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Banned 18yo SD from house, am I wrong?

Anon9368's picture

Step child is 18 with one child and another on the way - both deliberate and with different fathers (both drug users, in their 20s, and ex-cons).

She didn't take it well when me and her father started dating. Tried to get me fired from my job by accusing me of all sorts - luckily the place is crawling with CCTV and every incident she reported, you can clearly see my every move that entire night. 

I've tried hard to be kind - I included her in all plans we made within reason when she was younger, would never bring up a previous encounter if she had been nasty and unpleasant to me. I purchased custome birthday cakes, bought baby milk, offered support when she was having trouble with baby daddy 1. Every time she would eventually start treating me like shit again. 

Lockdown took it to a new level. I had a baby in late 2019 and she was trying to be my best pal, then started with baby daddy 2 and started leaving baby with daddy whilst she got drunk. Anyway, first night of lockdown she is drunk and high, and demanding to be run about when hubby was taking his young son home. They argued but he agreed. We discussed safest way as we were trying to shield due to caring for vulnerable family members and she wasn't distancing at all. Whilst hubby got mask and sanitizer, when she arrived I told her to stay outside and explained she would be sitting in back. She kicked off but I ignored her. Hubby handed me sanitizer whilst he put on jacket but all she saw was me hand it back to him and then make her use it. I'm evil for that apparently.

In the car she claimed she was going to do this, that and the next thing to me. She and hubby argued. He dropped her and son off, and by the time he got son into house, she returned. What was so important? Alcohol. Anyway, big argument on way back. She contacted family member, who contacted us, accusing me of all sorts. I full on lost my temper after 4 and a half years of just accepting that treatment. I have a kid now to protect from folk like that. I declared then and there - 'not my kid, not my problem'.

I sent her a message when I was told she would be making sure to see my son without me around whenever she pleased. 'If you think it's ok to threaten me and treat me like crap, and still get to see your half brother or come into my home, think again. Forget either of us exist and forget this address. We want nothing to do with you and I don't want a toxic influence around my child'. 

I got a response the next day, telling me she'd do what she liked and her FULL brother (no concept of genetics apparently) was hers to see if she wanted. During the course of this argument she claimed I took nothing to do with her or her child (total lie), and that I was pathetic for arguing with my husband's daughter. I again lost my temper. I called her toxic, irresponsible, and I told her to grow up, because she isn't a child, she is 18 years old with her own child. I am also only 26, not a huge age gap. I pointed out several examples of her appalling behaviour and selfishness. It also wasn't an argument. I was telling her what was happening. 

Anyway, I gave hubby an ultimatum for the first time in our relationship. She stays away or I'm leaving. He could see her if he liked, but she was not welcome in our home or near our son. I refuse to feel unsafe or unwelcome in my own home, and I refuse to expose my son to someone who has been so poisonous about me except when it suits her. I have put up with it for years but now I have to think of me and my child. 

Hubby spoke to her after she felt the need to put some things on social media and they fell out. All his friends and most of his family all agreed he did the right thing- she is a grown up now and can't get away with this behaviour anymore, and he has a wife and child to think about, as well as his own happiness. 

Weeks later she sends him a message basically apologising, saying that she's a different person when she drinks and he knows that's not really her. She nearly had her child taken away and she is going to see a councillor. Hubby said 'will always love you but you need to take responsibility. You've done this too often and until your actions match your words, the situation is staying the same'. So she's going to try. 

Funnily enough I've not blocked her phone and she has unlimited messages as hubby pays that bill for her. No apology to me. 10 days later she phones hubby to say she's pregnant and no one is surprised. She wants to visit and I've said no. She isn't coming to our home - not to the house or in the garden. He says she won't lay a hand on me. I'm not worried about that except if anything did happen I would get the blame. I do not want to feel like a guest or unsafe in my own home. I've said if he feels that strongly, that is fine. This was his house before we got married and for my own mental health and my sons well being, I will leave permanently. 

I definitely feel that strongly about it lately. Until she can behave herself with other people, I'm not interested in her and I want her nowhere near me. 

So, am I wrong? 

The_Upgrade's picture

Nothing you've said is wrong. Your SD is toxic and sometimes the only thing you can do about a toxic situation is to bar it from your home. Not your job to cure crazy. Your only responsibility is to protect your son.

Anon9368's picture

I've felt like crap giving my Dh that choice but honestly I'm so done. I just wanted reassurance that I'm not being the evil step mum. 

Kes's picture

No, you certainly are not wrong and with this level of chaos, dysfunction and toxicity, you have to set boundaries for your own and your infant's welfare.  I don't think you'll get any arguments about that, on this site. You probably won't get that many more responses to your post until America wakes up later, as UK members are few and far between, here.  

Of course your DH is free to see his daughter as he sees fit, but you have the right to stipulate, not in the house that you share with him.  Your DH might want to review any enabling behaviour of his, towards his daughter - I suspect that it doesn't end with paying her phone bill.   If I were him, I'd make any help conditional on attending Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis - and he'd want proof of that, not just her word on it.  Personally, I would block her on your phone - you just don't need the hassle with all your other responsibilities.  There is no need to carry on being "kind" to this young woman - she is deeply screwed up and will respond best to firm boundaries and not being pandered to.  I was an addict myself for 17 yrs and it never made me treat others badly - that is NOT part of the illness - it is just a choice on her part. 

jam's picture

You took a stand. Good for you. You absolutely should feel safe in your own home and you should be able to relax in your own home. You can not relax when you have a toxic trouble maker around.

