You are here

Adult Steps Background Checked Me/I'm Not Welcome To Eat W Them

MissTexas's picture

There's a lot of history here. For the sake of not making this an epic post I will spare details. (Unfamiliar readers can read previous posts.) DH & I have been together/married over a decade.

SS almost 50 shows up where we live (DH gave SK's everything recently, without informing me, including marital home) w kids in tow. Wants to grill w DH & they do. Things have been rocky in the past (SD violently went off on Dh and I without being provoked for almost and hour while DH just watched. I filed a police report, not an RO or PO, to protect myself  to allow local law enforcement to know there has been a history. SD has not been allowed to return, as police report advises me to call the sheriff should she show up.) So since things had been shaky with SK's (their doing) I knew it would make DH happy if I offered to help cook or come by and visit. I sent a text asking when lunch was going to be ready. No response for a bit, then, "It will be a while. I'll let you know." Two hours went by and nothing. I ran to town to run errands (& eat) & get a text, "I'm back at the house now." I asked, "So now what?" Nothing, so  called him. I asked how things were. He said not good. I ask why, and he says he will tell me when I get home. I asked him to tell me now.  He tells me SS doesn't want you around him or kids. He and SD did a thorough background check on you and they decided it's best this way. It's important to note I have been in the education field and hold another licensure which requires fingerprinting and backgroun checking, as well has a handgun license which was recently renewed. None of this could happen if I had a criminal past of any type. Some may ask, if there's nothing to hide, why be upset? Well, that's actually WHY I'm upset. Since that turned up nothing. SS tries to bring up a visit 4 years ago when an elderly friend ate with all of us. Nothing happened, she is a retired educatory/principal, and has 45 years experience in the education world with kids, and has raised 4 kids. SS tells Dh, "MissTexas' friend made me uncomfortable when she ate lunch with us. Really? We were all there, nobody was EVER alone with the kids, and no conversation was held that was not child appropriate, again she and I both worked with children for years.Finally SS told DH, "You don't own anything anymore, so you and your wife really need to move off this rural property." What? Now that DH gave it all to them, they have no use for him? That's gratitude, now isn't it? DH actually told me (as he has many times) "I guess we are going to have to move. I will have to work part-time at night to make ends meet." (After giving kids gold and platinum bars/property/houses etc.) So I called his bluff and started taking pictures of the furniture to sell. He asked why I was doing that and I told him. He said, "This is MY FURNITURE." Oh, ok...I brought 75% of it (antiques) into the marriage.He backed off and said, "No we aren't going anywhere." I told him to stop playing that headgame then!

When I returned home I asked if he had eaten, and he said he didn't, that he had come straight home without eating, which is odd. I asked if he brought himself, or me a plate to share? The answer was no...not even an offer.

To be clear, I'm that wife who makes homemade bread and other foods on a regular basis. I cook daily, usually all 3 meals. If I go to have lunch with friends, I make DH's lunch and dessert FIRST and clean up the kitchen.I also made food for SK's and SGKs for years, with no thanks. Got up extra early to drive the 45 minutes to town to pick up fresh donust for SGK's on many occasions. All in an effort to make life better for others.

I was hurt and shocked that he didn't shut SS down and tell him his 3rd party intrusion was in no way appropriate. Apparently daddy is smart enough to gift SK's millions debt-free, but he can't choose an appropriate wife.  It also hurt me that he couldn't dare bring food for either of us, for fear SS would come down hard on him.

I have not, much to Dh's dismay, cooked, made the bed, started planting (I'm always working in the yard) or done any other "wifely duties." I'm doing my part to socially distance myself...lol.

I have also started asserting myself, and let it be knows I will not sign anything, including IRS forms (I'm a huge tax write off), or any other legal forms until I get legal protection from being evicted upon his deasth. This had been a request I have had for years, but have never taken a stand or refused to cooperate in ANY way. I have essentially done EVERYTHING they have asked of me, whether I wanted to or not, with the exception of refusting to waive my rights to the place. Sidenote: Adult offspring are very wealthy, and there are other fully furnished houses on the property should they come visit.All the modern luxuries...nobody is pitching a tent.

