Birthdays
Forums:
How do you handle your DHs bday with regard to the step kids? I'm disengaged completely from his kids...haven't seen them intentionally for two years, and my DHs bday is coming up. I tried to get him to tell me what he wants to do for it and I think he's waiting to see what his DD wants to do for it. How do you split the time, etc? BTW, we have no bio kids together.
Be proactive...Make your own
Be proactive...Make your own plans,...book a weekend getaway together.... and the skids will have to work around it....I have found they lack initiative to do anything except maybe a text message...I have heard one of them say "It's just too much work"...I think it is because they have all been overcompensated in the relationship department their whole lives and now that we have seen the light on their narcissistic tendencies...They cannot muster up the normal effort it takes to have a healthy relationship with Dh...not my problem anymore...It just proves my point when they have contributed to the success of the relationship with their own father at such a low level of effort...Sending a short text was "Too much work"? Really? What did you do...break a nail?...I have been disengaged for a year now, and have been able to set away from the dysfunctional relationships enough to see the problems clearly...At this point...We are tossing around moving on..."Whatever that means...I am learning you don't have to physically relocate to get away from it...You just need to remove yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally away from the unhealthy relationships....Standing around, doing nothing, holding your breath for them to call is not healthy...
Yup, peacemaker is on the
Yup, peacemaker is on the money. My DH is lucky to get a text. That is generous. My situation, the kids were PASd so terribly as children, they don't even know how to establish and maintain a relationship. And since I'm no longer prodding him to call, send gifts, or set up visits, it's been easily 8 or 9 months since he's talked to them on the phone. Which in their minds, makes the bm right...he's abandoning them just as she said! Abandonment has been her mantra...They don't understand that relationships are a two way street and they could very easily pick up the phone and talk to him if they wanted to. I just don't think they understand. they seem to get it with their peers and bm's side of the family...but for whatever reason it is dh's job to make that effort and he just doesn't/won't. You miss somebody, you wanna catch up, you pick up the phone and say hi! And you don't give yes no responses or two word responses. Acting like a snot doesn't make him want to reach out.
"just plan something nice for
"just plan something nice for the two of you to celebrate together-make that your tradition as a married couple and that way birthdays will become something you and DH look forward to celebrating instead of dreading what may or may not happen. Works for us and many others here!"
I've been doing this for 3 years now and I have to say it has been wonderful. My DH does look forward to his birthdays now rather then dwelling on what the kids may or may do for his birthday. I think a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
I also plan his birthday outing for the weekend. It doesn't usually fall on his real B-day. On his real B-day I cook him a nice meal and give him a cake but the real celebration is on the weekend. The skids can join the meal and cake or not. It is their choice but they haven't joined in 5 years.
You are so right! It's a
You are so right! It's a great reminder that my goal is peace. I get into these pissing wars with her, only in my mind, and end up couching the situation in a winner/loser scenario and that's not how it is. I make it that way. I know that's what she does too but I can only control myself, not her nor him! Thank you for making me step back and look at the whole picture.
Hi OP - What I would do is
Hi OP - What I would do is nothing, or make plans for just your hubby and you. If his kids want to get together with him, leave it up to them. If they do and you want to go, fine, if you don't, that's fine too.
Outside of making your own plans for his bday, stay out of the drama the best you can. Though sometimes the shrapnel does catch us.
You didn't say how soon his
You didn't say how soon his birthday is, but I'd place a limit on the time his DD is going to take to call about her plans. Tell him, "If we don't hear from her by ______, I'm making reservations for the two of us."
Good idea. It's this weekend.
Good idea. It's this weekend.
I had a highly unpleasant
I had a highly unpleasant experience at my DH's last birthday. I've been disengaged for years and my OSD25 would never want to see me if she could avoid it. But as I was going to take DH and the bios out to a particularly exciting show and fancy restaurant, I thought it would be extra nice for him if he could finally after all these years have his fantasy fulfilled of all his kids gathering around him. I figured we could maybe work toward a bit more blending now that the girls have lived independently for so long. I emailed YSD24 and SS22 who both agreed to come and to pass on the invite to OSD25. There then followed the most pathetic set of demands from OSD via SS suggesting that she might decide to come, but if she did do, would I please pay her fare from a distant city. I let that go so she went quiet and failed to even contact him on the day. SS later told DH privately the demand all came from him and not her but frankly I don't care which, the whole thing was so crappy. My favourite YSD then outdid herself in airheadedness by standing us up at the last moment, claiming to have messed up her understanding of the date and time of the gathering, with the result that the cinema ticket had been bought by me for the show and was now wasted at the last minute. I felt like an idiot in that this was exactly the behavior that all of them and BM had repeatedly inflicted on us as children and teens, with so much $ being poured down the drain on gigs which they stood us up on. And now to find it happening yet again after I had handed out this grand olive branch! Just goes to show. The only person who ended up with us was SS, who will always go wherever there is free food and booze. DH and I bounced back and (again as a matter of policy based on past experience) I had not even raised the bios' hopes about it. So DO NOT succumb to any idea of inviting your SD to anything, she will be bound to spoil the experience for your DH in some way. Leave it totally to her to make all the advances and never mention her name around this time unless for the purposes of setting the deadline as Sandye has suggested. You will find it gets better year by year.