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4 stepdaughters and one's a stripper .

Seamus853's picture

Been married for 6 years (second marriage for both). He has 4 adult daughters. He and I are long-distance which would otherwise be impossible because of our jobs. Weekends that I can't spend with him because of work he spends that time with all/most of his daughters either at his house or at theirs. During that time, he claims he can't text me because he's busy (sitting around, making sandwiches, playing with one of his daughter's dogs, putting up a ceiling fan - yes, these are all real reasons). I feel very very second-rate. That is even after he cheated on me with someone he met online.In addition, one of his daughters is a stripper who lives on his property and recently asked her dad  to "spend time" with a 20-year old woman who is a friend of hers. When I am with him and his daughters text BAM - he's right on it texting them back immediately. I beg for communication over and over and he always has excuses.

Sometimes I don't know if I can handle this for another month, much less years until we might actually be together. I know I know - I married him knowing he had these girls and yes, he acts certain ways because he feels guilt as an absent father when they were growing up after his divorce. But, I was blinded by somebody who was good at expressing love back then when it was something I had been missing for so long. 

Any comments (negative or positive - really!) would be welcome. Already been to therapy. And< I know it seems it's just about the texting, but it's that I don't feel important. 

Thank you Smile

theoldredhen's picture

Yikes Seamus!

~ he cheated on me with someone he met online.~ I'm afraid that I had to stop right there. Regardless of his other sins, infidelity is a deal breaker! Your DH is a faithless man and as most women know (or should know), a cheater, like a leopard, does not change its spots.

You've wasted 6 years of your life with a betrayer (there are words more apropos for your husband's behavior but they are not suitable for printing), and that was 6 years too long.

Hon, love yourself more than enduring an unhappy life with this man who clearly cares little for you and his marriage. You deserve better.

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

He has several mini wives. Why did he ask you to marry him? What does he get out of it? What do you get out of the marriage? This situation baffles me honestly.

sandye21's picture

It's not about the texting.  I went through this with my DH when we first got married. I will not go into detail but when I look back at this time in our marriage I should have divorced DH.  He did not show me that he loved me or had time for me, SD took top priority, and I found out later DH had not been honest about some important things.  But I have to tell you, if I found out he had cheated on me he would have been history.  Period.

Please find a therapist who wants to work on self-confidence and self-worth so that you will have the courage to tell this man to leave,  You deserve better than this.  Really.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OMG.

If you can't have quantity (a traditional marriage where you live together), then you should at least have quality (a faithful, devoted spouse). You have neither.

None of this passes the smell test. But you know that.

What are you getting out of this arrangement?  Are you and your H choosing to live apart temporarily as part of a specific long term financial goal, or are you just his side piece? Please tell me that you're maintaining separate finances and not contributing to his menagerie??

The female skid/SM dynamic is the most problematic in blended families. Having just one SD can be quite challenging, so that fact that your H has four daughters is baaad juju. Female skids can be very territorial and manipulative, and may see Daddee as their property. The fact that he prioritizes them over you does not  bode well for you. Add in the fact that he's a cheater whose parenting has produced at least one screwed up daughter, and I wouldn't touch that guy with a ten foot pole.

Please raise your standards and extract yourself from this farce.

fairyo's picture

Take note of all the above! After I met my now X I went on an on-line forum and asked if I was doing the right thing getting into a relationship with a man who had been married three times. 

Your post made me remember this because at the time it must have bothered me a lot, but I put it to one side and didn't listen to the advice. After nine years I finally ended the relationship, and trust me he was nowhere near as bad as your DH! If only I had cometo Steptalk then too- but as my skids wereadults I didn't see that problem either.

Live your life and make it a happy one- you are as important as you consider yourself to be, not as the way others treat you. I have my life and my self-respect back-you can do this too!

disrestep's picture

Once a cheater, always a cheater. If I were you, I'd focus on what is important to me, and get out of this non-marriage. Sounds like your DH has many mini-wives and places you at the bottom of the totem pole. 

