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Am I losing my mind?

Freebird13069's picture

So I’m sure a lot of these post start out as “I don’t know what happened, We used to get along so well”. I’m so confused, hurt and at my wits end. I came across this forum late last night after yet another long drawn out battle with my SS18. I’ve never belonged to a forum before so please bare with me as I learn the ropes. 

My SS18 has gotten worse and worse over the last 6 year. I meant him when he was 12. In the beginning things were great and we got along, we talked books, movies, joked around etc. He lives with his BM full time and she’s a piece of work, having men over at all hours of the night, stealing money, having her electric shut off or her heat. We tried to get  SS to come live with us full time but courts and SS didn’t want that to happen because he’s very much a mama’s boy. In his eyes she can do no wrong. The same with my in law, my SS18 has been so Manipulated by my MIL, SIL, etc because of their  narcissistic behavior.

Because of his close relationship with his Fathers family I believe he’s been brianwashed and there’s no hope for him. We’ve cut off contact with all of my in laws because of the unspeakable things they have done to my DH and I (Trust me they would make your head spin) so in retaliation my SS18 has made it impossible to have a relationship with his father and I. 

For years we have kept SS out of the arguments, tried keeping him out of the drama but the in laws pull him in, lie to him and manlipulate him. It’s seems these days that because we stood our ground and kept him out of things it’s biting us in the tush now. He says he forms his own opinion when he hasn’t heard both sides or the whole story. He calls his father a worthless peice of S***. Calls him sperm donor instead of dad, refuses to let him come to his high school graduation because his Aunt and Uncle will be there and their family not the sperm donor. We constantly hear “Your new family” when we have done everything to include him. Bought a bigger house so he could have his own room, clothes, musical instruments, beds for his mothers house since he didn’t have one there, the offer of a few car (not new) if he got his license (he refuses to learn how to drive), multiple trips to NYC, Disney, etc 

My DH won’t give in, he doesn’t cater to his child and he’s standing his ground with his family. I give him a lot of credit for being able not to give in at this point, I don’t think I could or would have for the sake of my child. 

I hope we are doing the right thing. I hope he wakes up someday and see people for who they really are. I keep telling myself this is not him, it’s his mother and grandmother talking threw him. But since this has been going on for 2 years now the more and more I see him slipping away. And my DH getting more and more heart broken every time he misses a life event of his child’s.

I hate to say it but I hope I’m/we’re not the only ones dealing with similar issues. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. 

Areyou's picture

Keep living your life and focusing on you and if they want to come around, great, if not, oh well. If they invite you , go, if they don’t, oh well. Keep being the steady person and not the manipulative one. The kid will grow up. Continue to reach out to the kid when appropriate. 

ldvilen's picture

Yep, that's the same conclusion I've come to as well.  I'd just add: Hopefully, the kid will grow up, and if not, oh well.  If they invite you, go if you so chose and if you feel it is safe.  As dad, your DH is under a stronger obligation than you are, and you don't always have to attend just because he does.  I don't think this is true for your DH, but some husbands want their wives to go w/ them to family events as some sort of buffer, and then once DH feels in a more comfortable position there, he has little hesitation in ignoring SM or tossing her if it makes things easier for him.

Freebird13069's picture

I agree with you 100% and will say I will go to support my husband and I stand with him in his decision.  Unfortunately, in the past when I haven’t attended something he or I have been called out by a family member stating “we don’t have the balls” so show our face. Not that I care what they think but I’ve been trying so they can’t come back and say that or something similar becaus SS will hear it and just repeat it later. Does that make sense? Lol sorry, this is all so frustrating. 

ldvilen's picture

There are generally two lines of thought to SM attending events with her husband, knowing full well that there could be evil afoot.  There is no right or wrong, but more so 'what works for you.'  One line is that you and your DH go and put on a show and kill 'em with happiness, so to speak.  Not let them get to you.  The other line is to more or less disengage and tell yourself, "I don't give a !@#$ what they say about me.  Go or not it is not going to make any difference."  So, you decide you are making things easier on yourself by sitting at least some of these events out and letting DH attend alone, if he so chooses.

Again, there is really no right or wrong.  There is just what you chose to do.  If you are going to attend these events regardless, then you really need to own it, and some people can do that, but not everyone can.  This means, you go, laugh loudly, chat with whomever, smile, don't let anyone get to you.  BUT, not everyone has the ability to do that.  Some of us are looking or longing for peace, and just don't want to deal with a whole truckload of garbage any more, so we decide to just let the truck move on by whenever we can.

