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After 17 years I am sooo done

clark6292's picture

When I married my DH 17 years ago he had two children (one daughter, age 5 and one son age 2.) Bio mom had a pill popping addiction and rarely showed up for limited visits, so I assumed the parenting role. My spouse was active duty military so he would leave for deployments and during those times, I was solely responsible. My DH and I had 2 sons and we became a modern blended family. The bio mom of my SS SD came back into the picture demanding custody because (although not sober) wanted child support and voiced concern that dad was deployed. The courts gave her custody, and after that we only saw SS and SD summers and winter breaks. It was difficult to see them each time because they were neglected, from their head to their toes and would arrive to us filthy. How any sane mother would put kids on a plane like that is beyond me to this day- but then drugs were always part of the picture. By the time my SS was 15, mom dropped him off at our doorstep with all of his things stating he became a smartmouth and she couldn't deal with it. We continued to pay child support, because we knew if we stopped (legally or otherwise) she would take SS back and we felt he was better off living with us. I signed him up for cooking classes (he liked to bake!) and set up his new room, new clothes, dental care etc... Soon, he began acting out, disappearing for hours, and one day his mom sent him a small box in the mail. I withheld the box until my DH came home from work. My DH opened it and inside was pills= oxycontin and provigil. We contacted the police and they questioned SS and of course he stuck up for bio mom and played dumb. The police opened up a CPS case, sent a social worker to bio moms house who determined that Bio mom was a danger to herself let alone a child and instructed us to go to court immediately for ex parte hearing for full custody. They didn't charge mom with sending the drugs to a minor over state lines no less, due to "lack of evidence." We did court and obtained full custody, but SS was furious and blamed me. I set up addiction counseling for him and we attended both as a family and individual counseling for SS. He told my DH that he would run away if he had to stay with me. He attempted to run away, but with help of police I was able to cut his plans short. BioMom then started calling CPS repeatedly telling lies of physical and emotional abuse so were constantly being interviewed (so were our two bio sons at their school! Yes, CPS will pull them right out of class without your permission.) My husband one day moved out to an apartment up the road to give one on one to my SS. I was more than angry, I actually filed for divorce. Then SS went for his one week summer visit to moms house (which the dumb courts permitted) and SS was found face down on his mothers bedroom floor unresponsive- overdose. My husband was a wreck, and was losing his mind so I dropped the divorce, alowed him to move back in and tried to bear the pain we all felt. Really tough. At my SS funeral his Biomom approached my DH and he yelled murderer at her. She then called the police with a fake report of assault- so he was arrested right there at the funeral. I bailed him out, helped him any way and every way I could find. SD then tried to extort a new car from my DH stating she would corroborate biomoms story if we didn't give her new car. I told my DH that we would not give a new car, but we would report to police and provide the evidence of the text messages (extortion scheme.) So DH was not convicted, but again no charges filed for SD or Bio Mom. I told my DH I would take him back but that he was not to have contact with the drug addicts again. For the past three years we have been living a good life, healing, grieving, finding peace in little things we do as a family to honor SS. Then today I looked through his phone-I heard a message come in. I never do this, so it is weird how everything hit the fan today. I found text messages from last month that SD claimed to be suicidal from withdrawals and baited my DH to send her hundreds of dollars- which he did and never mentioned. Doing more research (on social media) I see she was out partying with biomom the very next day after receiving the money from DH. Obvious to me he was duped, betrayed my trust, and when I confronted him with that saying "we cannot let this come between us, our agreement was no contact because they are criminals and drug addicts" he became verbally abusive at me. God forbid someone speak the truth and I have been through so much over the years but I feel at the end of my rope now. This is NEVER going away. I do NOT want to drag this with me into my old age. I deserve better than this...WE deserve better than this. I'm tired of my DH taking the drug addicts problems out on me. HELP!!

clark6292's picture

Thanks for good advice. It has been awhile since I focused on whats best for me. Every time I think life is improving and we have "survived" it, the drama and chaos creeps back in. I have to say, it is traumatizing. One would think it wouldn't hurt as much, with the repeated blows, more of the same...BUT it really hurts because I have to say goodbye to my dream and I really did love DH for many years and gave it everything I had. I feel used, and I don't want to drag this mess into my retirement years. DH will not change, and will hide things and continue to lie to me. That isn't a marriage in my book.

