Adult SD34, 3 SGKids13,11,8, her current Fiance and their new baby(SGD6months) living with us
I married my nextdoor neighbor,an amazing single mom with 2 adult SKids and a teen SS15 and 4 SGDs,SGS on the way,at the time of our marriage. She is twice divorced and each child has a different Biological father. My wife is a good woman and I have met or spoke with the SD34 and YSSs Bios. They are not good men nor husband's much less father's. Until I came into the picture my Wife had been a single mom for almost a decade and had always been the primary breadwinner. She and I had coffee together practically every Saturday and Sunday morning for a year and when we decided to become a couple we were both deeply madly in love. Approximately 4 years into our marriage SDs husband and BD or 2SGKids abandoned them on base and cancel their housing upon returning from deployment. My wife went and got them and brought them home to our 1300sqft 3 bdr/2b home. We paid for her divorce $7K, and ran up the CC we had just paid off a few months prior. SD has always been a military wife/mom no work experience, HS education, no jobskills. Very soon it was apparent that the SD would run to Mom and tattle on me for anything I might do that could foment an argument. Like driving our vehicle which I help pay for with the AC on and windows down.Yes wife is that OCD and SD is that petty.The 3SGKids destroyed the guestroom and living room we had just spent probably $4K replacing the sofa and she decorated both. SDs biodad refused them any arrangements to stay with him despite having a larger home and he does nothing to help his bio daughter and GKs. Fast forward 4 years. SD34 and 3 SGKids still here, new fiance of SD has lived here for over 2 years almost 3 now, he has a daughter who stays here about a third of the time. AND they got pregnant and had another child now 6 months old to boot. SD lives hear free and Fiance/newBD pays $100 a week R&B. SD is well, slovenly, will not wash dishes, do housework, doesn't work, took 9 months to finish a 6mo cosmetologist course, that was 2 years ago and she still hasn't taken the Boards for her license. They have no vehicle and haven't saved anything or made any progress toward becoming actual real life grown ups. NONE. I was laid off from the oilfield this May. Wife is disabled. New fiance/SGD6mo has racked up about$3K in debt with us and while he loves my SGKids and SD he's a big dumb animal type, mid 20s with maturity of 16 yr old and no concept of handling money or budgeting but he works every day and deposits 100% of his paycheck in SD/his account.meanwhile she does,well nothing, at least as little as possible. I will not go to any details because it is shameful. Wife and other 2 SKids are not like that. Now I am no prize to be sure but every paycheck I have ever earned I deposit to our account, I've no degree and have always worked construction and oilfields. Jobs which end and require I find more work. I even gave plasma to ensure that my family had food and other necessities.But I have been unemployed from time to time.Primarily because my wife can't understand the difference between nursing vs construction job security and that I need a personal work vehicle to guarantee consistent employment so I am forced to take only jobs that provide company trucks.The fighting over this has wrecked my relationship, marriage, life etc. And my wife is quick to make it obvious that I can get over it or go pound sand. I haven't even been able to purchase a personal vehicle for myself because of my wife and the financial strain of my SD and her spawn. So I can't even cut bait and leave. If I do I will be leaving with nothing. I do love my wife, and my SFamily but this has been going on for over half of our now 8 years of marriage and whenever I try to say anything or go on a rant because the sink is full of dirty dishes, the fridge is empty and SD is playing video games I'm the AHole and I can leave if I don't like it. My wife hasn't even regularly been on intimate terms with me in 4 years.maybe a peck her and they,no real kiss.maybe 2 dozen sexually intimate encounters in 4 yrs since this begin.And she rarely will tell me she loves me. Please help me save my marriage. If I leave they wil not be able to make ends meet and they'll loose everything.Those SGKids will be homeless.And I believe in my vows and want my wife. Now like I said I'm no bargain/prize but SKids bioDs never supported her or their kids ever. 1st one beat her as she held his son, second wanted to stay home and her support him, third went to prison for something unmentionable. I have done more for the SKids than their own fathers but I get treated like a disposable, income earning, temporary fixture. What hurts the most is that as horrible, even criminal, as the BioDs were. I'm called horrible things and told anything I have done wrong in the past is constantly throw in my face and ANY disagreement at all results in nuclear option for my wife, divorce. Please forgive my loooong post. Please forgive my stupidity at refusing to give up. Please tell me what you think about this situation and how I can hopefully save my marriage and family. And please don't hesitate to be hard on me with your opinions/advice/anecdotes
Honestly I don't think there
Honestly I don't think there is any saving that marriage. Your wife sees you as a paycheck and she likes to also keep you depend on her not allowing you a car ect..that's it. Time to find any work you can and completely separate finances so you can work on an exit plan
Leaving with nothing sounds
Leaving with nothing sounds infinitely preferable to staying in this situation. Why are you still there and carrying all the rest of those useless wasters?
