Any Advice on Coping With the Anger? Don’t Want to Be Bitter
Hi again all! I joined last year when I shared my story. Although I don’t post a lot, I come here several times a week to gain wisdom, advice, and coping skills to help me in our situation. I have become very familiar with many of your stories and I just thank God there is a forum like this where people can share and support each other.
Breif re-cap. Been married to my husband 8 years. He has 2 kids, SD 25 who has a live in bf and 3 kids, and a SS 28, who is single, lives with Bio mom, and considers life a big party. There is also my SIL in the picture who is going through a separation and who stands by my SK’s, egging and encouraging them on, enabling thier every bad choice. They all live 1000 miles away from DH and me, thank God. They tolerated me just fine until my DH and SIL ‘s father passed away over a year ago, leaving a considerably large inheritance to each of them. Things got very ugly because SIL was estranged from her father for 10 years, while DH and I were his primary end of life caregivers. She accused me of swindling part of her inheritance and started running me down to DH’s kids. These are absolutely false accusations. Despite their estrangement, she got an equal 50%. I think SIL struggled with the fact that her Dad loved and cared about me, but wouldn’t speak to her due to estrangement. Then SIL, SD, and SS decided to deliver an ultimatum to my husband demanding he leave me, and move back to where they all live, or they wanted nothing to do with him and would write him off. My DH told them anyone who loved him would never ask such a thing from him, and I am his wife and he will never leave me. I should note these kids have a constant stream of money provided to them from aunt to enable all sorts of bad decisions, especially SS who crashes his cars, does drugs, and gets arrested. SIL always interferes with DH’s parenting and bails them out. Daddy decided some time ago to say no more $. Although “THEY” cut my husband off, periodically they would still text or contact my DH with accusations and drama. They couldn’t live with their own rule of never speaking to my DH again.
‘The latest is my DH maintains a relationship with an older aunt who lives by us and he helps out now and again. Well in recent months, this aunt has suddenly become SIL’s favorite person to call to gossip and constantly trash my DH and myself, telling outrageous lies and untruths, dragging her in the middle. Naturally, now aunt is asking my DH about things, where he doesn’t want to hear it, wanting them to live with THEIR choice, but it’s obviously to difficult for them. My DH went over aunts home last week where she told him SIL called her and told aunt my DH didn’t even call His daughter for her birthday! Of course not, SD wrote her Dad off last year, why would he? She doesn’t contact him on his birthday, nor have these SK’s ever done anything for holidays for DH in the 8 years we have been together. It’s all about what “they” can get, never give. Aunt also informed DH that SIL’s significant other of 17 years left her, and their 16 yr old recently locked SIL in a room for more than an hour because she was angry at her. KARMA!!!! Aunt finally said to DH, “I hear your daughter is living in a trailer in her in moms driveway with her bf and 3 kids because they got evicted. Your daughter keeps asking SIL to buy them a house.” (Probably because neither of them ever want to work, just have babies). My DH said “My DD is a grown woman who can live how she wants, my obligations as her provider are over.” Naturally though, now things are getting tense with the aunt and the relationship they shared because of SIL gossip. This has really hurt my DH. These people are TOXIC beyond belief. It’s like they live to try to hurt and destroy my DH any way they can, all from 1000 miles away. Just 2 days ago, my DH shut his phone off and got a new number so now there is NO way to contact him, except email. He is so sad he has to cool his relationship with his older aunt now as well. It’s the only way to stay away from it.
My question from you all is this....I am SO pi——ed off at what they are doing to my DH! My anger is boiling over and I just want to blast all 3 of them for what they have and continue to do in their obsession to hurt my DH. I know it won’t change anything, but I sure would feel better. My DH says no, you’ll just be giving them what they want—attention. How do I cope with this anger and rage I feel inside and what do I do with it? I know it is so unhealthy, but right now I can help it. I don’t want to become bitter. Please share how you have handled your anger and how you helped resolve it. I so appreciate any advice or feedback. Thanks guys, and I keep all of you in my thoughts and heart with your stories.
Follow you DH's advice.
Follow you DH's advice. Ignore them and do not relent to their vicious passive aggression. It is a way of life with people like them. My SD57 and SGD34 are exactly the example of what you are going through. They tried for years to destroy our marriage and my life.
My DH did not have my back; your DH seems to know what is going on and supporting you. This is why you follow his advice, disengage from these people, and let your DH handle it. Walk away from them now. It will be easier for you, because your DH supports you.
You cope with the anger through disengagement. I still have anger and rage inside me, but I will NEVER give these two women the satisfaction of the fight. I never have had words with either. I just make sure I don't have to interact with them at any time. When I do have to be around them, I treat them civil and like they are a person I met on the street and nothing more.
