32 year old Step daughter lives with us.
I have a 32 year old step daughter living with us
with no end in site. I married her father 2 years ago & she had been living with him for 5 years. She’s never lived on her own, but she’s had a full time job & just pays
$150.00 rent a month. She’s very comfortable,
acts very entitled, has an attitude & has no plans to
leave to get her own place & her father won’t give
her a time frame to get her own place. I hate living with her & getting very depressed. I hate having no privacy & having her around with no time line for her to
leave. We just avoid each other, but I would like her
to move out ASAP!
What would you do?
I would get my own place,
I would get my own place, move out and tell him he can come too but that there is never more than one queen per castle. It's time his daughter became an adult.
I would file for divorce.
It is obvious your DH has no problem with his daughter living with him forever. The fact she was already there for YEARS before you got married should have been a big clue that things weren't going to change with your wedding vows.
Plain and simple, your DH was already married to his daughter long before you became his wife. This is not going to change.
I suggest you contact a lawyer and begin immediate legal proceedings to get a divorce.
Have loud, raucous sex
Have loud, raucous sex several times a day. Should please your DH and SD will hate it.
Did he mislead you about how
Did he mislead you about how long she would live there? Or did you think you'd be okay with her there?
Either way, I'd have a frank conversation with him about the fact that other plans for her need to be made, or it could end your marriage.
I just figured that after we
I just figured that after we got married that she would get her own place. Why would she still live with her dad & step mom. You’d think her mom or grandparents would tell her you need to get your own place...like why would we want her with us. Feels like you have no privacy & she works, but I see her every day.
I think she’s used to paying just $150.00 a month & likes that. She’s not growing up & being an adult by living with us. She leaves lights on constantly in rooms she’s not using, shuts doors loudly at times, burping out loud, etc.
In our driveway she has one side to herself & my husband & I park on the other side & if he’s parked behind me & I want to go out, I have to get him to move. He should really tell her to park on the street. What do you think? She’s very moody & he tries to keep her happy & not get her in a worse mood. At 32, she needs to move out & grow up. It’s like he’s afraid to get her mad or upset her.
I told him that since she’s always worked, but never lived on her own, she must have so much money saved up to be able to buy a house. If she doesn’t, oh well. Time to go out in the real world.
I’ve been letting her living with us get me down, depressed, & stressed & I need to stop that, since I need to get things done. When just her & I are home many times I’ll just go to the bedroom & shut the door. I want my privacy & not have her walking to her room & look in on the way by. I don’t even like talking to friends & family on the phone when she’s home. I hate feeling like I have no privacy.
I want to discuss a time frame with my husband to give her to get her own place. What do you think that should be?
I just figured that after we
So there was no discussion, you just assumed that she would magically move out and DH and SD assumed that you would be okay with the current arrangement since no one said anything. Sounds like communication is an issue in your marriage.
Why would she move want to move when she's getting such a sweet deal? $150 rent, her own parking, no utilities (?), probably other perks from daddy.
I figured she would move out.
I figured she would move out. She is 32! Even if he gives her a move out date now, do you think he should raise her rent now & to what?
The part you are overlooking
The part you are overlooking here is that he allowed this and thought nothing of it, so he's part of the problem too. I think if she's working, then she should be able to move out by 2/1, quite honestly. But I believe your DH is going to resist her moving out. If he was interested in her being independent, he would have booted her out long ago.
Honestly, this should have been discussed before marriage. You assumed she'd move out, and he probably assumed you were okay with her being there. So you have to approach it knowing that you made a mistake in not talking about it before you moved in.
Thanks for your input. Anyone who has a 32 year old step adult living with them probably doesn’t want that as a permanent situation. She has no health issues keeping her here & she’s worked full time for years. We never discussed her moving out prior to getting married, but I’ve starting talking to him about it. No reason we can’t decide on a time line now, when there’s no reason she has to be with us at 32 years old & I shouldn’t have to live with her anymore. Two years is plenty. I want my life back & to be able to relax when I’m home.
But - since you didn't tell
But - since you didn't tell him you objected, he couldn't have known that. I think you need to own that this situation was partly your fault for not asking when she'd move out before you moved in. You made assumptions and he did too. Why wouldn't he assume you were okay with it?
