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BF's daughter's baby is born and I am excluded just like at her wedding - shocker i know

soccermom830's picture

So i have posted before about this daughter's wedding and being treated like a leper - well, a year and almost a half later - she has a baby and i'm excluded once again - this after she is fake friendly to me at her house (after taking pics with BF and his ex excluding me once again like they are one big happy family and I am invisible).  Shocker I know.

She went into labor on Monday and he said she didn't want any company the first day - i ask him later in the day what he is doing and he announces he's on the way to the hospital.  We had just made up the day before after fighting for two weeks about me not wanting to go to her bday get together because of the shower fiasco and younger daughter being hateful to me and my son.  I said I will come there to wait with you.  He wouldn't even tell me the name of the hospital and said she is too tired for anybody other than family.  Well, that told me a lot about where i stand with him!  So i'm pretty upset thinking yeah, there's more to it than that.  I had also confronted her nicely about selling a rocking chair a week before that I had asked her if she wanted and her taking it and then seeing it for sale online without asking me if i wanted it back first.  No comments about that please because i don't agree she had that right.  i had told him my friend's daughter wanted it too and he knew that. She shouldn't have taken it if she didn't want it and then made money off of it.  Anyway,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Now the ex arrives Friday from out of town.  I still have not been invited to see baby.  Guess where he was saturday?  With said baby, daughter and ex wife visiting baby. I asked him why i wasn't invited.  Because daughter still doesn't want company and is having a rough time - apparently she is the only new mother that has ever had to deal with her needy baby.  geez.  He would flip if I was hanging out with my ex but he makes his own rules for himself - always has.  He actually got pissed at me for being upset at that.  Typical.  Oh and then he says because of things i write online (on here) and say to him about his daughters - all true and because they are hurtful and go out of their way to be mean for no reason.  Once again they are innocent and perfect and everything is my fault.  gag.  We have been arguing because of how I am treated but apparently that is ok with him!!  The hospital excuse was just that - an excuse.  i knew it.  Gawd, i'm so over all this drama.  I'm done.  It's just sickening to me all the excuses and horrible treatment i have received from these horrible people and then actually blamed for it which is just tortious to me.  It is actually making me physically and emotionally sick.  No future with this selfish, non-accountable man and his rude, snobby, selfish kids. 

Enough is enough. I know i deserve better.  As Rags would say - I shouldn't have to be invited into his life.  It should just be a given.  Obviously his daughter is calling the shots and he lets her exclude me when he knows how hurtful it is to me.  He was with me in the hospital with me when my mother was very ill and at home when she was on her deathbed but this is different he says.  No it's not.  It's because he is never in control when his hateful daughters are concerned.  He will never admit his children are just not nice to me and for sure do not have his best interests at heart and never will.  His loss.  I should have taken my older sister's advice long ago when she said FK! him! He will never stand up for you.  Why do you want a man who opposes everything you want or feel?  It's true.  He can let his mini wives control him forever for all I care.  I deserve so much better than being treated like I don't exist or matter. 

somethingwicked's picture

"I should have taken my older sister's advice long ago when she said FK! him! He will never stand up for you.  Why do you want a man who opposes everything you want or feel?  "

Your sister is spot on. That "long ago" is cringeworthy   knowing that you are burning down your life  waiting for the respect you deserve that is never forthcoming. 

Time to take her advice, cut your losses before you invest even more wasted time  and leave this painful circus of a relationship OR be prepared to accept your place in the family pecking order that  this spineless man has placed you and that translates to  more future anger , emotional pain and frustration .

 

soccermom830's picture

Thanks SW  :)  I know and recently when I was excluded from the hospital and I was upset and treated like crap even by him - he actually said the next day to me "do you realize you just commented when i sent you a picture "cute" and didn't even ask about how she was, tell him congrats, etc."  haha  wow.  what world does this man live in?  he was lucky to get a response from me at all. 

But just to be clear, this man HAS stood up for me and promised me things would change but it never worked out for HIM on both fronts so it never stuck.  the precious offspring ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder and he couldn't take it.  so he chose to instead give me the same dreaded treatment he received when it was confronted by me.  what a choice he has made.  his daughters are out having their own lives and their own relationships while he is sitting home alone not having any clue on how to properly deal with any of it to benefit himself and also them in the long run.  so incredibly unfortunate for everyone.     

disrestep's picture

Oh the birth of a royal baby. You are not alone. My DH and all other family members are invited to these events, yet they always exclude me too. I don't care anymore. Sometimes my DH went and sometimes he didn't. Guess I was not part of the royal family. I don't waste money sending gifts or waste time being around people who are so disrespectful. It's not worth it.

