adult daughtrer using divide and conquer
I have been with my fiancée for 3 years 8 months. She has a daughter of 22. We argue about her all the time. She has chosen not to be part of our family. Does not eat with us. Go anywhere with us. I still try and support financially. Even while living with us {has own apartment foe11 months).I have never tried to discipline the child. I have just tried to befriend and try to understand. There side of the family argues with me about the situation. No or little respect is shown to me or my mother. Been to therapy but here daughter refuses to go. I have only been allowed to talk to her daughter (all of us sitting and talking about problems) 4 times. Most times ending in what the daughter refuses to do. "No I won’t live with you" ;"I just want it to be me and mommy"; "I will never call you my step father, Even after you marry" and her mother supporting her decisions.
This "adult" is far from
This "adult" is far from that. I have been helping to put a roof over her head and food in her belly for 3 years now. We pay a part of her rent now. Her mother drives her to work every day (been working for a year now). I buy groceries for her. We recently moved across the street from her. If she had a life independent of ours, the "adult" title might fit. It is a daily game of avoidance and denial. When she was 19 and lived with us. She shut down all our hopes and dreams of just getting along. By never coming to the table to eat. We went to therapy (her own therapist they were seeing before our relationship) as we started to make progress she refused to go any more.Paying for and living your life molded around a hateful step-child that gives you no respect. How do you ivel with that????
I have read several books on
I have read several books on step-parenting. Had health loving relationships with ex-step-children. Been told by my last ex how much she appreciates, what I have done for her and her family. Referred to as dad by stepchildren. I’m not looking to be bitten. I get enough from that from that child. I just am looking for level headed advice from someone who has survived this. No, I take that back I have been surviving. I would like to turn this around to a peaceful situation. She has never had a relationship with her BF. She has two half sisters that have a health relationship with their BF. It isn’t me that is creating problems. What Should I do To move forward???
First of all thank you for
First of all thank you for your concern. It means a lot to me.
I agree with what you are saying and I have recognized that for quite some time, now. In therapy we discussed that years ago. I have tried my best to take in consideration there, damaged relationship. I have step backed and give them all the time but, it adds up to a lot of time. Me standing down, all the time. I’m so programmed by it all, that I avoid contact. To see her smiling and laughing with her mother. Then I come in the picture and she goes into that trick bag. Of frowning not speaking (you know). Now it has worn me down, because the kid is manipulating a hell of a lot of my life and time, with this game of,"I want it to be just me and mommy"(quote). I am at the point where I’m thinking a life of struggling with this kid. Is not worth it. Waiting for her to find someone to bond with and get a life. Instead of taking time away from mine. Also, I have doled out way to much money, not to be getting some respect and consideration. I have been happy and successful, through several relationships with step children. This one drains the life out of me. If it’s not the kid. Then it’s her family. Even her ex’s family is still in the picture. She tries, to drag me to functions of her ex’s family. Even after threats from her Ex to stay away from her family. The more I write, the more I want to walk out this door. We love each other, but have to live in a bubble to keep the negativity from her people out. It's not natural
You're not her step-father,
You're not her step-father, you're her mother's fiance. And when you get married, you'll be her mother's husband, nothing more. She's an adult, not a child, and she was when you came into the picture. Disengage and quit looking for approval from this girl. If she needs groceries, her mother can buy them. If she needs help paying her rent, her mother can provide it. Once you quit pushing yourself on this girl, her attitude toward you may eventually change.