Adult stepson not working
Hello all,
I joined this site a few weeks ago for support. I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. My DH has a son who just turned 21 last month. It's kind of a long story. I guess I'm here looking for support and advice. I'm wondering if anyone has been through the same thing. Please don't think I'm being a bitch or diva. I have tried to be patient and kind and I have been, but I'm just done at this point.
My stepson moved in with us 4 years ago when he was 17. He moved in with us as we moved closer to him due to him and his mother not getting along. That's when things got bad. From the second he moved in, my husband put him ahead of everything (including our marriage) and basically, his son and his son's girlfriend at the time ran our household. There were no rules. My husband allowed his son and girlfriend to go upstairs to his room, alone, shut the door, and "nap" under the covers. I was never allowed to have any input regarding rules in my own home and there was no compromise between what my husband wanted for his son as far as rules and what I wanted. It got to the point (and still is here) where I can't say anything or expect anything from his son. Eventually, my husband walked in on them diddling each other, then got pissed off at me when I said "I told you so." This "napping" behavior stopped. All the other bad stuff continued. Examples: NO curfew, in and out of the house all hours of the night. My stepson would come in at 1100 pm or midnight and cook a meal for him and his girlfriend, which was noisy and then would leave a mess in the kitchen (my husband would clean it but still, I feel this is disrespectful and inappropriate. Our home is not a hotel or restaurant). My stepson's girlfriend was at our house, every day, all the time. She would eat meals and snacks all day while she was there, so it was like I was supporting 3 people instead of 2. My husband and I were going to go look at wedding cakes before we got married, but my stepson and his girlfriend wanted to ride with us (weather had been bad but roads were fine) and so they could go look at prom dresses for his GF, so that's what we did. There are many other examples but I am hoping you all are getting an idea of what hell my life has been. My stepson also (and still does) would take a 45 minute shower, using all of the hot water, never checking if anyone else was in the shower or needing to shower. I mean really, he just ran our house (still does). His son enrolled in an online college after he graduated highschool, but flunked out two semesters in a row. He has been fired from multiple jobs and not rehireable at many.
Fast forward to now, 4 years later. This kid has been sporadically employed. My husband allows him to smoke pot - all the time, they do it together in fact. They act like a married couple at this point - and I'm the outsider. I can't come home and have my husband's undivided attention nor does he even ask about my day because when I get home at 6 pm, he and his son are cooking supper and talking, acting like a married couple. Then after supper they go get high for 45 minutes or so. They work out together every day, hang out llike a couple of frat boys. Neither one of them is employed. My husband and I never do anything just the two of us aside from watching TV after supper, at which time, we both fall asleep. AT this time, my stepson hasn't worked now in 16 months, keeps saying he'll get a job but it's always "oh well the manager never called me back" or some other excuse. This last job he applied for could have been his, but he didn't get the job because they require a urine drug test. He was supposed to go to college last fall but at the last minute, decides he doesn't want to (that's why he had the whole year off before, "so he can get ready for college" my husband said). My husband keeps telling me, "Oh, well I get did give him a stern talking to about that he needs to work." But nothing ever comes of it and when my husband does (rarely) get angry at my stepson, he always kisses his ass after he lectures him and goes back on what he said because he feels guilty "hurting my son's feelings." So these two get to live this Peter Pan lifestyle, courtesy of me. If I say ANYTHING at all to my husband about his son, he gets pissed. Example: my husband told me several weeks ago that his son is depressed because "he has no job, no money or friends, no girlfriend." So I cheerfully offered up "I think he would be much happier with a job and his own apartment," then my husband blows up and ignores me for days at a time ("you just want to kick him out"). And he tells his son to ignore me too. It's awful and I don't think this is normal. So just last night, my husband tells me that my stepson is going to go to an online program for marijuana growing/working in a dispensary "because he needs something to do before college this fall." When I asked if there were any local jobs using a marijuana certificate, my husband says, "well, not really but he needs something to do." If he's not going to use this certification (if he even gets through the program) and get a job, then why bother with this? Why isn't he getting a job instead?? My husband said my stepson is "going to go to college this fall" just like he said last year and his son backed out. At this point, I feel like these two are codependent and the main goal is to keep his son from working and/or moving out on his own. His son just looks for excuses not to work. Even IF this kid gets through any program, he won't be able to get a job after as he hasn't worked in forever and has no job experience. And also, he can't pass a drug test.