You said the house was your dh's before you married him. Did sd live in the house with her dad? The reason I ask is my dh got the marital home in his divorce & split the equity with his ex. When we married I sold my house and moved into dh's house. My skids treated me like and outsider in THEIR home. It was a horrible experience.

Stand your ground.

Anon9368's picture

DH had house before he ever met SDs mother and SD hasn't lived in the house since she was 2 and never visited between 2 and 13 years old due to DH being an off shore worker and very rarely home. So she never had a room at the house and whenever they were together they were off doing things. He would pick her up and drop her off at her house rather than her sleep over. 

She became much more interested in DH when he started seeing me and she started imposing herself whenever we did anything. We went on holiday to the Dominican and she phoned every single day at 6AM our time crying, begging him to come home. She hadn't spoken to him for 3 weeks before that and she was 15. 

Since I moved in, the house has been ripped apart and redone as it was in ruins. It is a totally different house.

Anon9368's picture

She's been drinking since she was 14 and has always demanded DHs attention. I want this, I want that, pick me, and I've just accepted it. He takes less and less to do with her but every now and again back tracks on any discipline he's tried to instill because she's just a kid. She isn't a kid. As soon as she had a child of her own, she needed to be treated like an adult imo. 

She has so many issues but almost all of them are self caused since she wanted to be cool at school and she declared at 15 - when I turn 16 I'm having a baby and getting a house off the council and not working. Me and her father both work constantly, I attended college whilst pregnant, so we have never agreed with that 'work ethic'. For a while the baby was the making of her, but she went back to her usual toxic self and I just feel bad for my hubby. 

My DH is sadly caught in the middle because of her selfishness and he is a very soft touch so finds it hard. 

Thank you for your comment because I've felt like crap for days after giving him that ultimatum. I don't want to be an evil step mother. 

shamds's picture

Sd is toxic, abusive and basically erasing you from your kids life. She thinks she gets to dictate meets and visitation with your son and do what she wants except by law, only you and your partner dictate that!!

plenty of us stepparents get suckered into our spouse/partners bullcrap of sd is a changed person.

her own dad said her actions don’t match with her words. I have list count of the many times ss (21) claimed he needed time to be respectful and civil to me and not pretend I didn’t exist. He is emotionally abusive and has not changed in the 5.5 yrs i have been married to his dad.

i have given up on wanting a relationship with him and 5 yrs to be a decent human is such bs so anytime hubby tells me any of my skids are sorry and he wants a fresh start, well thats dependent on his kids not being such arseholes and since they haven’t changed one bit, its a tough shi* from me!!

DoberGirl's picture

This is crtically important to me. I'm a child abuse survivor so my child hood home was toxic chaos all the time. I refuse to let it happen in my home now. Your house, your rules. 

tog redux's picture

Good for you. No, you aren't wrong. If your husband can't see how toxic his daughter is, then you have to protect yourself and your son.

JRI's picture

I agree that you should cease all contact with her, including socisl media.  If your DH wants to see her for any reason, he can do it offsite, not in your home.

Harry's picture

Must keep SD out of your home.  At all cost.  No holidays, birthdays, GK also stay put. DH can go out to see her if he wants.  You must control the money so DH doesn't support her 

Rags's picture

No, you are not wrong.  I would suggest that you stay firm with DH on her nor her children being on your property ever. Whether you are there or not.   She is using her latest crack baby to weasel her way in.  Her felon fathered crack babies cannot be victimized to give their waste of skin BM a way to manipulate your DH without consequences being brought to bear against SD.  Sadly, her children are the ultimate victims of her choices..

IMHO of course.

sandye21's picture

So, am I wrong?  Absolutely not.  You are nipping this in the bud now instead of later like many of us did - which made everything much more difficult.

After 20 years of abuse from SD I told DH that SD was no longer welcome in my home (which I owned at the time), he could see her elsewhere.  I was never sorry for doing this, but had some mixed reservations at first.  It's been 9 1/2 years since.  The more time goes by, the more I know I did the right thing.  Your first responsibility is your child.  You do not owe it to DH or SD to expose him to a train wreck.

Old sm's picture

I had to do the same thing when my Sd was 18 for almost the same reasons; it was the best thing I did for my family. Stay strong and stand your ground for your child

MissTexas's picture

You and your husband need to stand as a united front for your marriage and your son. 

Correct, you should not be made to feel like a visitor or uncomfortable in your own marital home. I don't care WHO owned it BEFORE marriage. This is WHERE HE BROUGHT YOU TO LIVE AS HIS WIFE.

