Adult stepchildren from hell (minus the warm fuzzy)
New to this so my apologies for not knowing the lingo. But I’m desperate for input. Met my partner 10 years ago. I was ending my first (only) marriage and he was just out of his second marriage. I have 2 adult children in 20’s. One has PhD in law from Oxford and other is Engineer. Both are loving, have had jobs since they were 15 and own their own homes with their own money. They bought old homes (all they could afford), read online how to make repairs and then bust their butts replacing flooring, building walls, etc on their own. I raised them to work hard and appreciate how fortunate they are to have been born in a country which affords them all life has to offer. They work hard but also have been fortunate to be able to travel ( by train staying in hostels and eating bread) loving every minute as they see this great planet.
My partner also has two kids. Twins, 25 years old. And quite different. Their mom left him when they were just 5 years old. So he doesn’t have much parenting experience (went years with little interaction due to losing his business, leaving the state and remarrying). He agreed to pay $4000/month until they were 23 and once he regained his business he also started paying for their private schools, cars and another $100k/yr in “salary” since they turned 14. They also get unlimited free flights to anywhere in the world for themselves and their friends and he pays for their apartment in San Francisco (yup-most expensive place in USA) with a maid service, two new cars, a motorcycle and vacations to Europe, Asia, you name it. His daughter got thrown out of high school a couple times and eventually he put her in a boarding school so someone else could raise her (his ex never wanted kids -they paid a surrogate to have them) and the son has dropped /flunked out of 4 universities. You get the picture. He works in Alaska and kids live in CA. I live in New York. He comes to see me once a month or I go to AK. In between he flies his private airplane to see his kids. Usually 2X/month! Right now he’s in Utah skiing with them and their boyfriend and girlfriends (he paid $8000 for two suites for the kids and their boyfriend/girlfriend). Here’s the rub - his company is losing money like crazy. And no change in support of kids. We tried to have a melded family but that ended quite terribly. His daughter (18 at the time) ended up drunk and stammering in a bar with my daughter (23) begging her to come back to the hotel. Police were called after she did damage to the hotel. Her father hugged her because she cried. Said he knew she was “beating herself up inside”. My kids joked that if they’d ever done anything nearly as bad they’d prefer jail time over having to explain it to mom. His son has no job and simply sits in his luxurious apartment all day overlooking the San Francisco Bay.
My partner has asked me many times to marry. We get along well and rarely argue. Although his income is considerably more than mine, we split the bills when we go out and he only contributes a couple hundred dollars per month towards our utilities (our primary home). I pay the mortgage and taxes myself. He’s offered more but it was more like “...if you need more, let me know how much”. If he truly wanted to contrive more he could simply hand me more. Why ask exactly how much I require for his use of my home? During one visit I brought up getting a job. That didn’t go over well. When they wrecked their car I told him that when someone hit my daughters car she went to a junk yard and fixed it herself with some friends and spray paint. They laughed every time they drove that old car. Not his kids. He refuses to say anything. We all went to the Olympic in London. Thought it would be fun as a group. His kids complained because they had to share a room with my kids(I was paying for the rooms). Their dad then got them boxed seats for opening ceremony ($1200 each ticket). He also offered them to us but we declined. I wouldn’t be able to sleep after seeing that much money spent on a single event that lasts a couple hours which could buy a car or feed a hundred kids for a year. Instead me and my kids wrapped ourselves in red white and blue garland and danced outside the stadium with fellow non ticket holders watching the opening ceremony on big screens. Had a blast!
So what’s the issue? My partner is deeply in love with me. I know that. But his having to constantly fly 4000 miles every few weeks to bail them out/visit with his kids and paying all that money while his company is failing is driving me crazy. His kids don’t like me and have asked him to find someone else. They don’t want me around and that’s fine with me because watching the insanity in person makes me crazy. I try to block it from my mind but obviously that filter isn’t working. He’s great to my kids and I’m sure the dichotomy between our kids isn’t lost on him. But yet he doesn’t do anything to change it. And if he gives my kids $100 for a birthday gift he reminds me of it constantly. My daughter wanted to come home from college and he gave her a free frequent flier ticket 6 years ago. That was wonderful and she made sure it was off peak and used the mimimum amount of miles. Meanwhile his son flew 3 of his “friends” round trip in first class seats to see him for just 24 hours and used up 6 times the amount of miles...and yet my partner reminds me that he once gave my daughter a free ticket. Drives me nuts. I speak up and he gets angry. Tells me it’s his kids and his money so I have learned to shut up. He’s right. They aren’t my kids and it isn’t my money but if he goes bankrupt then who’s going to support him?? Certainly not his kids. I have a good paying job and do fine. Not on his scale but I have no need for someone to pay my bills. I can do just fine on my own.
So what do I do? Suck it up and simply wait until he’s either bankrupt or back on his feet financially while the kids continue to drain him? Or leave a 10 year relationship which is very good (other than the kids)?