You most definitely deserve better. We all deserve better, and  no one should have to be invited into anyone's life. 

If all this is affecting your health, then I'd cut my losses and lose this guy. I remember many years back explaining to my DH that family doesn't treat people like this and I won't be part of it anymore. If he wants to spend every weekend, holiday, family event, birthday, etc., with his hateful brood, while they invite everyone, (and I mean everyone), and only exclude me, then he can have a nice life sans me. Having to keep changing your plans because a SO needs to cater to overly-needy, hateful, spiteful, adults is wrong. 

It gets to the point where we know it is so obvious the exclusion games the adult skids play. The problem is when it affects our relationship with a SO and our well-being.

You need to do what is best for yourself. I look at it as if someone truly cares about you enough, they will try and make things right. They won't desert you or make you feel less important.

Best of luck to you and hang in there.

 

 

soccermom830's picture

well it will never feel right or normal to me to have my SO sitting around chatting with his EX wife while i am being excluded and sitting at home by myself or whatever i choose to be doing.  it's not ok with me and it shouldn't be ok with anyone that they are treated that way.  the EX is an EX for a reason - i shouldn't have to feel disrespected because the EX's kids and EX control him and hurt me and he allows it.  it's wrong on so many levels to me. it completely give the SKs complete validation for their nasty behavior and disrespect of dad's SO.  he knows it but does nothing.  what he doesn't get is they have no respect for him at all either.  who cares?  he doesn't.  he needs to be what he thinks is idolized by the very people who are destroying his personal life with his approval. 

mapitout's picture

They have POWER over him and he's deep down pissed at himself and doesn't know what to do about it! You can't fix someone else, but you sure as Hell don't have to keep spinning your wheels hoping he'll see the light!!

soccermom830's picture

yes you nailed it.  : )  i just got a massage and i'm going to keep the zen.  : )  his past guilt isn't going to ruin my life. 

Want2's picture

My SO recently became a grandfather too. He went to the hospital as soon as his daughter did and was there for hours waiting. Bet that was fun.

 I didn’t go. It sucked that I didn’t share “the moment” with him but honestly I had better things to do. I always make sure I do. I’m a cool person and an uber cool grandma. As far as I’m concerned, SDs rudeness is going to cost HER and hers, not me! My lack of presence in their lives is their loss.

When you get in this mindset you will realize that you don’t need to put your emotional well-being in anyone else’s hands. Not the steps, not even your SO. You’re the awesome lady and they’re the brats who don’t deserve the gift of you.

Like it says in the Bible, don’t cast pearls before swine  ;)

soccermom830's picture

i love your mindset though.  : )  i need to practice it more.  it's just difficult to do when i am punished for their behavior.  ugh  doesn't benefit him at all.  these men are so emotionally incompetent.

soccermom830's picture

so you are ok with him sharing these moments with his EX wife without you?  because i am not.  it is a complete double standard with him.  he cannot stand me even talking to my son's dad, much less if i hung out with him like he does.  i just can't get over the rules he makes for himself only.  it's BS.

Want2's picture

At first I was hopping mad. I couldn’t understand it. I don’t want to even be in the same room with my ex. I told him it made me feel more like his roommate than his partner. And that’s what he was going to get if he kept it up.

Then I started thinking, hey maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing! So I tried it out by listening to him more like a roommate would and responding like someone who really didn’t have any skin in the game. What do you know, the pressure was off! I wasn’t mad. I had my own things to think and talk about.

And I was, I am sure, much more fun to be around. I stopped caring so much about his stupid ex and rude ass daughters and mentally shrugged off any of their doings. With that out of the way I focused on him and us and what I want to do. We’re both in our 50s and there’s a lot I want to do in life. If he wants to do it with me so much the better but if he chooses instead to stay stuck in stupid well that’s too damn bad for him.

The result seems to be that he wants to hang with me and spend less and less of his time and energy with the other. I guess time will tell. I’m not going to worry about it any more. My life is and will be what I choose to make it, not him or his stupid ex and daughters.

ESMOD's picture

It is a bit of a mindset thing.  He isn't sharing these moments with his EX... he is sharing them with his daughter.  Yes his EX is there also sharing this with her child.  Will they interact.. perhaps.. or perhaps not.  Maybe they are just in the same area.. but not speaking... perhaps they are taking turns in the room vs waiting area? 