About 3 years prior to getting married I did ask him if she was moving out & he said not anytime soon as far as he knew. She never tried to get along with me & he claims she acted up more when I was around...I’m sure to try & discourage me from having a relationship with him. He knew I didn’t care for her & her childish ways. When we got engaged I didn’t say pick me or her, but I don’t expect her to be living with us forever either. Lol
I'm still trying to wrap my
I'm still trying to wrap my mind round the idea that a grown woman still "acts up"... Does he really think that's normal?
He knows it’s not normal & he
He knows it’s not normal & he knows she acts very childish & immature. I think he’s scared to be the one to say she’s gotta move out...he’d be the bad guy & upset her. I told him that by having her get her own place, she’ll grow up some & mature. That’s exactly what she needs. Plus she would learn to appreciate things. She’s never been on her own, but always worked full time so she should have plenty of money to go & buy a place if she wanted.
I know, right. Lol. She
I know, right. Lol. She needs to move out, so she can start to grow up.
Honestly, I would tell my
Honestly, I would tell my husband he could only live with one of us, and I'd be prepared to move out. But I would never have married him in the first place if his 30 year old daughter was living with him for anything more than a defined, temporary stay.
Hadenough34, you should have
Hadenough34, you should have talked to him about this early on, like even prior to getting engaged. Never assume a problem like this will ever just go away.
How long had your DH been single prior to meeting you? If it was for a significant amount of time., my guess is that the situation with his daughter was the issue. Two years of living with you and your DH is more than enough time for his daughter to move and start her own life. It's quite disrespectful to think she can live with her dad and you indefinitely. It's time for a move out plan for her, or I would be the one moving out if I were you.
He had been single about 8-10
He had been single about 8-10 years before we married. What do you think is a good time line for him to give her for moving out?
That is a long time for him
That is a long time for him to have been single. Like I said she may have been the issue behind that. Not sure what the eviction laws are where you live so you may have to give her at least that amount of time. Then depending on how bad the home life is with her there maybe give her an additional 60 days.
It seems like some of these skds don't want to give up these cushy lifestyles, and so they are even willing to break up a relationship/marriage if it means things won't change for them. At her age, it seems SD should have been living on her own a long time ago. Your DH should have set an age for her to be out a long time ago. It's not a parent's responsibility to take care of an able-bodied adult kid.
Yes, they like the cushy lifestyle & why would they leave. It hasn’t helped her with the entitled attitude & she really doesn’t treat him that nice either. She can be downright nasty at times. Like I need that stress at home. It just seems like he’s afraid to upset her in any way. That’s why he probably won’t ask her to move out before he puts the house up for sale.
I agree that he should’ve set a time for her to move out.
Your SD is NOT going anywhere
Your SD is NOT going anywhere and that's a fact.
You have two choices.
1. Put up with it.
I'd go with the second choice personally.
If she is still living home
If she is still living home after 32 and has never lived on her own. She is going to. I would start looking for my own place. She probably plans on staying there until she inherits the house or finds a man to move in with.
until she inherits the house
That is a valid worry! My worry...my SD33 continues to come to our home. He finally got her a hotel this last time. (lavash) He pays for everything for her and gives her our brand new 80K car to drive around to bars and get drunk! I am at the end of my ropes as I know she will NEVER marry or be independent of us and I know she has discussions about wills and inheritence with his other kids! Thats what is going on! They want to live as easy a life as possible hanging on until we kick off!
Yes, they want the easy life & it’s being handed to them. They need to grow up & be an adult. The only way that’s going to happen is if their father starts setting time lines for them to get out & start making it on their own. They aren’t learning anything still being at home. They are living a sheltered life.
He's going to fight you on
He's going to fight you on this - he likes them being dependent on him.
Yes, mine already has. He
Yes, mine already has. He doesn’t like conflict or having to give her a time frame. My husband left home at 18. Why can’t he see that he needs to give her a time frame to start growing up & she needs to learn to make it on her own. Her dad won’t be around forever.
Because he doesn't feel the
Because he doesn't feel the same way you do about it. He sees it as being a good parent and he probably likes her company.
This is true!
And no matter how you look at her as being almost abusive toward him as I see my SD being to my DH, he still has her in his life and will take any sh$$ she dishes. And I agree with above poster, these types of men LIKE that their kids are dependent on them, it gives them power. I never could understand how DH could be happy knowing his kids are friends with him for his money. I can not get that, but that is the way they are!
