While working full-time and working on my master’s degree, I had too much homework and couldn’t make it to my fiance’s parents’ house for dinner one weekday evening because I had to be at work at 7am and had several assignments due that evening before I went to bed. Having dinner at his parent’s house wasn’t realistic and if I did it would mean that I wouldn’t have time to do my homework and get it turned in that night. When I told him this, instead of being understanding and saying ok or even supportive and bringing me a plate afterwards knowing I would be up very late working on homework, he told me to fuck off, fuck you, get the fuck out!, and threw the phone across the kitchen right in front of me so it broke in tiny pieces. As he was screaming at the top of his lungs at me how I was being disrespectful to his parents by not attending dinner implying I was hurting his 80 year old parents, I was shaking and trembling inside and crying as I was trying to calm him down and help him understand that I had too much homework and had to be up early for work at 7am. He didn’t care and told me he didn’t give a fuck what I had to say. All he did was scream at me and make me feel horrible. He used the f-word on me over and over. The more I tried to calm him down the more he screamed and acted mean towards me. All I wanted was for him to understand and have peace. I had to exert so much energy into calming him down and making peace when all I wanted was to go home after a long day at work, take a hot bath and do my homework before going to bed. Instead, I had to cry and defend myself. He called me a bitch and all kinds of horrible names telling me how I was purposely trying to hurt his 80 year old parents. I realized over the duration of the next 17 years with him, that this is his bad/mean side that surfaces on an almost regular basis. I was stupid for staying with him, but I did because we got a puppy together whom I love as much as I love myself. This dog is my whole world. So, instead of going to my place and doing my homework, I went to his parent’s house instead with red swollen, squinting eyes from crying. He didn’t say anything to me but put on his “golden boy” narcistic act in front of his parents. During dinner, while his mom was trying to talk to me, I was fighting to hold my tears back and even excused myself a few times to go to the bathroom and let it out in there and wiped the tears. He acted cold as ice towards me during dinner but added just enough niceness to put on a golden boy act in front of his parents. For example, telling me, “do you want some butter with your bread baby?” I was so shook up from him screaming at me and telling me to fuck off and throwing things, all I wanted to do was crawl in a ball and cry. I kept thinking about my homework. I was taking graduate classes which were very difficult requiring me to spend a lot of time on the homework. I knew my entire evening and next day at work as going to be horrible not to mention the fear and worry of not getting my homework finished. I knew I wasn’t going to get any sleep and afraid I wasn’t going to make it to work on time. I was even more afraid and worried of how he was going to continue to treat me because I knew he was going to give me a silent treatment for a few days minimum which made me so sad and cry every-time. I had meetings to attend at work and his silent treatments destroyed me inside. I hate that I wasted my better years on him. I tried to see the good side of him but realize that he’s two people wrapped up in one. He’s nice to me which draws me in and then he turns into the cold mean man that breaks me emotionally.

During dinner he talked all about himself as he usually does going on and on about his stories and himself. His parents were and are so blind to who he really is. He will say that I deserve it though. When I tell him that he never treats his parents like that, he says that his parents don’t do anything to deserve that. After dinner, he put on coffee and proceeded to go on and on in the living room with his parents about old stories and talk all about himself as I sat there still trembling inside from earlier and the fear of what’s to come. Not once did he show any concern about my time and me getting home at a decent time to do my homework. He never mentioned it and his parents had no idea. It’s all about him every time. He is a narcissist who loves to go on and on and on about himself. He doesn’t have room to hear anyone else’s feelings and if he does it’s for a fake benefit of his own. He lacks real empathy towards other people. Whenever I talk about my stresses in life or worries, he says “you poor victim” and always calls me a victim yet he can go on and on about his problems all day every day. If I even mention what’s going on in my life or my preferences or wants or feelings, there’s hell to pay because he turns on me. So, finally between 10:30pm and 11pm, after going on and on about himself and laughing with his parents, he said well we better be going. He still never mentioned my schedule or priorities. On the way home, he didn’t say a word to me. He didn’t speak to me for 3 days. By the time I got home it was after 11pm at which point I started my homework with a real difficult time focusing. I didn’t finish my homework till 5:30am and had to be up at 5:45am. I slept for 10 minutes and drove 45 minutes to work. I was shaky, lightheaded, my eyes were more swollen and I felt sick physically and emotionally. My eyes were so swollen, my cube mate at work asked me what was wrong with my eyes. I felt so ill physically and emotionally when I got to work, I had to call my boss and tell him I didn’t feel well and was going home. I used my vacation time for this and used my vacation time for every occasion that he treated me like this.