What is troubling is that your DH seems to be dictating things to you that you don't feel are reciprocal.  He has to also accept that there will be things you need to discuss with your EX and there will be times when you and your EX will be at the same place because of your shared child. 

He has to understand that you are EXes for a reason and that you can be in the same vicinity and not have anything go on.  Does that mean you need to go have drinks with your ex after work? probably not.. not if it's not kid related.. but you can exchange the odd pleasantry at a soccer match or whatever without it being a betrayal of your relationship.  No more or no less than you might do with an aquaintance or stranger.. civility isn't something we should punish.

soccermom830's picture

right - the one sided part is just not acceptable to me.  he says it's because my ex flirts with me and has always wanted me back.  i don't care.  i don't feel the same and he knows it.  his ex is single on the other hand and i have seen first hand her flirting with him in front of me (wedding, shower, etc. - she thrives on pissing me off and just like her kids has no accountability - embarrassed me publicly at the wedding and then patted her seat beside her for him to sit with her)  he broke up with her because of her wandering eye.  it's just not something i need to be worrying about.  if there is tension and conflict and hostility between us because of their children, i don't trust the whole situation because apparently how i feel doesn't matter - doesn't feel like loyalty to me in any way.  being with someone who plays happy family with someone else no matter the situation is not for me.  i need to stop the insanity for my own sanity.  haha  feeling like an outsider and being treated as such is not ok with me.  

Siemprematahari's picture

Soccermom~ you don't have to deal with it and no you shouldn't be subjected to all that BS that has been handed to you.

You know your worth. You know you deserve better.

But at the end of the day.....what are you going to do about it?

soccermom830's picture

stop trying to win over his affection and fighting to be his no. 1 i suppose.  otherwise, it will destroy me.  not sure i can be one of those women who ignores it and just shrugs it off.  i should be able to though because at this point i can't stand these selfish mean people anymore but then again, my SO is included in that mix.  so i need to stop being weak and participating in this stupid dynamic.  ugh

ESMOD's picture

I see plenty of posts on here that support stepmoms who want to exclude their stepkids from the birth and surrounding situations (sending kid away so that they can happy family with their hubby without pesky skid etc.)   Generally these ladies get mostly support because the one who is pushing out the bowling ball.. they kind of get to dictate the guest list.

Give your DH a break.. he wants to be with his daughter and be part of the new baby experience.. it's HIS grandchild.  Sadly... no it's not your grandkid and you have no obligation to treat the child as such unless you want to do more.  This is also one of those fairly rare times when divorced people may come together to support their child.  Weddings, births, deaths..maybe graduations of note. 

You are not this girl's mother.  She does not have to include you in her intimate and private moments if she chooses not to, especially if you have had a contentious relationship. 

You should not take this personally because it isn't meant to slight you.. but to protect her instead.. protect her from having to share her special time with people she is not close to. 

Failure to accept this with a bit of grace is probably going to mean you will not be welcome at any point... which will definitely put you and your DH in an awkward position.

Let him go see his grandchild and let him do it without guilt or negativity.  The fact that his daughter (that you don't like) doesn't want a semi-stranger at her birth event.. doesn't really seem all that surprising.

 

soccermom830's picture

right - you are stating facts i am already aware of.  i'm just sick of being blamed for never wanting to be a part of these inconsistent rude people.  and the double standards.  it's just too much drama.  i have never been excluded from anyone's family i have dated before and it's bullshit.  he can do whatever he wants.  disengagement is not for me.  i want someone who wants me by his side and his partner in life and doesn't let his grown kids dictate his every move by not demanding respect for his SO or he doesn't show.  i'm not just talking about births and weddings here.  i'm over it.  honestly.  the justification, the excuses, the blaming me - it's wrong and makes me unhappy.  if he cared about my happiness his family would know i was special to him instead of him tucking his tail between his legs every time they are around and banning me and me putting up with the bullshit.  i'm sick of being hurt constantly.  there is never any validation or credit for me and what i go through - all the shit i put up with and muck through anyway to try to be the bigger person.  i never get any credit or apologies.  he told me more than once the daughter never said i was not welcome.  so he's either lying (huge possiblity) or he's the problem causing all the drama.  who fkg knows.  not me.

and i am sick to death of being told i don't like his kids - they are the hateful ones that i react to.  they do not like me for nothing more than the pure fact they can't share daddy, and especially when mommy is around.  it's sick really. so say what you want - i grew up in a step family and never saw any of this nonsense and negativity. it is completely what you allow. 