Take care of yourself and know there are better people out there.

marblefawn's picture

My positive comment is that you didn't leave your life when you married, so you've still got you - that's excellent news!

I think the other comments here say the rest. You've got a life without him, so why compete with four SDs, all the women online, and the 20-year-old who needs her friend's dad to spend time with her??? You can do better.

I don't think the issue is living apart - a lot of married people I know live apart, but they really work hard at being present, even when they aren't together. If your husband is only invested in you when you're with him, that doesn't leave much for you.

blueskies4me's picture

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Divorce his trifling a$$. He is not worth staying married to.

Ispofacto's picture

I don't understand the relevance of one of them being a "stripper".  It was so important it was included in the post title.  Like that says it all.  Another example of misogyny on women, by women.  I had a classmate in college who worked as an exotic dancer to pay her own way through college.  She was a genius and found it empowering.  She had more integrity than most of the BMs and skids on this site.

marblefawn's picture

You make a good point. But in fairness, a lot of people probably feel equal disgust for people who strip and those who stuff bills in their drawers.

My issue with stripping is that I hate how it makes men (because it's usually men), especially men with money to shove in a woman's drawers, think all women can be bought because some women strip or prostitute. I say that, though, not really having an issue with women who do either. I don't necessarily buy the "money for college" thing, though - ha, ha!

It's a really interesting social issue because I see so many sides of it. But there's no doubt that I wouldn't want anyone Iove being part of that scene. Even in the best scenarios, it's tawdry and connected to a lot of other social ills that are indisputedly bad.

This dadswife is OVER IT's picture

i think it was brought up Because the stripper is the one who wants him to make nice with the 20-year-old friend of hers

Seamus853's picture

 The real problem is one of his daughters has friends who are also strippers and that the daughter lives on my husband’s property and that her friends are there, too - in and out a lot. He cheated on me in the past and she offered one of her friends recently (last week!) to him for company recently. She and her friend are in their 20s. He is in his late 40s - it is a huge temptation for him. Strippers are a huge temptation for him in particular  because he went to a lot of strip clubs in the past when he was married before (which he told me AFTER we were married). I didn’t really want to reveal that in the post, but I have now because it seems to be an important detail that I have left out trying to explain why I am uncomfortable with the adult SD. I am just asking please for empathy with my situation about the SD - I am not trying to make any judgments on strippers. 

Rags's picture

No judgement from me on the SD and her stripper buddies.  But huge judgement from me on your morally bankrupt characterless and zero substance DH.

Take care of you.

Rags's picture

No judgement from me on the SD and her stripper buddies.  But huge judgement from me on your morally bankrupt characterless and zero substance DH.

Take care of you.

Aniki's picture

Weekends that I can't spend with him because of work he spends that time with all/most of his daughters either at his house or at theirs. During that time, he claims he can't text me because he's busy.

I'm willing to bet that he's too busy because he's CHEATING.

This man has proven to you numerous times that he does NOT value you or your "marriage". Please value yourself more.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'm so glad you've checked in and given a bit more information.

You've married beneath you to a very shady character. Where is your self esteem? Why are you accepting any of this? You come across as an intelligent, self supporting woman, yet you're in this long distance relationship with a man of poor character. You're dissatisfied (which is good, it means your picker is bent, not broken). You've come to a website for step parent support, but from what you've shared, you don't have a skid problem. You have a you problem, which has led you to make some poor relationship choices.

You're certainly not alone, as many of us women have picked a dud here and there. But look Hun, people do what they do, and are who they are. You've recognized that your H and his daughters have values and behaviors that aren't compatible with yours. If you lived with him, your life would be a misery. You say you've begged this man to do a better job of meeting your needs, and he won't. 

