Adult step daughter problem
My adult step daughter (who is extremely rude on a good day) has begun blaming my husband for every little thing. We recently took a family holiday (at her request) and it was awful.
She has always been very opinionated, but now seems out of control with her verbal abuse. She is 29, recently split with her husband who was a nice guy, high earner (her words) But was not “doting” enough (again her words)
Her new relationship overlapped with her marriage, and she is basically now with a guy who seems to have brought out the more critical elements of her personality to the point where even her father said “I think the idea of holidaying with my daughter has run its course”. This is the third time we’ve done it and while I will always try to help out my husband I really hope we don’t do it again, at least not for a long time.
Her constant sniping, about everything her father said or did (even complaining that he had “forced” her to go to college) when talking about student loans she has (we are still paying off the first loan for the failed nursing degree, she has since started 3 more college courses and taken out loans herself before finally completing a degree) she says she is depressed, has a therapist and when her dad walked right in to the trap of asking “why do you need a therapist” she replied “because of you”!
In the past they have always seemed to have a good amount of closeness, he seems to have been a fair type of father, maybe a bit strict, but not in a restrictive sense of not allowing her to do things.
He hasn’t lived in the US for 10 years, and the relationship isn’t close in a “next door” type of way, but she seems to now blame him for every poor decision she’s ever made, for instance getting married at 20, divorced at 28 seems to now be his fault, despite the fact he tried to talk her into waiting a bit longer.
I have a psychology degree and see where I can help a little with some of the issues and if it was some who came to me as a stranger I would be happy to sit and talk and discuss, but with this situation I am really cautious about wading in too deep. Any thoughts would be good!
Do not get more involved you
Do not get more involved you are too close to be regarded as neutral counsel and if your advice isnt what they want to hear it becomes your fault.
Not your daughter...stay well
Not your daughter...stay well away from offering any help or advice.
Yes, just stay out of it and
Yes, just stay out of it and let DH work it out with his daughter. I do give my DH advice if he asks, but only once, and it's his choice whether he uses it or not. You can't fix their relationship for them.
I personally, though, would never take another vacation with her.
Nope, you cannot be her
Nope, you cannot be her therapist, in any way.
My SD28 acts the same way. Claims that DH was never there for her, was a horrible dad, blah, blah, blah. Well, you go on about your life, then, and we'll go on about ours. I would certainly never go on a vacation with my SD.
This is really not a step
This is really not a step-parent issue.. her guns are directed at her father. Clearly she is unhappy with the way her life is progressing.. and is loathe to accept any responsibility for her own poor choices and behaviors. She lashes out at your husband because he is a "safe target".. she doesn't worry he won't love her.. even when she is being a brat/biatch.
But.. again.. you are not in the line of fire.. and it would be a monumental mistake to try to put yourself in this situation in any way, shape or form.
I would not agree to any future trips with her. I would not agree to visits where there was no way to "escape" the situation.
If your husband complains about her... "sympathize with him" but say stuff like 'gee.. she must be really hurting from someting to lash out at you.. when you had nothing to do with her situation now". don't pile on slamming her... and if at all possible don't get into a discussion about it with him.
Do not get involved. No
Do not get involved. No matter how helpful an SM is, it will never be appreciated. Support your DH in his relationship with his DD, but do not get involved! Make sure your DH understands respectful boundaries and does not take disrespect from her.
Definite Conflict of Interest Here, Do Not Lend Your Services
offer a referral for her. The therapist she's using may not be effective. Cognitive restructuring therapy or Gestalt may be better suited. She sounds a bit "classic narc" as they can NEVER ACCEPT their role in any scenario, or take responsibility for their actions.DO NOT LEND YOUR EXPERTISE. Everything will shift from DH's fault to resting squarely on YOUR SHOULDERS. Do yourself this favor and keep quiet.
Don't offer her your help/expertise
I can hear your desire to assist to try to get this family back to where it used to be, but there needs to be an admission that there is a problem from both sides. Perhaps DH would be a willing participant, however, as SD is caught in daddy blaming, may not. The last thing you want is where her negativity is directed squarely at you - some of us here know that all too well and I fear that would be the likely outcome for you.
The best thing to do would be to support your DH in his 'healthy' relationship with his daughter.
Id say research and learn about these dynamics
Stay away, and eucate your husband on what is going on, this will help him take the emotion out of it.
Tell him about personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and how they act out as victims. Talk about things conversationally, and non accusatory but do not involve yourself, or you will be seen as the enemy.
I have an SD, Feral Forger SD20, and she has NPD, and she also currently blames DH for all her problems (including stealing and drugs, incessant lying and issues with her mother who she lives with...the sky is gray, its cold, whatever she blames it on DH).
It is a familiar tome that we all have read from at one time or another. its straight from the Toxic SD playbook, and its pretty sterotypical.
Sorry for all this drama. Def do not take her on any more trips!
not your problem
your sd is not your daughter and not your problem.
more and more i just sit back and watch my skids get the consequences of their poor or cruel actions. all of my skids are likely mentally ill in the personality disorders. husbands ex is likely npd, as well.