ESMOD's picture

It sounds like you have a DH problem then.  He has a one way view...

You cannot control other people.. you can only control your reaction.  You can't make these people like you.  you can't make them include you.. your husband can't either to an extent.  But you don't have to put your hand out repeatedly to be slapped either.  So you don't get included on the birth day.. great.  You are forever off the hook for babysitting, birthday parties and presents.  this is not your grandchild.. no need to get involved at all.. you are free to spend your time and money on other things/people.  Your DH can choose to spend time with his family or you.. you don't have to continue to attend events where you are marginalized or attacked.   That also means your DH can suffer the consequence of you developing a life and interests that don't include him so that you can occupy yourself while he is running after his family.  Don't do his gift shopping for him.. let him figure it all out.  If he chooses to leave you at home.. go out and treat yourself to an activity or experience that YOU want to do. 

I can definitely understand your frustration but you can't make these people accept you.. and the more you get upset about it.. the more they have feelings of wanting to exclude you.. because they see the drama as a 2 way street.  and youknow. it is.  If you disengage from them.. and their petty issues.. then they can argue with themselves.

All you have to tell your DH is I am obviously not welcome there.. so why should I waste my time.  If you need to go.. go.. but the more we do apart.. the less we will feel like a couple.

mapitout's picture

the less said, the sooner they are left to their own devices. You'll always be the reason for their blather, step out of it and you save yourself a lot of heartache. Damn if I would reinforce the notion that you realize you're not welcome, that's the game, they want you to feel that way or they'd act like decent people!

Siemprematahari's picture

Soccermom I can imagine how being excluded hurts but why would you want to be involved when the SD clearly doesn't want to share that experience with you? I would never want to be somewhere that I'm not wanted. I don't think she will ever accept what you are to her father and I'd try not to have any expectations when it comes to her.

Your H wants to see his grand child which is fine but don't allow this to consume you and cause you sleep because its not worth it. Don't surround yourself around people who don't cherish or value you. Let them have their relationship and you do the things that you love and enjoy. Keep yourself busy and look into doing activities that you perhaps have neglected and you'll see how investing in yourself will uplift you. Don't give SD that power.

You create your power and your happiness is in your hands.

tog redux's picture

This was my thought too - the daughter is making her position clear, and of course she doesn't want you to come to the hospital. who wants someone they dislike at the hospital after they have a baby.

OP, you have to decide if you can live with this dynamic or not.  It's not likely to change and you can't force people to like you or include you, nor can you expect DH to refuse to see them.

soccermom830's picture

you are right and i don't care now - i got pissed because of the way he handled it.  he has never said she does not like me! 

he has done exactly the same thing with my family - he has forced his way to events my older son didn't want him at - because he wanted to be with ME.  i let him. it's never reciprocated voluntarily anymore.  it used to be forced - or else - but not anymore.  because he realized younger brat refuses to listen to daddy and isn't the respectful polite woman he bragged about.  she could care less what he thinks in reality.  she has proven that. 

tog redux's picture

So, this works both ways.  Tell him next time that your DS does not want him at an event, and then go (and send a picture). Don't let him force his way in. Though he sounds like a total jerk if he can't see the two things are just the same.

soccermom830's picture

he says my sons have always been the problem and why his kids act like the way they do.  haha  that was a year and a half ago and i put my sons in their place - something he cannot seem to do.  it's all about the parenting skills i guess.  he has a diff. way of parenting he says.  yes, i can see that.  ugh  it's called not parenting.  but anyway, anytime i bring up anything his daughters do now, he says it's always been your sons and completely turns the switch on me and the attention off of himself and his "perfect" offspring.  which is a falsehood.  stupid i am not. 

mapitout's picture

It's not about DH picking you over them at this point, he's done picked, it's DD!! If you're hell bent on staying in this muckity muck, you better get out your shovel, cuz that's what your going to get, over and over. Dis-engage from the plays at plucking your nerves. So DH sends a picture and doesn't like your response, that's his problem, he doesn't get to dictate your feelings. And if you have an occasion where you and your ex cross paths over the son the two of you created, he can deal with it the way you have to deal with his smoozing with the ex baby mama. Drop the rope, nothing is going to change with DH unless he is motivated for his own comfort, YOU are going to have to make the change to fit the life you want to lead!