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and you can't make this guy be loyal, fathful, or have good character.  But you can and should be focusing on yourself. Find a therapist who will work with you on strategies for loving yourself and addressing the issues that led you to settle for this guy. Build yourself up and become your own staunchest supporter. Learn, grow, and invest in yourself, and you'll soon  have both the clarity to see why you made a poor choice and the wisdom to forgive yourself and move on up to something healthier.

Seamus853's picture

I just want to add in this last bit to see if I am over-reacting. 

He has told me before not to call him when he is with his girls because it would take time away from his adult daughters and he only sees them once a month (it’s actually twice). So, I have learned not to initiate phone calls.

This past Christmas he was at one of his SD’s house (we couldn’t be together) with all 4 SDs and his ex-wife the BM for a 9-hour sit-around-and-do-nothing sort of day. He didn’t call me to wish me Merry Christmas because he didn’t want to go out in the cold (40 degrees maybe) and he thought it would look “weird” if he broke away to talk to me. 

Last night  he was at the resort, their dinner was taking extra-long, he knew I might be upset if he didn’t text because dinner was running late. Yet, he didn’t text. Why? Because he didn’t want to walk 10 minutes to his room to get his phone. 

Last night he told me he was racked with guilt about his kids. When he cheated on me, he told me he didn’t believe in guilt. 

When he doesn’t text he says I’m supposed to have “faith” and remember that he loves me, I should think “positive thoughts,” I’m “projecting my fears.” I’m trying to vilify him. 

These are all things that have happened and he says I’m over-reacting. I do get so mad and sometimes go into a rant (with cussing) when these things happen and maybe I am going overboard. Please let me know if you think I’m over-reacting and I’ll behave and pull back with my reactions . I have no experience with this and no one to ask. This board has been a wonderful  find!

 I’ll be quiet from here on out. Enough already from me, right? Thank you in advance!!!!! Everyone’s comments I have read and re-read many times - like life-lines. Thank you for what you’ve already said!!!

 

Aniki's picture

Hon, you need to vent and vent and vent until you get it out of your system.

he thought it would look “weird” if he broke away to talk to me. 
He thought it would look weird to call his WIFE?? Horse puckey. I'm sorry, but it's more likely that he was too busy having fun with his ex-wife and daughters and did not even THINK to call you because he's a jerk like that.

he told me he was racked with guilt about his kids. When he cheated on me, he told me he didn’t believe in guilt.
He doesn't believe in guilt when it comes to CHEATING. I'm willing to be he's only sorry that you found out and NOT that he cheated.

he says I’m over-reacting
No, you are not. You are reacting in a way that makes him uncomfortable. Boo hoo.

Sweetie, I say to you again: VALUE YOURSELF MORE.

This lying, cheating, insensitive poopie head of a 'man' is NOT worth your heartache. Deep down inside, you KNOW he's not worthy of you AND that's he's is most likely still cheating (IF he ever stopped). You already live separate lives. Love yourself enough to sever the connection to this jerk. {{{hugs}}}
 

sandye21's picture

It appears everyone agrees that you should dump this jerk.  He has manipulated you into thinking you are over-reacting and diminishing his disgusting, self-centered behavior.  He is truly evil.  If he were even a half-a$$ed husband he would be trying to communicate with you.

Just wondering - do you pay part of the bills or the majority of them?  I would bet that besides being a cheat he is a leach.  Again - you deserve better than this.

Rags's picture

It is no bother at all, you are not over reacting,  and ... he is gaslighting you big time.  He cheated yet he is convincing you that you are the one with the problem and the issues.  And you are letting him.

IMHO you really do need to end this and end it now.  Move on. Leave this POS cheater and his shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror as you launch your new life adventure.

Take care of you.

SacrificialLamb's picture

There are articles you can google that discuss that a women's #1 need in a relationship is to feel loved and cherished. I bet it's pretty high on the list for you too. Do you feel loved and cherished with this guy, other than him telling you that you're supposed to faith and remember he loves you (TRANSLATION:  he doesn't care enough to make the effort to SHOW it)?