Acratopotes's picture

what a mess.....

Give DH the last option, either he stops this or you are over, HOn you should've proceeded with the divorce IMO, but you did not, you are right you and your children deserves more, I think it's time to face reality that this will never stop and simply start new....

Divorce and get it over, DH will always put SD first, she should be 23 now? why is he still sending her money?
She's an adult and she can work, DH should cut all ties with her and her mother, but he puts them ahead of you and your children, nope I would be out sorry but I will not live like this

clark6292's picture

Good math, yes SD is 23...not working not going to school. I am leaning divorce- it just hurts because all I have invested over the years. for nothing.

ChiefGrownup's picture

You could always invest more time in it...at which point you will be saying, "I've invested 20 years, 30 years, 40 years--now I have no time left."

Cutting your losses now seems like the better deal.

I also want to point out that for every family the balance of power shifts as a function of time alone. The parents are on the wane and the children are in their prime. Do you really want to be a 70/80 something person with this addict in her 40s? How would ever feel safe?

Acratopotes's picture

clark6292 - think about your invested time as educational money paid, you have your doctoral in how to see bullshit from a distance.....

then use this education to be happy on your own, and maybe meet some one who appreciated you and not your wallet..

if you are leaning towards divorce, stop leaning and thinking and just go over to action, the sooner the better and good luck Hon, keep posting here we will give you strength

Rags's picture

You don't need help. You need to re-activate the exit that you pulled the plug on when SS won his Darwin award and eliminated himself from the gene pool.

Yes, it is sad. But... it was his decision and you and your own BKs should not bear the burden of DH's poor choice in his original breeding partner.

Nail him for tons of CS, rekey the locks, take everything, and move on. Get yourself and your children as far away from this ever unfolding train wreck as is possible. In this situation your duty to your own children trumps anything regarding your DH.

All IMHO of course.

Take care of you and your own children. Your DH obviously is not an equity life partner in that effort though they are his children too.

Good luck.

Gimlet's picture

Yeah, that was a gut punch to read this morning. The kid didn't OD because he was unfit or stupid, he was unlucky enough to be born to an addict and he made some bad choices. Addicts upset me as much as the next person, but until we stop treating addiction (and mental illness, since they are so often co-morbid) like it's some sort of personal shortcoming, we're not advancing the conversation about how to handle it. Addiction makes people into really shitty versions of themselves.

OP, I am going to be brutally honest with you. The SD is an addict and she is your husband's daughter. If he is unable or unwilling to go No Contact with her, and she does not get better, expect that your life will be disrupted and worse. It's a very hard thing for a parent to do, and my own parents were not successful. It's ending badly for them.

It will get worse. It always gets worse. You and your children will have to face some of the fallout from her choices and the choices of her mother.

I would leave, honestly, because you owe your children a life free of the kind of sadness, chaos, and despair that the addicts will inevitably bring into your lives. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

clark6292's picture

I get your comments and don't take offense. Myself and BK have been through so much for so long. We have had about 3 years of peace in the last 17. Aside from that the drama, chaos and addiction issues creep right back in traumatizing us repeatedly. I thought with SS passing, there would be less interference. I grew tired of having other people in my marriage influencing my DH and put my foot down when we separated and then reconciled. I now need to follow through. I am unable to turn a blind eye to DH involvement and betrayal of my trust. I don't ask more of him than I give to our marriage. In the end, not an equitable relationship. I feel used, and I'm sad.

