Adult SD issues with lying

Forums:

So I'm new to the forums. So nice to find somewhere to talk to other step-parents!

Bit of background. I have 2 steps, and the relationship between them/me/dh has been chaotic. Their mother is pretty much crazy and caused so many issues. Looong story. Ss 17 has no contact with us as he thinks that every thing that has ever gone wrong in his life is dh.

So Sd is 19. When she was 17 she left her mother (2 hours drive) and moved in with us. She had finished yr 12 and was enrolling in uni. Dh was so proud. We took her driving and bought her a car.

Once at uni, dh was of the opinion that she was an adult now, uni is her responsibility ect. So we did not monitor her uni work. I would ask how she went and she was always evasive, but then we have a lifetime of being evasive. Was drummed into them since birth to never reveal anything. I would say things like 'don't you have uni today?' she would say oh watching it online. Always adamant she was doing well and passing.

So anyway she should now have completed her second year. I say should. We discovered 2 weeks ago that she failed last semester and then just pretended to go this semester. I found out this week she also failed first year and is actually excluded from attending for 12 months.

So pretty much the whole time she has been here she has lied. She even lied when she admitted she was pretending to go and assured us she passed last year. Dh is so upset. We agreed to support her through uni and now it's 2 years of wasted time. She is now planning to go to tafe for a year and then do uni again the following year. Which means she will be living here for at least another 5 years. Which we had not planned on, we thought end of next year her degree would be done and she would be moving on.

I just don't know how to trust her now.

Who is paying for University?

Who is paying for University? If it is you and DH, you are under no obligation to keep financing a cheating liar.

If she paid for it or got loans, then that is up to you and your DH to decide. But no one "HAS" to let an awful adult of a child live with them.

I'm in Australia so it's

I'm in Australia so it's funded by a government loan scheme. We are not paying for uni but we are paying for her food, power, internet ect.

We went through this with SS.

We went through this with SS. He enrolled in college to keep the CS coming to BM. Every
time we would see him we would ask how he was doing In school and he would tell us "good".
Turned out that he only went to one class and he failed that one. Actually not sure if he even went to that class the entire semester. So we filed to end support as he was no longer in school and working full time at a sandwich shop. The day before court he and BM ran to another university to try and get him enrolled but it was too late. He came off of support.
Now he has once again enrolled at yet another college and he and BM are expecting DH to pay for all of his bills (car insurance, cell phone, auto repairs, gas for his car, etc). In other words BM wants the support back without going to court.
Funny thing is DH is doing it and we are fighting about it. And DH is saying how proud he is of SS for going to college. I heard SS tell DH that he is pulling "C"s. DH lied to me and said that he is doing good.
All I can say is that you should request that she give you her log in and password so that you can check her grades. We did this the first time around but the school never posted anything until the end of the semester.
Sometimes these kids are just too immature. I believe that my SS is only going because of his girlfriend. He barely graduated from high school so I don't know how he can possibly make it through college. Your SD may very well change her mind yet again. In the meantime since she is not in school full time I would insist that she work full time and pay room and board and her own bills since she is an adult.

It's now time for her to pay

It's now time for her to pay her own way.

This rule sounds fair. She

This rule sounds fair. She might think she deserves a second chance, but in my opinion she's broken your trust so much it would be impossible to fund college for her again. If you are also paying for her college it should end now. If DH wants to fund her through college let it come out of HIS pocket. I agree - "This girl needs a wake up call. She either needs to re-enroll and show you proof of her class involvement on demand or she needs to be told that as of January 1, she needs to find a new place to live."

She was told she can get a

She was told she can get a job, go back to uni, or move back to her mother. However then we found out she is actually excluded from uni. She is not allowed to reenroll until July next year. That is semester 2 is Australia, and the course she has chosen to do teaching, will not start until 2017. Hence the tafe course she has now decided to do.

Oh hell no. Support through

Oh hell no. Support through university is completely and totally contingent upon performance. That includes full disclosure of grades, etc....

She lost that opportunity by poor performance and prevarication. She is done IMHO. At least if she were my kid or skid she would be done.

Cut her loose and let her sink or swim on her own at this point.

I would were I you and/or your DH.

IMHO you should have had

IMHO you should have had access and been checking her grades if you were paying for the school and allowing her to say with you. You both allowed yourself to be scammed.

Time for her to go, why would you allow a liar to stay in your home?

I felt this was dhs

I felt this was dhs responsibility. I have told him I feel he is as responsible for this mess as her. I have been telling him since she moved in that she is not mature enough to expect her to look after herself with study. He just gave her free reign. No curfews. Didn't ask to see assignments. She would refuse to give us her timetable which caused so many arguments. She just said her hours change every week.

We have some parallels,

We have some parallels, OP.

My YSD did the same thing at 19. Our deal with was that she could live with us rent free as long as she was in school & working part time. Her only bill was auto insurance for my second car, which was a cute convertible.

YSD squeaked through her first semester of community college, and it was near the end of the second semester that I realized two things: I hadn't seen any mail from her auto insurer for some time, and although she was leaving for school each morning, the times were inconsistent, and she wasn't talking about her classes anymore. A call to our insurance agent revealed that YSD had bounced a check nine months earlier and never made another payment. A search of her room and the car turned up no books or materials for any of the classes she claimed to be in. When confronted, she admitted to dropping all her classes two months into the semester. Miss Lying McLiarpants had been leaving the house each morning, doing who knows what, driving MY car around with no insurance! She "ran away" two weeks later, and we have had no relationship with her since.

I hope you don't allow this adult to continue to live with you. Living with/being in a relationship with a liar is both stressful and soul sapping. Your SD has taken advantage of her own family members, and that's a pretty low thing to do. She deserves serious consequences for her deceit. She made a deal, then reneged on it. Boot her out.

Geez. It does sound similar.

I'm not convinced my Sd was trying to be vindictive. I think she was just so hopelessly immature and couldn't handle it. I have taken her to Dr, he thinks she has depression and referred her to a counsellor.

She still hasn't told her boyfriend, who is at uni also. He thinks she is still going.

Geez. It does sound similar.

She still hasn't told her boyfriend, who is at uni also. He thinks she is still going.

Mental illness can really

Mental illness can really complicate the situation, but at 19 your SD has to own her issues and commit to the treatment plan. No one else can force her or do it for her.

I find it troubling that your SD is also lying her boyfriend. Deception on this scale is not normal behavior. Is it possible that rather than mere immaturity she has a more serious issue? One that causes her to behave is ways that ultimately bring stress and strife to her life?

I wouldn't be satisfied with a blanket diagnosis of depression. Sounds like she needs some help. Do you think she would agree to some counselling/therapy? I realize she's not the first freshman to go off the rails a bit, but my spidey senses are tingling.

Yes she had agreed to see a

Yes she had agreed to see a counsellor. I made the appointment for her. But cause its coming up to Xmas and everyone is busy we couldn't get in until 5th dec.

He bf was over last night. My older boys have things on at school and so she watched bd2 for me so I didn't have to take her. So her and bf were there when we got home. I asked her if she told him even just that she is going to change what she is doing. Not go into the details of exactly what happened, but just tell him she wasn't enjoying her other course and has decided to go to tafe. She said she was going to but was hard cause looking after bd then dh came home, then we came home. All my kids adore her bf so soon as we got home they were all over him wanting him to make stuff with them and show him things. So they didn't get any alone time I guess. I'm hoping that after they went to bed and I went to bed that she told him. He's a really really nice guy and wouldn't want her to screw it up with him.

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Adult SD issues with lying