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After Serious Thought on Matters as they are I Called H and Cancelled Lunch Monday

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Told him that I just could not meet him if he was still under any delusion that things could ever change between his Twit and me.

That, as he kept bringing her up and expects me to believe that SHE really wants things to be good between us, we are miles apart in any reconcilliation and that I saw no point in continuing, at this point, by having lunch with him.

I wished him a Happy New Year and told him I still loved him, but I couldn't continue playing the Twit game any more.  I didd say that I would arrange for him to meet with me & the counselor at my next appointment next week, gave him the time and told him not to be late.

That it is up to him now if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, peacefully and quietly, or continue his current drama with his Twit because she is never, ever going to change.  I actually told him that I believe the only reason she said what she did is that she doesn't want to have to be the one taking care of him in his old age.  That I always thought he and I would take care of each other as long as we could, independently and with outside help.  We talked about that when we moved down here.  H is older so, since women live longer, I know that after he is gone and I am feable, DD will be there to take care of me and she will do it because she wants to, not because she has to.  Thre is a big difference in just those two words.

Going to be a long New Years Eve but hopefully a bright shiny 2019.

Oh, I told him if he got his act together and really wanted to become a couple again to give me a call BUT Twit will have to be gone for good.  He should think long and hard about it.

I am exhausted.  THAT was very hard to do.  But I am finished with Twit games and drama.  I cried and sobbed, but have faced that the end of this, one way or the other, is coming to a head.

somethingwicked's picture

That took a lot of courage and love,SDM.

Healthy love for yourself to protect YOU  and ,too, for your DH.

You do love him and because of that you are showing him that you still want him even AFTER he  was  Twit's biggest booster and enabler and giving her  access to you through the"back door".

The "back door' was your own supposedly supportive husband who witnessed the destructive effect his crazy sociopathic narc daughter had and continued to wrought upon his wife.

EVEN after you both decided to move far away and put actual physical distance between Twit Monster and yourself, DH was constantly  scratching your wounds open ; the wounds Twit perptrated upon your psyche and caused  such injury to your overall health.

 

What you offered DH  is extremely generous and prudent and loving as you are acting  out of love.

If he STILL does not understand  that you never  wnat to even hear Twit's name then there is something  organically wrong with DH's mind that he fails to grasp  or denies  the past. I hope he will accept your offer to join you at the counselor.

Happy New Year, hon.

Hey ,you got Poldark's Aiden Turner in the can there. He ' ll keep you company.

Wink

Hugs to you.

 

 

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Did you leave a message or have a conversation? If it were the latter, what did he say?

shamds's picture

because of her toxicity but please remember that her dad has every right to maintain a relationship with her no matter how toxic and hell she is but this should be private and not involving you.

i watched alot of dr phil shows and he said no matter how much grief they cause, no spouse has the right to tell his/her partner/spouse to end a relationship with their child. She has no right and its very selfish to day choose me or the kids!!

what you should want is that twit is not in your home, not in your presence and that must be 100% respected.

if you do decide to get back together, your husband must strictly respect your decision as bringing her up or her presence causes issue in your relationship and marriage but try have an agreement where say if hubby wants to see his daughter in private outside, that he tells you he is going out on said and said day or will ask if there is anything you wanna do this day because he’d like to spend it with twit for lunch or something. 

I have removed myself from sk for past 2 visits, any visits for family weddings of hubbys niece and nephews they so called wanna come along, there are strict instructions with hubby that they need to find their own way, they are capable of driving themselves and if they want a ride, they can make their way to train station near our house. Not we drive 1.5 hrs on highway, another 15 mins to their home, another 10mins wait time for them to close up their house despite hubby warning them hours in advance when we’d be there and even 15mins before we’d be there. Nope no more of this shit that inconveniences us and our 2 toddlers who get extremely car sick but i do not want them missing out on their cousins weddings.

this way hubby still has that right to meet his kids in private or whereever but you aren’t exposed to the toxicity

sandye21's picture

SDM, I only wish I could be with you to share share your tears and tell you what a fantastic, brave person you are.  It took a lot to tell DH, "No more mention of Twit.  Period."   I agree with you that it is better to be in the counselors office when any discussions regarding Twit are brought up.

Those of us who have been with you on your 'Twit' journey know you wouldn't stop him from visiting Twit, it's that you want him to leave her and all that goes with her at her place when he comes home, where should feel safe and calm together.  All you were asking was that he stop bringing her up in conversation, and leave you out of her sphere of influence.  All you are asking is that he make the marriage top priority when he is with you, that he respect the pain and suffering you have gone through with Twit enough that he wants to buffer you from any more of it.  You have given him more chances than most of us would have with our DH's.  I agree with Somethingwicked:  What you offered him is generous, prudent and loving."  Stay strong.  We are here for you.  (((HUGS)))

Harry's picture

If she does, You really dont need this toxic relationship.  It will do you no good in the long run.  Unfortunately you are put in a position that this is what you must do, for you and your marriage.  If DH chooses Twit, hope he happy with her. ( he will not be unless he likes being a ATM and Twits boy ). You know , here boy, here boy,   Only time will tell.  Good luck and Happy Happy new year and life

bedazzled's picture

To want twit out of your life 100%. You reach a saturation point. Only you and DH can deceide what is best for you. Here is hoping that we both get these Toxic abuser SD out of our minds and lives. I feel your pain.   Many hugs to you!!!!

disrestep's picture

I cannot imagine how exhausting this all is for you. Stay strong and I am sure you will have a better New Year. And...good for you for standing your ground and doing what is best for you.