It does sound like this guy
It does sound like this guy wants the daughter there. The way i see it, it's a natural progression of the Disney Dad "oooh, she finally picked me!" mentality. Maybe after years of custody fights and seeing the kids as something to be fought over and won, he really thinks he won the parent lottery having her still want to live with him after all these years...or maybe they are enmeshed and living with SD has met his emotional needs all these years. Idk, could be any number of things. From the post, it's impossible to say. My point is, this guy is getting something out of having his daughter live with him so he might be very resistant to changing things.
My husband will be retiring
My husband will be retiring in 16 months & we’ll be downsizing & he’s agreed that she won’t be coming with us. I know 16 months isn’t forever, but I’d like her to get her own place & move out this year. I’m so tired of having her live with us.
Hold him to his agreement!
Hold him to his agreement! Good luck!
Thanks, I intend to.
Thanks, I intend to.
I hope you come back within
I hope you come back within the 16 months and tell us that your husband has followed through, and launched his daughter out of your place and into her own....I hope you are one of the success stories that we like to hear about.
I really do. Good luck!
I will update everyone when
I will update everyone when she moves out. Hopefully before the 16 months.
He’s told me he feels & does
He’s told me he feels & does wish that she was out on her own by now. I don’t think he wants to upset her & say she’s gotta move out & be the bad guy. I get that, but she needs a kick to help her grow up & mature.
Tell him that if she isn't
Tell him that if she isn't out b by 1/02/21, you will be leaving. Tell him that you married him and didn't expect to have a lodger for life sitting in the middle of your marriage. If she isn't gone by then, you'll be leaving and having your sham of a marriage annulled.
I wouldn't have married him
I wouldn't have married him in the first place TBH. This isn't something that came up AFTER marriage. This was already happening.
I think these conversations are easier if there are SKs and they start to approach 18. Timeline, college, working, etc. But obviously your DH already decided he was okay with this before he even met you.
1. You have asked us for an acceptable timeline. Here is my take on this: Give her 60 days. This is enough time to get her act together, find a new place and get her stuff cleared out (after all those years living there Im thinking shes accumulated a LOT of stuff!) March 1st. TELL dont ASK your DH that this WILL be happening. Meanwhile up the rent. It really depends on market rates. I would say 600 to include internet and all utilities. This would also provide incentive to move because it is market rate, in our area at least. Check craigslist or ask a realtor.
2. She parks on the street. Shes a renter, to you, not a daughter, especially with how she treats you. He is on the older side if he is retiring soon, but you need to get her independent now because you are depressed now. Make this crystal clear in your discussions with DH. I say discussions because there will be more than one necessary, as you work out the details.
3. There will be pushback because they are enmeshed. Look that up if its unfamiliar to you. Now that Ive been around Steptalk for over 4 years, this is what I would have thought even in the dating phase with this guy. He wont give up this situation easily is my guess, because he is so used to bending himself into a pretzel to please princess SD. The enmeshment has had time to become deeply rooted.
4. Have a talk with HER as well, or be included in the discussion. I know it might seem like a good idea if this all comes from DH, but Im over 6 years in, and I can tell you that doing things as a united team will serve you well in the future. I still have SD21 Feral Forger asking her father if she can move into OUR home that WE own TOGETHER. Like its just HIS decision. I encourage you to establish yourself as Queen Bee of your household. Redecorate. Remodel (because it sounds like you want to move out and if you own it you can make more money). This will also get you on a more cheerful track because you arent feeling as stuck.
It truly sucks going into a situation like this, especially if she is treating you like dirt. Her moods bad? Not your DH's problem and certainly not YOU problem. She needs to go.
You can present it like I do to SD14 and DH: You want her to be a strong independant woman able to stand on her own two feet and have a happy healthy life. SD14 likes this and wants to go to college and wants to be independant and live with her friends. She gets excited at the thought of driving and having a job.
Contrast with SD21 who has no drivers license, lives with the toxic mother, barely graduated highschool with D's, and no college or community college and most of the time no job.
I need suggestions on
I need suggestions on becoming a “Queen Bee” of my household. I know it probably sounds silly to ask, but any suggestions would be appreciated!
I agree that I need to be more assertive & be the Queen Bee of my household. I haven’t done that as much as I need to. I hate confrontation as much as my husband. She bought a couple things for the house 2 years ago at Christmas & put them up. It’s my place to decorate the home, not hers. I’m the wife, not her. She can decorate her bedroom & her bathroom the way she wants & the rest of the house is up to me. Plus it’s my first marriage & I can’t wait till it’s just my husband & I living by ourselves. I shouldn’t have to deal with the stress of her living with us & having no privacy. Plus, he doesn’t need her lousy $150.00 a month rent.
