Am I a bad person to feel this way about SD19?
Fairly new to this site and was hoping to get the perspective of others who have been there before me.
A little background on this situation:
DH & his ex wife split up when SD19 was 3 mos. old. When SD19 was 12, DH got custody of her and she came to live with us and our BD (now 9). SD19 came from a very abusive household living with her mother and mother's BF and had endured sexual, physical, emotional and mental abuse while living there. After DH got custody, BM refused all contact with SD, and would not allow SD to have any contact with anyone in the immediate family, including SD's siblings. I took on the role of mom with everything - carrying health insurance, taking SD to doctor and counseling appointments, college visits, get togethers with friends - if it's something that any normal mom would do for her kid - I did it - no questions asked.
Around the time SD turned 18, she started acting more and more strange. She started lying more, stealing money amongst other things and started becoming very combative with everyone. She was seeming angry all the time and no one ever knew what was wrong and she wouldn't ever let us know no matter how many times we tried talking with her. When we would watch the world news on TV while eating dinner as a family and they showed insurgents in the Middle East firing shots at our troops, she would sit there watching the TV laughing. When DH and I asked her what on earth she was laughing about and reiterated that these were our troops getting killed out there, she just sat there, silent. My husband and I noticed that she started segregating herself from the rest of the family as much as possible which was strange because she was very close to DH and she always had to have his undivided attention at all times.
During a conversation with DH, SD19 (18 at the time) confided in DH that she felt that our BD (8 at the time) treated her so terribly that she was afraid that she was going to hurt BD and "not be able to stop." DH told her that if she felt this way, that maybe she should talk to a counselor again. DH kept that conversation between the two of them at the time hoping that she would take his advice and seek help.
Unfortunately, things continued to deteriorate as she was having problems at school (P/T junior college) and at work as well (P/T cashier at a local grocery store). According to SD, her manager at work had had a conversation with her about her attitude towards others and told SD that while she didn't know what was bothering her, that SD needed to figure it out and get it under control. As things deteriorated further, I had a conversation with SD to try to figure out what was going on and she yelled at me saying that the house was "a mess in more ways than one", that DH and I "were constantly at each others' throats" (which NOBODY in the house knew what on God's green earth she was talking about because DH and I have NEVER been that way and SD was barely ever home anyway). SD said that she was trying to save up all of her money to get her own place instead of saving up for a car because she couldn't stand living at our house, but was crying because she felt that she couldn't control her spending. Then SD went on to make the comment to me about thinking that she may hurt BD and not be able to stop to herself. SD was making accusations against my DH, BD and myself that weren't true of us, but were actions that others on her mother's side of the family had taken (transference???) It was overall a very scary conversation and I got the idea that I was speaking with someone who was (like many in her mother's family) extremely unstable. I talked to DH about it and he still didn't tell me about SD telling him the same thing 2 weeks prior. DH and I decided there that we would make sure that SD and BD would never be left alone together.
Approximately a month later, things came to a head. SD was once again disrespecting our home and everyone in it. DH said that he had had enough of giving her chance after chance after chance for her to respect our family and our home and that he wanted her out. I told her that her father and I had talked and that based on her continual poor behavior that she was going to have to start looking for her own place to live. SD left and when she came back to the house 45 minutes later, she stormed past me and loudly proclaimed "I'm moving out!" I told her that no one ever said that she had to leave right away or anything like that and she said "I know". I asked her if she at least had someplace safe to stay and she said "yup." Then when she walked out she said she'd be back for the rest of her stuff the next day.
Well, after she left, she completely trashed DH and me to anyone and everyone she could think of. My MIL and everyone in my husband's family as well as family friends and neighbors have treated me like crap, told my DH that he should divorce me and overall absolutely hate me. SD19 has been caught in lie after lie about the events that took place, yet everyone still thinks I'm evil.
After leaving, SD failed one of her classes and decided to drop out of college saying that DH and I forced her to go to college and that she never wanted to go in the first place - that she had always wanted to join the Army instead, but that we'd never let her. SD signs up for the Army, MIL buys SD19 a car (SD insisted on an identical car to mine - creepy) and then throws her a huge going away party (mind you, MIL knows about the comments that SD19 made about hurting BD9 before she did all of this). SD lists MIL as her emergency contact and goes off to basic training. By this point, DH basically has not talked to SD since things had come to a head and she walked out 6 months prior.
SD sends a letter from basic to DH basically starting off as an apology and then quickly becomes anything but. She blames DH, me and BD9 for all of her problems, accuses BD9 and DH of things that were true of her grandparents, mother and half sister on her mom's side, but not true of us, etc. DH ignores her letter altogether.
Now, not quite 3 months after she sends the letter, last night at almost 11:00, she tries to call my cell phone, then calls my husbands cell phone twice after I didn't answer. The number that she called from was a number that we didn't recognize and SD didn't leave a message. DH called the number back this morning and SD19's CO from the Army answered. The CO told DH that SD19's "mother" had called the Red Cross saying that her grandmother was on life support and was being taken off. (SD19's BM would NEVER contact her under ANY circumstances - in BM's mind, SD19 never even existed). DH advised the CO that SD19's grandmother on her mother's side passed away a few years ago and that he doesn't know who it may be - that it may possibly be a great-grandmother on her mother's side or as his family is not on speaking terms with him, possibly even his mother since she has been in poor health for years. The CO told DH that SD19 was on exercises at the moment and that he could have SD call DH as soon as she got done and DH told him no thanks. CO told DH that it really wouldn't be any trouble and DH told him thank you, but that he'd rather not hear from SD.
After all of this, while I do feel badly for whichever family is enduring the loss of whoever is on life support, I really don't want anything to do with my SD. I wish her success in life, but I don't want her anywhere around me or my family and I don't want anything to do with her. I have decided that if anything were to happen to anyone in our immediate family that I refuse to contact her or anyone in my husband's family at all - even if it had to do with DH. I think it's bad enough that SD19 is planning on being back in town on leave for two weeks the day after BD turns 10 and 3 days before my birthday. I "know" that her being the person that she is, that she's going to plan on causing a scene for either my daughter's birthday or mine and I have a feeling that she'll do whatever is in her power to want to ruin any happiness we have. I just have to ask - am I a terrible person for not wanting anything to do with SD19 under any circumstances even though I raised her as my own for 6 years???