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Another day in Paradise....

Overit2018's picture

Today I am tired, I didn't sleep last night at all and have gotten nothing done today like I originally planned. I took a short nap and as soon as I woke up, SD was home early from work. YAAAY!! (sarcasm) when I told DH I was not in the mood, he got all defensive. I went to my office & he came in there and I informed him that she's been getting letters from school asking her to go see them about the transfer program to the main campus. Every time it's brought up, she brushes it off. I finally snapped and told him "YOU need to be the parent here and push her to find out when she is going to get transferred. Her sole reason for being here was to go to school and now she just shrugs it off." He said OK OK I will, and that was about it.

Every Friday he and I watch a certain show on TV. For WEEKS when she gets home on Fridays she just goes in her room and does her own thing which is fabulous. Today I hear her tell him from my office that she's going to come and watch it with us tonight. I am tired, grumpy, and NOT in the mood. Should I just stay in my room and let them watch it together without me? I think it may prove my point that he needs to decide: would you rather spend time with your WIFE or your mooch daughter every Friday night? He knows I am not in the mood for her today. I told her I am sick of her always in my space. Hopefully, he finally gets it. I am not playing around anymore. Something needs to HAPPEN.

futurobrillante99's picture

I'd skip it the show. That's better than seething with resentment then snapping and saying something you'll regret later.

I'd also be tempted to tell him that you're on the edge and it would be wise if he told SD to give you some space OR he takes you out for the evening.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Maybe if she snaps, she'll say something that'll help push the titty baby out the door. Perhaps to the store to trade her dipeys in for big girl panties. And a cup,after all she'll need SOMEthing to drink out of so she doesn't get too dehydrated from getting her mouth of dadas tit.

Overit2018's picture

Well the only bit of good news is that this is a satellite campus for the main campus. Once she's taken a certain amount of classes, she can't go any further without registering at the main campus because they literally don't offer an entire program for what she supposedly wants to do. On the downside, I have a sinking feeling she doesn't have enough credits yet to transfer, which is why I am so mad and pushing this so hard. She WILL go to take a summer class if that gets her there faster. I am sick and tired of excuses. I never talk to BM but I am getting tempted by the day to call her and ask her what her daughter's true intentions are here since they're "best friends" and talk a lot more than we do. I need an answer. She is clearly not motivated at ALL to go on to the big college so it's time for a reckoning. Either she gets the credits she needs and transfers within the next couple of months, or she can get on a plane and go back home. She came here for school. Period. Not to harass me and DH and live under our roof for no reason. 

MurphysLaw's picture

I TOLD you what to do.

CONFRONT THEM BOTH- STRAIGHT UP- WHAT IS THE PLAN-WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING???!!!

You need to do this BEFORE you snap and really go off on both of them.

Do it calmly & in a friendly but firm tone.

Overit2018's picture

This community college is very small and doesn't have dorms, it's basically a satellite to the main campus, and most enrollees start here and then transfer. This location only offers up to 2 years total worth of classes before you either A) drop out or transfer to a different school to finish your degree or Dirol transfer to the main campus. There is a program here that helps these kids get ready to transfer, and they've been sending her letters and open house invites for weeks, all of which have been ignored. DH is NOT paying for school, she's taking out loans just like we both did. That's the upside. She has a decent job & apparently BM told her months ago to "save at least 3 mos. rent so you'll have a backup when you move" which is great advice. Is she taking it? I have no idea, but I have my doubts since she buys new shoes all the time and eats nothing but fast food every damn day. Anyway, the plan was for her to transfer. But when is the question. Part of me hopes (and almost thinks deep down) she might end up moving back home with mommy at some point, which would be even better. Her lack of motivation makes me think maybe she is considering it after this semester but is too scared to tell us yet? That would be awesome if that were the case but if it's not, then she needs to get off her duff and work on transferring ASAP. 

tog redux's picture

I'm assuming the main campus has dorms, so it's fair for DH to say - "you will have two years at the satellite on X date, so I expect you to transfer to the main campus by Y date, and move into the dorms".

Again, kids today get too comfy at home, and they don't want to leave.

Overit2018's picture

Completely agree and that's what I've been repeating to him over and over. I've even said, "You can already tell she's way too comfortable here." When your SKID has their own room and still sits in your living room with you and your husband, she's too Gdamn comfortable. He is so blind to this. Her point was to have a room here until she finished up her creds and then she needs to move on. Suddenly it's like that plan has been thrown out the window and ignored by the both of them. I am thinking about how and when I can casually say to them both in the same room "So-how is it going with the transfer process? Have you decided where you're going to live yet?" Just to see what the reaction is. I guarantee it with be either silence or some lame excuse and then a changing of the subject.

