Adult Stepkids not talking to me
what a wonderful thing to find your thread. i would like to share my situation:
Ive been with my husband for 13 years-married for four. My husband is a widower. Ive helped him parent through thick and thin. Ive supported him, guided him, helped him in tough parenting situations. I've been very careful about my boundaries-loving and supporting his kids from a distance. I was more of a friend, a safe person to come to to talk about anything. All our kids participated in our wedding, each stood up and spoke during our service.
After marrying, I sold my house and slowly moved into my husband's house-both of us, as well as his adult children knowing that I was there to help facilitate getting the house sold so my husband and I could purchase our own home together.
So for a month or so all is good-then our breakdown begins. One son (24 years old) is depressed, quit his job and began sitting on the sofa hours each day-working minimally. He was so depressed-and i knew i couldnt live with myself if i didnt push for therapy for him. my husband said to me that his son just wouldnt agree to get help. i said if he lives in your house and does not contribute in any way to the household-it seemed to me that going to therapy could be his "job". My husband's son went one time and refused to go again. this young man was also so rude and disrespectful to his Dad-refusing to do chores and giving his Dad a tough time. I asked my husband about setting up a contract to get his son to sign, agreeing to help with minimal chores and contine with therapy if he lived in tbe house. He couldnt handle this idea so he got his son an apartment and has helped his son financially to make it on his own.this son blasted me on FB saying I kicked him out of his own house (again-he was 24 at the time).
Other son grad from college and did not get a job. again his father said what could he do-he couldnt force his kid to work. to his credit, my husband did work in his own way to pressure his son to work-but to no avail. I asked my husband if he wanted my help and he agreed. I began making my presence known to this stepchild, ststing I was coming into town to set up a plan with him to pursue a job. he didnt want my help-and began working at a bar immediately. This son hates my interference-noticing his Dad is acting differently (less tolerant of this sons manipulstive behaviors).
We think this son is using drugs as to many behaviors hes demonstrated recently. Both sons, now 24 and 26 are helped financially by their dad.
Recently they have decided tbey both hate me and refuse to speak to me and have made clear to their dad they dont want me in their life and feel their dad is picking me over them. Their dad feels guilty and has regarded me as the enemy at times. We are getting marriage counseling so we are improving in our relatiinship. recent weddings have been hard to attend as the kids (aka-adult step children!!) ignore me but will sit right next to us and just talk to their dad.
Sorry this is so long! Heres my quetion-my husband and i own a vacation home together and i have made clear his children are not allowed to come here as long as things are not at least civil between his kids and me. believe me i hsve gitten over spending time being upset over them. bottomline-i wouldnt let any of my kids take advantage of our vacation home if they werent being respectful to both my husband and me. ive appealed to my husband by saying he woukdnt want my kids in our vacation home if they were disrespecting him-he agreed.
He feels guilty though, has a history of enabling his kids and now is being pressured by his (adult) kids to allow them to come use our vacation home.
I want to stand firm and say no-I allow no disrespectful (adult) children in my vacation house period-whether Im there or not.
Am I being too harsh?
No, you are not being too
No, you are not being too harsh.
Welcome to the site! No, you
Welcome to the site! No, you are not being harsh at all, you have bent over backwards to help your husband and his adult sons, (I will not call them kids), what thanks do you get for this? these entitled adults treating you like a piece of invisible sh!t.
I think the stipulation you made about the depressed SS going to therapy and doing a small amount of household chores was more than generous, personally. I think that your husband needs to step up and repay you by defending you and not allowing his adult sons to treat you like you don't exist, when you are at weddings etc together - the very least he can do is let them know in no uncertain terms that they are to treat you with civility. As things stand, there is no way on earth I would let them use the holiday house.
I feel like you are doing
I feel like you are doing this all right, and are not too harsh. Being cordial and respectful should not be too hard for anyone, especially an adult.
No you are not harsh at all!
No you are not harsh at all!
I set the "respect" boundary in our home. I understand that SD57 has to come visit DH in our home, because DH is totally disabled; although, I told DH that SD would show respect in our home, or I would show her the door immediately. I also DH that if he didn't like my boundaries, he could go out the door with SD. End of conversation.
SD is civil and it is very cool and low key visits from her. SD only comes approximately six times a year or less. She is making a total issue out of the fact that "she doesn't feel comfortable visiting in our home". GOOD! She can stay away for all I care. Of course DH and SD blame me for being "too harsh", thus I'm not a good SM. *clapping*
Guess what? I don't care!
^^^THIS!!^^^
If the skids owned a home, do you think they would allow someone to use it who is disrespectful of them? Sammi, do you think if you visited SD she would go out of her way to make YOU feel comfortable in her home? For decades I welcomed SD into my home and she was thoroughly obnoxious but she told DH I made her "uncomfortable". When we visited her I tried to be a gracious guest. She was STILL obnoxious to me in her home, constantly rolling her eyes, sighing and snapping at me.
