I know what you posted is a glimpse, not a big picture version of things, however, if your man isn't doing anything to make his son launch, he, my friend is your biggest problem. He is the son's enabler, It seems both parents have bought into his "disability" victim mentality, if not created it. Poor brother also.

People with disabilities can work. Also, he can be evaluated by a physician, and given the "all clear" to work. Even at Wal-Mart, there are people with disabilities such as cerebral palsy working as greeters, and in other areas. There are blind and deaf musicians, for goodness sake, the son has his vision and hearing, and can speak clearly, right? He could have a call center job, or work from home with Amazon or something like that since he's proficient with the computer. Also, if he drove the entire 12 hours to the vacay destination, he could be a driver for UPS, or FedEx, or some other company. Just from what you've shared about him, I can create a marketable resume!

Wow! Who wouldn't ONLY want to do the fun stuff? He's been ALLOWED to sit back, claiming he doesn't feel well, and the brother gets the brunt of the chores, and anything else that pops up.

What will this man-boy do if mom dies and he can no longer suck the proverbial hind tit? Daddies die too, then what? You seriously need to talk to your husband to be, and get this all settled. It will only fester and get worse if  you don't, especially since the son made the decision for you not to attend the symphony. This speaks loud and clear as to who runs the show around there, and it's not your man. I hope you have a testacle lock box, or Tupperware for him to store his balls in to keep them fresh unti he's ready to use them!

The toughest part here will be getting his dad on board.

What are the positive attributes that make you think marriage is a good idea?

You can date a person, share a bed with a person, love a person and not have to marry them, or pay all their bills, and their grown sons bills and be treated like crap by the grown son.

I'd give some serious thought to marrying this guy.  He does not sound like a prize, and you do not seem like his priority.  Your household can't afford internet, which frankly is vital these days, yet he's paying everything for his kids? Unacceptable.  The kids are the way they are because of the parenting.  Put the blame where it belongs and if you decide to marry this man, stop blaming his kids, because it's more his fault than theirs.

Thats hell. no. Do not marry this man who thinks its a very positive thing to "put the children first". Society out there teaches this, its a very common conception to have, yet, what does this actually look like? When we go out, Munchkin SD13 will give her opnion but I have final say. When Munchkin is with us, we dont really go out, we hang at home. We take turns choosing movies. Priorities change with need. The children when they are minors, should be the top responsibility, but not top priority.

Perhaps, if you think this is salvagable (I dont, based on your post and comments), perhaps try explaining it that way - priority vs responsibility. Talk to him about how he is enabling the elder SS, and actually encouraging his lack of work ethic. OSS needs to get a job, FDH needs to give him 30-day notice.

About excluding you and going on a "date with BM". Well gee, why is he with you then? "I dont know" is not an appropriate answer IMO. You need to be very firm and very explicit -no sugar coating! No spackling!!!

Yeah, I would rethink this one, unless you want to be supporting his kid for the rest of the kid's life. He's clearly capable of working (all jobs have to give accommodations to disabled people, it's the law) and doesn't want to.

Welcome to Step talk. Sorry that your going thru this.

Is it safe to assume your boyfriends adult son who is disabled receives SSI? How much does he get per month? That also means he qualifies for free health care and other govt subsidies, correct? Maybe low income housing, food stamps.

In your community there should be Voc-Rehab who will help with skills and employment. Google it and call. They may be in the next larger city,,,IF you cant find them call your Social Services for 'direction'.

I don't have the answer to your question. What I do know is your boyfriend is not helping his disabled son BECOME the best he can be maximizing his abilities. Thus placing a very high burden on living siblings to care for him when they should be focused on their own seperate lives after boyfriend passes away at a rip old age I HOPE.

Find out how much ssi he is getting AND all other entitlements too. I would hate for you to be getting the shaft. LOOK up average ssi /ssdi monthly checks for 2017, 18, 19----your jaw may drop.

