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Absent stepchildren back in Partners life after 15 years

SadpushedoutStepmum's picture

I'm so glad I stumbled on this forum... So frightened that evil SS 26 will ruin my 14 year relationship with her father now she's back stirring up trouble after 14 years. She is a compulsive liar, who previously made a false rape allegation which went to crown court against her Half brother my SS 28 (with whom I have a good relationship) he was found not guilty but it ruined his life, and she hasn't spoken to her father since. Her BM is my partners ex wife, she controlled the 3 children they had and prevented him seeing them while they were children. He carries a lot of Absent Father guilt. And during Lockdown the daughter decide to contact her Father again, and instigated her 21 year old brother to come and get to know his Dad by living with us (over 100miles away from their home). I had only just moved in with their father, as my children had left home and his children are also all adult so shouldn't have been moving in, we were supposed to start a nice quiet life of US time. I have been an adult/mother since I was 15, now I'm 42 Im done with parenting. 

diver111's picture

So sorry you are going through this. I have a SD who has similar issues. Is the SS still living with you? Did you sell your home (are you able to move back)? So SS and SD have different mothers, I am assuming? 

SadpushedoutStepmum's picture

Yes SS and SD have diff mothers. But a lot of anymosity between my Partner and SS mother more than other Mother. SS 21 (SD's younger brother) has been coming and going between his Mother and us since Nov 2020- he's not a bad lad per se, just a lot and unexpected just having an adult (v young acting) who is really a stranger living with us. My home was a local authority property, so yes I gave it up and don't have it any longer. SD has now started making up lies saying I have been unkind to her brother living with us (I have literally NEVER MET HER!) he lost his job he had while living here, because he went home to get drunk etc with friends and didn't return for 4 days. They are now all claiming he didn't return because of me!!! I have been serving him since his arrival (cooking his meals. Washing his clothes, buying toilet paper etc etc) and have been so kind to him... Im devasted as partner had a row with me, as he believes them over me!!! 

SteppedOut's picture

WTF are you doing washing his clothes for him? And meals? I hope not above making more of what you already were planning... not meals specific to him, right?

SadpushedoutStepmum's picture

I am the one who does all the household labour as well as having a job, so it's just an extra load of washing and meals. As they are both adult males it has a whiff of mysogyny to the whole situation - on one hand my SS is referred to as a 'child' but when it suits he's an adult. My partner enables him so badly- literally panders to him, and never ever criticises him or expects him to take the blame for his own actions (eg. Blaming me coz he went on a drinking bender with his friends back home. He us yet to return to us, as he really has no reason to now he has no job here. But if and when he does I AM expected to apologise to him for driving him away!!! I work with many a 21 year old who strives for independence not to live with Daddy forever 

Miss T's picture

 " ... it's just an extra load of washing and meals ... "

Sorry, no. It's not 'just" anything. It's an outrageous assault on you, your dignity, and the theft of your most precious resource--your time.

" ... it has a whiff of mysogyny to the whole situation ... "

I'll say.

JRI's picture

The issue isnt the SKs, its your husband.  That good ole daddy guilt, trying to bend over backwards to make up for the past.  Its bad that hes throwing you under the bus.  Any chance hed go to marriage counseling with you?

SadpushedoutStepmum's picture

Alas, I think you're right. He has always struggled to combine his love for his children with his love for me- and has demonstrated that even though they are all adults, and he particularly hasn't been present for any of them during their childhood, that they will always be prioritised over me. I'm distraught, but it's unlikely he would do counselling. 

JRI's picture

I would go myself.  Thats what I did at a critical time in my steplife.  It changed my life and saved my marriage.

SadpushedoutStepmum's picture

Many thanks for all your comments BTW... It helps to know that I'm not alone navigating this stepparenting of adults malarkey :) 

SadpushedoutStepmum's picture

My partner really believes that it is ALL HIS BABY MAMAS (x3) who have not "guided" his kids and that if they all move in with him as adults that he will solve their problems and make them into decent responsible adults- he really hasn't a clue!