DH does not understand why this has upset me so, as he is grossly enmeshed and this is and always has been their "normal."

I think it boils down to SD cannot come on the property (she has a high profile job and cannot risk a RO or any police blotter reports) because of WHAT SHE DID, and never took ownership of her behavior, but rather blamed it on work, us, and everything else.No SK's are "tag teaming" DDAAAADDDEEEE.

Thoughts?

ldvilen's picture

Simple answer:  Tell them all to F- off.  Re: your marriage, that is completely up to you how to best handle that.  But, re: skids, disengage 100%, to a level 10.  As others have said: They are dead to you.  Ghosts.  ETA:  Kisses and hugs to you too.

MissTexas's picture

This has been the "new norm" for almost 2 years. DH commented it would be nice for me to see the grandkids. I disagree. I want NOTHING to do with ANY of THEM EVER.

Thanks for the support and cyper kisses and hugs! ((( )))

sandye21's picture

Miss Texas, I've been following your situation for a long time.  It is so sad that your DH threw you under the bus big time.  So glad you are standing your ground and not signing anything to give them an advantage.  Quite frankly, I'm pissed at your DH for betraying you so badly.  (((HUGS)))

SacrificialLamb's picture

Thoughts?

I am sorry. So many of us have told you thoughts for a long time. You deserve better than this. Even when his kids act like this, your DH still bows to them. 

I know you have said there were benefits to staying in this marriage. Maybe there are now, but when DH kicks the bucket then what? You certainly know where his feral children stand.  Where will YOU be? Do you want a long drawn out court case?

If I were you I would divorce him to make sure I were protected later on. Based on your descriptions, he sounds so far out he wouldn't even know what hit him. Divorce him; tell him to hire a nurse.

I hope you have saved every thing you can in writing. Wish I could come out there and give you a hug. 

MissTexas's picture

I thank you, sincerely.

Yes I certainly do, but it is a process to make decisions and put those into motion.

I also feel he is declining mentally, and has been in the last several years. That may partially explain the costant placing SK's in a positon of power, changing wills, changing his license address, constantly losing things and forgetting things, not following along in conversations,  and much more curious behaviors. His mother died just 3 years older than he is now from Dementia related illness. His entire judgement appears to be off, whereas it wasn't 10-12 years ago. Because of this I am making sure he sees the proper physicians to be evaluated, and that is another form of documentation.

I have been silently building my case for the last 18 months, making copies, saving things, keeping a timeline of events. I have viscious voicemails from SD (an atty) that are clearly elder abuse and manipulation, I have recordings of her 45 min. rant, a police report and much more. Judges and attorneys want , need and demand black and white facts, not hearsay.  I am still around...constantly building a strong case for emotional and financial abuse, as well as elder abuse on DH from SKs.

 

Penny19's picture

Saving voice mails is one thing, having recordings of someone is another matter. Check on the legality in your state of recording someone w/o his/her permission.  We found this out when some nasty neighbors bought property next to us and kept coming to our door ranting and raving about nonsense and then vandalizing our property. We were going to record them until we found out from our lawyer that it's illegal in our state. 

Good luck to you. You are very wise in all of your preparations!

Rags's picture

In Texas anyone can record their own conversations without informing any other party to the conversation.  We used this to great advantage during the 16+ year war with the SpermClan.  We had them dead to rights lying in court and bared their asses with those recordings on more than one occasion.  It isn't legal in SpermLand but petfectly legal in Texas.  It pissed the Judge off but.... the lies were heard loud and clear. 

MissTexas's picture

There is nothing like their voices proving WHO AND WHAT THEY REALLY ARE! There's not excuse or dismissing the truth when YOU HAVE THE PROOF with their venemous voice spewing.

