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Adult (24) Step Daughter who is living like a 12 year old! I'm at my breaking point!

At my breaking point's picture

I know that we all have similar situations when it comes to being a step-parent. I know that 99% of step parents would NEVER choose to live as a step if they knew then what they know now....INCLUDING ME!!
I am at my breaking point...somebody please help! I really need advice!
My step daughter (24, going on 12!) is currently living with us. She works part-time for minimum wage, dropped out of school 2 years ago, does not own a car (uses ours), does not pay her bills, does not pay "agreed upon" rent to us, and is LAZY as hell! She is dis-respectful to me (always has been!), and takes advantage of her father's "head in the sand" attitude towards her "entitled" life.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, which has led me to "dream" more and more about leaving my husband. I love him dearly, but he seems to put more importance making life easier for her than for me.
I am not a "hard ass", but do believe in pushing the subject of "being a productive member of society"!
How do I grow a back-bone in my own home? I am tired of being angry all of the time. I am tired of having every argument with my husband be about her.
Am I so totally off my rocker to believe that she should be required to either be in school, or working full time? Am I crazy to believe that she should be paying her bills, and be paying us the $145 ($45 for car insurance that WE have been paying for YEARS) that was agreed upon? Am I insane for believeing I should not HAVE to tell her what needs to be done around the house? (Her bathroom has not been cleaned in MONTHS...and I am NOT doing it!)

Lastly, two weeks ago, we came home to the water running outside, a fire burning in the fire pit, and a drunken girl passed out in her bed. Turned out she used a gas can to start the fire, started the gas can on fire, and used the water to put it out...RIGHT NEXT TO OUR HOUSE! Am I crazy to not trust her alone in my home anymore??

How do the rest of you deal with an adult step child that has become a thorn in your marriage, in your butt, and your way of life!?!?!?!

2ndclasscitizen's picture

Oh my goodness......my SD is now 12 and I fear that this is my future. SHe is the MOST irressponsible self-entitled brat ever. Why in the world is she still living with you at 24? What does your husband think of all of this, and is BM in the picture? I really feel for you, what a nightmare. If she continues to live under your roof, she needs to at least be a contributing member of the household, you shouldn't have to worry about her possibly buring your house down!

dontcallmestepmom's picture

This will be your future if your DH does not do something NOW. My DH's kids are 19, 20, and 23. They all live with BM, and only one works-part time. They have no coping skills at all. They think the world owes them. BM raised them this way, and now she is reaping what she sowed, because they are with her, with no signs of ever leaving. My DH has always worked 6 or 7 days a week, and he tried to teach them right, but BM fought him. I have heard horror stories of how bad they were as children and then young teens. They only get worse. I hope things change for you.

At my breaking point's picture

I should have told you...I have been with my husband for 17 years, married for 10. My SD was 6 and SS 3 when we met. I have NEVER had problems with SS, infact, he will be graduating from college in spring. I hate to tell you this, but when she was 12, I ALWAYS thought that it would get easier. WRONG!! I think that it actually gets harder as they get older.

As stated, my husband is a "head in the sand" (says my therapist) kind of person. The thing is, I am in total agreement that he has a right to how he feels, and is a 50% partner in any agreements we make. I understand that we have different "parenting" styles; he can not change me, nor me him. The world does not revolve around what I say, nor should I ever
expect it to.

BM is in the picture, and always has been. We get along, but I have no respect for the woman. She took off almost 2 years ago to a different state to persue her life. I know that I have her to thank for the state of mind that her daughter is in. We have just been left to pick up the pieces.

lorijordan's picture

I just got nice big dose of adult entitled stepkid reality. My husband is an enabler and his head is in the sand as well.

I love him but this situation is destroying any peace I have in my home.

You might think you know what you are getting into with stepkids, but there is no real way to know until it is your day to day reality.

At my breaking point's picture

Isn't it great to feel as though your wellbeing ranks right down there with a piece of crap??
Everybody I know that tells me that they are dating a guy with kids, I tell them "RUN"!! I would not wish the pain and tourment of being a step on my worst enemy!