I have a lot of history in writing from my SD and I have turned it over to an Attorney; she and DH are aware that my Attorney has the material. SD57 leaves me alone now and has even tried to be friends. NOT happening. I am moving forward and after 5 years of disengagement, I don't give this woman a thought, unless I write here or she pops in to visit dear ole' Dad.
I am happier and at peace. You will get there, if you drop them from your life and concentrate only on DH and your life together, excluding them. Ignore the gossip and distance yourself from hearing or listening to it. Don't ask your DH or discuss them with your DH. Let him visit and have his family and you walk a different direction. This is what I do and they hate the silence. I tried for years to be nice; it is their loss. I've gained peace.
It might help
Your story, like so many here, is heart wrenching. At least your DH has the commitment to your marriage as a priority. So many of us are missing that. Love him for that because it is for some strange reason a rare thing. Talk with him and make sure he knows that you are hurting for him too. If you research the 5 languages of love, find out which he responds best to and provide that in abundance. If he is hurting, his knowing how much you care will help.
This next one is a tough one and one I battled for months. Forgiveness. I always resisted because I felt what happened was so wrong and I couldn’t condone that type of behavior. But forgiveness is something you do for you to let go of the hurt, anger, and resentment. It will be an anchor that weighs you down until you get past it. I actually used sorrow and pity to replace my anger and resentment. These people are shallow, self-centered, and hateful when they don’t get what they feel they deserve. I fell sorry for people that have such a view of life and cannot have any gratitude for what their father has done for them from the time they were born. We are not responsible for the happiness of our grown children.
I don’t know if any of that helps. But I believe crisis comes to those that use it as fuel to grow and become a better version of who they are. I also know healing doesn’t begin until there is forgiveness. And I am talking about your and DH’s healing.
I hope you find your peace
Time. Disengagement. And
Time. Disengagement. And realizing that they are miserable people and will always be miserable people, who will want to blame anybody they can for how their lives have turned out.
Although it is sad that your husband has had to step back from his relationship with his aunt, she is playing her own part in this.
My DH has toxic family members, as well, and it has taken a long time and just staying away from them, living our own lives, to get past the anger and the hurt. In DH's own words, he "loves them from afar".
It's hard, though, to think that ones own family would do the things that they do. Hey, you don't want to have a healthy relationship? Fine, then go about your business, but the gossiping and the backstabbing is just unnecessary.
Oh, the stories that I could tell you, including DH's sister and his niece (along with BM, who they supposedly hated) deciding that DH was the father of my niece (my sister's kid). And they did this in front of my SD, who was about 13, at the time. What really hurt DH, was that his own family would believe something like that.
I know all too well about toxic family members.
Just want to say, your DH is
Just want to say, your DH is a keeper. Follow his lead. Live your happiness together as far from the toxicity as you can. It is a shame they had to poison his relationship with the aunt, but aunt also is accountable for what she allows in her life.
Your DH has this nailed.
Your DH has this nailed. Follow his advice. Rather than blasting them... just bare their asses with the facts. Tell the Great Aunt that the toxic Skid is a manipulator who has a long history of manipulating and taking advantage of people and she is doing the same with the Great Aunt.
Facts are the way to deal with these disgusting people. That and to bare their idiot asses any time they crawl out from under the slime covered rock at the bottom of the cess pool they live in.
There is a lot of truth to
There is a lot of truth to this, ". . . just bare their butts with the facts." In other words, don't feel you have to hide anything from any of these people. Part of the reason why so many wind up loathing on DH and SM, is because DH (and SM) are, and I almost hate to say this, too noble. DH and SM try to stay out of any controversy, take the high road, suck it up, never bring up facts to support themselves, and so on. They do this because a) That is what everyone tells them to do; and, b) They just assume once the kids are older they'll figure it out on their own.
Meanwhile, BM or someone else in the family may be PAS'ing the child, yucking it up with others about deadbeat dad and his woman, telling the kids over and over that SM is not your mom so she doesn't matter, insinuating bio-dad is forever "married" to BM, and so on. Although everyone seems to like to think that once children are adults they'll somehow be able to see thru to the truth; unfortunately, this just isn't usually what occurs. DH needs to start early with his children laying the groundwork, with the facts, that he is their father, he is his own person and makes his own decisions, he (along with his wife) gets to set the rules for this household, that SM is to at least be respected as his partner, and so on.
Don't keep secrets for antagonists. This is what will drive you nuts--that you are taking the high road, they are not, and at the same time they are getting away with murdering a child's relationship with his father. You don't need to call them hos in front of their faces, but you do need to tell your truth, the truth and stop keeping secrets that, if anything, allow the character-assination of your DH and you to continue.
This is sooooo true ... very wise words!!!
You couldn't have done a better job of articulating it!
SS tried an end run with one
SS tried an end run with one of dh’s sisters. I nipped that with straight facts delivered with little emotion. My SIL is a lovely person who is no dummy. She knows me and knows SS’s history. She just hoped (as I had) that he’d finally grown up after having a child.