BTW, I have been excluded over weddings, new baby's and other happy horse shit, finally, I am prefering it to what I went through before. There is a silver lining, although, like getting old, getting there ain't for sissys (forgot who said that about getting old, lol).

Want2's picture

Just imagine the look on OPs husbands face when she reacts with a shrug next time around.

Priceless! Lol

TX2step's picture

Excluded from the baby shower, while my husband and his X took first family photos to be posted on social media. I was also excluded from the hospital when step spawn was born. But 6 months later SD decided to bring her crotch nugget to my house. The answer was NO. She was banned from my home years before and thought she could use the baby to get back in. Not going to happen. I told DH to go meet her at McDonald's if he wants to see them, but they are not welcome in MY home. Baby is now 3+ and they are still not allowed in my house. Too bad so sad, not.

Dovina's picture

These princesses cannot have it both ways. I loved how you set those boundaries. On some level I can understand at a birth you only want certain people around.  OP should handle future situations like you did. Yes we can argue that a mother has the right to decide who visits the newborn baby, but if there is a pattern of exclusion to the SM then frankly I see it as more of a golden opportunity for the SD to once again exclude the SM. As opposed to being protective as to who sees the newborn right after birth.

soccermom830's picture

IT was entirely an excuse - because first it's she's too tired - then he just went without telling me - then she doesn't really want any company - then you haven't had your booster shot she is requesting to which i answered - yep sure have and told you that!  then he says you didn't show up to her bday get together.  really?  she was sick and didn't want anyone around he told me.  it's just control and exclusion but acting on the outside like she is a perfect angel daughter.  OPEN your eyes dude.  he refuses.

last night it was you've never wanted anything to do with my kids!  WTF?!!  i think the whole problem here is i have and i am being EXCLUDED!!!  it's like we live in two different worlds.  serenity now!!!!!  haha

CANYOUHELP's picture

I believe in natural consequences if you live in this sickening dynamic.  It is the only way DH or adult step have any chance of looking in the enmeshment mirror. Long ago I learned I have zero control over the situation, however; I have 100 percent control over what I do and who comes to my home- even if it is our home.  Treat me nice and you will get even better from me; treat me like leftover family garbage to be dragged out ,as step adults so choose, then count me in as ---family history.

Until I can be welcomed like anybody else and see reasonable respect our union;  DH can celebrate with them without me and at the same time, I will celebrate not being with any of them each time.... These step brats do us a big favor by excluding us.  They give us complete closure on our end; we have no guilt at that point as we move forward with our lives in peace with zero contact in the future.

Most of us who have disengaged could have added a lot of joy in the lives of these selfish people. What a loss for them. It is great not to waste limited resources on those who do not appreciate efforts anyway. 

 

Siemprematahari's picture

These step brats do us a big favor by excluding us. They give complete closure on our end and we have no guilt at that point as we move forward with our lives in peace with zero contact in the future.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 100%

What a blessing in disguise Dance 4

soccermom830's picture

my only excuse is i have dated him for 2.5 years, just lost my sister and mother and my only sister left is a true narcassist who doesn't have time for me.  my father is dead also.  a lot of loss i guess.  which makes me more vulnerable and him knowing it.  i will land on my own two feet soon - i have always been a very independant woman and i will become that again soon.  i am trying to rip thte bandage off slowly because it's what i need right now.

hereiam's picture

I understand, but he is not a comfort to you or making you feel good about your life (or self).

I have always been much happier on my own, than I ever was when I dated jerks.

Not to mention, once you free yourself of him, your life can be open to meeting someone who actually gives a crap about you. But, you have to care about yourself first, and stop accepting this kind of treatment.

Healyourslf's picture

You're never going to change these self-serving cling-ons. From DH's past behavior, he won't man up to his kids and put your feelings and relationship first.  Albeit, he expects loyalty from you. 

I understand the slow band-aid process and it's wise to get your ducks in a row before making a drastic move.  Change is truly the only constant in life.  Take care of YOU.

CLove's picture

Sounds like he is a major part of this dynamic and problem. Plus he is gaslighting you. It sounds like you two have many many issues - have you considered asking him to go to counseling? All this back and forth, and exclusion isnt healthy.

DH, even when SO, he NEVER allowed SDs or family to exclude me. When Feral Eldest sd19 graduated high school, and she had limited tickets, and I was not invited (whew! Almost made it out of that one!)  SO absolutely refused to go himself, if I wasnt included. He took it as a slam against himself, that I would be disrespected like that and excluded. Then his sister offered up her tix, he said "no, you go, but if CLove isnt going I am not going, Feral Eldest get thee to a line for extra tickets!" 