There are couples who survive cheating, but he should be bending over backwards to show you he really cares and give you reasons to trust him again. That isn't happening.

I'd get rid of this loser.  You have needs; he's not meeting them; he cares more about his own self interests.

marblefawn's picture

He should want to assuage your concern, not dismiss it to leave you questioning from afar whether you're crazy.

Forget about the daughters, the strippers, the ex. Just look at him. He cheated. And just as bad as cheating, he's woven some narrative about you making him the bad guy for cheating -- as if the blame somehow doesn't belong to him. Think about that. He actually reassigns the blame to you with that narrative. THAT is whacked.

Instead of rising to each occasion to allay your fears of more cheating, he doesn't want to be bothered to call you on Christmas Day. He's not trying to prove himself to you. He's not trying at all.

He must be damn charming to have wittled you down to thinking you're overreacting. He sounds like a master manipulator, king of his harem, (https://exploringyourmind.com/7-ways-identify-master-manipulator/), and you're sidelined asking a bunch of strangers if you're right to question his actions. He has turned your thinking inside out.

You are right to question him. You are right to doubt him. Healthy, capable women do not spend days wondering about their spouse's fidelity. You are a healthy, capable woman and you don't have to feel like this. In 20 years, do you want to feel the same way you do today? Of course not - you must feel absolutely awful. So whatever is holding you in this marriage, forget about it. Get out there and change your destiny. Don't let him take away one more good day.

 

 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You're not bothering or troubling us, you're sharing your story little by little and getting the support you deserve. We are here for you, and you are worthy of that support.

Every concern you've shared with us has merit, IMO, so your instincts are sound. Chew on that for a bit. You're not wrong about any of this.

I agree that this man is manipulating and gaslighting you. You express how you feel to him, and he takes that and twists it, telling you your feelings and p.o.v. are invalid.  So you back down, confused and uncertain, and he gets to keep mistreating you.

I've asked you what you're getting out this so-called marriage, but now I also want you to tell us what your H is getting out of it.  Please tell us more about the financial arrangements between you two. Do you share accounts? Does he contribute adequately? Why does he only see his daughters a few times per month? And why is he at a resort without his wife by his side?

still learning's picture

I'm wondering what you're getting out of this "marriage" vs. the emotional and physical toll you're paying?  

Rags's picture

Write this POS waste of parental skin with no character, honor or morals off as the POS that he is.

Grow some balls, cut this crap out of  your life.

NOW!!!!!!!

Merry's picture

I don't think "once a cheater, always a cheater" is true. If (and it's a big IF) the cheater does the very hard work to identify why he cheated, AND is willing to change behavior and learn new coping skills, then there is the likelihood that cheating will not repeated. Has your DH done any work on himself to figure out why he cheated on you? If he hasn't, is he willing to? 

Others have suggested that you seek some counseling to figure out how to deal with his lack of care. I wholeheartedly agree with that. You can't make HIM change, but you can change the way you deal with it. What are YOUR boundaries? What do YOU need from the relationship and from him? Why are YOU the one giving and compromising for his comfort and happiness--and what do you get in return? You have to know these things before you can make a reasonable decision about staying or leaving.

Here on the outside, it looks to me as if he loves himself more than he loves you.

Seamus853's picture

I have asked myself that question a lot especially lately. I think I fell into it because he was charming and I had been with somebody for a long time who really didn't love me.  In fact, I don't think I knew what love was. So, then I found this one who was really good at expressing love/infatuation especially at the beginning.

I realize I had no clue how the relationship between dads and their daughters could be, especially GUILTY dads. It's very tough. I don't want to feel like I'm in a contest, but so many times I am and I'm the loser. I wish I were a better person and could handle it, but I'm not there.

Thank you to everyone for your comments and for your support. I can tell you that I feel stronger because of this board.