Blended families and disengagement
For those of you who have an adult skid and younger BIO children, how do you manage disengagement with the skid? Often when we all get together, my kids are left out of the convo and ignored completely while court is held over SD22. My husband wants to make plans often "with all the kids" but I hate every second where she has to be included. How do I stay present with my kiddos while disengaging with her? How am I able to get out of always having "all the kids" for every activity? It honestly makes me not want to do anything fun because I know he'll want to invite her!! I have seen so many suggestions about leaving the room and retreating to my own, or letting DH and her have time alone but I would feel horrible if I left my kids too just to avoid her. I'm struggling to manage this disengagement stuff!! How does it look like for you?
Doesn't your DH understand
Doesn't your DH understand that his princess is not a "kid" anymore? Does she really want to be included in outings geared towards a 6yo? Doesn't she have any friends her own age?
All I can suggest is that you do things with your kids and leave your DH at home if his presence implies her participation.
I would do this and have done
I would do this and have done this with my kids. Let Dh spend time with skid13 and I would take my two (toddler and preschooler) out by myself. No reason to blend with a 22 ye old ffs.
Say NO when he wants to
Say NO when he wants to include her in everything - it makes no sense given the age difference. She can be included in things that make sense for her to be included.
Also, it's reasonable to ask if he's aware that he ignores the young kids when she's around - eventually they are going to feel some type of way about that.
You engage with your kids
You engage with your kids while SD engages with your DH.. you can move your group a little bit away.. if it is workable.. like at your house.. your kids can help you in the kitchen with snacks etc..
Otherwise, you need to learn to effectively turn the conversation to your kids too. Like saying. "wow.. that sounds great SD... So DD, tell us about your big science project.. or how was that class trip to the capital?"
Thank you, this is very
Thank you, this is very practical.
It seems unreasonable that a
It seems unreasonable that a 22 year old be included all activities. Aren't your kids a bit younger? Seems weird that she would want to be included in all activities. Doesn't she have her own young adult life?
This makes it ...
... so painfully obvious what SD's problem is: She's jealous. And your DH is a pushover.
Feh on both of them.
My kids are teens and I have
My kids are teens and I have one young child. She has a boyfriend. Mostly it is time spent as a family, like a pool party or movies or something like that. But he always wants her included, which I understand. But it makes it so much less fun for me and I end up feeling uncomfortable and hurt by her words.
Also make "last minute" fun
Also make "last minute" fun plans for your kids and tell him right before you go so he doesn't invite sd. Is he that dense?
My skids are sd27, ss23.5 and sd17.
My kids with hubby are dd(almost 6) ds5.5.
any plans we make are me, hubby and our 2 little kids. Ss doesn't act as an active member of our household. Sd's live in another home since a decade ago. Whatever plans we make like holidays/mini getaways do not concern skids, they do not get invited or considered.
since they repeatedly show they are incapable of being respectful/civil etc, we do not want our happy holiday time destroyed. My husband's belief is they should be independent enough and should know at that age, hubbys focus should not be on them but me and our 2 little kids
Skids have all tried various attempts to distract hubby with so called emergencies which aren't emergencies. Even when they ignore shun hubby, they just can't stand it when hubby spends time with us. Sd's have done the fake crying claiming hubby abandoned them to marry me and have 2 kids with me. Hubby's decision to have kids with me doesn't concern skids and never will. If ils were around, they'd fake being sisters or siblings of the yr. i've had no contact or communication with them over 4 yrs.
Older children have had their
Older children have had their turn at the younger ages. They cannot be allowed to interfere in the turn of the little ones.
Older kids cannot be allowed to interfere in the turn of the younger just as the younger will get their turn at the older ages and cannot be allowed to interfere in the older kid's age experience.
Of course life happens and occasionally the model is overcome by events.
Reset and push on.
Your husband is living in a
Your husband is living in a fantasy world. Yes, if "all the kids" were close in age, they would probably do the same things together all the time. But, he has 2 sets of kids, and the only thing they have in common is him. Idk how old your kids are but if they are younger than 18-ish, it doesn't make sense that they and a woman in her 20s would enjoy the same things or have much to talk about with each other.
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the insight. I should have clarified that by activities I mostly mean a dinner at our house, going to the movies or bowling, dinner, etc. He desperately wants us all to be a big happy family. But my kids feel left out because she is always the center of attention. And her passive aggressive comments meant to dig at me make me miserable. He of course doesn't get the passive aggressive comments.
An example of what I need help with is this common scenario: SD invited over for dinner, we are all hanging in the same room and I am sick of her behavior or comments. How do I disengage with her in that moment but not just abandon the whole family?