.

Many of you know how this story is playing out and it does not take a psychic to predict the possibilities here.

BF is retired military can be very disciplined and structured. Not happy with daughter's choices but loves his grandkids. Has expressed that to me.  We live together in my rental in my name only. We have discussed marriage and getting engaged. I am a professional woman no biokids. We are compatible in so many ways and I love him. This was an area that I knew I needed to watch. I love him but I love myself more and will need to set some hard boundaries here including ending the relationship if this goes sideways. I am prepared to do that if necessary. Getting married is on hold though he is not aware of it as I want to see how he is going to handle this.

I have already had conversations with him about what research has she done (none) her plans are (move and get jobs), has she saved money for the move (no -no surprise here). I also put a hard stop on them staying with us, even for a few weeks until they get settled. That will not happen. He said to her that he would help her but not support her. He says he sees the manipulation she is doing with the grandkids.

I realize this may be a ploy for her to find another resource as the "bank of mom" has closed and she may not move here.

I would appreciate perspective and thoughts as I begin navigating this situation. I am thankful this has come up prior to us getting married or combining assets. There will be a tight prenup should we move forward with getting married later.

 

 

Harry's picture

She looking for a new Bank.  Do Not let them move in with you, not for one day,  Do not open the door to that.  Most likely your funds are not Co mingle.  They to not let BF paid for SD move and Monet for her to move into an appointment.   I know there nothing you can do except say it a bad idea.  It will effect your relationship, ect. 

Try to make sure SD does not replace you.if she does time to move on.   If BF doesn’t have a hint by now, He will never see it 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Yup, she's looking for someone to subsidize her and her motley crew of poor decisions. But if your bf's adult daughter can't afford rent, how will she afford to move across the country? I'm gearing up to move half way, and it's going to cost at least 4k. Hopefully this is just idle talk.

Distance is the only thing protecting you at this point. You need to be VERY firm about your boundaries and tell your bf you have a zero tolerance policy for drama, enabling, and b.s. Warn him that you will not countenance your peaceful life being disrupted by his daughters poor decisions and will not be suckered into raising any of her kids. You can't be too clear about this.

 

somethingwicked's picture

What is going on and what happened  from the time  a few days past you wrote your very strong  decision  not move in or marry this man until you know that he is not going to weaken and support his sponge daughter her sponge BF and the 4 little innocents ?

Are you wavering? Is SO working on you to wear you down?

Is he leaning on you to soften you up?

Bank of Mom closed.

30 year old did not skate through a decade of life  on her own shifting her  own responsibilities . She never wanted to be anything but a user /taker popping out children gaming the system and developing advanced  mooching techniques  with finesse and guilting  her bioparents. Mom is done and now it is Dadee's turn to fork over love in the form of money and 30 year old knows EXACTLY the buttons to push.

Please stay aware and do not throw in with this man ,marry him and have a rotten life full of angst , argument and your soul hollowed out from this man's Daddee Guilt.

 

 

Dragonfly6's picture

Thank you for responding, Wicked your directness is helpful! I realize I may have not been clear in my forum post.

I will continue to observe the situation and be very very clear with boundaries. I am not waivering and he is not wearing me down. I am pulling information together and we will continue to have conversations. Leaning on me to soften up will not work. I love him but I love me more.

I am assessing that what will the long term look like and is it something I want to do? It will be decades of strong boundaries with him which maybe just fine. What does our future look like. I want to give it some time to allow him to navigate this along with my clear requirements.

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Substantial or meaningful Pre-marital assets in play.

If you are simply trying to prevent your husband from giving cash advances, large or small, to his children, you can maintain separate accounts. Separate accounts will ensure that none of your funding goes without your knowledge or permission to anyone.

The real question is why would you want to be legally tied to someone on whom you feel the need to have  leash?

Neither of you can prevent his daughter  from coming. At most he can atriculate what his financial contribution .limits would be.

A coworker of mine, when faced with a similar situation, told his habitually under/unemployed son that while he could not live  with him, he would match his income dollar for dollar at the end of his 3rd month of full time employment.  He made it clear that the equivalent of 3_months income would be the sum total of his financial contribution to the enterprise. Needless to say , the son did not make the move .

 

hereiam's picture

He says he sees the manipulation she is doing with the grandkids.

Seeing it, and not falling for it, are two different things. Plenty of people know that they are being manipulated and yet, let it happen because they love the kids, or the grand kids, or whatever.

Exactly what "help" is he willing to give? Where is he willing to draw the line and will he really be able to draw it?

I think you have sincere doubts about him truly keeping boundaries. I would, too.

Dragonfly6's picture

about him holding boundaries. He is a strong man being retired miltary in the areas he has dealt with. He can be structured and disciplined. That does not mean that he can hold it here, the heart is a different deal entirely than be asked to do things in the service of your country.

We have discussed the help he is willing to give and what she has to do first to get that help. I suspect having a plan, housing and jobs lined up and cash saved is going to be difficult for her to achieve. This will be a time will tell scenario for sure.

Dragonfly6's picture

We had some additional conversations on what that help looks like and I had some additional background on the life situation with her. I drew some very clear lines in the sand with him. He will be transparent in all dealings with her with me. They will never live with us, not for one day. Given the number of people it would cost for a 'vacation' here they will never come for a visit, either he and I or just he can go. Reasonable gifts for gkids and helping with some sports acitivities is ok. She and BF must have an acceptable plan - jobs lined up, housing, and cash saved for the move. He will not provide any cash. He will not support or help the financially or otherwise in essense become another parent.  I was also very clear that I am glad that this came up now before we got married and that we will NOT get married this year and will not until I am comfortable this will not come into our lives. I told him that the ONLY thing that will bring comfort is time and consistent boundaries from him. I said this is not what I signed up for when we got together, planned our life together and it is not a life I will accept. That caught his attention on how serious this is for me.

I remminded him and gave him examples of where his words and actions do not align. The $500 loan in January not paid back that he said was a test. There was a discussion of semantics between loaning and helping, nope not buying it. I feel better I have drawn hard lines here.

Depending on how things go over time I may decide this is not going to work for me. Again the only thing that will show if he can do it is time. If there starts to be consistent testing of boundaries, that will be another thing I will need to consider. I made the commitment to myself when I left my marriage of 17 years that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live in an unacceptable life situation.

sandye21's picture

I wish I had done this before I married DH.  There were red flags all over the place and I stupidly ignored them.  It does not get better with time - only worse - and then you are tied up so if you divorce you are penalized financially.  You are definitely doing the right thing by setting boundaries now - and making yourself top priority.   If you are not planning on having a family, there is no need to rush into marriage.

Dragonfly6's picture

into marriage as we are not going to have a family. Both of us are in our early 50's and each is snipped (lol). We will have a prenup before marrying also as we both have assets to protect and we are both ok with that. Granted this could be just a test to see if 'bank of dad' is in business, get money out of him without moving and/or see if she could use the gkids to try to manipulate him. But this is the perfect time to set expectations and boundaries for whatever else could develop. The most recent gkid was born 2 months ago so 18+ years at least. Important to be mindful of all of the ramifications here.