Si's picture

I am in a similar situation. It looks like this was a few years ago for you. May I ask how things are now?

hereiam's picture

I have not and would not ever allow an adult step child to live in my house. Especially one who is disrespectful and cannot be trusted.

You are not crazy, and all of what you have stated above is more than enough reason to boot her ass out.

So, your husband is proud of the person his daughter is? That's what I would ask him.

At my breaking point's picture

He says he is not "proud", but does nothing about it. When I ask about "consequences" to her attitude, he says "what am I supposed to to...ground her?" WTF!! Am I the only adult in the room that understands what "consequences" are??

I would LOVE to boot her ass out, but my husband DOES own half the house we live in. Tell me exactally how to do this...cuz I have NO idea. Believe me, there has been a ton of thought put into the subject.

I guess I am in a "put up or shut up" situation right now. That is what is killing me!

hereiam's picture

Well, when he asks "what am I supposed to do?", that is your chance to tell him exactly what you think should be done. The two of you need to agree on a timeline and tell her she has a certain amount of time to get her act together and get out. She needs to get her own transportation, her own place to live and until she does move out, she needs to respect the people who own the house that she is living in.

This is exactly why my husband and I agreed years ago that nobody could live with us, they are hell to get out!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I agree with hereiam. Unless they are in college or something happens where they lose a job through NO fault of their own, over 21 is more than an appropriate age to leave the nest.

May I say that I agree with the others about doing something about the situation now. I don't know if she is dating or not, but just imagine the mess if she gets pregnant and still lives with you.

It is going to be tough to get the message through to your DH but may I suggest that you not do it by going at her on a personal level, just calmly say that it is time she pitches in, pays her rent and bills and goes after something more than part time work (although without skills it is pretty tough out that).

Please clarify...did she drop out of high school? If so then she needs to go back full time to a community college (usually they have the GED programs) and get that degree. THEN she needs to go out and live in the world on her own.

lorijordan's picture

Absolutely correct! I'd love, love, love to have my SS be on his own. My husband is the problem.

lucy51's picture

If your husband is willing to put up with her behavior, I would give an ultimatum and be ready to move out. If he does not choose your happiness and peace of mind, there is no hope for the relationship.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I agree. I made my DH promise before we got engaged that his kids would never come here. I made him promise again before we got married. If he ever goes back on his word, I will be out of here. There is no way I could ever live with them. I got a lot of flack from friends and relatives for making him promise, but I am not going to be unhappy bc his kids are choosing to live horrible lives.

At my breaking point's picture

This is the statement that scares me the most! In my heart, I know that you are right. This is where my need for a "back-bone" comes from! I really need to find my back bone to start living my life the way I had always dreamed!

sandye21's picture

Do not feel bad about getting a back bone. I waited over 20 years to fianlly put my foot down. But you are going to have to if you do not have the full support of DH. And once you do, you will discover it was worth it. You use the term "Our house" so I assume you are part owner of the house. If this was a renter who had not paid rent in months, they would receive notice to immediately vacate. You have the right to kick her ass to the curb and take your car back. Good luck.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

No, you are not crazy. This is ridiculous. You do not have to put up with this! She needs to learn how the real world works. It is only going to get worse. My DH's daughter is 23, and is very similar to your SD. However, she lives with BM. She was kicked out of there, went to a friend's, was kicked out of there, demanded we let her in-we said no, went to another friend's and was kicked out of there. Now, she is back at BMs and they are fighting. My DH also has 2 young adult sons, and they are just as bad.

It is time for your SD to leave, but your DH may not feel that way. She is taking complete advantage of you. I feel bad for you, but nothing will change until she is forced to leave or change-in a major way. There is no excuse for her behaviors, and at this rate, she will never leave.

Rags's picture

Change the locks. End of problem. If you really want to make a point put the key pad locks on your doors and have the only reset code. If your SD is in your home change your DH's code and tell him that each and every time SD is in your home unsupervised by him that you will disable his code until further notice and he will have to wait on the porch until you get home.

Again ... end of problem.

IMHO of course.

At my breaking point's picture

Don't we all wish it worked this way! How would you respond if this was done to you???

