You are here

Adult stepson has antisocial personality; malignant narcissist, psychopathy 2 sociopath

sspsychopath's picture

I have been married for 24 years to my husband and we have a great relationship.  I am seen and heard, supported, loved and we have a healthy relationship and marriage.  My DH is my best friend and business partner.  My stepson was 7 when we met and I tried so hard to love and accept him.  But he was a little monster that hated me from day one because of BM he was taught to hate and his little psyche was broken before I even came in the picture.  He was thrown on us age 14 his meth addicted mother washed her hands of him.  We tried everything to show him how loving parents treat each other, that we are a team on each other's side.  That he couldn't manipulate us to split.  We were asked to leave 2 churches because of SS.  We were constantly calling the police 911 emergency during his violent teen years.  Finally, it exploded when he was 17 and he was charged as an adult for him and his friends assaulting me.  He took a plea deal for family violence and 2 year fixed prison sentence.  My DH never went to visit SS once or put any money on his books.  We worked on repairing the destruction, moved far away and I have been under the care of neurologist for post concussion syndrome, major depression, nightmare disorder, panic attacks and PTSD since the incident that sent him to prison.  Fast forward, 4 years ago we became grandparents to our beautiful GS1.  He abused the mother and she got full custody of GS1.  We are on good terms with her to this day.  The only way SS could visit his child was supervised visitation at my home every Sunday, from 9am-6pm.  I allowed this, with some very strong boundaries with adult SS.  We done this for 3.5 years and we are bonded and loved GS1 so much.  My stepson seemed to be doing okay (mask) so I wrote a letter to the judge saying I believe SS should now have unsupervised visitation.  Almost immediately, within weeks, SS got a different woman pregnant with GS2.  There relationship ended with physical, mental, emotionally abuse just like all his other relationships.  This was during Covid and we only got to meet GS2 twice because of the pandemic.  I told them I didn't want to be involved, to keep us out of it that we just want to be grandparents.  Well, they are both toxic and after excruiating abuse from both of them, I have went no contact with both.  The straw with SS son was so ugly and he said he was taking grandchildren from us.  And he is demanding from his father inheritance from our 16 acre farm.  We have told him No, that our obligation is to each other and he is an adult now to make his own life.  We don't have a will, but our farm is Right of Survivorship so it will never go through probate and will pass to either me or my husband.  So are all our accounts and our S corp business.  SS is living around the corner from us and stalking and spying on us.  SS and BM are living like parasites with BM's elderly daddy.  Hoovering and waiting on his demise.  I believe BM has put inheritance in SS mind and she is telling him that I'm keeping him from his daddy.  So now, instead of me and my planning on the 2nd half of our life.  We were thinking of selling the farm and moving to Fla in 55 and older community.  We are now going to have to address issue of SS hoovering us waiting on our demise, so him and BM can try to take what me and my husband built over our 24 year marriage.  We had nothing when we started.  Advice please?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You both need wills. Contact an estate attorney and get an iron clad will drawn up. You need to continue to have absolutely nothing to do with this man and ideally your DH would end any and all contact with him as well.

If he is physically spying and stalking you, get a restraining order. When he violates it, contact the police and press charges. It is time to start playing "hardball" with him to make sure you are safe.

The_Upgrade's picture

Are you still on good terms with BM1 and GS1? It may be worth talking to an estate lawyer about putting your funds into a Living Trust (or whatever equivalent in your country). So that in the event of your DH's passing, the money will bypass SS and go directly to you and GS. You can bet your GS won't see a dollar if it passes through SS's hands first. We had to do that with mine and DH's assets so that SD won't be able to double dip. We paid quite a bit in capital gains tax to transfer ownership of the assets but it was worth it for peace of mind. It would've been cheaper to set it up like that right from the start but how were we know know this is how things would've turned out...SD and BM can only go after whatever is in DH's estate after he passes but the contents of the Trust are invisible to them as they're not part of his estate. While DH is still alive he is still able to revoke the Trust if needed and add/remove beneficiaries so it's not set in stone. It's just an extra cost of steplife. 

sspsychopath's picture

This is all new to me.  I paid 10k for elder care attorney to settle my father's estate, and now I need to protect it from adult parasite step son.  A Living Trust, how much attorney fee?  And can I do that if we have 67k owed?

The_Upgrade's picture

Our attorney fees were discounted because he's family. And we simultaneously consulted our financial advisor. They're two fields that loosely overlapped but good to get expert opinions of both. Like the attorney might be able to tell you if your will is airtight or not but he won't be able to give as good advice on the cheapest way of shuffling assets around. Whereas the financial advisor might know the cheapest way of moving asset names from A to B but won't be able to tell you 100% what will happen if it'll be contested in a court of law if any heirs decide they're entitled to a cut. At the very least it's worth it to pay for an initial consult.

Rags's picture

Did he go back to prison for assaulting the first baby mama? If not, why not?

I think that it is time for you and DH to get your CWP and put an end to this crap when he threatens you, assaults either of you, or makes any move that appears aggressive.  Double tap, center mass, end of problem.

My DW's childhood BFF just filed for divorce from her serially adulterous DH of 25 years. Her attorney advised her to get licensed for concealed carry and if he ever approaches her or enters her business to shoot him.  She was already licensed to carry. 

At some point these vermin need to be exterminated. They will eventually try to harm someone again which is the perfect opportunity to deal with the issue in a durable manner.

Good luck, take care of you.

StepUltimate's picture

Everything Rsgs wrote!