STaround's picture

Has gotten much worse.   To compare it with people who took at loans 10-20 years ago may not be fair.  He needs to sit down and help her with a budget.  I think she needs to get as many credits as possible, in her major, or major required, before she moves. 

Overit2018's picture

This is actually part of my main concern: Her first semester, she literally took 3 high school level courses, and BM even told her she didn't think she was taking or doing enough. This semester, still only 3 courses and they're all online so she doesn't even have to get off her lazy A$$ and walk into a classroom. I fear between the two semesters, she's still not going to have enough to transfer, which is partly why I'm pushing him to get her to meet with someone here at the local college. They've sent her letters asking her to meet with them & the main campus invited her to an open house, both of which requests have been ignored by her, so neither I nor DH knows where she stands. And apparently, neither of them care. I do. Sad It's not that I care about her future in school, it's more that I need to know when she will be moving on. Selfish? Maybe. Oh well. I want my space and life back!!

STaround's picture

With her transcirpt, and discuss major requirements?   They have a good relationship?  I tell my DD, there will be a day I will not be here to take care of you. 

Rags's picture

IMHO after age 18 a kid's presence in the family home and access to family support is dependent on compliance to structured requirements.

1. Reasonable behavior

Discussion, conversation, debate and even disagreement is possible as long as the kids maintain compliance with standards of reasonableness.  Parents/SParents of course must be reasonable as well.  Volatility cannot happen on either side.

2. Kids must  be working on a measurable and active progression to self sufficiency and independence.

3. Kids must actively participate in the home to whatever stipulations are set by the adults in the home.  Continued presence is at the discretion of the adults who own, provide and are the authority in the home. Though they may not be minors, adult child residents of the home do not have equal adult status or privileges in the home.

4. The non-minor children residents retain access only upon the continued agreement of the actual adult partners who provide the home.  Either adult partner has veto rights at any time for any reason. 

Discuss it... sure.  Debate it... absolutely.  But... if both equity partners do not agree... then the non-minor child resident has to make alterative arrangements.

This of course does not necessarily apply for special needs adult children that are either developmentally or physically incapable of independence.   This does not necessarily include non-minor kids with flavor of the month behavioral "conditions".  NPD, BPD, etc.... are not get out of jail free cards that guarantee continued resident in the home provided by the equity life partners. 

Any number of variables may influence how these criteria are applied. But the partners have to agree or the non-minor kid is gone.

IMHO of course.

 

Overit2018's picture

#2 seems to be our big issue. I will admit, she is NOT a bad kid. She means well, mostly doesn't complain, and she is gainfully employed. My fear is her emotional inability to grow as a mature woman. She will be in 19 next month, and see no inkling of her motivation nor desire to prepare for the real world. She has it much too good here, so there's no real incentive for her to leave. Her and DH are in the living room watching a movie together as we speak. I am in my office. He probably doesn't even see the issue with that. She needs friends. She needs a life other that Daddee. It's infuriating. 

marblefawn's picture

If you OK'd her moving in there, then I think you have to be pleasant and not casting it up to anyone that she's there. When your husband said he thinks SD knows you're tired of her being there, that should have been a moment to check yourself. You agreed to her moving in and I doubt anyone told her, "You're only here because you have to be somewhere, not because we like you. Don't get comfortable. Don't expect us to be nice. We're counting down the moments until you go." I don't think it's fair to let her move in and then treat her like she's an annoyance.

I understand that you don't like her in your space -- I wouldn't like it either. That's why I would have said "no" to her moving in. But you didn't. You said "yes." If she's not moving fast enough to get out, talk to her father. But I don't think it's fair to take it out on her. Yes, she's old enough to live on her own, but she's not living on her own.

You and your husband should have setup a timeline and shared it with everyone: SD, BM. That's your power, not microaggressions because your'e tired of her being there.

It's not too late to setup a timeline. Talk with your husband, decide what is reasonable and fair, then share it with BM and SD. It's harder to do it after the fact, but you can still do it. If you know that exit date is coming, it will be easier for you to tolerate SD now. If she knows that exit date is coming, and you mean it, maybe she will step up. But if there is no expectation of an end, it sends the wrong message to SD.