I am angry, resentful. I would certainly expect more from my own biological son (I don't have kids though), so it's not like I'm trying to pick on him. I feel like at this point, his son needs to be given a deadline to move out and if he's not working or ready to move by said date, then he needs to move back in with his mother. At this time, I have told my husband I can't pay for any expenses for his son, medical or school, because I have my own student loans to pay for. Don't get me wrong, I make good money and all, but I am sick to death of supporting his adult son with absolutely no end in sight. My husband didn't get mad when I told him that, but he seemed annoyed. I'm just so tired supporting this situation. I hate to sound selfish, but I feel like I get nothing out of this relationship.
I don't want to get divorced. Our marriage is good otherwise. The other issue is that maybe if his son went to stay at his mom's some of the time, it would help my frustration a little, but this kid won't leave our home for any reason. IF he goes to see his mom, it's only for a day or two. I feel like I have no marriage, just two roommates who don't pay for anything.
Any advice, support is appreciated. I'm glad I found this site!
Thank you!
Why isn't your husband
Why isn't your husband working? Why on earth does he expect you to support his adult son AND girlfriend?
Hell, not only does ss need a hardline drawn in the sand, your husband does too! The fact that he has the nerve to "punish" you for not letting his adult son do whatev is divorce worthy, imho.
Thank you
Thank you for your response. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not insane. My husband is a stay-at-home dad and he does cook, clean and do laundry (was that way once we moved in together). However, I feel that now his son is an adult, he could easily work at least part-time. My concern is (and I know this will happen) if he gets a job, he'll filter all of his money to his son and it wouldn't go to help out with groceries/utilities at all.
Agreed, the line needs to be drawn and I'm getting ready to draw it. I just had to know I wasn't being unreasonable. My husband acts like I am hard on his son and expecting too much, but I don't think what I expect is unreasonable. The girlfriend has been out of the picture finally for a few years but I worry when he meets another one, it'll be the same: in and out of the house, doing whatever they want, etc.
Lady, you hold all the cards
Lady, you hold all the cards and you're not playing them.
Does the house belong to you? Is it a rental? Either way, neither of them can support themselves right now without you so I suggest you sit them down and tell them how it's gonna be from now on. Don't let them sidetrack you or get mad. If they do either, just leave the room and let them find out by themselves.
Separate all finances with your husband. Leave him high and dry.
If you're in a rental, look around for a nice little one bedroom appartment for yourself and move out as soon as the lease is up (or as soon as you can get your name removed from the lease). Don't give any warning. Let your DH know he can move in with you as soon as he shapes up as a partner... if not, well, too bad for him.
If you are in your own home, have the kid served with an eviction notice.
As weed isn't legal but is tolerated within fairly strict parameters (posession of more than 10g can land you in jail for a year), aren't you tempted to make an anonymous call about a young man dealing out of your address? Even if he isn't dealing, it might be enough to scare the shit out of him.
Again, you have the power, USE IT!
Thank you
Thank you for responding. I agree with you. The house is a rental. Our finances are separate and always have been. My only concern is they are all on the lease, including me, so if I leave, I know they won't pay the rent and I'll go down with them. But, I think when the lease is up, I won't be resigning. I think I just need to tell him I think they would be better off on their own. It just makes me sad but.... I'm miserable. I can't keep doing this. I see me supporting his kid until the day I die and I didn't sign on for that.
I am definitely tempted to report him. I'm keeping that in my back pocket and may threaten that if needed. This whole situation is just depressing and it sucks. But I'm turning in to a different person because I am resentful and angry all the time. And you're right I do have all the power. :) My husband just makes me feel like I'm being hard on his son and expecting too much. I don't think I am.