This wasn’t the first or last time. It’s been going on for years. He acts all nice to me and pulls me close but then suddenly turns on me in the coldest meanest way. After I left work that morning, I went home and cried myself to sleep. I kept waking up looking at my phone, but there was no text from him, which made me feel worse because he’s showed me over and over that my feelings are not important to him even though he says they are. About a week later, he acted all normal as if nothing ever happened. This is the cycle of our relationship. He loves me one day and acts like he hates my guts the very next. I don’t feel like I can fully trust him because every time I feel like I’m getting close and opening myself up, he turns on me and acts all cold and heartless.

To make matters completely worse, I met his now 36 year old daughter when she was 19 years old. She’s always been a rude stuck up snot to me. Whenever I’ve tried to make conversation with her she sticks her nose in the air and walks away ignoring me and my entire presence. When we were at a family gathering and the entire family was in the living room looking at photo albums, I sat on the end of the long couch next to her and tried to look at the photo album they were looking at and she instantly got up stamped her feet and marched into the other room. That’s how she’s treated me all these years as if I mean nothing and am not welcomed. I’ve spent many holidays at his parents in the bathroom crying because I have to deal with her rudeness towards me and hear the two of them giggle and him act all mesmerized by her.  

She’s been incredibly rude to me and every time I would go to him and tell him about it because it bothered and hurt me so much he turned on me into the mean cold person I described above. He would act like it’s my fault and as if I deserve her shitty treatment. He would then proceed with his usual coldness and long lonely silent treatments. While his daughter would treat me like shit and act this way towards me he totally kissed her ass calling her “babe” “baby” constantly rarely ever calling her by her name. To this day, he rarely calls her by her name. It’s always the same nicknames he calls me. She would get off on it and treat me like shit more so every time the three of us were together it’s like the two of them against me. It feels like I’m in a threesome where he’s married to her and I’m just his shameful mistress on the side.  

As the years went by, we could never discuss anything about the way she treats me. It wasn’t till after she moved to our state and moved back home because her failed plans of playing in LA crashed on her, other members in his family pointed out that she was also rude to them. It wasn’t until after other people in his family started to point out her rudeness that he mentioned to me that she used to treat him rudely too. So all those years I went to him crying that his daughter was rude to me, he stuck up for her and told me it’s probably me as if I deserved it when he knew the entire time that she was a little bitch. Once in a while he will mention that he thinks she has some of his ex-wife’s mental illness of borderline personality disorder and whatever other mental illness his ex was diagnosed after they became married. To this day, his daughter is 36 years old. She lives at home, has everything handed to her, takes more vacations then I’ve taken in my lifetime, and the two of them act like husband and wife. She will always be his wife and I don’t know what I am to him.

Prior to her moving back here, she was playing with her friends in another state living a fun life working in a coffee shop. Then she went to visit a friend in LA and loved how exciting LA was so when she came back she laid a guilt trip on him that she wanted to move to LA. Well, she didn’t have a job in LA so it wasn’t a good idea, but not in her case. She picked up and moved out of her state to her mother’s house in another state and called him daily telling him how awful it was living with her and in the shed in her backyard.  Poor baby. So eventually, he gave into her manipulation and helped her get an apartment in LA even though she had no job or any job lined up. Long story short, she spent 4 years or so in LA goofing off with her friend taking pictures and playing. Towards the end of her 4-year vacation in LA she was not making her car payments and was calling him to tell him how horrible it was that she had to uber all through LA. He was so worried I had to listen to him go on and on about it. I knew she was full of shit. I see right through her fakeness and manipulation, but he is infatuated by the sound of her voice. Sure enough she was full of shit because as she was telling him this and as they were threatening to take her car away, she was applying for a passport and booking her Mexico vacation. Before she moved back home, she took a nice long vacation in Mexico. After she moved back here, he gave her his truck and then when it had major issues she was later handed a vehicle that’s worth $15,000 to $20,000. She only had to pay $1,000 for it. She’s had and has everything handed to her and now she’s been living this club med life here for the past 4 years having everything laid out for her. She works a little $15-20/hour job, invests all her money and takes vacations. He continues to allow her to be a bitch to me and never stood up for me. He will continue to put her over me and never treat me as his priority. I feel so heartbroken and broken inside because of this threesome situation and the way he turns on me and becomes so hateful towards me. When she calls him, his voice gets real soft and he says, “Hey baby….” as if he’s talking to his lover. He leaves the room to talk in privacy. When I say who was that? He says, “my daughter.” He never refers to her by her name. It’s always “babe” “baby” or “my daughter” I just need some advice here. What does all of this sound like? I’ve been so stupid to put up with this for so long. By the way, I’ve been engaged to him for 11 years because he always makes excuses not to marry me. At this point, I don’t think I would want to marry someone who turns so mean towards me and who treats his adult daughter like his lover/wife.