Rags's picture

In the industry I work in people die when they make poor decisions. Applying accountability to the deceased who made the poor decision is my coping strategy. Few things are more gut wrenching than having to call a spouse, or parent to inform them that their spouse or child is dead and then having to answer the questions about what happened.

It invariably comes down to a choice to consciously violate safety practies about working at hights, confined space, etc..... by very experienced people.

"Your (fill in the blank) failed to secure their safety line when they scaled a scaffold." or "Your (fill in the blank) violated a confined space permit requirement and entered a process reactor without an airpak and first confirming that it was open, purged, tagged as safe for entry".

Even more gutwrenching than a call to family to inform them of the demise of their loved one is having to sit in a hospital room with the family while an employee/friend suffocates over the course of several days from an gas exposure that was due to a conscious violation of gas handling protocols or suffocates from a violation of gas/confined space safe practice.

My appologies for my insensitivity.

robin333's picture

First, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, what do you want to do?

In my perspective, you must protect your kids first. Absolutely no contact with their half sister.
I would separate finances today. No way would I unwilling contribute to SD'sor BM's drug addiction.

I understand your DH worried about SD when she sent those texts. Has he realized he fell for the total emotional manipulation intended? To me, lying by omission is still lying. Only you know if you can move past that and trust him again.

Another thing to consider is that addiction is a life long problem.

I

clark6292's picture

I agree, lying by omission is lying. I guess I have a need to have an open and honest relationship with DH where we share everything with each other. He does not and feels what I don't know about is best for him. Sneaky. This makes me not trust him. I do feel betrayed and I also am concerned about DH taking things out on me (which I don't deserve and not healthy for BK to see either.) Last, this sets precedence for what I can expect in the years to come. I don't want it. I am leaning divorce.

clark6292's picture

Agree, very unhealthy cycle and the key word here is cycle. This is what I can expect in the coming years- more interference with my marriage and family, more lies and deceit and cover-ups. Since there has been less interference after SS passed away, and we stopped contact with adult SD I guess I was too optimistic thinking we survived it. We did survive a lot- but I am not willing to keep going through the cycle. Wash, rinse, spin, repeat. I think DH pushed his luck this time crossing way over the line in the sand. I am angry, but more than that I am realizing that this is what my marriage/family will continue to endure. It is never going away unless I bow out.

Gimlet's picture

There is also the possibility that SD will eventually have children, which will likely draw him back in and possibly extend the cycle to a whole new generation.

That's status quo for an addicted family and enablers - lies, lies, and more lies.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

My advice is to separate from him until he figures out what he wants in his life; chaos or peace. The choice is his. Oh, and he needs a really really good therapist because he's part of the problem and needs to figure out how he's played a roll in the drama.

Meanwhile, you find what makes you happy and completely step away from anything relating to his first family. It's his cross to bare.

sandye21's picture

There are some drug addicts who kick the habit and go on to live good lives but I can tell you from personal experience that in most cases they do not change. They will draw you into their horrible drama with one sole intent: to get what THEY want. You are merely used as a tool to obtain it. When you refuse to be sucked into the cycle you will be the enemy. Then they will move on to someone else and the cycle will continue.

Your DH has a decision to make: He can go on, being emotionally blackmailed by SD into giving her whatever she needs to continue her habit or he can allow her to be accountable for her own healing. He also has to determine his main priority in life, and right now it doesn't appear to be you and your kids. It is not your responsibility to serve as DH's punching bag when he gets stressed out over matters you have nothing to do with or have no control over.

If you do not want to file for divorce you really should file for a legal separation at the very least, and get your kids out of a traumatic, drug soaked environment. Then go on, determined to live the best life for you and your children - with or without DH.

ybarra357's picture

Totally agree sandye21.