The key with both takes is that you do what YOU feel comfortable with, and this may or may not include what your DH feels comfortable with.  If you are one of those people, and there are plenty, who can't just go and not let it get to them and not keep a smile plastered on their face, then you may want to go with the latter option.  Regardless, it should not matter one IOTA what any of them think about you or say about you.  Like I heard once, when it comes to SPs, they could be astoundingly perfect and 80% of all will still find fault with them.  Do what YOU feel comfortable with, and your DH can do what he feels comfortable with.  SS will be hearing all sorts of things you have no control over.  There is no reason to jump just because !@#$ family members are calling you out in the worst kind of way.

Freebird13069's picture

I really hope that’s the case. As of last night we were told we are not welcome to graduation. (Even though it’s a open event for all) We plan to still go and stand in the back so we can say we were there and My husband can see his son graduate. We were also blocked from contacting him via phone. He blocked his father simply because he told him he loved him. What kind of person does that? 

ishouldrun's picture

The same kind of ungrateful little brat that can't even get his dad a Father's Day card but he can come over to talk about his dad getting him a car.. . spoiled, ungrateful, manipulative, entitled brats.  At least your DH sees it for what it is, some still have blinders on and sit around believing that their kid is the greatest child on earth.  


Freebird13069's picture

He has become very ungrateful. When we try to talk to him about saying please or thank you. Or just general manners his response is “I shouldn’t have too, I’m your kid.” Granted that was before DH became the “sperm  donor“ and we cut off extra expense besides child support and healthcare. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's a losing battle, trying to parent well when your own family shows allegiance to the BM, enables, and supports an unhealthy dynamic. Your DH has been successfully marginalized, with help from the very people who are supposed to be loyal to him. He simply has no leverage.

Why is there such discord between your DH and his family? Are they just a nutty family that has always had problems, or is this falling out solely about the SS?



Freebird13069's picture

Unfortunately, there are many issues. He comes from a divorce family. His mother and father have been divorced for over 20 years but every chance his mother gets she tries to throw his father under the bus for this or that. When my DH his father stopped paying child support at 19 because my DH joined the work force after HS, got married and had a child. MIL was so upset over this (Mind you this was 20+ years ago) she tells everyone (random people) his father Emancipated him and he is no longer his father. DH and his father are close and DH has never held that against him. 

His Mother is Racist, bible-Thumping Fake Christians who look down on everyone. Every conversation with her starts with how much money her husband is making now. 

When my DH and his BM divorced his mother inserted herself in every arguement, always supporting the ex instead of her son no matter what proof was presented to her (stolen money, late night booty calls, etc) the ex could do no wrong. 

The last straw was when MIL attacked me for simply wanting to be apart of the family to be included. Guess that was my mistake. Because the ex can keep them, I don’t miss the drama. Just hurt it didn’t turn out better for my DH. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Aaah, your DH is a White Sheep. That's my term for people who manage to escape their crazy/dyfunctional families of origin and go on to build healthy, productive lives.

Individuals with a crazy/disordered parent of the opposite sex often start their adult life seeking out partners with a similar crazy streak. It's all they know, so it's not really surprising that your DH married someone crazy. My own spouse had to have two crazy SOs before he learned there was a different way to live.

Because narcissism is so common these days, theres a lot of good info out there on being the adult child of a narcissistic mother if you're interested or think your DH might be. Sadly, the best way to deal with a narc is to go no contact. As for your SS, not much you can do there, either. Kids that age are legally adults but lack the brains to go with the title. With time and maturity, he may change, but you've still got your own lives to live.

Freebird13069's picture

Yes! That is exactly it! I’m always telling him he married his mother the 1st time around. He’s the only child that has done something with his life, moved out of town, went to college, works a good job. A good memeber of society. 

I’ve just started reading how to deal with a narcissistic  Family. We’ve already cut off contact from all the in laws (except SS, but he has us blocked at the moment.) so...just one day at a time. We’ll see how Graduation goes Saturday. 

Freebird13069's picture

So we went this past weekend. I put on a smile and did my fake laugh did the best I could. His father was heartbroken because the kid wouldn’t even acknowledge him and would respond to his phone calls or text congratulating him and telling him he loved him. It breaks my heart to see him like this but he stood his ground, he went even when he wasn’t wanted and was the bigger person when family members mocked him or ignored him. 

The only good I see out of this now is he’s free from that family. With him out of HS and no ambition to save his life we shouldn’t be hearing from anyone on that side in quite awhile. That sounds so sad but the idea of peace and quite for awhile is overwhelming. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You DH is a honorable man. He did the right thing, and no one will ever be able to say he wasnt there for his son.