Your wife is not amazing. She
Your wife is not amazing. She's an enabling mother who doesn't care about your needs or feelings, and is using you for your paycheck. It's not your wife's job or SD's father's job to rescue a grown adult and care for them (what you see as being a bad father, I see as having good boundaries).
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that none of her previous partners were as abusive as she painted them to be, given how she treats you, a non-abusive man. She's one of those people who is a chronic victim and is never accountable for herself in any way.
What happens after you leave her isn't your responsibility - please get yourself out of this toxic marriage.
This is NOT normal.
You are wasting your love and your time on this woman, and are being ABUSED.
You need to save yourself from this group of dysfunctional low class loser users. There's no marriage to salvage, and you are NOT family to these people - just an atm. I know that's hard to hear and I'm sorry, but you have to get brutally honest with yourself and stop hoping things will get better. I used to desperately want to be part of my H's family, and they exploited that so I know a little of what you're feeling. But the truth is, your wife doesn't love you or cherish your marriage the way she ought to. No doubt she knows EXACTLY what buttons to push and things to do to keep you tractable and performing like a circus monkey.
Find a job and a room to rent or friend to crash with. Most of us have had to rebuild our lives a time or two, and you can do it. You deserve and can find better, but not as long as you stay where you are.
Go see a lawyer. You need
Go see a lawyer. You need legal advice. Your situation may not be as bad as you think. If your name is on the house, the court can force the sale and you can get your portion of the sale.
Biodad saw this train wreck and refused to be part of it. Smart man. Take a lesson from him. Extricate yourself (with lawyer help) from this mess and don't look back. It will be hard at first, but your life will get better. If you stay, your life will get worse.
1. Single moms are women who decided to have a child WITHOUT bio dad knowing she was pregnant. Also, without any emotional or financial help from bio dad. ---I have a funny feeling your wife was never a 'single mom'. Divorced mom or unwed mom---but single mom, nah.
2. It is not your moral obligation to take care of her kids or grand kids.
You should make an appointment with a lawyer.
Not worth saving
If your story is accurate, there is no saving this marriage. You can stay and be abused and unappreciated, or you can leave and build yourself a better life. I don't think your wife is the victim she pretends to be, and the SD is a series of bad decisions and old enough to get her crap together and start making better choices. Same for SD fiance. The unfortunate victims here are the little ones, but you cannot save them. That is the job of their parents. If a couple of them could be "saved" maybe you can attempt a relationship with them after you've re-established yourself in a better situation. Why do you want a save a loveless, sexless, abusive marriage? And why do you want to be part of a horrible family like this? Do you feel lucky to have these people in your life? Is this what you think life and family is supposed to be like? It's not.
My ex husband knew he was divorcing his exwife After
Their 3rd kid was born it was bloody obvious nothing had changed or would change and the crazy bitch was out to sabotage his career despite my husband being the sole income earner.
he initiated divorce when youngest skid was 3 yrs old. You just realize you are being used and abused and that won't change. Even my husband knows marriage intimacy takes precedence over providing a roof for grown arse adults who are popping babies out like friggin candy.
you put your foot down now and you know the sob stories will come out and the manipulation etc. a little bit of "mum look he wants to kick your kid and grandkid to the kerb" or "you won't ever see us again!!".
how can any intimacy happen when you have that many people living there. We just bought a new home i. My country early this yr that will remain skid free. I don't want any of hubbys kids there as they sre such toxic miserable useless lazy failure to launch waste of space individuals!! My home is my sanctuary, your's is daily torture!!!
Thanks
Thank you all for your advice and reading my long ass post. I've started to leave on 2 occasions and both times I discovered the bank account locked so I had no access to anything and my phone turned off. Recently I was offered work in a contract position requiring my own vehicle and there was such wailing and knashing of teeth you wouldn't have believed it. Because I needed the vehicle to support them. So I just spent 3 days sleeping in our vehicle in the driveway and local park awaiting my tests for employment. Time comes to get the test and the police department shows up and holds me up till I miss the appointment and the job. Of course I had done nothing and they agreed that I was in the right, which made wife and evil SD livid. But they had succeded in the goal of me missing the opportunity. And opportunity is a rare mythical beast for a fella like me. She wants me gone but she wants me to suffer as much as possible. She wants me to leave with no means of transportation or means of supporting myself. I'm tempted to pack a ruck and hump it out of this hell but at the same time I have started over with nothing so many times already in my 5 decades on this rock that I am not sure another is in me.