Kes's picture

Your DH is colluding with the steps abuse of you.  Why ever would you want to be with him under these circumstances? It made me want to run, just reading your post, I felt suffocated and panicky.  That's all I got. 

Winterglow's picture

Divirce him. Take him for half of what he has. For the time being the kids down't own a thing ... not until your DuH kicks the bucket. So get your fair share now and let  them fight over what's left. And let him worry about where he's going to spend his twilight years.Not your problem. 

MissTexas's picture

that is absolutely the reason why. SD was using her legal jargon to work on daddy's head, so he jumped in feet first and agreed to sign it all over to them. I do believe I was to have signed an aknowledgement as it directly effects me, so I feel it was illigitimate gifting and they have disregarded many of the gifting guidelines. I can't be specific here, but it's basically a huge tax shelter so SKs won't have to pay estate taxes once daddy dies. 

Note: We have no prenuptial agreement or partitioning, and he has had that in previous marriages. I honestly believe this is why SKs are shitting boulders. They know I have specific rights as per our state's constitution, and I have always steadfastly REFUSED to sign ANYTHING they place in front of me.

I learned recently a business entity needed and easement to come through this property when he was previously married. This warranted several million in compensation. SD stepped in and told daddy what to do with his money. And guess who ended up with it? Wife only wanted a portion of it for her retirement years. In the end, she came out very well, as the judge saw it as a financial game of keep away. She walked away with 1/3 of that, even with a prenup!

Most of us who are emotionally stable and healthy would be delighted that our aging parent had a sincere and loyal person in their lives to take on all that it encompasses. Not these visceral brats.

shamds's picture

In the yrs prior you were gifting assets to spouse an dkids this will be reversed because its considered fraud. Because you are like cheating the system. 

Op husband has no interest in making sure she is taken care of if he is gone, thats not at all a marriage or committed relationship and screw everyone or anyone who says “you’re a big ass grown woman and are responsible solely for your future”!!

when you get married thats a commitment to one another for your married life. Any partner who is covertly transferring stuff that he knows is considered marital assets is an arsehole especially in the eyes of the law you are considered entitled to a portion.

now his generosity has backfired with his own kids telling you both to eff off!! 

Op, take your husband to court and have those prior property trasfers revoked, surely it can be done when he is going against the law and covertly doing this madness.

when my own skids and hubbys exwife was using skids to tell hubby to transfer assets to the skids because hubby owed the exwife, i told hubby i was worried because it starts with this and he sets a precedent and we have 2 kids aged 4 and almost 3, skids are 24, almost 22 and 14. They are completely erasing my 2 kids (hubbys kids existance) and it made me worried that their intentions were to have hubby transfer things covertly to them and leave us homeless.

i’m lucky my husband volunteered this info and openly told me and that he would never leave us homeless and that he has a responsibility to provide for our young kids and we bought a home in my country. Skids are so used to freeloading from daddy that the idea of taking care of yourselves means nothing. In my case my husband knows crazy exwife controls skids and they are so brainwashed and hubby does not want exwife having any control of his estate.

hubby trusts me more that if he did a will stating to split blah blah blah that i would honour it since he has provided for us but if hubby left one of his other 3 kids with ex wife as executor of his estate, he knows they would never honour his wishes to make sure our 2 kids get the same benefits as them like education and the basic expenses fully paid for and it’s totally hypocritical for hubby to tell me to toughen up and handle all this shit on my own if he died when exwife hasn’t done shit or worked in 26+ years and hubby has had to provide for those 3 kids with her...

thats the way things should be but there is no united front here in your life op, no open communication from your husband

MissTexas's picture

You're right. All that matters is these wealthy adult offspring, and why? Because he has been forever guilted for divorcing BM by his kids. They will NEVER let him live it down. I didn't cause the divorce. I wasn't on the scene until almost 30 years later! So why all the animosity and ugliness??