Just two things to add:
Just two things to add:
Thank you! This is great
Thank you! This is great advice! It is appreciated!
Your husband is a SAHD? To
Your husband is a SAHD? To whom? An ADULT child?
Seems to me that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. You've been ignored, disrespected and taken advantage of. I'd leave this man and his adult failure to launch at the first opportunity.
Refreshing....
Your comment is absolutely refreshing and I feel liberated just reading it. This has been what I've been trying to tell my husband in so many words: your son is an adult, he should be out on his own. He needs to work and help me so that we can start to put money towards getting our own home instead of renting, etc. We can't move forward in our married life when we are stuck raising his manchild.
And yes, that is exactly how I feel! Ignored, disrespected and used by both of them.
Apple didn't fall too far from the tree? You're so very right.
After reading these responses, my confidence is up. I feel validated in how I feel now and that I need to move on. I don't see anything changing. Also, I would be willing to bet money that my husband would think differently about his adult son not working if HE was the one providing financial support!
Your husband and his son are
Your husband and his son are both losers. Kick both of them out and start anew. What made you hook up with someone with such poor qualities?
Agreed....
Agreed....
I have asked myself this same question multiple times. I guess because at first things were normal and then gradually things changed after his son moved in with us full time. Then I kept thinking I was just being "selfish" as I have frequently been accused of or I thought I was just being to hard on him as I have also been accused of. I should have left a long time ago, I see that now.
Hurry
Talk with the landlord. Get off the lease. Pay a penalty if you have to. But get out of this mess. You are being used. Let those two losers figure out life.
How the hell do you continue to live like this is beyond me.
Thank you for your response
Thank you for your response and I agree with your statements. And I have no idea how I've tolerated this for so long but I can tell you, I'm sick of it. I can't take it anymore. And I will be doing something about it. I have a feeling once I leave, I'll be wondering what took me so long.
Women
tend to not know our value...or we loose site of it. I know I did. While my marriage survived, it was only because I implemented some serious boundaries and expectations. Find your value again....you are so worth someone so much better. Sending you a virtual hug.
much appreciated
And I thank you so much
Everyone has already said
Everyone has already said what I going to say. Please take action. I understand that it sucks to be single over the age of 30/40. Believe me, I get it! However, being single again is leaps and bounds over being held hostage by these two losers.
True!
Indeed, I see that now. I think once I leave, I'll wonder why I didn't take off sooner. Putting a plan in place now. Thank you so much for your advice.
Just Wow!
Ok, so you are doing a great job - realizing this situation sucks and is NOT normal. Here is what I would advise you:
1. Get off that lease.
2. Consult a lawyer to see what your options are. Consider a post nup. Because youve allowed your husband to be a SAHD, you might owe him spousal support.
3. Get all paperwork and financials together.
4. Have a sit-down heart to heart about your feelings. Mention how his passive-agressive freezing you out is making you feel. Talk about a timeline for launch. Mention how "its for his own good! It will help him to be happier living an independent self-sufficient life". Give him a chance to explain why he doesnt want his kid to be succesful in life. Wait for all the excuses and listen patiently.
5. Take some time to really consider if this is what you want for your future. Being single is scary, but, think about all that money that is flying out your door supporting two man-children. Think how you will feel without this burden on your shoulders. Consider how good it will feel not having to walk on eggshells all the time. Think about all the time you can spend on YOU. And imagine how you will feel when you close on a house of your own!
Good luck getting these two barnacles off of you - keep us posted! Remember, you are worthy of someone who values you more than just a paycheck. Grab your power back!
Thank you
Thank you for your response and encouragement. I guess on some level I knew this situation wasn't normal, but until I found this site, I had no support and I thought it was just me being "selfish." It isn't easy being a stepparent and believe it or not, I have no friends or family who are stepparents. So I had no one to turn to. Plus, I'm embarrassed to tell family or friends about the situation although everyone knows my husband doesn't work and neither does his son, so, I guess it's still embarrassing. I appreciate your feedback and I am working on a plan at this time to leave this situation. Going to rid myself of those barnacles lol!