What?! How did she lock the
What?! How did she lock the bank account, aren't you the breadwinner? Set up another account now and start diverting some of your money there, or stockpile cash. Carefully get any important papers out of the house and give them to a trusted friend, or get a safety deposit box.
Don't signal your plan to leave, just make plans and go without her knowing. My DH had to do this to get away from his ex-wife, because she also would have prevented him from leaving somehow. Is the car in your name? Then you have the right to take it.
Take your life back from this abusive woman. Marriage vows aren't meant to keep people in abusive situations.
Full disclosure
I don't consider myself a good man but I try real hard to be. I've never cheated on her although I did play around with those hookup sites out of lonesomeness a few times.i never payed so I could only flirt with the bots on the sites I guess I just needed to feel like someone wanted me. But I never met or had any contact with anyone. I know it was wrong. I was weak. I'm sure that she has amassed a plethora of "evidence" I've noticed after even during certain arguments where she stated wildly inaccurate or outright lies that she or one of my steps were recording and I have begun doing the same. I know I'm a rookie at the whole marriage/divorce game she is playing and I don't see this ending well for me no matter what the outcome is. Worse I have to break my vows to divorce her and I told her when we engaged I was doing it once and once only and if it took me living in the shed we were going to care and support each other and the kids and gkids and honor our vows otherwise don't say yes. I made that point repeatedly. I'm old fashioned to the point of anachronism I know.
Given how she has treated you
Given how she has treated you, I reckon you're off the hook with your vows. Why are you holding yourself to such high standards? You only live once. As for their claims of recording you... What utter crap. You have to stop caring. Let them think what they want.
Drain the bank account, say nothing, and leave! Put yourself first for once! Get your self respect back! Life doesn't have to be so miserable!
I'm all used up
I'm sorry, please forgive me.I just want to be loved.im no prize for sure but I don't want to continue living if I my choices are:
Leave with nothing after giving all I had to give.
Stay and not be loved.Not be kissed, Not be able to hold her.never being held.told I can't use the vehicle. Told I have to get certain things done and everything with the house fixed and then she will try to love me again. living a marriage of no compromise"If you don't like it you can leave", being so obviously not worthy of love when I am so starved for it I would tolerate the treatment I do if I could just feel loved. Knowing that everyone in the home has no respect or feeling for me and that when I end it no one will cry, no one will ever miss me, I will be gone from this earth with no trace because I gave up the chance to have offspring when I married her, realizing that every relationship I always went all in and gave myself completely, but it was always not enough, knowing she remaind faithful to pedophile husband for 8 years knowing he molested her oldest son and I am less worthy of her love than that, knowing that I am so broken that I would put up with everything going on and be such a whipped nagged used man no one even feels sorry for if she even just acted like she loved me, knowing that I so unloved I have willingly left myself no protection whatsoever because she showed me affection and I felt loved,
If I could leave with my tools, a vehicle,and something to start over with, perhaps the 7k spent on the daughter's divorce paid back, something to let me know there is some kind of fairness or chance for it in this world otherwise I'd rather not live in it anymore. Knowing she'd spend on the lawyer for a divorce but wouldn't let me purchase a vehicle, I have nothing in my name, when I try to do whatever project needs to be done she will put up obstacles and cause such resistance to completion of the project i expend more on fight her than the project and it becomes futile to me and I just give up.
Futile, that's my answer. So, I give up
Call a lawyer and see your
Call a lawyer and see your doc about getting screened for depression. You feel like your situation is hopeless but I doubt it is...
Time to end your own
Time to end your own voluntary victim bullshit in all of this. Quit buying into the toxic harpies manipulations and end them as an influence in your life. Permanently.
Do whatever it takes to leave. Take the car, withdraw every penny of cash you can, load up every credit card and get out. Leave the State, start your new life.
NOW!
I know its hard to give up
I know its hard to give up everything you've worked for even if it didn't turn out like you wanted.
My husband has done construction/manual labor jobs his entire life. I know its hard not having steady employment. You live from job to job. I also know that manual labor jobs are incredibly tiring. You get so physically tired that when you get home you just want to relax and not deal with anything else. Even handling your own money can seem like too much effort sometimes. Somehow though you have to find the strength to go beyond all that to improve your own life. You have to take back the power to control your own money, move out, get a divorce, ignore their manipulations, etc. You can't give up. Start by trying to imagine what your life could look like if you were to start over. Work for that goal.