I’m in my late 50’s and finding a new mate isn’t easy. Especially a good partner with so much in common. We truly enjoy our time together. It’s our time apart which is driving us apart.
Dear god - RUN. This man is
Dear god - RUN. This man is narcissistic and so are his children. This will be a nightmare marriage, I promise you can find someone better, or just be alone.
He abandoned his children, then created a sense of entitlement in them that he continues to fund with ridiculous amounts of money despite having a failing business, all while he's sponging off of you and reminding you of how good he is to your kids. This all screams narcissism to me.
Please don't marry him.
Thank you Tog redux and others!
Dear Lordy! I’m impressed. Without ever meeting this man or his children you’ve all managed to pick up on items I’d left out of the story. Amazing!
Yes, he’s definitely narcissistic. And yes, the kids are definitely poster children for the term “entitled”.
The good news is that I bought the house and it’s only in my name. His home in Alaska is a rental. We don’t commingle funds and I keep my financials to myself. And after reading everyone’s feedback, I definitely would not marry him. Thank you.
Now I need to put my big girl panties on and either learn to block any and all thoughts of his children from my head or walk away. In the mean time, I’ve decided to head out to a party this New Years. Who knows? Maybe while he’s out skiing with his silver spoon children I’ll meet the man of my dreams...
thank you to everyone who responded. You took the time to read my lengthy diatribe and gave me more insight than I’ve collectively had over the past 10 years. Thank you!
Your SO is financially
Your SO is financially irresponsible so it's no surprise that his adult kids are also irresponsible. And being that they're adults and living this way, chances of them becoming responsible adults in their lifetimes are slim to none. Do not tie yourself to this man through legal marriage unless you look forward to massive frustration and bankruptcy. Good job raising decent, responsible kids on your own.
Do you really want to fill in
Do you really want to fill in for him finacially when he goes bankrupt? Will you fill in for his wallet when his kids expect the same support when he goes bankrupt? They don't like you now as things are, they will hate you with a vengence when you won't support them and then what? He will feel pulled in two directions and you will have even more drama on your hands. He has a misplaced sense of responsiblity towards his kids and faulty thinking about what parenting adults looks like. Its hard to overcome that and his kids will struggle all their lives with it.
I really doubt you will have trouble finding someone else to have fun with. You just don't want to. I also think you need to take a hard look at what he brings to your life. How much time do you spend ruminating on the differences and failures of his??
You can do much better, you sound like quite a lady and you need to believe it so you find someone worth your time and efforts.
Welcome! Mahja!
Welcome! Mahja!
Do not marry him, do not co
Do not marry him, do not co-mingle investments, bank accounts or real property. You mention that you both have a “primary home” and he contributes a couple hundred dollars for utilities and you pay the mortgage. If both of you are on title together on that property he should be paying half the mortgage, half the property taxes and half the up keep, because if you ever sell if will expect half the sale proceeds.
Beyond that if you want to date him like you have been, continue but don’t do family vacations, just date.
His is not a good match for you to marry. If you are just dating you have no financial obligations to him when he finally goes broke. If he does own half of your place you may have to buy out his half when he does go broke and he can live elsewhere s he doesn’t free load off you.
Are you so afraid of being
Are you so afraid of being alone that you would settle for this? This guy is no catch even with his current fancy jet set lifestyle.
He is likely to go broke, you are not allowed to voice your opinion, he shows weak character in how he has raised his children. Why do you want this? Is there no one else you think you could have shared interests with?
I live in an area with a lot of retirees. I know several who met their partners in their 60's and later. I know several who are single and still pursuing their interests. You can have happiness with out this guy and his baggage.
I think you would be signing up for misery if you marry this guy. There's a good chance he would be marrying you to have someone to bail him out when he finaly goes under.
Testing...testing...
You vacillate from resentment to rationalization then end the post with a "fear" statement. Resentment is not a sound foundation for marriage. You and this man are clearly on very different wavelengths. I mean no malice in my words, but sister....heed the warnings here!!! Please read up on Narcissitic Personality Disorder asap.
"I live in New York. He comes to see me once a month or I go to AK." Mature, enduring love strengthens, survives and grows with the daily doldrums and give n takes of life - it takes this kind of commitment to make it through step hell with your soul in tact. You see each other 1x a month? You're still playing endorphin-adrenaline romance rush. You have yet to experience the real "lows" because of this inconsistent 13 moon tryst. This guy is going to bail as soon as marriage feels like mac n cheese. This is not a man who will compromise his indulgent tendencies or the habituated behaviors of his needy, greedy, entitled double-headed dragon. HE, "his" kids and "his" money will take prescedence over your happiness. "Tells me it’s his kids and his money so I have learned to shut up." Sheesh...if you can't speak your opinion now, you're going to be slowly thumb-squished into controlled complacency.
"I’m in my late 50’s and finding a new mate isn’t easy." When is it ever easy? Test those pre-wed waters fully before you jump in. "Especially a good partner with so much in common." Doesn't sound to me like you have much in common at all..especially at the "core values" level.