I'll keep you all posted and I'm definitely getting my power back! Thank you and take care!
Make 2022 Your New Year!
Great suggestions aleady shared here - If you were my Sister - and you are on this site - I would want you to get counseling for yourself. It helps you reconnect with yourself because you must feel depleted and it helps you quickly realize your self worth so you keep walking forward with your past getting smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror. We are all rooting for you! Let us know how beautiful your future looks soon. God Bless, Girl!!
Thank you so much
I sincerely appreciate your message, it makes me feel so much better. I fully intend to get counseling given what I've been through and I do feel like I'm not me anymore. I have been working so hard to make my marriage and relationship with SS work that I have completely neglected myself.
I will certainly post updates. Thank you again for your inspiring message!
I feel your emotions
Going through the same ,an adult 28 yo stepson who has no intentions of getting a job ,Would rather sleep in all day to midday ,Smoke weed workout eat us out of house and home,Never pay rent and then gets the shiits when his mother asks for $ ,Comes off with stuff like you still owe me from last time? This is the guy that is living rent free,Doesn't understand that with living comes water bills electricity bills internet bills,He had a job when he was 21 but quite after 6 weeks hasn't worked since,Lands a couple of interviews but then says oh they said they'd call me back ,He doesn't shower and stinks,When I bring it up with his mother I'm made out to be the bad guy and told to shut up ,Or if I don't like it then leave,I feel your emotions,You have good standards and moral values and you are being taken for a mug,You are right it's like living with dirty flatmates rather than a humble family home,You and your husband need to have a good talk over his lazy son and sort something out,He needs to be firm and a father to him not acting like a best mate or flatmate to him,What has SS said about it? Have you brought it up with him? It sounds like he's just using you and enjoying his free ride in your home
Oh my gosh, our situations
Oh my gosh, our situations are the same! My SS says that too about job interviews: the manager hasn't called me back or I've been calling the manager but can't get hold of him, etc., etc. My husband falls for this bull but I see right through it! I have tried to talk to husband about his son. He gets angry and threatens to leave and isolates me for days at a time if I make him mad. Last week before I found this site, he told me his son will always come first, "no matter what."
My SS never really talks to me much, and if we have conversation it's never about his life in any way. The reason for this is if I ask him about jobs or school in the most innocent or encouraging way, he runs to his daddy and tells him that I'm "pressuring him." Then my husband gets nasty with me about it. I've pretty much been banned from doing any parenting, advising or otherwise guiding him. Last summer, my SS's mother and step-dad bought a new home, SS went to visit for a few days. When he came back to our house, I was trying to be nice and make conversation, so I asked stepson if he had his own room at his mom's. He said no and then just got up and walked off, didnt seem mad, just disinterested in talking to me. I didn't think much of it. I had even forgotten I'd asked that, until the next day when his dad got me alone and proceeded to tell me in the most scathing manner that his son told him I said that I wanted him to move out! So, husband made it clear that I'm not to discuss his son's life or "ever make him feel bad ever again, he can live here as long as he wants!" SS has become increasingly manipulative over the past few years. I'm done with the situation at this point. As many here have pointed out, I'm being used. I see it quite clearly now and doubt it will ever change:(
Omg, he gave you the perfect
Omg, he gave you the perfect exit! Grab it with both hands! Next time he threatens to leave, offer to help him pack!
Even better, see a good lawyer, get all your ducks lined up(do not let him know what you're planning), start a conveation about the household budget, and when he threatens to leave, offer to help him pack AND hand him the divorce papers.
PS
He has lost contact with reality... His son will always come first? His son will live there forever? Methinks he has forgotten who is footing the bills ... How on earth does he imagine that any woman would actually want to live in a situation like this? When he said these things, he effectively reduced you to being an ATM for him and his spawn. Disgusting.
Does he actually take care of the house, chores, shopping, cooking, etc. given that he's a SAHD? OR does he have the audacity to leave that to you as well?