Poof, extra tickets appeared the next day, along with "here, i stood in line a REALLY long time, please go...."

I sat on a freaking hard bench for 4 hours in the boiling hot sun with no hat and no water, plus not even a thank you. SO took me to a nice dinner later. LOL. SO said he needed me there as "emotional support system".

THATS what you need. Someone who wants you by his side, because THERE IS NO ONE ELSE HE WOULD WANT TO SHARE THIS WITH. But - birth of a spawn.. I dont know, I dont have kids myself, this might be different. But from this and other posts, this isnt your first exclusion rodeo, so its a trend, a nasty one.

Get a new boyfriend, you arent number #1 here. Thats my advice. 

soccermom830's picture

yes we have been to counseling a few times.  she asked him why his family and him put the blame on me for everything and nobody else ever took accountability for anything.  he couldn't answer her.  it's dumbfounding really. 

you are lucky your DH is so supportive of you.  you are blessed.  i have done the same with my oldest son for him.  he doesn't get it though.  he has taken up for me but he cannot stand the repercussions of his selfish spawn when he tells them what he thinks so he has given up on that now i guess.

and now, he doesn't want to hear it from me either when i'm hurt from it all.  says a lot. he doesn't have the communication skills or the maturity i guess to deal with it all.

elkclan's picture

I normally think everyone should be invited to everything - even people you don't like - because - well, just 'cause. 

But to the hospital after you've had a baby? No, hell, no. Maybe y'all had easier labours than mine, but mine was just awful - three days of labour and an emergency c-section. I didn't want to see anybody. And I sure wouldn't have wanted to see someone I'd had a bunch of beef with recently. I don't know how hers was, but even if it was 45 minutes of labour, a push and voila - baby! - still just no. 

I've seen all kinds of people get all pissy about not being invited to the hospital, mothers, grandmothers, step-grandmothers, and to all of them NO. If you aint the mom, you dont get to say. And dad's girlfried who's been in my grill? NO.

(BTW, OP - I totally agree with you about the rocking chair, but you should just let that go. It's not coming back.)

 

soccermom830's picture

i wasn't in her grill - i just asked her if she still had the chair and if she did i wanted it back.  then i did say after she called her dad instead of  just responding to me like an adult, i wish she would have told me she didn't want it because i knew someone who wanted it - but then i said i hoped she liked her new one and good luck with her delivery - she responded with thank you!!  the younger daughter was at the hospital too though so i'm sure that was a big part of it.  dad knows she can't be nice to me and doesn't want to tell her to behave so he excludes me.  because it's been over a week and i still haven't been invited to see his grandchild along with everyone else, including the dad's stepmom.  she is in a different category though because she paid for their entire wedding along with his dad so they are the real royal family.  haha  gawd.  whatever.  i'm over it now but i'm never falling for the fake niceness again because when it really matters, i'm shit to all of them and will never matter.  screw them.  they are just not nice people - nice people don't behave that way.  my family has never treated him that way.  he is a child - he will always do what he wants only to make himself more comfortable.  screw how i feel.   selfish jerks

TX2step's picture

I would not care to ever see the demon spawn. In fact I would make a point to never be in contact with this child. He or she will be raised to disrespect you too. This was my motivation, not going to let the next generation disrespect me in my home, nope.

MollyBrown's picture

I’m going to say something that’s not very popular. I really don’t mean to hurt your feelings. But this is how I’ve seen your situation. I remember your posts from the very beginning.   I think the daughter of views you and your partner as high drama. You two have broken up and you guys have had fights that last a long time. That was the case around the time of the wedding too.   I don’t blame her for distancing from the drama. Especially around the birth of her child.    Unfortunately, she probably views your son unfavorably since he threw that water bottle At your SO.  

 If I were you I would continue or start try to live your best life ever. Life is too short for this drama. Good luck. 

soccermom830's picture

my son never threw anything at him.  he poured water on the floor.  big deal.  yes my SO causes a lot of drama and is very immature but so do his daughters - in fact they are the cause of 90% of our arguments and my resentment towards him for never being upset with them for treating me like they do and me not wanting to be a part of his family and then being blamed.  the daughter is not involved in our relationship and he doesn't talk about it with her but yes they see him deleting my pics off of fb a lot.  why he won't friend me on fb hardly ever.  that is why i have kept my distance lately because i don't want my son in the inconsistency.  you are right - life is too short.

but yes, they are winning because they are getting exactly what they want - daddy to themselves and mommy and daddy together with me not around.  let's not forget their accountability in all of this. 

