Advice please as I can't decide who's right and who's wrong here!
I won't go into too much detail, but I've had a horrible time 'co-habiting' with my eldest SD through her school years and beyond. All the usual manipulative, two faced stuff which left me needing repeated counseling and psychotherapy to cope.
Year before last she returned to our home after a period of travelling. At the time, I begged my husband that she should go to her mothers as I couldn't take living with her again. Needless to say, I was ignored and she came. It quickly unraveled again. I was left begging my husband to let me rent somewhere else to live whilst she was there as she wouldn't do it herself. I also suggested we split, but he persuaded me to stay. At times, I was deeply depressed and suicidal. Eventually, things came to a head and it was suggested that she leave our home to live with her mother. Obviously, (and this I can understand) was met with anger resentment and hurt on her part as she just cannot understand the change in dynamics she causes.
On the up-side for her, she, as a result of moving, as met her current BF and has moved in with him. I met him last year, he's nice. But every time we got together, she was behaving strangely and out of character for her - like deliberately withdrawn. I tried to brush this aside, until Xmas last year when, despite me being completely friendly, helpful and accommodating, she set out to put on some kind of show for her BF to demonstrate that I leave her out and she's a victim. I didn't see what was going on at the time - just thought they were having a fight, until I heard what she'd alleged had happened to her BM (who is spiteful) and it all became clear that she was trying to show her BF that I was horrible to her. When he could see that I wasn't, she tried to engineer a situation.
Anyway, cut to now, I decided, no more - I have disengaged. I don't care what she's doing, how she is and I'm not in any hurry to see her. I explained my position clearly to my husband and said whilst I am not going to stop him seeing her, I want no part. If he wants her to visit our home, I want notice, and the right to go and stay away if I decide to do so. So far, nothing, however, I was concerned at the amount of secret Whatsapps coming through to his phone (he's very secretive with it). A few weeks ago, he was drunk and had put his phone in my handbag for the evening. After he fell asleep, I scrolled through the messages. Bad I know, but if I trusted him, I wouldn't have felt the urge. Well, I found various creeping requests for money, one being for a new TV. His message in return; I've transferred the money today. It's a gift from me and Wilderness. Well, I didn't know if given a gift, and certainly didn't receive a thank you! I then found a message from her BF to my DH asking for a 'loan' to buy her an engagement ring (this is a joke as they fight every month and she ha to go to her mums to give him some space! Funny that - looks like it's not just me who can't live with her then! I don't know what happened with this request, but have a sneaking suspicion he's done it and hidden it through our company, or by giving cash to an employee and getting him to do a bank transfer. I also saw a request for some money by his youngest daughter for a holiday. Bearing in mind she barely works, can't be bothered to work, but happily takes all the perks of holidays etc with us (she recently 'contributed' to a theoretical birthday present for me, but didn't actually have the money!!! She's never bought me a present I don't think? Not with her money anyway - always my DH giving her money to go and get something). Very upset, as is hoped I was a bit closer to her, but really not sure that she's not manipulating too. I'm pretty sure he gave her some money but is denying it. He ignored a call from her when we were in the car together which he never does. He said he couldn't be bothered to talk to her, yet called her back the second he was out of the car and alone! My youngest son asked for a similar loan (which he would pay back) but I said no because he hasn't done enough about getting more hours at work. I told DH this and he said I was right!!!!
I didn't mention what I found to my DH. We've been here before last year when I discovered by reading his phone that he'd agreed to older SD and BF using our house as a holiday home whilst we were away. He'd then had to retract it as he'd forgotten we had a live in dog minder there. She was angry so he'd paid for her and BF to go away for the weekend as an apology! And I knew nothing about any of it Til I read his phone!!!
I have also gleaned that she had wanted to stay at ours last weekend. Again, he hadn't mentioned it to me so I've been on tenter hooks all week waiting to see if or when he was going to tell me. Anyway, nothing happened, she didn't come, so I'm left wondering whether he paid for them to stay in a hotel instead as they were definitely down this way.
My next worry is that I also saw a message exchange between older SD and DH where she asked to use our house abroad for a holiday later this year. We've only just bought this and have spent time making it nice with some lovely furnishings etc. We aren't renting it out, and I'm happy for people to stay with us, including our kids, but only when we are there. I'm starting to make friends with people out there who don't know her and therefore can't judge me because of that. Again, he hasn't mentioned this to me but appears to have said yes to her! I am so upset, I feel like my home is being invaded. She will make a point of using everything out there and will be constantly messaging him to ask questions. I don't want her there, I don't want her introducing herself to people and turning on her fake charm. I'll be judged by it and will have to listen to everyone cooing about how lovely she is. I'm absolutely gutted I haven't been asked, and it once again makes me feel like I don't matter or this is somehow all my fault. It's affecting how I am with DH, but I can't explain why I'm so grouchy as i can't admit to looking at the phone (plus I don't want him deleting messages as I will need to check it again as it's the only way I see what they're all up to behind my back).
My question is (after a long ramble) given the fact we are now married, should he have to consult me before spending large amounts of money, especially when he denies he's done it but I can see he has? It's his company but I am a shareholder, have worked there and supported him. It's made worse by the fact that he persuaded me to give up my job to work with him so I am salaried there. I'm not needed as much due to other staff appointments and he works less than he used to too. We have joint accounts (although, he has one separate account but I can see the statement). He's generous as long as he's in control of the spending. He frequently berates me for overspending on our account, however, he often gets cash which he keeps hold of so I never quite know what we have. He controls what he uses this for and I suspect this is what's going to his daughters secretly. I feel I can't make the same gestures to my sons. If I do give them any money behind DH back, it's kind of in retaliation but is so small in comparison because I feel guilty doing it.
His girls have had so much spent on them recently before you even take into account what he's doing in secret. Should I expect complete openness on this or should he decide what he gives them on the basis it's his company? It's amazing how, if I buy anything for the girls, it's fine. If it's for me or my boys, it's not unless he says so. I need to have this out with him but he's quite firey and reactive so I want some thoughts of others behind me before I do? I just still feel like a spare part in this household. I hate feeling controlled like this but don't know where I stand.
Thanks everyone, and sorry that was longer than I meant it to be. Needed to unload!