Yes, he frequently gives me
Yes, he frequently gives me that out and believe me, I'm getting my ducks in a row now and will jump on that out when it comes up again (and it definitely will). And yes, he truly is ok with his son never leaving and it's selfish of him as his son will never know true happiness or have any kind of life living with his Dad like this. No decent young lady will want anything to do with a 21 year old guy who is unemployed and living with parents! His Dad is 90% to blame for this situation IMO.
I agree with you, I have no value to SS or DH other than an ATM. Disgusting it certainly is! And I think my husband thinks other women would put up with his codependency on his son but I agree with you, the moment a woman finds out he's basically buddies and roomies with his son, she'll run fast and far from that. If this was going on when I first met my husband, there would have been no further contact or relationship with him. I too would have stayed away from that mess.
And yes,husband does all cooking, cleaning, laundry but at this point, I would prefer an adult relationship that a maid. He does the grocery shopping too but with my money.
He really is full of himself,
He really is full of himself, isn't he? Does he imagine that having a penis is enough to attract a woman?
Full of himself for sure.
Full of himself for sure. And he probably does think all he needs is his penis. The whole situation is depressing but I've no choice but to leave.
This may not be your case but
This may not be your case but ... I couldn't help thinking of this saying:
"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy."
Yeah
He'll never move out sorry to say not while daddy is treating him like a flatmate or best mate rather than a Son,You gotta draw the line,It must be hard an anxious that you can't even talk to this guy without him running to Daddy and manipulate the innocent questions of "Have you got your own room at your Mums place" "How's the job hunting going",I was thinking maybe the SS is mental health issues anxiety depression but it could just come down to entitled behaviour due to Daddy spoiling him and having his back everytime and putting him first over you everytime,If he threatening to leave you then tell him ",there's the door then leave" but he won't because he knows he has it to good and easy, I'm in the same situation with a 28yo SS,Mum always puts him first over me, and has said he can stay here till he is 50,I have no problem with a mother's love for her Son and letting him stay and do blended families,But he must contribute to the household ,Empty a bin mop a floor wash our car cut the grass do the dishes contribute to bills water and electricity that you use,It's no free load and most of all get a job so you are not home all day smoking weed and working out..I hope things work out or go forward in a positive way for you rather than living in and amongst all that negativity and tension.. good luck
You are absolutely correct.
You are absolutely correct. My husband wants to be his son's friend, not his father. And yes, it sucks that I can't even ask about my SS's life when I am the one supporting him financially. It is stressful for me to feel like an outsider in my home and never know what is going on with SS and my husband because I'm not allowed to ask. I'm also not allowed to offer my help/opinion for plan to move SS out of the home and get him to be a productive adult.
I can definitely relate to your situation and I feel for you as well. It is frustrating and lonely, always feeling like you're last (because we are).
I hope things turn around for you also. I am making an exit plan but also, the next time my husband gets angry and threatens to leave, my plan is to tell him to go ahead. And I also wondered if SS had emotional issues, but no, it's really just that he doesn't want to work or do anything other than loaf all day. He won't mow the lawn in the summer, rarely does dishes unless my husband forces him.... this kid does absolutely nothing and for no other reason than he is lazy and entitled.
Hang in there friend... I'm right there with you.
This is not new behavior.
This is not new behavior. Knowing what these two were like historically, WTF were you thinking marrying this POS?
More importantly, why are you supporting them. Call a moving service, pack up the house, move everything to storage, get a nice apartment in a secure bldg, shut off all of the utilities at the house, pay zero bills for them, no groceries, no water bills, nothing, and leave them to rot.
If you don't you are the facilitator of all of this shit and it is entirely on you since you are the one choosing to fund this shit show of a gene pool.
Do not worry about the house payment, nothing. There are options for surrendering a home to the bank, separating yourself financially and protecting yourself from their shit, and of course, get a DIVORCE!!!! NOW!
Save yourself.
Good luck.