If you stay in this relationship (give that some serious thought, ok?), you need to set some boundaries for yourself. DH is free to do what he wants with his ex and first family, but that doesn't mean you just have to take it. SHow him you mean business and you require that he commits to his relationship with you.

Something like: "DH, if you ever have a "date" with your exwife or have "happy family" time with her, I will feel that you care more about her feelings than mine. I can't be in a relationship where I'm not your top priority. If that happens, you will need to move out of the bedroom (or the house, or whatever) until we can work through this with an impartial third party."

I also don't get why it's been ok with you to totally support these people financially. And why is your daughter expected to contribute when even your SO is not? I'd be stopping that immediately. You're showing your daughter that his sons are more important than she is. And that it's up to women to take care of loser men. Again, boundaries. If it is important that he provide for his sons and only his sons, he can just go live with them and let you and your daughter take care of yourselves. Stop providing your money to people who are clearly taking advantage of you.

LOTS of disabled people work--maybe he can't have a job where he's on his feet all day, but he can darn well sit at a desk. I could do MY job if I couldn't walk, and I make a very good living. A coworker of mine has severe IBS, and she works just fine with an accommodation. His physical disability is not his biggest disability, you know what I mean? My own DD, who was temporarily disabled, still went to school fulltime and worked two part time jobs. Gimme a break with the "can't work" nonsense. "Won't work" because he doesn't have to, and that is squarely the fault of his parents.

You have a 14 year old daughter who should be your primary worry!  NO WAY would I bring my minor child (nor my just-adult 18 year old) into that kind of a situation.

PLEASE end the engagement!  Date the guy.  Move out and away from him and his sons and just date him.  

If he can't afford to pay for his part of your combined household and the one his sons live in, then he (and youngest son) need to go where he is paying (with oldest son).  

New businesses (in general) need time to become profitable. Unless something changes you will be supporting him for years. And if the business takes time to be profitable, expect oldest son moving in too.

You are not married to this guy. If I were your friend IRL I'd be trying to talk you out of marrying this guy. I'd be telling you to stop supporting him. I'd be pointing out the huge red flags he is waving in this relationship. (Check the posts above for the red flags)

You are being taken advantage of. You deserve better.

You should not tolerate this kind of treatment. When he divorced his ex wife that meant no more dates, kids don’t have a two parent family anymore. That would be enough for me to leave him. Then SS came home and rubbed it in your face. That’s unacceptable. Kick him and his kids out of your house. They can go stay with BM and play happy little family.

It is very clever and sensible. However, you and your girls (who could probably use internet) will be deprived it forever instead of confronting DH and SS about the problem? Before you ever marry this needs to be addressed, all of SS's controlling behaviors need to be stopped or you accept that the adult infant severely negatively impacts your life and your kids FOREVER! Find your boundaries.

For me, I would ask your guy to move in with his son until things can be worked out. He is paying for it all anyways.  May not be your choice, but it would be mine.

Best of luck.

ma'am pleaseeeeee

your being used and you don't care your being used.

I wish you the best !!

Nothing changes when nothing changes.  Sadly there are some adults that need to keep their chldren dependent on them, like my Twit.  Her Fatso was once talking about going for a management position at the grocery chain he works.  Right in front of him she says that he "hasn't got the disposition for management".  No, Twit is wrong.  What Fatso doesn't want to do is lose weight, cut the below shoulder--length greasy hair and cut his long Mountain Man beard into something that looks trimmed and cared for.

Same with the drunkie - until he hit someone head on and I guess landed in jail (haven't kept up with her melodrama about needing money for lawyers etc. any more - better things to do with MY life) it was never his fault he was guzzling, always that his friends were a bad influence on him.  But heck, she gave him free room and board, claimed she controlled the amount of liquor he could have (thre is that manipulation again but also an enablement) provided him with a car etc.  For years he didn't have a job and lived with her but she gave  him ciggy $$, gas $$ etc.  She is the enabler.