I'm hoping it can be reversed. Especially since he has a history of taking from wives to give to his kids. (Robin Hood reversal).I am in the process of learning more about how this works. I've spent many long hours at the legal library pouring over information, laws and cases that have had surprising outcomes. SKs and DH know I'm pretty resourceful and know how to get information. The last wife wasn't educated (not that it is a bad thing AT ALL) and didn't really know what her rights were. That's one reason she signed the prenup. 

He and his kids have been trying to get me to "visit with them with their legal team" for years. I have flat out refused. I once overheard him tell SD, "Yes, I am so very sorry. I coud've done better with the paperwork." I take that to mean, "I got us into this mess. I should've had a prenup" But he had one with the last wife and she cleaned their clocks financially.

Oh  my goodness...that is horrible. You  have tiny babies to support. How awful. Thank God your husband told you and you got it straigtened out and your Dh saw the light. My Dh hides everything from me. It was sheer coincidence that I stumbled upon this entire mess when I did. At first I was shocked and sick to my stomach. The various stages of the effect of what I have been subjected evolved.

Unfortunately these covert money and asset transfers happen all the time, & the only way to get to the bottom of it is to hire a forensic accountant (whichis very expensive, and he controls ALL the money).  I still believe (and have been told) I was to have signed off on the gifting because I LIVE THERE and it EFFECTS ME and my future. I wouldn't be too sure my "signature" doesn't appear on legal documents that I know nothing about. These people will stop at nothing to get what they want. I know the part of the state we reside in is rural and very conservative. Men pride themselves on being gentlemen. Judges and attorneys around here would very much so frown upon leaving a widow destitute. I never undesrtood why in divorce cases, women are expected to be able to maintain a certain lifestyle, but widows are not.

DH has never shared any information from his will with me, but shares with SKs. SD is always in a position of power and control, ALWAYS. Because she has INSISTED ON IT. She has a very distorted view of marriage and how it should function. She's been manipulating daddy for decades. This is their "normal"...she says it, he does it. Mini-wife deluxe.

Again, you are fortunate for the husband and his attitude toward marriage.

CANYOUHELP's picture

When you have dedicated many years of your life to somebody (clearly you love them), in spite of the crazy step dynamic you live.  When you are no longer young, it is harder to jump up an leave a situation financially, as well.  I have learned this by reading on ST. You have dedicated your life to this man and you deserve his loyalty; though it has not been reciprocated.

Time to protect yourself from his enmeshment. Sounds like your man is enmeshed with his adults- on fire, while most of us here deal with some level of enmeshment, regardless. You definitely have to document his sickness and abuse if you plan to stay.  It sounds like have been documenting for your own safety and he missed the perfect wife.  His loss, you follow your  heart and, as a poster told me....best advise ever....you protect yourself, he is not going to ......

You can do this!

 

 

Rags's picture

Play the poison pill.  File the RO against SD and go ahead and throw one in for SS.  See how they like standing at the gates looking in while knowing that any move on their part will result in an arrest and destruction of their careers.

No more games. I like that.

piegirl's picture

sorry I have been MIA - long story.

Anyway, I hate that you are going through this, and that just when you think it's at it's worst - nope another freight train comes along Sad

Keep learning as much and as fast as you can! Hugest hugs to you!

sammigirl's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this emotional pain.  Loving a man unconditionally has it's price.

Please, please take care of yourself financially.  I believe you mentioned seeing an Attorney for advice.  I know your DH has signed everything over.  Do you still have your joint house you bought together?

It is a fact that you are going to have to think about moving forward.  Everything is at an instant deadend, when you lose a spouse.  Do the necessary things now!  I did one thing right.  I set myself up thru my retirement and we both had set things up for each other.  Now that my DH is gone, I am taking it one day at a time.

My SKs cannot take anything from me, after 40 years and everything was joint.  I do not have to deal with them at any time now.  All the material things in my life do not take away the pain of losing my DH.  I know now, our hard work, and my standing my ground is making it easier.

My hugs.  Move forward now!.  Be true to yourself.  See an Attorney and follow his advice.  You have an unique situation.  Bless you.