I agree she should be parking in the street & not have a prime spot in the driveway.
Queen Bee behavior
This would be a series of smaller steps, and BTW, Queen Bee Hadenough34 its not HER room or HER bathroom, its YOUR house and she is a "renter". Change of mentality.
But yes, short term a little remodeling, and as someone said also, put that house up for sale or look at where you are thinking of retiring and print out and start discussing seriously what future looks like. Of course this will and should include discussions of SD move out date.
So true & sounds like some
So true & sounds like some good plans!
As someone who wants her SD20
As someone who wants her SD20 to move out ASAP, the best advice is to talk to your husband. As hard as it's going to be, tell him you need a timeline and set it. 3 months or less is reasonable. She is way too comfortable in your home and if you don't set the timeline and expectations it won't happen. I have been off and on in therapy dealing with my own BS SD. She has it easy in my home too but my husband and I are finally on same page that she will be moving out. Just for me it's not soon enough!!
Yes, she’s way too comfortable. She orders takeout a lot, always shopping & getting Amazon packages. Living the life & just paying $150.00 a month rent.
If she moved out in 3 months, that would be great! I’ll be happy when it happens. It’ll be like getting your life back.
Suggest that for your mental health, you both start shopping for that retirement home sooner rather than later and put the existing house up for sale ASAP. Nothing like a for sale sign in the yard to get the message across to your SD that she's leaving. She doesn't need to be consulted in that decision, it's not hers to make. She's not retiring with you. Tell her it's just business, not personal, lol.
I had a situation where my SD (32 at the time) moved into our home while we were on vacation, got a key from the person watering our plants, It nearly ruined our newlywed year, and she went everywhere with us. I still shudder to think of that time. Hubby didn't see a problem with her living in our lower level while she took her sweet time looking for her own place. I felt very betrayed, because I did not marry into this predicament but it was forced on me just 4 months into our marriage.
I didn't stay quiet about it either, but got the church elder couple to help him see the light how unfair and unhealthy this was to me.
We got SD an extended stay hotel room, paid the first two months for her and then she was on her own. We moved out to the countryside so she will never think she has a place here. I never invite her over either, except big family parties on holidays, once or twice a year.
I would never have married a guy that was living with his adult daughter, big red flag. But you don't need people warning you after the fact, I'm sure.
The important thing is, it's never too late to do the right thing. I would suggest your new house be at least an hour away, so the other woman in your DH's life isn't tempted to drop in and hang out. That's what worked for me.
I thought the same thing, let
I thought the same thing, let’s downsize now. He’s not ready & like most have to go through extra stuff in the house first.
Good job you did in “cleaning house”. I’m sure you’re glad...it’s like getting your life, privacy & sanity back. I can’t wait!
Yes, a huge relief
I felt like I was getting PTSD. She was not just a peaceful couch potato when she was there either. She was actively trying to undermine us and violate our privacy.
Behind our backs, she had a bunch of BMs relatives over to "see the house" when she thought we were leaving for the airport. We surprised her and them when our flight was delayed.
She presented DH with something that my nephew left behind in our basement guest room trying to imply that it was mine (I won't go into the details of that, but she thought she had an a-ha moment).
The last straw was when we discovered she had been snooping inside our bedroom, two stories above hers, and had "borrowed" a book from the shelf beside my chair. Breaching the sanctity of our bedroom caused DH to muster the fortitude to confront her and insist that she move out.
Maybe your SD isn't desperate and crazy like mine turned out to be, but if you could just start the ball rolling you might feel better. Start looking on Zillow for a new retirement house and maybe you will both find the perfect place for the two of you. Shopping therapy.
Are you in a position to move out on your own if things don't improve? For example, could you offer as a solution that you will move out for the next 16 months or until your husband is ready to sell his old home and move into a new house with you? I think the first step is to get out of the house that your DH shares with SD that predates you. If you're like me, you'll never feel comfortable in "their" home.... for that reason, I don't think the answer is just, how can I get SD to move out; rather, I think it is time to focus on finding a home together, and agree in advance that you are not comfortable with having any other adults living with you, or staying for longer than [one week] for as guest on a vacation.