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

You and DH need to sit down with an estate attorney and develop an iron clad will. You can also place any assets upon both if you passing in trust to GS1 to be passed to him upon whatever set age you determine. 

I think your idea if you and DH selling the farm and moving to enjoy your golden years is a good idea. The further away from SS the better.

My OSD is a narcissist like her mother and the jury is still out on how YSD will turn out. I can tell you it has always been my plan to move as far away from them as possible as I near retirement. 

simifan's picture

You need to see an attorney. Depending on what state you live in, SS may inherit if DH dies first. Assuming the farm is in both names, you would get the farm, but anything owned by DH would go 50/50 to you and SS. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Yep, the only way out of it is to make it so DH owns as little as possible on paper before he passes. The earlier the better. So no one can say your DH wasn't in full possession of his faculties when he signed the papers. On paper I own DH's vehicles, a boat I can't even drive, a trailer I've never used, etc. If that was still under his name it'd be thousands extra added to his estate to be divided with SD. 

Thumper's picture

Welcome to Step talk.

Sometimes they say you need to cut sling load. I know you wrote you and DH love your Grandchild. The trade off is still having ties to ss. You said you moved away, why did you go back to SS?

You wrote: The straw with SS son was so ugly and he said he was taking grandchildren from us.


So your ss told you and dh he was going to keep the grandchildren away unless dh signed over the farm.

It's time for you and dh to tell SS....OK SS then keep the grandkids away. SEE Ya.

Get a good estate lawyer.

You are falling for ss bs. Blood may be thicker than water, but you can choke to death on both.

Good Luck



2Tired4Drama's picture

I think that first you need to address your behavior in this nightmare.  Based on the symptoms you describe you have, I am hoping that you are under a mental health professional's (not just a neurologist's) overview on a regular basis and are undergoing therapy.  If you are not you need to do so immediately.  You must take care of yourself first. 

Second, minor children should be the utmost priority in this situation and should be protected at all costs. Period. I cannot understand why a judge listened to YOUR recommendation and allowed a small child to have unsupervised visits with a violent convicted felon. You have been identified with multiple victim manifestations (major depression, nightmare disorder, panic attacks and PTSD) and your advice on SS's level of contact with his children should not have even entered the picture. 

I also cannot understand why you even chose to write a letter on behalf of SS, knowing that children were involved. Nor can I understand why your home (a victim's) was chosen as the location for visits. It makes absolutely no sense. You knew he had violent tendencies and just because he was "good" for a little while does not change his stripes. Judges and social workers should have also seen through this and recommended otherwise. Why wasn't social workers etc. advice taken?

Likewise, you say your relationship with DH is wonderful but I think that's a blind. There is no way a loving, caring husband would have allowed any of this serious, violent abuse happen to his wife, and then open up the doors to the perpetrator again. Son or no son. Grandkids or no grandkids.

In any case, you wanted advice so here's mine FWIW:  Stop any and all contact with SS and his children. Sell the farm, move away and get resettled into a new community. You need to get into a regulated therapy program with a psychiatrist/psychologist to address your own mental health. You and DH need to get marital counseling and figure out how to manage this situation in the future. 

A difficult part will be to face up to the fact that these grandkids are not your children. SS and their mother(s) are and they can decide what kind of relationship and level of contact those kids have with you. Even if violence were not part of this equation, you must understand that a child's parents can cut off grandparents at any time without any explanation and there is nothing you can do about it. 

You may consider this harsh or abrupt but I assure you that you are not seeing things clearly, nor have you been for some time. If you were, you wouldn't be in this situation.  Best of luck to you. 


sspsychopath's picture

DH has high blood pressure and has realized for a long time that SS is not healthy for us, nor does he care and wishes we were dead like our assets would solve his problems.  My DH was cussed up and down by adult SS yesterday when SS needed key to our shop to move his belongings.  Also he is moving his roosters and hen he has been breading on our land.  He had asked us if we could hold his chickens on our land awhile back and we didn't know they were only roosters been bread to fight until their death for gamblers.  Puke, ugh.  DH told his adult son to get his shit off our property and never come back.  I finally feel like he is no threat to me, as me and my DH are going to divide the farm and sell it and we are looking at 55 plus property in Fla.  My GS1 and his mother are moving to WV to get away from SS, and we are on good terms with her and can visit or have him extend visit with us when we are moved.  DH cried for about 1 minute, feeling guilty that he couldn't ever make our relationship work and that we will have a GS2 out there we will never meet.  I hugged and comforted him and told him it wasn't his fault, that there was poor parenting from BM to SS.  I feel it's final and I didn't cry because I am so relieved.  Thank  you to everyone that posted.  We are definitely going to see an estate planning attorney after we sell our farm and relocate.  We will have a home paid for when we relocate.  Thank you so much!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Make sure every bit of bird fighting birds and things are removed from your property ASAP. If law enforcement were to come after your SS, your property could end up being confiscated as part of the criminal investigation under forfeiture laws.

tfsimmons's picture

Leave all that danger and drama in the rear view mirror!!  Get down here and let the sunshine and salty breeze dry your tears.  One thing is certain - grandkids LOVE to visit the home of Disneyland and splash around in your pool!  If you can, choose a gated community with a guarded entrance where you determine who can and cannot have access.  Sounds like you have a true bond with your grandchild1 and there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer in schools & churches with kids who need you.

Please keep posting so we can follow your story!  You're gonna love life here!  Blessings, Sister!