My brother is one of these types. Been in and out of prison for 25 years. Gets released, finds religion, re offends then back in prison. Finds religion released re offends back to prison, cycle after cycle again and again. He is currently out and proclaiming religion again. The religion thing to me is just part of the cycle he has himself on. My mom is always all starry eyed saying that he's done with drugs this time. Yeah right - she has been a HUGE enabler for years. I don't have anything to do with him anymore, as I refuse to be sucked into that cycle. I feel bad for his kids - he has been gone a good chunk of their life, but seeing him now, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

uofarkchick's picture

So she asks him for money so she can buy drugs (to keep her from committing suicide) and he gives it to her? Did he learn nothing from the death of his son? He's literally loving her to death. I would go ahead with the divorce.

clark6292's picture

SD claimed she needed the money for a flight to leave drug addicted BM who is supplying SD with drugs, so SD could stay away from drugs and get clean. DH gave her the money and then SD went and partied with BM with the money. I am leaning toward divorce, and it hurts to know everything I have gone through to fight for my marriage and family was all for nothing.

hereiam's picture

If he wanted to help, he should have paid for the flight, not given her cash. That was really stupid. Of course, now he knows that she really didn't want help in the first place.

He needs to attend some al-anon or narc-anon meetings and learn how to deal with this and how NOT to give in to her manipulations or guilt trips.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've received a lot of good advice, OP.

I just want to add that it's past time you focused on your bio kids and giving them a safe, sane, and peaceful home. You have been so caught up in the cycle of dysfunction and trying to save other people's children that I have to wonder how these younger kids are doing emotionally. When you're a fixer, it's possible to lose the good kids while you're distracted trying to save the bad ones.

You and your bios have been living with chaos for a long, long time. I hope you'll find the strength to change that, so they don't assume that's what normal feels like and keep seeking chaotic relationships their whole lives.

If you truly feel you're ready to get healthy, separate from your H, apologize to your bios for the lost years, and focus on being the best mother you can be before they age out.

Twinkletoes's picture

What a horrible situation to be. I feel so bad for you. Its a pure nightmare. You got some really good advice here but it is not easy to walk away from years of marriage. What your dh did was so stupid. He already lost one child. Why would he enable the other? Makes no sense. Aside from lying to you-the bigger deal to me would be she could of also overdosed. Why would he enable that? I think he needs help and asap. He has a problem with knowing how to deal with this. Maybe someone can help him realize all the wrongdoing. The fact that you have children with him is more the reason he needs to learn how to deal with this. I don't thin hes thinking clearly. Hes suffered a terrible loss and he needs help. Whether or not you stay with him ne still needs to get help.

joan mary's picture

So sorry for the loss of your SS and the impending divorce.

This is really not a blended family problem - this is an addiction and codependent problem. I would RUN, not walk, I would not pass GO - to a local alanon meeting. I would get to a whole lot of ala-non meetings. Aim for several a week if possible. Start yesterday.

Dealing with adicts is always difficult and having normal expectations is never going to work. In alanon you will meet people who are also living with adicts in their families. Kids, spouses, ex spouses, parents, you name it. The only requirement is that you know someone who is an adict and that person is affecting your life.

Alanon helps you to protect yourself and your children while dealing with the pain of addiction. There is no 'right' answer and even if you end the marriage and move away, you will always have some contact with your ex and your kids will have contact with him and his addicted daughted. Co-dependents are addicts too in their own right. The addict is their 'drug of choice'. No high but a whole lot of pain.

Alanon teaches you how to not pick up the chaos that the addict likes to hand off to anyone in their life. Then the problem belongs to the one who is holding it. Alanon gives you the peace to be able to say "no, that will not work for me". Alanon helps to restore your sanity so that you can take care of your own self and your children. Once you are emotionally grounded and you will be better able to make a decisions that is best for you and for your kids.

As for change - I know a whole lot of people in recovery and I know that it happens. It takes work, ownership of problems, and faith. Not every addict or codependent gets there but many do if they are motivated. Just remember, it is not your job to motivate them.

Good Luck and keep us posted.