Want2's picture

You know what it might be best to do just that. Forget about their accountability. Let it go. All of it. Stop keeping score, stop this winning/losing mentality. Stop letting them define your life. Stop saying oh they’re excluding me. Exclude them.

You want to win? Rethink your whole game plan. Be good with the second wife position! Why not? Be the mistress, the mysterious lady who doesn’t owe the skids a damn minute of her day. Take yourself back and have fun with it. There are advantages in our position that we give up when we start trying to fit where we don’t belong. What good are you doing yourself letting them hurt you? Enough with it. Think Katherine Hepburn or Scarlett O’Hara. Be the cool lady, raise your eyebrow at any skid nonsense and that’s all they get from you from this day forward!

soccermom830's picture

you know I told him recently he doesn't need to be around my little boy if I'm not allowed around his family so now he's using this as an excuse to hang out with his daughter and ex-wife since she's probably still visiting from out of town. It just doesn't sit well with me mainly because he leaves his phone in his car when he goes over there and ignores me. So we've been arguing about me being excluded and so now I'm being punished by being excluded even more with ex-wife and him together.  I'm supposed to just ignore that? He actually said since I'm not allowed around your little boy now of course I'm going to go visit my granddaughter. of course he wouldn't want to fix anything and try to include me a week and a half after she's born. 

But yes I get that it is more than likely the daughter playing nasty and mean. but would you be okay with him hanging out with his ex-wife who is single and devious wout you around all the time? I think that's really shitty especially when he has his own rules about that for me and my ex. Hippocrit.

mapitout's picture

What bounces off of one sticks to the other. Yes, you must ignore that you are being excluded with the new baby and ex wife around. DH is going to react negatively when you say he can't be around your son! You're demanding something that you're not willing to give!! Perhaps it's time to seek counseling together to resolve the conflict?   

somethingwicked's picture

Time to pull the pin on this drama.Two and a half years .

That's how long you've been on this merry go round of abuse.

I get that you had so much loss of family in a short period and took or tried to find solace and support in this relationship .

Read what you are writing.There is no comfort here. At least not consistent

There IS ,however, constant nit picking and attacking of you by him and his adult children . Passive Aggressive and otherwise.

He even attacks your young son  who IS still a child..what is he now ? 12 or 14?  Ridiculous  how this man insists on a double standard allowing his children to shit all over you with no or little correction of them while you have consistently stepped up ,parented your kids and insisted that they respect him And they have,right?

Please stop wanting to be included with his children ,stop buying for them or doing for him for them.

Please stop this tit for tat you guys got going back and forth hurting eachother.

Unless the make up sex is spectacular it is time to end this.

Joking.

Save your self esteem and stop trying to get this man to accept you into his family.He does not even respect you enough to tell you the truth. 

 

 

 

mapitout's picture

"Time to pull the pin on this drama.Two and a half years .

That's how long you've been on this merry go round of abuse.

I get that you had so much loss of family in a short period and took or tried to find solace and support in this relationship .

Read what you are writing.There is no comfort here. At least not consistent

There IS ,however, constant nit picking and attacking of you by him and his adult children . Passive Aggressive and otherwise.

He even attacks your young son  who IS still a child..what is he now ? 12 or 14?  Ridiculous  how this man insists on a double standard allowing his children to shit all over you with no or little correction of them while you have consistently stepped up ,parented your kids and insisted that they respect him And they have,right?

Please stop wanting to be included with his children ,stop buying for them or doing for him for them.

Please stop this tit for tat you guys got going back and forth hurting eachother.

Unless the make up sex is spectacular it is time to end this.

Joking.

Save your self esteem and stop trying to get this man to accept you into his family.He does not even respect you enough to tell you the truth"

 

soccermom830's picture

yes my son is 12.  my older son who is 25 did accept him but doesn't like him again because he contacted his gf months ago when he thought HE was being excluded when my mother's funeral was  happening a month after she passed.  my son's gf didn't go either and he thought we had conspired against them.  craziness.  funny though how he hates being excluded but has no problem doing it to me.  anyway, my son got pissed he contacted her and so did i.  very inappropriate.  he showed up anyway and didn't even sit with me when i asked him not to come if he wasn't going to sit with me.  i didn't even know he was there until afterwards.  we had been arguing about his younger daughter again and he had broken off our engagement.  what did i do though?  invited him to stay with us for the weekend with family!  wow yeah he is just mean.  i have went out of my way to include him. \

after all of that though - my older son did let me bring him to his college graduation because it is what i wanted.  because my son respects me and wanted me there. 

