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Adult stepdaughters are upset

lovemydog's picture

Their father, my SO, has always been extremely close to his nephews. The nephews are into hunting, fishing, camping, etc. His nephews are slightly older than his 2 daughters. His youngest daughter is 35 and the oldest is 38. Now that the girls are older, it seems as if they suddenly have resentment over how much their dad spent with the nephews when the girls were younger, and how much he spends with them now. The youngest wont talk to us. She claims her father shows no intetest in her life and she is disengaged. She is successful in her career, never married, no kids. The oldest gets upset with him over the smallest things. For exple, her dad went on a big hunting trip in canada for 2 weeks. When he returned, he went hunting with his nephews the next day. Oldest daughter threw a fit over him not calling her to let her know that he made it home, but he had enough time to call his nephews.

The latest issue is xmas. Over the past 3 years, the family goes to his older nephews house on xmas eve. Both daughters have never liked oldest nephews wife, claiming she is obnoxious to them. I must admit, ive seen her be obnoxious to ppl when wr go out with them to a bar, so i dont think the girls are lying. Because of this, the girls dont go over there on xmas eve. And on xmas day, SO and i leave town for my family gathering. This past xmas eve, we stopped by older daughtetrs house to exchange presents. We then went on our way to nephews gathering. Older daughter is now upset that we spent 20 minutes with her and her family on the holidays, but 3 hours at nephews. She claims we see the nephews more than her, and therefore, we should spend time with her on xmas eve.

Its like we cant win. So fed up. I would love to disengage, but older daughter does have a son whom i absolutely love.

peacemaker's picture

Best thing to do when it comes to relationships is to take all titles out of the formula...No ex this or step that or whatever....One powerful tool that helped me was to realize that I have a relationship with each person God has allowed in my life and "It is what It Is" based on who they are and who I am and what we contribute to the relationship...The minute you allow someone to compare themselves ...It is a trap because there is always a winner and a loser when you compare...I have 3 skids and my relationship with them is all different...I have 3 bio kids and my relations with each one of them is all different.....That way the relationship can stand on it's own merit...Otherwise, it is amazing what all kids try to get aways with because after all....we are "Family"....this way....they are responsible for themselves and they have to own their choices....That is real life...don't let them play the jealousy card comparing time frames...it is just a venue to create false guilt...When people are not going to follow God...they have to resort to head games.....

...also, their emotional state is not your problem...I can't tell you how many times I have seen people use the "I'm mad or upset" card to manipulate others...don't buy it...Otherwise if you respond to their upsetness...they will just use it over and over again to manipulate you...Someone is always mad about something in life...you cannot make everyone happy, and in some cases...you cannot make anyone happy....(that's not your job)...re-focus and move forward....

lovemydog's picture

Im not sure they are being manipulative though. Are you seeing them in a diffrrent light? I think they are genuinely upset, but maybe i am being naieve. Also, im not sure how telling someone that you are "mad" or "upset" is manipulative? I say those words to my SO and it is because im trying to express how i feel, not because i want to manipulate him.

peacemaker's picture

....I don't believe that being upset about something is being manipulative....first of all, you have to look at why you are upset when it comes to involvement or uninvolvement of another person....for example...they are upset because they are not satisfied with someone else's performance why? Sometimes we put unrealistic expectations on other people to validate our identity, in other words, we allow someone else the authority to give us what only God can define as who we are..thus, empowering the ability for that other person to effect how we see ourselves...therefore, taking an internal problem and externally placing it on someone else...the result being ...we are upset with that other person, not being who we want them to be or performing the way we want them to perform...Once you are "upset"..., now, with the other person,...what do you expect them to do or change that will make you feel better? Once it goes to that level of expecting someone else to change, then, yes, it becomes a form of manipulation and an effort to use your upsetness to control the behavior of others....placing the ability of you being happy on them... I am all for communicating with my spouse, what things are upsetting to me, but, I am learning to look deeper at what the real issue is.. Why I think the way I do...and then out of that...we project our inner issues out onto others in the form of blame/misjudgments onto them, therefore expecting them to have to change in order to make us feel better...When, in reality, it isn't their problem at all...it is mine to deal with...otherwise we let (blame and control) influence the way we see everything...In other words..."I am upset, so it must be someone else's fault...While in reality I am upset and I need to look at myself and figure out the real reason of why....The reality is...ALL PARENTS fail their children...I have not yet met the perfect parents...But as Adults...the skids and all of us need to own our lives and take responsibility for ourselves in who we are and what we are here for....and only God himself, the one that created you can answer that....

lovemydog's picture

That was deep! You women on this website are so kind and very emotionally mature. I want to thank each one of u for taking time to respond. All of u have given great advice that i keep reading over, and no matter how many times i read these responses, i find something new to absorb.

For anyone interested, i have an update. The SD that we havent seen or spoken to in a year did reply to my merry xmas email. In the email, i wished her a merry xmas and told het to stop by if she wants her xmas gifts ( always give the girls money), and how we havent seen or heard from her in a long time but we love her.

She was nice in her respose i suppose but it still hurt. She said she is not interested in the xmas gift but thanked us for it anyhow. She then went on to say that she also loves us, but she has had a rough year and is concentrating on getting herself out of a rut that she has been in due to unforseeable circumstances. She then went on to say how she is sick of family drama and that she cant deal with certain ppl right now. She said her sister is too backstabbing to her, which is true. That her sisters husband is very rude (also true). That she doesnt understand why her dad spends more time with the cousins in one season than he has with her in 5 years, and how she is sick of not getting invited to family functions because we assume she wont go, and how she rarely attends family functions because of all the gossiping and backstabbing that takes place- which could have been a jab at me.

