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Adult Children Living at Home - Using drugs and stealing money

mnNH's picture

Recently my stepson, who is 23, lost his job and quickly ran out of money. A weeks after this a friend of the family was able to help him get a great job which required him to travel to specific construction job areas. The job pays well – so all should be great, but it isn’t. There are gaps in these jobs which means he has to find other means of employment in between.

Shortly before he started this new job, he would show up at our house during the day while we were at work and stole all the cash from the house. Then he stole money that one of my girls left for me and twice more right out of my purse while I was in the house.
The story gets worse, when he returned from his first onsite job he needed a place to stay so his father told him he could stay with us. His father is fully aware of the money that has been stolen, but wanted to give him a chance to get on his feet. Now I am on guard because I can’t trust him.

Since I know he does drugs occasion and drinks a lot, combined with the stealing I have started to inspect his room. I have not allowed him any proivacy (which may be wrong, but it is my house). It is my house after all and it is a full time job keeping your eyes on the thief. At first glance without looking to hard only days after he moved in, right in the night stand was remnants of marijuana and low and behold some other narcotics. I made his father aware of it and he said he would deal with it, which amounted to just telling him no drugs in the house. Two days later I find my husband’s change jar hidden in the night stand, a day later a marijuana pipe.
I want him to move out. I do not want a liar, a thief, or drugs in my house. You might be asking so what is the problem just tell him to leave. However, it is not that simple, and the answer is his father. He will not ask him to leave because he feels some guilt about what he “never” did with him when he grew up. He allows his son to manipulate him into believing he is some angel, and even though he has seen the drugs, and knows about the stolen money, he just keeps turning a blind eye.

I am trying to manage my marriage without making him feel like he has to choose between his son or me, but this is my home and I don’t think I should have to tolerate this in my own house. I certainly would not tolerate this from my own children.
Any thoughts?

Anon2009's picture

Set up a nanny cam and show thr footage to your husband. He can't argue with the video footage.

hismineandours's picture

So is your dh guilty for not parenting him adequately as a child? Guess what-hes still not parenting him as an adult. Instead he is enabling his substance abuse problems and theivery. Kudos to dad. I would simply tell dh that it's either or. Either the kid is out OR you call the cops-I would report all the money that has been stolen, I would direct them to the stash of illegal drugs. i would give dh a deadline-as in he has 24 hours to get the kid out or you are making the call.

Your dh is putting himself and you at risk (not sure whos name the house is in), he is allowing his son to be a thief, and is allowing his wife to be stolen from. He is effing up all over the place. He will only turn his son into a bigger criminal and worse substance abuser.

This is the same damn thing that happened in my dh's family. Sil opened credit cards in dh's name, came into our home on a number of occassions and stole from us, uses drugs pretty much every day, lies, made up horrible stories about dh and slandered his name-and my inlaws still support her-emotionally, financially-whatever precious princess wants. They think all of this is actually MY fault-and think I brainwashed dh into reported his credit cards as fraudulent so I could get sil "falsely" arrested. They no longer speak to dh either for being a "snitch".

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Talk to the cops and tell them about the adult doing drugs in your house and you not allowing it or tolerating it, that he was told and continues to do so. They might do something like surprise him when he is driving or going to and from the house.

But, regardless, a thief is a thief and I would be quite upset as who knows what else has gone ou of the, electronics, etc. If you should find things missing you might file a report with the police about burglary.

Your husband isn't going to do much about it because he wants to help the son out, but you need him out of your house NOW.

I don't know about the police in your area, but in my old area they would try to do what was right for the homeowner etc. These adult squatters can put a lot of "pressure" on you and your husband to continue to get their way.

oldone's picture

And why did you not call the cops? Are you not thinking straight? What would you do when any person comes in your home using drugs and stealing stuff? Duh -- that's a total non-brainer.

melsie5kids1971's picture

I have same kind of issue! Stepson 21 years old was in rehab for 8 weeks recently for drugs/alcohol. Stole money from husband and me, his sister's college money, pain pills husband has for his back pain, pawned husband's shotgun, etc etc. I also inspect his room frequently. Supposedly clean now, but I found rolling papers in his room this past weekend...the deal after rehab was NO drugs whatsoever. Pot was still illegal last time I checked! He is lazy, overweight, eats all hours of day & night, won't do anything around the house! We have him on our cell phone plan and he just ran up an almost $300 bill which we are going to end up having to pay for! I can't stand the sight of him!!!! This is driving me crazy...I feel like a horrible person because I really don't like him or care for him at all. He uses his dad's sympathy to get away with things (his mother died of cancer 4 years ago). He is very good with the "poor me" routine. He is also struggling with being homosexual, which I'm sure is extremely difficult for him, but he uses that as an excuse to feel sorry for himself too. I have 3 bio kids (10,9,7) who look up to him and really love to hang out with him. I have been reluctant to let them, but it's hard to keep them away from him living in the same house. I watch them like a hawk when they are with him. I don't think he would hurt them for anything, but just can't trust him at all. We are living in their house now, we have been married for almost 2 years. So I don't feel like I have the right to say anything to him myself. His dad won't really confront him like he should and I feel like the third wheel in all of this. Any advise on how I should handle this? His dad knows I don't like him, I think SS knows I don't like him. I am so tired of feeling this way, I just want to have some peace again. It is eating me up and dragging me down. Please, any suggestions?

He does work, by the way, but spends his money on fast food, movies, junk. Only pays for his car insurance, he has no other bills.

dadsnewwife's picture

I feel for you! It seems with these older stepkids, we have no say...even in our own home. So, it is up to us to decided to stay or leave. I almost moved out 3 years ago due to the same problem you're having, but it was MY house! But I was miserable. Unfortunately, the guilt your dh feels is keeping him from doing the tough love that is needed. SS24 has always known he cannot live with us if he's using, so it's always been up to him. This time, dh figured out he was using, repeated our no drugs rule and SS24 left on his own accord as he refuses to admit he can't drink or do drugs AT ALL. The fact he's been in and put of rehab several times in the last several years isn't proof enough?? Thank God dh told him a year ago that this is the last time we're helping and I know he means it. He's had enough. We don't talk about him and I heard him tell SS33 one day that he's not "cleaning up"after SS24 again. It's taken 7 years, but he's finally DONE, but the damage it did to our relationship...lesser people would have called it quits. So, ultimately, it's up to you whether to put up with it or leave.

Rags's picture

He doesn't have to choose between his wife and his son. What does need to happen is for his son to GTFO of your house. Next time he steals or you find drugs in your house call the police, have him arrested and frog marched out of your house.

Inform your DH that a criminal was arrested. That the criminal is his son is just an insignificant detail in my opinion.

Good luck.