Rags's picture

I would never be in a position for anyone to do this to me because I would not tolerate this kind of crap from a child of mine or any child in my home for that matter. I would never allow anyone including a child to take priority over my marriage or my wife and my wife would never have reason to take this drastic of a step in dealing with me.

We are a team. I would hope for your sake that your DH gains clarity on this and steps up to be the partner you deserve and does it soon.

Your 24 YO SD got drunk, nearly burned down your home (only a brain dead idiot moron would use gasoline to start a fire then try to put a gas fire out with water) and your DH does not have the man sack to deal with her bullshit. :jawdrop: Really?

Time for the hey pad locks IMHO until your DH and his idiot spawn catch a clue and before she ends up burning down your home. IMHO of course.

My SS (then 18) struggled with launching. We offered to provide the mom and dad full ride university scholarship, car, monthly spending money, etc.. He at least was mature enough to tell us he was not mature enough and was not ready to focus and study. So we told him he could live at home rent free if he had a full time job. He did not want to do that either so we turned him to our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked his ass off. He did every menial chore, task, unpleasant dictate, he did laundry, cooked, cleaned bathrooms, scrubbed toilets, scrubbed base boards, brushed the cobwebs off of the outside of the house, touched up the paint on the fence, scrubbed/acid washed/sealed our garage floor, etc, etc, etc......

After 4mos of beck and call/chore bitch duties he enlisted. He is nearly 22 years old and has completed 3 of his 6 year enlistment. His mom and I are very proud. He is working out growing up and it is now on his time and his dime. We have his back but he is for damned sure not trying to burn down our house or passing out in our home on a regular basis.

This may not work for you and your DH, but IMHO you and he have to do something to deal with your SD, create a burning platform (no pun intended) to motivate her launch, and for your and your DH to deal with this as equity partners in your marriage and equity parents to any kids in your home regardless of biology. If you don't the strain on your marriage will only get worse.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

2ndclasscitizen's picture

Do you think your DH would go to your therapist with you and talk about it? Maybe he just needs to hear it from somebody else how unfair this is to you.

At my breaking point's picture

He had his chance to go on Tuesday, but decided that he didn't like how "things" are after the appointment.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Talk to your DH and tell him you can no longer tolerate the current living situation. She needs to go and agree on a time limit 30-60 days. If she is not out by then, you leave. Stay away until she is gone. DH will soon figure out you mean business and will be forced to make a choice. I don't usually agree with the Step forcing you out of your home but sometimes a temporary break can bring guilty DH's to their senses. Or take matters into your own hands and YOU tell SD when she has to leave and you mean it!

Shannon61's picture

You're living the nightmare I lived a few years ago after I moved in w/DH and SD (25 at the time). I did it against my better judgement because DH wanted us to bond, and like a moron I did it. It was the worst time in my life. DH and I constantly argued about SD's antics and I wanted to end the marriage.

SD was also lazy (had no chores), mean-spirited, and downright evil. She did everything in her power to push me out, but I pushed her out instead. DH also had his head in the sand and his little pricess could do no wrong. So I made him charge her a reasonable rent, forbade him from buying her food or favorite treats (reminded him she was a working adult and he was no longer responsible for feeding her). Whenever she screwed up, I kept my foot in his behind and he kept his in hers. Next thing I knew, SD had a found a place and was moving out. DH had the nerve to try and discourage her, but I told him either she moved or I would make plans to . Her moving day was one of the happiest days of my life.

You and DH need to get a plan for SD's move out date. She needs to find a full-time job ASAP. Do not . .I repeat do not allow her live there open ended. What are her life plans? You need to have this discussion. If you don't put your foot down now, she'll still be living with you 10 years from now . . working part-time, fooling around and squandering the little money she does earn. Since your DH has his head in the sand, you'll have to step up . . like I did. You deserve to be happy in your home.

lorijordan's picture

My stepson is also lazy, emotionally the age of a pre-teen, and Daddy does buy his food as well as his treats. I just told him to stop. We'll see.

My husband will NEVER make his son move out. He'd throw me to the curb in a heartbeat.

