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Adult Step Daughter wants money

mommaofboys's picture

I am new to this but can no longer stand my SD. I have been married for 19 years and have 3 wonderful boys. When DH and I were newly married his ex-wife requested that he give up his daughter with her (she was 7) and give custody to her current husband. For the next 15 years we heard nothing until his ex divorced her husband. This is when it all began. My husband started talking and emailing his ex about his daughter and trying to catch up on her past. The mother would not allow the daughter to have any contact with my husband during this time.This went on for several years until she graduated hs and of course we were sent an announcement but not invited. Yes, he sent money. In 2008 the daughter decided it was time she met her father and me and the boys. Once she found out we purchased her airline tickets she mentioned to my husband that she had taken her adoptive father to court claiming he sexually abused her. He is in the Navy so this accusation was not takend likely. Anyway my husband had nothing to do with her, his ex of the husband for all those years so we could not figure out why he was being summoned to testify. They made him fly to Fl where he told them he knew nothign and flew him back. He later told me her adoptive father was found innocent. Great now she is in our lives and I absolutely hate her. I had no input to him signing the adoption papers and for 19 years we have been a happy and normal family. She visis once a year and now calls him dad. She is 24 and wears slutty clothes when she is around him. She claims she wants to be apart of our family however she does not acknowledge our childrens birthdays etc or even speaks to anyone but him. She is also always telling him how broke she is and basically what a loser her mom is with not job. We are financially very secure at the moment. I have the gut instinct to protect my childrens financial future. He acts like a little boy around her. When she is in the room we are all totally forgotten. Last Thanksgiving her had her show up at his parents house as a surprise. Well it was a surprise to me to....I have realized that I can't stand her and do not wish to ever acknowledge her relationship with my husband. That being said i feel as if there is no futuer for us. I want him to give her up again...I know he won't do that. Advice or comments please....Momma

mommaofboys's picture

He will never agree to counseling. He is retired from the Corps after 21 years. Hard core when it comes to feelings. Luckily she lives 9 hours away and this visit my boys are starting to ignore her(14, 10 and 3). I have not been going home til late each evening and then having to run boys to fb etc do not get home til late. I have been ignoring her this entire visit. I don't think my DH has a freaking clue what I am doing. I have already decided that if she is going to be at his parents for THanksgiving I will not be there. I know he feels guilty but HE made that choice on his own...I had absolutly no say and still do not. I think that is what irks me the most ... To me she is like a another woman in our home because we never raised her, visited her or had any contact with her still she was 20 yrs old. To see her try and cuddle with him on the couch makes me sooooo sick!!!!! The children and I are going home next week to my parents and Im afraid that when I return I will begin the divorce proceedings. Why couldn't she just stayed away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walker's picture

Your dh will never give her up. She only came into his life because she wanted something which she was getting from stepfather until he was taken out of the picture. Once she starts to ask for money and he gives it it will not stop. She will always need something or have some dilema. My concern is that she filed charges against sf for sexual abuse....charges later dropped.....serious business.....would watch my back if i were you ...maybe dh should also if he stops giving money ....just my thoughts ...good luck

Donnadreams's picture

Your husband is living a horrible guilt trip and I truly feel sorry for him. #1, he should have NEVER signed his parental rights over to his ex but he DID. Second, she has a right to access to her bio-dad. #3, none of this has to happen under your roof. I would sit your DH down and sternly tell him if he wants a relationship with HIS DD, then fine, but not under YOUR roof. He can meet her for dinners, etc. I would even go so far as to protect your money, make sure that there needs to be two signatures on all withdrawals of money or selling of bonds and stocks. That way, you are secure in the feeling that your children's financial futures are somewhat protected. I think with limited access to DH, his new daughter will tire of him when she finds out she's not going to get any money. Believe me, she will try so you need to be prepared. If DH gives you any trouble about this, tell him it's time to talk to a lawyer. That will bring him round. Trust me on this!