MollyBrown's picture

This is just some of the drama I was talking about.  People don’t want to be around that stuff, esp. when having a baby.  Of course she picks her dad and your son picks you.  You guys are in a drama circle feeding each other. 

Want2's picture

“So we've been arguing about me being excluded and so now I'm being punished by being excluded even more”

Why are you even arguing about it? Stop. If you can’t stop then there’s your problem.

”would you be okay with him hanging out with his ex”

More to the point YOU are not okay with it. So that’s a boundary? Enforce it. Whining and arguing aren’t working apparently so you need to come up with something else. If it’s a deal breaker then break the deal. Any other action (or inaction) means you are willing to put up with it because that’s what you are doing, putting up with it.

 You, NOT YOUR SO OR THE SKIDS, are making these choices for yourself and your son. You choose how you react to them. If what you’re doing isn’t working YOU need to make different choices.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

He's playing happy family. That would be a HARD NO for me. Don't put up with it. You shouldn't have to put up with it. Yes your SD is bieng a brat, but your BF is JUST AS guilty. Otherwise he'd be standing up for you.

Don't deal with it. Have a talk, if he doesn't figure it out next time then be done with him. You deserve better than this crap. He doens't get to play happy family with his ex and kids and exclude you. That's commitment and priority issues on his part.

soccermom830's picture

yeah he won't talk about it.  he doesn't want to hear about it.  so yeah, i'm hurt and feel completely disrespected.  sucks.

momjeans's picture

I agree that we should occasionally share space with people we dislike, because life is never all rainbows and roses, but then are times when that that just isn’t going to happen.

I had a c-section with my last child 3.5 years ago. That pregnancy was in the thick of my MIL’s not-so-greatest moments and behavior towards me, as she viewed (and still does, btw...) DH’s firstborn, skid, as the royal, golden grandchild. I had extremely high blood pressure from the stress in my final weeks of pregnancy. 

Then, the morning of my scheduled c-section, MIL cancelled on us last minute to watch our toddler, which left me scrambling, thinking I was going to have to drive my damn self to the hospital while DH watched our daughter. He ended-up being able to take me, I told the OB nurses to not allow MIL in, under any circumstances. Guess who snuck in and surprised me in my room while DH was away? You guessed it - MIL. 

As much as people put up boundaries for their own personal reasons, people should equally not (want to) engage where there’s a lot of strife, or where they’re not wanted. 

Let him do his thing, and you do yours. Quit giving these people  power, and don’t allow them to steal your joy. 

I agree that you should seriously think about leaving this all behind you, because more than likely the next person in his life will be treated with the same amount of resistance.

 

Too old for this's picture

As I read OPs post, they are not married.  Things will not get better.  You have been warned.  Unless he is prepared to understand what commitment to you means, you should move on.

DaniSanti83's picture

My advice would be to save up money for your own place and leave him...life is way too short to be treated like someone's second best. If he allows this time and time again and is okay with it he isnt the fella for you. Live life and love every second of it with someone who wants you 100% in their life in every aspect. One who is proud to have you by their side, you deserve that! One day you will look back feeling blessed you left the mess!!

There is a light's picture

It seems to me that it is very important for you to be involved in every aspect of your DH's life and I get that!  Unfortunately in Stepzone, this is not always possible.   Even if possible and DH insists that you attend every event with it could be met with absolute rudeness.

Like the rest of us, you need to make a decision.   You cannot force your SD to accept you in her world, so either you disengage and start planning and building your life with DH  or you stay in this impossible situation.     You say 'disengagement' is not your thing.  That means unless you leave this relationship,  I see no end.

I think you need to look inside your inner being and decide what you want.  Most of us on the site did not want to 'disengage" but we needed to have peace and take control of our marriage or union.   I disengaged years back and it was the best thing that I have ever done.   I care only about my relationship with my DH and I do not even discuss SS33.   Fortunately for me, I get on really well with the other two skids and have absolutely no complaints about them, they are respectful and never exclude me in anything.  It has not always been like this, but disengagement gave me the power to control what and who I wanted in my life.