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Any Funeral/Step Hell Stories?

ldvilen's picture

Submitted by ldvilen on Fri, 09/25/2015 - 6:44pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

While I was surfing around on a different site, the issue came up of should an estranged son be notified when his father passes? It got many interesting responses. However, one step mom mentioned that at her husband of 25 years’ funeral, his ex- showed up in a black veil expecting to stand in the receiving line. This really got me thinking. . .your husband could pass on, and his distant adult children, his ex-wife, etc. could all show up expecting to be A#1, with you being relegated to the back row once again. After going through wedding hell, I was already beginning to realize that this may be a never ending saga. BUT, I never thought about Funeral Hell!? I was just curious what others may have experienced or heard about others experiencing. And, how did they handle it?

Even though it is somewhat of a morbid topic, I bring it up, because I did get some tips from this other site on how to protect yourself, such as a Living Will, which I never would have thought of, if I hadn’t come across this topic. So, posting it here because I know we all have good stories and it may help other SMs too.

hatesteplife's picture

Submitted by hatesteplife on Fri, 09/25/2015 - 8:30pm

My husband has an estranged son, and I would notify him. However, if his ex wife showed up at the funeral expecting to be in the receiving line, I'd shut that down STAT.
DH and I have a living will, which is a good idea for anyone.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Fri, 09/25/2015 - 8:34pm

We have thought about this as SDs both have crazy husbands. SDs only email, call, or show up when they want something.
My kids know the SDs are pretty worthless and have promised to look after DH if I go first.

We know SDs and their husband will be looking for money when one of us goes so we have tried to make things as air tight as possible. We have a prenuptial and wills that mirror it. We have transfer upon death designated on our separate bank accounts. We have power of attorney for health care and finances.

I know the SDs will be front and center at the funeral acting as if their father was important in their life. I figure that if I could deal with my first husband's sister, who tried to change the funeral arrangements (without talking to me), I can deal with them.
I plan to make the arrangements and if they don't like it --too bad. My mom always said visit me while I am alive, not at the cemetery. If they can't visit or call their dad while he is alive then they get no say in the arrangements.

If I go first I doubt SDs will show up at the funeral.

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Fri, 09/25/2015 - 8:41pm

I would expect our kids to attend. I would do so only if they asked me to, but would not expect to be a part of the receiving line. I'd go through the line w/other mourners, offer my condolences to his widow and carry on.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Fri, 09/25/2015 - 10:05pm

I have a funeral hell story but feel like I've told it too many times. But here goes.

BM did not tell DH when older adult (criminal) son died - out of state on the lam from the law. She arranged the funeral, put DH's name in the obit and told everyone that DH couldn't be bothered to attend the funeral.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 3:27pm

You always win the thread with that one, Notasm. It always leaves me gobsmacked when I read that.

ldvilen's picture

Submitted by ldvilen on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 12:30pm

I think the only way it would happen would be the way Echo stated--if you let it happen. However, not sure how you'd handle it if some sort of attempt was made? Funerals can be weirder than even weddings, in my experiences.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 1:59pm

If anyone had attempted this at my first husband's funeral, it would have been handled. My family is awesome.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 7:53am

My husband has 2 daughters, 2 ex-wives. The oldest daughter is estranged and I wouldn't even know how to contact her but she would find out on FB, as DH's family is "friends" with her. Ya know, that fake, Facebook type of friends. They are like that with BM2, also.

I would contact SD24, even though we are not close and I don't see her often, she and DH talk on the phone a lot and they were very close at one time (when she is mad at BM2, she calls a lot). She would not expect to be A#1, though, she knows that's my spot.

BM2 (the only one I really talk about) would definitely try to make the funeral about her and so would her mother, if she is still alive at the time. I know for a fact that DH would not want BM or any of her family there so I guess we need to talk about what to do. Can funerals be invitation only?

BM1 is not a problem. She would probably not go out of respect for DH (she realizes her and DH are not family anymore). If she did go, she would not cause a scene so it would not bother me.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 2:52pm

I wouldn't be able to contact SD directly as I don't have her phone number either. And because she is pretty much alienated from DH's family, it will be hard to contact her. I HAVE contacted people on Facebook, whom I am not friends with for emergencies, but my SD has a fairly common name, and I think she might have blocked me. Oh well, I will contact DH's family and hope they can get through to her by the time the funeral takes place.

To avoid any problems at the funeral I would make sure I was surrounded with friends who have my back.

My DH refuses to make out a will - or so he says, but I've done everything I can (hopefully) to protect joint assets.

hatesteplife's picture

Submitted by hatesteplife on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 12:35pm

I don't think I'd have a lot of trouble at the funeral....it would be AFTER the funeral, when the whole lot of them would be trying to get their hands on any money or stuff that they possibly could.

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Sun, 09/27/2015 - 10:39am

I have thought of this from time to time. SSs have little contact with their father (my husband) and has been very hurt. The boys were fine with me until we announced we were getting married, they were 7 & 9 at the time. They adjusted and seemed more accepting when husband had a child of our own but then as adults those hurt feelings emerged once again, there was a struggle of "I am an adult now, I do no have to accept you" kind of thing going on and a BM that supported and contributed to their hatefulness. You basically can say husband has been estranged from his sons for 10 years. I have no doubt the boys see all the issues as my fault and more than likely feel I have manipulated their father and have a ring in his nose leading him around but reality is that my husband has a mind of his own and is quite stubborn. I have had little support from him thru the years which has compounded the issues.

Regardless of the family dynamics the boys are still his sons and I would oblige my husband's wishes for what he wants his sons to have when the time comes.