Ahh i dont know if or when she will evet come around. And we dont know what has her in a rut and stressed this year, but we will just follow her lead.

Orange County Ca's picture

Your husband has clearly missed not having boys to raise and teach his outdoor ways. It seems to me that your solution is clear - let Daddy and his girls work it out. I don't see him changing his ways so likely as not they'll stay estranged until he does but I don't see how you can successfully do anything to help.

In fact if you get too mixed up in it everyone could turn on you. Continue your relationship with the boy and encourage your husband to do the same explaining how important it is that the boy learn the families outdoor traditions. "Hey kid lets kill some deer for supper" or whatever.

hastin17's picture

Maybe encourage your SO to speak to the daughter's and make amends. The youngest maybe have him really find out what he did wrong and apologize for it so she can move the hell on. Tehy are in their 30's?? are u actually for real?!

Then with the eldest one not attending things becuse of this and that person.. holidays she should bite her tongue. And her too, dad should speak to her and try to make amends...

It comes down to this; obviously dad is atleast 50 and damn right he needs to be doing things for himself, and do what he wants to do. He's worked hard his whole life and probably catered around to them etc. So if he wanted to go hunting for six months why is it any of her business.. She's clearly jelous of their relationship. Maybe dad shuold find out what the expectations of him are to her? Because dad is a guy so does she want him to choose btw come over and sit around for a tea party with her son or going hunting with his newphew he's going to go hunting.

It sounds like they both need to seriously give him a break. and your SO is entitled to do whatever the hell he wants now, and not have these mid thirty aged kids whining about it?!?

He can make time for them too but maybe THEY should try and do things with dad that DAD wants to do.

Hey thats what I do with my dad now, because he spent years doing what I wanted. lol!

lovemydog's picture

Thank u everyone! Id first like to apologize for grammar errors. English is my second language and even more difficult for me type this all out via small keypad on phone.

Ive been down in the dumps about everything because in a sense i feel bad for them. I have 2 nieces that are the same age and both my nieces are soooo close to their parents. My sister would do anything for her girls and so would their dad. Isnt that how a well functioning family acts? Is it normal for a parent to choose to spend time with a niece or nephew over your own blood? Is it normal for a dad to go hunting at every opportunity, leaving teen girls at home with grandma or gpa? That is how it was for them, and now my SO wonders what he had done wrong. Im stuck because in a way, i feel bad for them. My own father and i were nevet close per se, but he still called me on occadision to see how i wad doing and occSionally asked me to join him for lunch.

jumanji's picture

Did he ever try to take his daughters hunting? When they were little? Or did he just figure it was "a guy thing"? Girls hunt, too.

godess-clueless's picture

Most people seem to gravitate towards others who have shared interests. My own father always did more with the brothers. They had common interests. The girls in the family spent little time with dad unless they were interested in doing "guy things"

If your husbands girls were really interested in spending more time with him they would have to take up a few of his interests. Maybe they are just not that interested in hanging out with dad. It is always easier to get together and have a bitch fest because they feel slighted.

hereiam's picture

Why can they not talk (not throw a fit) to their dad and tell him how they feel? Do they call him? Invite him to lunch? It sounds like your DH is just not comfortable with them and they have some long time resentments built up.

My SD22 is very jealous of my niece11. My husband adores niece11 and actually calls her the daughter he never had. That's because SD22 has treated him like crap for the last 7 years and even before that, she treated him different (due to BM's lies, I'm sure). Niece11 loves him and shows it.

But SD won't do anything about it and I don't feel sorry for her. Well, sometimes I feel a little sorry for her but then she tries to manipulate my DH and she just pisses me off. She does call him (and he calls her) but they have little to talk about and the conversations can be quite ridiculous.

It's not my relationship to fix, so I just stay out of it.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Sometimes we need to take the mirror off the wall and hold it in front of our partner's/spouse's face.

Your SO has two daughters, now adults. What has he done to develop a relationship with them? They obviously aren't interested in hunting. I am sure there is something they can do together as father/daughters. My dad was a hunter, but I sure as heck never would have wanted to go with him. He did, however, make my sister and I welcome out in the garage and showed us how to do stuff on the car or how to saw pieces of wood, fix something, etc. Those are all things that have benefited me in life and helped forge our relationship.

Although he absolutely hated shopping, he made it a point to take me for a walk to my favorite store once in awhile and let me shop around and buy something. My father has been dead for more than 25 years but I still fondly and vividly remember those times together with him.

Your SO's daughters may or may not have experiences like this. It's never too late for him to try and make similar memories with them.

In this case, the best you can do is try to help your SO to understand how his daughters feel. I understand he likes to hunt, as do the nephews, but that is not all there is to life. There has to be some sort of activity that he can do with his daughters.

jumanji's picture

Good points. I know that my kids resent that their Dad never took an interest in what they enjoyed, but insisted they participated in his interests. He lived on a lake, and he insisted they learn to sail. They did, but didn't love it. They wanted to go fishing, but he wasn't into it. So... no fishing. Our daughter is an athlete, passionate about her sport - he had no interest in finding out about it, asking her about it, watching her play. His SD danced at the time - he was keen on that. Okay. Funnily enough - she now plays the same sport our daughter does. Guess who is an "expert"?

Similar experience for our son.

With other experiences they've had with their Dad? It should be no shock to anyone they're not keen on him....