At the moment, SD is not allowed in our house unless she can behave respectfully. And I have no desire to visit her. But if she entered our home and became obnoxious again, she would definitely - and immediately - be 'uncomfortable'! LOL
No you are not being too
No you are not being too harsh.
Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura on XM Radio? IF not, find a way to. XM costs about 30bucks for 6months.
Anyway...She often asks callers 'is this how you want to live between NOW and dead?
EDIT to add: Seperate issues here. Druggie step kids will suck you dry and you wont have to worry about a vacation home after you re-mortgage it a few times. Next lets say adult kids want to live there...they need a place, daddy-O' agrees with it...NEXT you have squaters. Squaters are no joke...Back when 20 years ago you could kick someone out...now you need a darn court order.
I am so sorry your dh whom you seemed to do a lot for ALL these years his kids to treat you like dirt. The marriage is not in the terms of it's intent. I would figure out how i could support myself if the marriage ends and worry less about his adult kids. feelings. I would not have lasted as long as you have IF my dh put up with that junk.
You and your step kids are NOT equal footing. "do you want to live like this from now to dead?"
got it!
I understand what you are saying. Thank you everyone for replying. I will stick to my boundaries-as my husband doesn't quite believe I'm reasonable (he says he wants to share the fruits of his labor with his kids and he has asked them to be kind to me-but they are adults and he can't force them to listen to him). I am no pushover! But I hate conflict too and I am a people pleaser at heart! My husband has been extremely kind and generous with me and loves me and keeps working on our relationship by seeing a therapist and making good changes over time. But his love, generosity and kindness should not influence my decision to maintain healthy boundaries with his priviledged adult sons. (I have a bit of guilt taking this stand-for whatever reason-thats why I reached out to you all.) Again, thank you! Chris And-I do have XM-I will find Dr. Laura today.
"he says he wants to share
"he says he wants to share the fruits of his labor with his kids and he has asked them to be kind to me-but they are adults and he can't force them to listen to him"
Understandable but there is a difference between sharing the fruits of your labour and being taken advantage of. How are these young adults going to get to said vacation spot, who's going to be buying the food and drinks? What about activities, is dad supposed to finance that as well?
It might also be worthwhile to point out that he can't force you to listen to him either.
disengage!
Yup!
Agreed!!!
You are doing the right thing
You are doing the right thing.
It's hard on your husband because he's needing to make changes in the relationship with his kids. He's enabled them for so long! He's paying the price for that, and it is causing resentment. His kids are no longer able to take advantage of him and they're mad about it. And you are the easiest target.
You are fortunate that your husband is willing to make changes and work through issues with a counselor. He clearly loves you!
What's interesting is that
What's interesting is that this is you and H's vacation home, its not solely his so you are in your rights to say no to them using it and not feel guilty. They are grown and if they want a vacation home so badly than maybe they should invest in one instead of smooching off of you and their father. They have self-entitlement issues and they need to grow the h@ll up.
Stand your ground! No one that is disrespectful of you deserves to be compensated for something you worked hard for.
They're stalling and creating
They're stalling and creating drama so dad doesn't sell the family home. The vacation home should be your haven and off limits to disrespectful skids. DH and I recently bought an "ours" home and only a few people close to us (and now all of you) know about it. Skids are completely in the dark and we're keeping it that way as long as possible because I know and I suspect DH knows that skids will throw huge tantrums knowing daddy is really starting a life w/someone new.
I can tell you from
I can tell you from experience they will use you as much as they can and that will never help the situation-- if they are jealous of you. You will never do enough or give enough (though they will continue to keep taking). Just stop, you are on your way to healing now. Let him deal with his dysfunction away from you; no more drama in anything YOU own. After you stop, the truth emerges; sometimes I think they are jealous of daddeee too. These daddeees are not parents really; they lack all skills. Count your blessings every day they are not talking to you!
Thank you!
I so appreciate all input I've received! You all are full of experience and that is great for me! So I will continue to stay disengaged and I won't feel bad about it or feel I'm the mean one-which I have thought. I will stand my ground on no respect then no visitations to our house (which my husband and I equally own). I feel more confident with my decisions and I am not wasting my time worrying about these adult stepkids-I will let my husband handle them. Thank you all again.
keep your boundaries
Do not cave in. My husband sounds just like yours, loving, generous and willing to see a counsellor. However that counteracts his behaviour when it is to do with one the step kids, where he has a blind spot. He then becomes defensive, enabling and distrustful.
Earlier on in our relationship, I used to drop my boundaries as he was so generous and caring. I no longer do that. It led to a dark road where I could hardly recognize myself. The step kids would keep pushing for more and more until you totally lose your ground. Stay strong, guard what is important to you! Being loving and caring is what every husband should be to his wife. It does not mean that I have to put up with rubbish from his children.
going to therapy could be his
going to therapy could be his "job".
I swear I've read this before, lol.
No, not too harsh.