My husband went out of town last week. He didn't ask me what I needed while he was gone, not that I can't care for myself. I can.

HOWEVER, before he left he made sure my stepson had 3 2 lites of Coke. He drinks a two liter a day. He can't provide them for himself and works at a grocery store.

It is more insane than I could have ever guessed.

SugarSpice's picture

if dh won't get his head out of the sand, you have to take action. this is a good strategy.

one sd, adult, dropped out of college to go live with her lover. when her lover kicked her out she did not go crawling to bm but her father. bm has nothing after her 2nd marriage of 20 years. (long story but you all know what payback is.)

living w sd was horrible from the start. finally, she bad mouthed me in the worst way and i told her to leave. she packed up her things and dh was wise enough to let her go. she has not returned.

now she has to spend the holidays w her father and stepmother as all of her pals have taken off for the holidays, and not one of the conveyor belt of men has taken to her.

ctnmom's picture

Please listen to what these wise people are telling you. She doesn't need to be "parented" for crissake, she needs to be booted out! Lord-24. Gee whiz.

~Put that shit back you thief!~

OMGinStepHell's picture

I am so very sorry. I too am going through a very similar situation ( out of control SD and amazing SS) and I don't know what to do either. It brings me so much heartache to see all of us who have to live in this nightmare. I almost choked up when I read that is you knew it was going to be like this, you would have never have chosen to live as a step. I really wish I never got myself into this whole mess. Only if there was an answer for us? I don't think giving your DH an ultimatum is the way to go. They would never choose you over their daughters and if they did, they would resent you for being "selfish". I fantasize about winning the lottery and disappearing without a trace and living in Italy.

Amber Miller's picture

Oh you are not off your rocker at all. I told my boys 14 and 16 (not the 11 yo) that they will either be in school getting good grades or they will have a job and pay RENT at 18yo. I told them there will be no freeloading here. My boys and DH get along but my biggest fear is having a 20yo playing Xbox laying on my couch all day smoking weed (like their father the total stoner).

nwad's picture

I have just read this thread and it could have been me writing the original post. I have two sd's living at home aged 30 and 26!! I also dream about leaving. If I can secure a full time position I think I will have to. They both only work part time, elder ones job is on thin ice and it only took her ten years to get it!! My husband hates confrontation and is another head buried in the sand. When I moved in with him only one daughter lived here and I just assumed there would be a natural progression of job-boyfriend- move out, what a pipe dream that was. Neither have friends or ever had a boyfriend. The elder one has to be told to clean her room and change her bed linen or she simply does not do it for months. I have no help around the house and for the most part feel like an unpaid cleaner. I have tears in my eyes writing this as I do love him but I think if I left he would carry on regardless and that hurts so much. How did the original poster get on?

Sparklelady's picture

You know what you need to do. You just don't want to do it. And you are not alone.

So you'll have to make a decision, are you going to continue to live like this for the rest of your life? Or are you going to ask your husband if he wants to stay married to you? Because that really is the question. Does he want to stay married to you?

This isn't about his daughter, it's about whether or not you are important enough to him to put your marriage first.

This is a much scarier question to ask, but don't you think you should know either way if he believes that you are worth it? Shouldn't you be with someone who does think that you are worth it?

I don't even know you, but I believe you deserve to be with someone who puts your relationship first.

I wish you all the strength you need to get your life back!

sleepycat's picture

Daddies instinctively protect daughters. Never make them choose between you and the daughters. The only way to, IMHO, to solve this is to convince the dad that forcing the daughter to be self-sufficient is BEST FOR HER, and this is easy to do if you read up on enabling behavior, teaching self-sufficiency, etc. Summary is that he is HARMING her by NOT teaching her budgeting, self-sufficiency, and the joy of building a comfortable life step by step.

Children are raised in a family such that by the time they are 18 it is typically more safe and comfortable than if they go out on their own. They have to "step down" in living standards when they start out on their own, and build their own life in order to be comfortable. This natural way to build a life is stripped away by enabling parents who have seen to their children's needs and feel their children should continue at that lifestyle level instead of starting out on their own at a lower level.