Thsnk you for your response,
Thsnk you for your response, very sound advice and to answer your question: I have no clue what I was thinking marrying into this. I guess there were red flags I ignored as I was told I was being selfish for wanting SS to work. The situation developed rather Insidiously. I know now that I made a huge mistake marrying into this. I'm embarrassed. My family doesn't even know what goes on as I am too ashamed to tell them and they're far away. But I'm getting my life together at this point and will be leaving. The house is a rental and we have no joint accounts, kids or properties together. Am hoping that makes for an easy departure. I no longer wish to be facilitator of this sh$t show, believe me.
It is great to see that your
It is great to see that your are working your exit plan. I do advise that you read your family in to the situation. If only for their emotional support.
Take care of you.
I so appreciate your advice
I so appreciate your advice and support.
Thank you!
I hear you! Not in my current
I hear you! Not in my current life, but in a previous bad marriage these bad situations just gradually get worse bit by bit, so slowly in fact that you don't realise at the time. When something does happen to make us look back we only then realise what a huge change has occurred.
Good luck to you. I wish you light, peace and the swift sight of the back of the heads of your husband and SS as you walk away!!
Thank you! Your
Thank you! Your encouragement is greatly appreciated. I'm working on getting myself straightened out and away from this situation. And yes, the situation just gradually worsened and I just didn't realize what a mess I was getting myself into. Well, it's worse than a mess lol....
Holy sh*t, I could barely
Holy sh*t, I could barely choke down more than the first few lines of your post before the red flags burst into flames and by the end of it the house is not on fire, it's an inferno. There is no way I would tolerate spending my evenings alone while DH gets his relationship and emotional needs met from SS. Dealing with my Las Diablas young adult SK's is hard enough for a week much less months or years. What you are dealing with is not normal. My young adult BD lives with DH and I but she has a part-time job, is a straight A full-time student and cleans up after herself.
Yeah, it's a very
Yeah, it's a very dysfunctional situation. I didn't realize how bad til I got on this site. I just kept telling myself I was just being judgemental of their relationship. But yes, my husband looks to his son to get his emotional needs met. He has told me multiple times over the past few months that he is only happy when his son is around, so that in itself speaks volumes.
Hun
That comment sayz it all.
Your response " I am only happy when both of youz are gone" Cause seriously this aint good for you. Their unhealthy relationship affects you. So basically there is nothing you can do other than NOT be around it. Neither of them have a problem with it so it aint gonna change. You have a problem with it, and rightfully so .
Blessings lady
Thank you
Yes, I agree. He made that statement several times over the past month or few months, I can't remember exactly. It just hurt my feelings and I wondered, "so what happens to us when your son moves out and moves on with a girlfriend/wife?" Well, I now understand that my husband's plan is for his son to never move out. So, I know what I need to do. I have never been party to a co-dependent parent-child relationship but here it is. It is sad.
Stay at home parenting exists only when your kids
Are yet to be in fulltime daily school if your savings and income allows for that. There is no such thing as a stay at home dad for a freeloading failure to launch 21 yr old who isn't disabled and requires a carer.
no way would hubby be moving ppl into our marital home to sponge off us.
Yes!
So true, there's no reason my husband should coddle his 21 yo son. It's detrimental to his son, to him and to our marriage.
Please let us know how your exit goes
You definitely should go but I'm always nervous until I hear that people are safely out.
:) yes I will certainly keep
:) yes I will certainly keep you all updated. Thank you!
Your husband is a con man. I
Your husband is a con man. I bet he's a really smooth talker. Hell No to supporting a stay-at-home dad to a 21-year-old who isn't even mine! Even in the beginning, he talked you into financing him "staying home to raise" a 17-year-old! Jesus.
Yes, he is a smooth talker.
Yes, he is a smooth talker. He has a way of twisting the situation around to where I am on the defensive and I feel like I am being selfish or have done something wrong. I never really caught onto that until recently. I also did not feel it was necessary to be a stay-at-home parent to a teenager. But, I have no kids of my own and wasn't sure what was normal and what wasn't. Now I know. I wish I had found this website a long time ago. It's nice to have insight and support from people who truly understand.