We truly enjoy our time together. It’s our time apart which is driving us apart. If you really believe this, insist that you live together...DAILY...for a few months and see how that fares. Who is going to have to move? Who controls the finances? Let it be an eye-opener.
You sound grounded and pragmatic, and you obviously raised your children with sound values. His kids sound like blinged-out, babied losers. Silver-spoon-fed parasites end up depressed because nothing "external" ever fills the dark hole of worthlessness at their core - he's cultured two more awful narcissists.
I have to ask...what was going on with you when you attracted this man? Are you a very giving, loving, bend-over-backwards to please individual? If so, you're a powerful magnet for a Narc. Please read up on NARCS, especially on their love-bombing behaviors and seduction tendencies.
Yup- Narcissists love me :-)
Where were you when I was looking for a great therapist? Your single response was better then 5 years of therapy with my ex
Although off topic, the narcissism is definitely there. And likely passed on to his silver spoon minions.
What I don’t understand is his behavior towards my kids. He texts and calls them daily, when my daughter authored her first book he was first to order it and when my other daughter split from her boyfriend he was first to hug her. And when I lost my job he was quick to offer me a position in his company (I did not accept). But he also surrounds himself with incompetent people who nod and agree with him rather than folks willing to speak up when he’s made a bad business decision. I thought doing this would bankrupt someone. I surround myself with the smartest, most talented staff I can find. And they’re always willing to disagree with me. But he’s made millions, flies his own jet and I’m still pulling my regular salary and drive a 2005 Honda with 297k miles. So maybe my logic is faultered? But things have taken a turn for him the past 3 years and although I feel horrible saying it, I hope in a way that his company does fail. And then his kids and friend (leech is more appropriate) would see what the real world is like. And maybe he’d hit rock bottom and a hard reboot might knock some sense into him when he sees who stands by him when he’s broken. Or his industry might turn around like he predicts and 2019 he makes loads more money and the kids continue their pursuit of living off of someone else. Odds are 50-50 based on market indicators that he comes out of this without a bankruptcy. Not so sure about me.
The question is - do I wait around to see how this movie ends?
No waiting
I vote run! Abusers dont change. Domestic Violence can help you plan a safe escape. With a narcissistic person, no contact after leaving is the only way to maintain peace, so you can heal.
If you decide to leave, arm yourself with understanding of narcissistic tactics. He will try to lovebomb n hoover you, may try to get your friends n loved ones to tell you what a victim he is, etc. Gain knowledge!!
He is future faking you about the business to get you to hope and stay, so he can continue use you as his dumping ground and punching bag emotionally.
You deserve PEACE!!! Life is too short to deal with chaos n disrespect, let alone abuse! I stayed way too long in my toxic marriage, hoping to encourage change. People without empathy do not ever change. Ever. I have been free for 1.5 years almost and I AM HAPPY!!! You can be too!!!
Honestly, relationships take
Honestly, relationships take work. Your partner is too busy working on bailing out his idiot kids to have time for a love relationship, much less a marriage. Other posters said it - narcs; get out!
Late 50s and older is not too late to find love. My widowed father remarried at age 86 and is very happy.
Control
"What I don’t understand is his behavior towards my kids. He texts and calls them daily, when my daughter authored her first book he was first to order it and when my other daughter split from her boyfriend he was first to hug her. And when I lost my job he was quick to offer me a position in his company (I did not accept). But he also surrounds himself with incompetent people who nod and agree with him rather than folks willing to speak up when he’s made a bad business decision." When you read up on narcissists you will probably find a description which is eerily similar to your BF. Your BF does these things because it's all about control. If you would have taken that job from him he would have constantly had his finger on you, as he tries to do with your kids. The people who work for him know better than to disagree with him because you never want to tell a narcissist that they are wrong or there is hell to pay. Fueling the narcissists' ego is a full-time endeavor. This is why he keeps bringing up the plane ticket. They want to hear how great they are over and over again.
If you carefully observe, in time you will see the small cracks in his 'persona' widen into big gaps where toxicity flows sometimes in a deluge. Seeing him only once a month will not allow you to see this. As another poster suggested you need to be with him for several days in a row. Then you will notice that he doesn't have close friends. Conversations center around himself. And you will be able to see an overwhelming hunger for control.
Please don't think that it is so hard to find suitable partners out there. Make a list of qualities you would like in a partner. The next time you meet a potential mate see how they compare with the list. You are worthy of a good quality relationship. There's nothing wrong with dating this man but don't sell yourself short.
Follow up
It's been 3 years and I'm reading my post again. The responses are simply incredible. The insight and recommendations are spot on. I don't know anyone on this site but yet you've all taken the time out of a likely extremely busy day to offer me help. I appreciate that. And your advice 3 years ago is just as valuable now as it was then. Thank you!
So what happened??
I'm just reading your initial post - it's like a plot from a "must read Beach novel"!! Please - tell us you DIDN'T marry this guy and bloodsucking offspring!!
Just No! Get on with your life with this shit show
Of a shallow and polluted gene pool in your past.