Remind Dad of his own struggle to become successfully/financially independent, and that he is robbing daughter of this same life journey and the character it builds. The daughter doesn't know anything different, this is what she has been made to expect, so this is, sadly, really ALL the Dad's fault. If the Dad isn't convinced this is the way things should evolve for daughter FOR HER OWN GOOD, then separate your finances, budget for your future including retirement, and require Dad pay his half of your joint expenses. If he can't pay it due to support for daughter, then he is bumming off of you, and you have some hard choices of your own enabling behaviour.

Finally, I suggest strongly that the daughter is not just dumped. A timeline needs to be created, maybe 3 years, with firm milestones on becoming self-sufficient, including training for a career. The milestones need to be met every 6 months such as attending training classes, filling out job applications (if needed) x times PER DAY, with consequences spelled out in writing and carried through. Buy Quicken or similar product for daughter to learn about budgeting. I advise NOT being the career adviser, but pointing daughter to state/federal resources and career counselling to teach her how to get help on her own, although funding career counselling may be wise. Read up on tough love and remember that young people's expectations are set by the parent. They don't know any better than what they've been led to believe. Good luck. You only live once.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I would never allow an adult child, step or not, to live with us. I have seen too many cases were parents have allowed this and then, sadly, can't get rid of them while they make their lives hell.

KingJames42's picture

This never happens, but I just joined this site for less than 2 hours, and I already feel inclined to comment. My SD is 24(will be 25 in July), does not pay one cent of rent(despite having two jobs), uses everything as if she does, and does not consider me as a parent, although she sorely fails to realize that the word "father" is in stepfather. Anyway, she has decided to not speak to me, since I have enforced a time of 3:00 AM, where I will lock the doors to our home. Boy, that did not go over well. My wife(who kicked and screamed about my decision louder than my SD) is enabling and perpetuating the problem by giving her a key to our screen door behind my back, which I do know about, and have allowed for the moment. That will soon change, one way or the other. My SD feels that she does not have to respect my ONE house rule, but again, that will soon change.

This is my long-winded way of saying that I do understand what you are going through. My SD is very much self-absorbed, who feels she can do no wrong, especially when it comes to me. I am not a slavedriver myself, and I have let a LOT of things slide over the years, but I will be drawing the line on this issue. The only reason I have not kicked my SD out of our home is because of my wife(and because God has given me the peace to stay relatively calm).

My wife has thumbed her nose at the whole situation, and said that the two of us need to "work it out", as if we are equals, which is far from the case. Therefore, I have no alternative, but to take more drastic actions. You may be at that sane point. It may and probably will, cause strife in your home, but if what you are doing is right(in my case, right in the eyes of God), then I can live with the fallout from the wife and SD. Good luck to you.

Done62's picture

I have told my DH that anytime he wants he can pack up his stuff and go move in with his son. Instead he choses to pay more than my mortgage payment for his son's rent because said son lost the job his father got him do to failing a drug test....that would be the day I would pay my child's rent when the job was lost due to drugs...I just realized I put DH when I should have put BF. He has asked me to marry him repeated times but I do not want any part of his children so Hell no I will not marry you.

neskajy's picture

Your story is my fear as well. I can't call my step a brat or anything. But no one ever bothered to teach her anything as far as housework goes, no one ever expected her to do anything around the house. She has no clue how to cook or clean. And i mean zero. So much so that if i actually had a desire to teach her how to clean a mirror in the bathroom, I would have to explain to her how many paper towels to use and how much to spray coz otherwise she would probably use the entire roll of paper towels and an entire bottle of glass cleaner. Simply coz she has no clue. nor does she have any desire to learn or know. My husband is apparently totally okay with all that. He NEVER asks her to help him or me with anything at all. She is 18 years old! The only thing that is expected of her is to go to school (she is still in high school). He already told her he will pay for her community college and for her schooling beyond if she manages to continue to 4 year college. All that while she will still be living with us and he will be paying her bills, including college. I am pretty sure I am going to have a similar story to yours and i don't know who i will be more frustrated with" my step or my husband for letting her grow up this way...I am also expecting our own child in a month and ugh...I don't want my step to be an example for our child.