You are here

Aaargh! Does it never end?

steppedonstep's picture

Posted a few weeks ago after SD moved away, hoping it was my last post, but probably realizing it never does end. DH had a date to meet her after many attempts but in the meantime his mother passed away. He had some interaction with SD at the funeral, but she and her family did not have any interaction with me and I didn't initiate any, either.

So he told me he was going to meet her and tell her that she was going to have to accept Steppedonstep; he would not come solo to her new home like she insists her mother come without her DH. He would tell her he wanted one big happy family, etc. I just nod and say nothing; doing my best to disengage. He comes back a few days ago from their meeting and says he really feels so much better - they had a nice visit. No mention of planned talk "you must respect Steppedon", etc. I want to say "WTF" but say nothing.

Today I DH that my DD and husband ask if we are going to do anything for the holiday weekend with the new neighbors (who SD sold her home to, on our property. They are similar in age). I tell DH it would be a nice chance for the other neighbor to meet them; doesn't have to be a full blown picnic. How about cake and coffee or something simple? DH says "I really don't want to. Its just not the same without SD here."

Unfortunately, disengagement has its limits. I blurt out "So we can't ever have any fun anymore because SD doesn't live here?" Lengthy discussion where he again says he feels guilty; me saying its SD fault, not yours, etc. He says he feels he doesn't have anyone to talk to. Me saying that's what your wife is for. DH saying "But when I tell you these things you disagree with me."

I have to keep repeating "Disengage, disengage, disengage" even if it means we no longer have a social life because of SD, I guess.

Tired of walking on eggshells and trying to make things cheery at home.

hereiam's picture

:sick: I mean really, normal children grow up and move away from their parents every day. Every day.

Una's picture

I would just invite them over, even if it is just you. When he sees you all laughing and having fun, maybe that will entice him to join in. Otherwise tell him to grow up, his DH obviously has. Don't you stop having fun just because he's feeling abandoned, his choice if he wishes to mope around, but no need for you to be miserable too Smile

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

He's pouting and being a baby about it. Do not give in to this form of manipulation. Have fun with your new neighbours. He's will come around I hope.

hereiam's picture

No sex then, 'cuz it just wouldn't be the same without SD there. }:)

Does he not see how stupid he sounds?

steppedonstep's picture

My idea to ask the neighbors over was a spur of the moment thing. Since DH nixed the neighbor invitation I did not prepare anything special or tidy up the house since it was going to be just us and my DD and her husband. Later in the day DH suggested having a couple we are friends with over. I wasn't prepared for visitors so this time I said no. I wasn't trying to be spiteful, just wasn't ready. I would have been glad to have our friends over if I had some advance notice. DD and SIL came over for dinner, brought food. Right after dinner SIL said he was going home, which seemed strange. DD told me that DH told SIL earlier in the day he wanted an early night - which SIL took to mean go home right after dinner. DH is such a **#! sometimes. DD and SIL have done nothing wrong, but they are not "blood" so I guess they will never measure up to SD.

Since the original post DH had another meeting with SD which he says was "nice".

Yesterday he sent me a text again by mistake. He sent a group text to SD, her husband and me when it was only meant for her. I gasped when I read it. He has arranged for her horse pasture to be mowed and he is going over tomorrow to open the gate and supervise (and probably pay) since she is out of town. Last year he rode his tractor several miles over public streets to go mow the place himself. The horses were what started the whole mess in the first place. I started out approaching him calmly with "did you mean to send this to me?" but after a few minutes I lost it again because I hate seeing him so used/abused. He told me SD needs to sell the horse land because she and SIL bought an expensive house and they are going to keep the horses at the new house so they have no need for the horse 'farm'. DH is having the place mowed so it is presentable for potential buyers.

I have never witnessed such a long, drawn out adult temper tantrum in my life. DH told me SD used to have terrible tantrums when she was little. I've got news for him - she didn't grow out of it.

I still cannot get over the fact that DH keeps going back for more punishment. He says SD told him he has betrayed her, lied to her, etc. It doesn't make any sense.

I know, I know. I should have just deleted the text after I read it and not said anything. If he wants to be a punching bag, I shouldn't comment. I hate to see him groveling and so unhappy. I might suggest counseling. He really is not himself.

steppedonstep's picture

I forgot to mention - A couple of days before the text argument, above, DH was talking about having a celebration at our house for his elderly father. DH is thinking out loud "and we'll have cousin A, cousin B, my sister, SD and granddaughter...." I just looked at him. He said,"What?" I told him I wasn't ready to have SD at our home and that he and I needed to talk about it.

Towanda's picture

Steppedon.....wow. I would be angry too. However, go back to disengaging because your health is more important than your DH kissing her butt. It is so hard isn't it? DH has his head way too far up his own ass to see this!