77myleso's picture

Oh, that is tough. Your husband is feeling guilty and I don't really know what you can do. If she only shows once a year is it something you can live with? I know how the "always asking Dad for money routine" goes. We have it with his youngest daughter who is 34! She goes through men
like water, moves in, moves out and she does it to herself.
Now she is living with her mother. And the drama keeps going. She also has a daughter. Would you want to talk with a professional? Keeping your family together is worth trying to work this out, right? I hope things go well for you and your children! I can totally understand your frustration and anger.

mommaofboys's picture

Thanks to all of you who offered advice and support. I wanted to post an update. A week ago my husband finally asked what my problem was with his daughter and boy did I unleash (of course he asked me this at 6 am while I am getting my chidlren ready to leave for the airport for vacation) We did not speak the entire week I was gone and on my return he wanted to continue the conversation. It got very nasty and he threatened divorce and then he would fight me with every penny he has for our current three children. No matter what I was not to call her any names because she was HIS blood no matter what. I decided at that time divorce was the only option. Then on Sunday he brought this up again and how he was only giving her money on her birthdays and holidays etc. Okay..I had a hunch he was not telling the truth so when he left to do an errand I pulled up some bank accounts I had not looked at in many years and discovered he had a regular monthly transfer to her account that was established the same year she reappeared. I came unglued and told him I wanted it stopped he said get an attorney if you want it stopped!!! He even called our children in and have me tell them that I was divorcing him all because I did not like HIS daughter and over a few hundred dollars a month. Then our children we angry at me for awhile. I was not ashamed of any of it. I felt relived telling them because I was 100% honest. I hate that girl!!! Now he is telling me to give it 30 days to cool down before I decided to file for divorce. He also said that he will give me what I want and break off all ties with her and stop all monies going to her bank account. He is also telling me to get my own checking account for my paycheck and whatever is left is all my mine to do with as I please. This has been an issue for many years....I am beginning to get suspicious and don't know what he is up to if anything....Somehow after all the things he said to me this past weekened about her has me wondering how he can let her go so easily......HMMMMMM

sandye21's picture

I would still see a lawyer and see what he/she says. The complete turn-around sounds a bit suspicious.

whitty's picture

This individual is disoreintated on relationships. His behavior is unacceptable and to proctect yourself get a lawyer and continue to make future plans without him until he gets professional help. His relationship with his daughter started on guilt, it appears that he has a unhealthy attachment/relationship and attraction. Another thing is that the daughter has a personality disorder to which she is confused. Much has to do with how a child was raised from infant to 7 yrs old. Neglect to an infant leading an ambivalent attachment with her mother as a toddler. She most likely fended for herself and picked up any emotional distresses from her mothe . As a child her needs were not met, therefore as she gets older she has a confusion to understanding why her needs were not met and how to get current needs met. As she gets old there is a higher possiblilty of severe depression leading to substance abuse and or suicide. She acts in a way that she felt gets her what she wanted. If she had to fend for herself she possibly turned to the opposite sex to fill those needs, sex for money, flirting for gain. Manipulating those that could possibly provide.
Her father out of guilt, tries to compensate for that missed time and everything her mother failed to provide emotionally. Men, are wired for a different level of intimacy than the mothers. Fathers are to provide guidence for their children after they establish the secure base with their mothers. Her behavior is confusing to him and his emotions confuse him as well. He does not have any experience in raising a little girl let alone handling a manipulative, emotional, hormonal young adult. He may not be able to distinguish her as his little girl but as a attractive young woman.
He may feel in the middle of everything. His wife pulling at one end and his daughter at the other. Under much stress most will give in the the easier side, rather than being threatened. Confused he should seek help. If he keeps going further without help I fear that his confusion and her manipulative behavior may evolve into a physically sexual relationship

emotionaly beat up's picture

Honestly, see an attorney. If he is capable of giving her a few hundred dollars a month for 3 years and not telling you, and then lying to your face and telling you he only gives her money for birthdays and Christmas, he is capable of lying about anything. Now she has the money windfall going into her bank account every month for no other reason than she is who she is, she is not going to take kindly to it being stopped. See an attorney. ASAP.

Can't help but wonder if she is getting money off the adoptive father as well. Your husband actually has no obligation to her whatsoever (moral sure) but legal NO. So money every month is a bit too much.