I married a man from a similarly toxic family,
right down to the meddling/enabling SIL, the gossipy aunt, and the greedy entitled SDs. Lots of females, lots of hidden agendas, triangulation, and relational aggression.
It helped me a great deal to realize that these people were damaged long before I ever met my DH. They're merely following their programming like lemmings. Yes, it's shocking to an outsider - awful and sad and completely dysfunctional, but nothing to do with you. Think of It as a very long tawdry book documenting a dysfunctional group of people. You opened the book to chapter 12, and there's 20 more drama filled chapters to go. Not really worth getting involved with, is it?
It sounds as if your DH has managed to remove himself from the swamp. He's detached from his blood relatives, because he recognizes that nothing can be done. GOOD FOR HIM. As women, we are often territorial and protective of those we love, but try to have more faith in him and his choices. I didn't with my DH, wasting years trying to facilitate relations and urging him to be more involved with his kids and family of origin. It accomplished nothing, just as he knew it would.
Some sessions with a personal therapist might be a good option for you. A safe place to spill all of your feelings of anger, resentment, disgust, and disbelief that these people embrace a normal that is anything but, followed up by learning how to build a big, thick, imaginary brick wall between you and them. And start a blog here, where you can write out your experiences and feelings, and get support from members who get it.
Lots of females, lots of
Yes. This!
Like you, and a lot of the
Like you, and a lot of the other posters here, my spouse has an extremely toxic clan of a “family”. Truly miserable, manipulative, backstabbing, grifter-like people that I am constantly working to keep well beyond an arms reach.
It’s exhausting, but absolutely necessary to have a happy and healthy marriage. You’re truly lucky to have such a supportive and loving spouse!
Go to therapy, garden, read, take up a new hobby, meditate, go to yoga, or just get out and walk. These things can be healing.
I’d advise against any sort of vengeful behavior with your words. Just get it all out here. Rise above and don’t give them any ammo. You will come out looking much better in the end.
^^^This^^^
Historically, DH and I do best when we stay inside our "bubble" and keep his drama-filled family at arm's length. It was a mental adjustment, and required some practice, but is now the reason we have a happy life.
Invest your energies in creating a life filled with fulfilling pursuits, positive people, and happy experiences. Choose to put those nasty people out of your mind, and thank goodness that they aren't close geographically.
I'm so busy living my happy
I'm so busy living my happy life, I rarely have time to think about BM or SD, but when I do, I giggle a little at how miserable they are. They'll never have what I have. Even if they did have everything they wanted, they'd still be miserable. They're miserable people.
XH actually became a millionare after I left him, and it matters not at all to me. My DS26 asked me recently how I can live with all the things his dad did to me, and I told him honestly what I just told you, I'm busy and happy, and I never think about him. And DS actually said it himself, "Yeah, he'll never have what you have."
Not only am I no longer angry, he's so pathetic, I actually feel a bit sorry for him.
Thanks so much
Thanks so much to all of you for your words of wisdom and your support. It helps a lot to have all of your input and perspectives. I so appreciate it. A few earlier posters mentioned the older Aunt having her part in this! YES, I didn’t think of that. She allows SIL to call her and dump on her brother and me, listens and gives her a sounding board. She could say “NO, STOP, or I don’t want to hear it” but I guess the juicy gossip is to much to resist. Sadly it’s best if he cools that relationship as well. My poor DH is a complete orphan. Not one family member that truly loves him and doesn’t trash him. He is the scapegoat. Makes me so sad. He is such a loving and wonderful person with an amazing heart. I’m lucky to have him. And luckily my children, sister and family adores him. At least he has us. You guys are wonderful, thank you for being there for me. I continue to keep you and your many stories and struggles in my thought too!
Forgiveness so you can obtain
Forgiveness so you can obtain peace is tough. Especially when you watch all the antics going on.
When you talked about the SIL suddenly becoming chummy with an elderly aunt you and your hubby help out my feeling was that she is making sure she is numero uno in the lady'w will when she passes. Sadly, I have seen this a lot with my friends and their families.
I guess only things like the Serenity Prayer and trying to keep away from all the drama would help. The anger will eventually go as you realize there is nothing you can do and being angry only hurts you and your hubby. Forgiveness is a whole different thing. I forgive but I do not forget. To explain that I mean I don't sweat the small stuff but I DO watch for patterns. People that repeatedly do hurtful things, then say they are sorry, don't deserve forgiveness. What they deserver is your back as you walk away from them forever.
No need to be bitter. Turn it
No need to be bitter. Turn it into your favorite hobby to bare their butts and have fun doing it. It can be done nobly but it should be done.
I am practitioner of the zero tolerance philosophy myself. Particularly when it comes to toxic crap. I do not disengage, I confront and destroy.