Your DH needs to STOP immediately making this about Twit and about you and him and your marriage. He needs to stop talking about her. 

Hang in there. It can only get better from here.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I haven't commented but read through your posts. What you want from your H is simple: for him to exclude Twit from your marriage.

Him telling you that she doesn't want you two to divorce isn't excluding her. That is giving her permission to have a say. That is telling you that he values Twit's opinion on whether the marriage should last more than yours, or his, for that matter.

All he has to do is say "no more Twit" and then stick to it. If she were dying, I'm sure you would provide him comfort. But for her day-to-day non-issues? He can journal it or find some other enmeshed fathet to spill his angst out to. You are his partner, not a hard drive to download his emotions about his failed daughter onto.

So good for you. You are being reasonable. You have set up boundaries that she stomped all over, then set up more that he stomped all over. If he can't reapect them, then the only boundary left is a permanent one. 

I'm sure you would have loved, at one time, for everyone to have gotten along. It would have been ideal. But the toxic and abusive actions of some parties have made that a fantasy. Your H needs to realize that he is being offered his cake and the ability to eat it, just not in the same location.

I think an analogy sums this up well: His inability to walk his adored anchovy cake (his relationship with Twit) to the front porch to eat and dispose of its remains versus staying in the kitchen where it fouls up your home and nose is a sign of not only his laziness but his lack of care for your comfort. You are willing to buy the ingredients for the cake (allow him, presumably, to use a shared cell phone plan to call her, a shared vehicle to visit her, etc). You are willing to bake the cake (make sure he has time available to visit Twit). You are willing to have the cake exist in whole without questioning your H's tastes (you never ask about the relationship or what is going on, and you don't forbid his contact with her). Each of these things still brings a tinge of foulness to your kitchen because anchovies cannot hide their scent, but with an open window and a quick clean to rid the ingredients (therapy and not letting Twit into your home or life), it's over before it has had a chance to settle.

All you ask, after all of this, is that H take the rotten he'll-cake outside to ingest. You know he burps rancid fish burps when he ingests it (you hear his frustration when he talks on the phone). You know it smells worse when he cuts open the cake (any interaction with his daughter leaves him drained). It's just not pleasant, but it brings him some painfully-ingested joy so you've found the compromise that works where he can have his cake and eat it, too (relationship totally outside of you and your home with Twit).

But he doesn't like it on thr front porch alone, so he tries to drag you out there with him. When that doesn't work, he tries to save a small piece to bring inside for you to try. You've tried the cake before and it's dreadful, but he hopes you'll like it this time; you still don't, and it smells foul. He tries sneaking into the house and eating it while your gone, but the smell and crumbs make it obvious that he has been eating it inside. He even has the audacity to tell you that a neighbor stopped by, smelled and tasted the cake, and while they weren't the biggest fans of it, they gave him permission to eat the cake indoors (this is Twit getting any perceived say or blessing on your union).

All in all, OP, you have been working to find ways for your H to have his anchovy cake, and even supporting the disgusting ingestion habit. He, however, at every turn, has tried to find some way to bring the cake back inside and make you tolerate it for his own comfort. Nevermind that you buy the ingredients, bake the cake, clean up the mess, and decorate the front porch for his comfort, providing a nice chair, blanket, roasting fire, and a cup of hot coffee. No, because he can't have it EXACTLY like he wants, he's going to weasel himself back inside because, and here's the kicker:

He doesn't like suffering the consequences of eating anchovy cake alone. He wants someone else to feel the indigestion. He wants someone else to burp with him. He wants someone else to smell the rancid thing. Sure, the taste is good, and it's a nostalgic treat from his youth, but the cake doesn't sit well with him anymore. And he doesn't want to give up the pleasurable taste. If he can get someone else to suffer with him, then it justifies his silliness to continue eating something that causes him nothing but discomfort. 

So, OP, in my approximation, your H cares more about the pleasure he gets from having a relationship with his Twit than the displeasure it brings to himself. However, he doesn't want to be miserable alone, and miserable people drag others down in their misery. Until he can accept that his pleasure will also have to come with pain, and that pain will have to be felt by his lonesome, he'll keep trying to get you to eat his cake with him. Misery loves company.

*hugs*

Rags's picture

((((SDM....))))

Happy New Year. 

Take care of  you.

I am sorry for the continued heart break and drama.  DH needs to learn that the TWITAVERSE has no place in your life. PERIOD!

I hope he can come to this conclusion in time to salvage his life with you.