No, I’m not moving out. She,
No, I’m not moving out. She, the step daughter needs to grow up & start being an adult at 32. She’s worked full time all along, so there’s no reason for her to be still living with us. I want to relax when I’m home & she’s moody & irritating all the time.
She sounds EXACTLY like my
She sounds EXACTLY like my exes daughter.
Curious if your DH passes on before you who gets the house? Is this house both of yours, or is it his mini wifes?
Yeah that's a big worry. If
Yeah that's a big worry. If her hubby did pass away, and the house is in his name only, the shit would hit the fan...
I hope the OP has a plan in place
Both of ours now.
Both of ours now.
I'm glad it's in both of your
I'm glad it's in both of your names
Is there a protective clause
Is there a protective clause in his will so that his kids can't demand the sale of the house when he dies, in order to get their inheritance?
I am beyond words on this one..
This article is very helpful
I would love to hear your feedback!
Interesting article, but I didn’t see that those things applied in my particular situation.
For anyone considering a man
For anyone considering a man who has an adult daughter (or son) living at home with him, do.not.do.it. You will be absolutely miserable. There is rarely an exception and you aren't it! I recently learned of a newly single, divorced-again dad whose young adult daughter has moved back home and I believe just to ensure that her dad stays hers (Her recent and now former SM and her didn't get along because the daughter and her dad are having visible emotional incest, at the least, and the SM split. She'd undoubtedly had enough of her husband drooling in to his daughter's boobs while she played with her cleavage for him.)!
Just put it in reverse! Hadenough34, give him the ultimatum and if he doesn't move on it and she's not out within a month, you put it in reverse and leave him.
Thanks for your input. We
Thanks for your input. We will be discussing a time frame & going from there.
I'm there too
I'm in the same situation, my 32 year old SD is lving with us. She was with her mom and couch surfing before that in Florida, but then dad decided to move her to Alaska in June of last year. I feel for you. It's awful feeling uncomfortable in your own home and have a husband who's head is in the sand. I wish both of us luck.
Be Careful With Ultimatums; They May Backfire...
Love moves through different stages and levels in a relationship. Early on, people tend to do "whatever it takes" to make the other person comfortable and happy, in an effort to prove their love and loyalty.
As time moves the relationship forward, and roles are established and comfortable, there may not be that willingess to please the other person, but rather to stay firmly rooted in their routines ("...but we've always done it THIS WAY") or "comfort zone."
Men , in particular, become very strange creatures when their comfort levels are disrupted. Everyone else can suffer, but them. You have been uncomfortable. Talking to SD and asking her to move out will be uncomfortable. Almost ANY TYPE OF CHANGE can spark feelings of discomfort, however, change facilitates growth. Remind him that marriage is contractual and binding, whereas playing dadddeee to a 32 year old ADULT is NOT.
As time goes on, your DH may see it as you are the one who is causing conflict and strife, because, after all, he was living with his mini-wife YEARS before you showed up on the scene.
Couples need to present as a united front. That's why you both need to be present when the "moving day" conversation happens. It could begin with, "You know I am inside 2 years of retirment, and need to downsize. With that comes a smaller home, less square footage, LESS MONEY (retired) and because of that, you'll find it necessary to make other independent living arrangements." Confrontation need not be down and dirty, but factual.
I don't agree with finding your own place or moving out because once that happens, you'll be demonized and SD will continue to work on his head, "...see daaadddy, SHE'S OUR PROBLEM, look at how happy we are without HER!" Not sure what kind of relationship you have, or how strong it is, but it seems this would pose a problem, possible destroying your marriage, whereas looking for a new home together, would forge a bond. You would be working as a team for a common goal.
The best thing to do is for YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND to begin looking for that retirement home and downsizing. I'd be going through a box or two a day of clutter, posting it on FB Marketplace, Craigslist, or wherever. Show him you are taking the initiative, and that transitioning from working full-time to retirement is a PROCESS. It starts small, (clearing clutter) and works up to the big move.
Best of luck!
Thank you & I agree with everything you said. For me to move out is not the answer. I’m not going to just walk away from the marriage. The SD will be moving out & there is limited time before we will be downsizing, so she will need to be getting her own place. It’s just a matter of dealing with her until then.
Him & I can definitely start looking & talking about our future house that’s just for us. The step daughter is 100% NOT coming with us & he agrees with that.
Time for him & I to be getting rid of extra stuff that we have.
I can’t wait for it to just be him & I in our house. I will be so happy then.