As per the "apology" please know if she were to come forth and offer one, it would only be part of her strategy to work her way back into your lives. Mine treid a "group text apology" (they always need their flying monkeys and the paper trail in case the law or judges and attorneys need to get involved). She later called DH asking how it went, and he told her "Not very well. She called BS on it and blocked you. She said your actions need to match your words and they don't." That was that. As bad and as her crazy rant was and as much as I suffered PTSD for over a year after the fact, God really DOES work all things for our good. I haven't had to see her nasty face, hear her vile voice or be in her presence since THEN. It was my "get out of jail free" card and I was not about to back down and take steps backward. There's no future in the past. Keep marching forward. Be sure to do what I and others have done and block her from your life in every way possible. She's blocked on all social media (I rarely use any of it), phone, email, no photos of her around my house, no cards in drawers, NOTHING. I have wiped her from every facet of  my life. She is not even the dirt under my fingernails or the shit on the heel of my boots. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

It's important to know this is a process, but at the first opportunity you must take a stand and YOU ARE DOING JUST THAT. Should you EVER have a moment of weakness, or want to "make DH happy" (that was my problem, I made myself miserable so he could be happy) think about that little boy you are raising, and let him and your love for him be your compass. 

Loser daughter needs to have her tubes tied after this one and be permanently vanquished from your life and your son's life.

DPW's picture

You are NOT wrong. At all. 

Toxic, toxic, toxic. She needs to grow up and start adulting. Hold her accountable.

 

ShadowAthena's picture

Shes toxic and bad for you and your child. And shes coming inbetween you and your husband. Keep an eye on those kids of hers. Make sure they're okay too.

Anon9368's picture

Trying to keep an eye as much as possible through other people but she's always kept me well away. But I like to think if anything happened someone would contact DH and we could help the little ones, not her. She made her bed. 

Anon9368's picture

Hi fellow step parents - thanks so much for your support and reassuring me I'm not just over reacting or being a psycho. My DH saying 'but remember she's just a kid' is bull but it still makes me feel a little bad when it's said often enough. If she was a child though, this behaviour would still be unacceptable and I'd expect DH to punish her correctly but he likes to be 'fun dad' too much. 

She phoned a couple days ago whilst I was out with my LB and woke DH up after his night shift. Phoned continually until he woke up and answered her. Demanded to come to the house. DH said no as he was on night shift again and needed to sleep. She then asked for money and he said no again as we do not HAVE the money to give her all the time. 

I came home and said 'I was worried I was going to get here and find SD here, Haha' and DH told be about the call. Even though we've previously agreed, DH wants her to come and hang out in the garden soon. I said categorically no. If I give an inch, she'll take a mile. Stipulated ultimatum to DH again as much as I dislike doing it. I am not having myself or my son around that. Caused a big argument but there is nothing stopping him seeing her out with the house and I won't budge on this. 

I don't know if it was because I was born to a young drug/drink mother and then raised by a Gran who learned to totally protected me after a few too many second chances, that I'm so against exposing my boy to it, but I am. I have no desire for him to be around a human like that. The world is bad enough without having a drunken junkie baby factory for a half sister. She can have her second chances with other people. I'm done. 

So thank you everyone ❤

Rags's picture

Your GM broke the cycle that your BM started. What a great lady your GM is.  Your refusal to tolerate your SD to damage your own child's life is exactly the right position IMHO.

Good for  you.

sandye21's picture

You are actually fortunate in that the experience with your Mother demonstrated to you exactly what you will be exposing your child to if you allow SD into your home.  As you know, most drug / alcohol addicts are in a position of caring more about themselves and what they want at the moment than anyone or anything else.  Been there, done that.  For your child - don't budge.  And by the way, SD is no longer a 'kid'.  She is an adult.  Unless she is attending college she should be taking care of herself.  You do not have to explain or justify anything else regarding SD to DH.  At this point, a simple, "No" should suffice.

CLove's picture

Taking a strong stand, for yourself as well as kiddo. You only regret the boundaries you did not have.

It took me a looooong time to realize this. 3 years ago, SDnow21 moved out. Life has been blissful since then. She has called me vile names, lied about me, accused me of abusing her sister, and all kinds of fun.

AT 18, after her high school graduation which I sadly had to attend to support DH, she got a job a few towns over and started staying with someone. She did not have a drivers license (and at now 21 STILL does not have one), so DH did not give her a car, and was using expensive driving services (UBER). Well she went no contact  - basically ghosted us - with an occasional text. Bliss. After 7 months of keeping her crap in her room with the door closed, I got tired of paying to store her stuff, and went through everything. Got rid of all the furniture, cleaned out all her trash. Donated, and bagged. Put in a fish tank and plants and a beautiful wooden writing desk, candles. Cleaned out the closet completely and made it into a sort of project, meditation, crafting, dressing room. I love it now. Took the door off. Munchkin SD14 and I hang out and talk there.

A few years later, SD21 Feral Forger started living with the monther Toxic Troll. They are so alike they really dont get along and its constant drama. Mental hospitals etc. A few times, Feral Forger (guess how she earned the moniker) asked to move back to our house. The answer was always "you need to talk to clove". crickets...

He has full license to have a relationship with her, just not at our house. She only texts to ask for money, and because we have separate finances, he can spend his cash after bills and mortgage any way that he wants to. That is our deal.

Good luck and keep us posted!