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25 yr old step-daughter starting to live in the past. :( long winded...

TNT247's picture

My hubby and I are feeling very hurt and unsure where we stand at the moment. We've been together since my step-daughter has been 18 mths old. She is one of few who has had the same 4 parents in her life all her life as her mom has been with her step-dad since she was 13 mths old. That being said, when she was little, we were limited to every second weekend visitations and hubby's ex would never sway from that. She moved in with us when she was 15 and moved out just before her 19th into a house her mother owned. About a year later, she moved 5 hrs away to where her mother was now living found a wonderful man, had our 2 babies and got married last year. We couldn't be more proud. Up until about 5 mths ago, our lives seemed normal. I know she has stress in her life right now and our 2 yr old grand baby is undergoing test. But we too have been under a lot of pressure in the last 4 mths as we help my mom with my dying dad who succumbed to his illness on May 4, 2013. So now we've been at my mom's the last month helping her cope, and get things in order.

In the last 6mths or so, she pushed her sister away, son-in-law informed our son that she thinks he hates her and has told us that if we cared, we'd call more often. When we inquired about grandsons, we're told we don't check in and we expect her to keep us in the loop and that it's our job to check in on our kids and not the kids to check in on their parents. Am I wrong in thinking it's the opposite once they are adults?

Our grandson has his birthday party this weekend, so we are doing a day trip as we don't feel welcome by her.

Hubby emailed her a few weeks ago to try and get this figured out. She blaming him for their lack of relationship all of a sudden. My hubby has never been a big talker. It's always been her and I up until the wee hours yakking. She blaming him for not being able to see her cuz before she past away 10 yrs. She has been speaking a lot with uncle who has also become very distant to us all of a sudden in the last 6 wks. She's blaming him for not knowing another uncle whom my hubby and his bro has not spoken to in 18 yrs other than their mothers funeral 13 yrs ago. She also said stuff like we visit her more now that she has the boys then we did before she had them.

Why is she all of a sudden living in the past? Those boys are a true blessing for bringing two families together who never spoke before. (Hubby and ex). Please help. Sad Feeling uneasy about driving 5 hrs there for a party, and 5 hrs home and not feeling welcomed. We don't know what happened or where things went wrong.

I myself have been kind of avoid my other daughter and granddaughter who is 8 mths old and lives here in town just so the eldest doesn't feel more jealous.

What are we to do?

TNT247's picture

She never said she didn't want us to go to the party. I just feel that the tension that has been building the last few months and the time it takes her to text or respond back makes us feel we're not wanted.

I too think it may be hormones as her body gets back to normal. She had 2 boys 13 mths apart who are now 3 and 2. But one would think she'd be levelled out by now.

We have never dismissed her feelings and try to give her positive energy and hope for grandson's medical test yet we no longer know what's going on in that aspect as she feels we don't care all of a sudden because our lives have gotten busy.

I just feel lost. Sad We've always been close and truly love her as my own, after all, we have been together since she was 18 mths old. I've always been a positive/optimistic person. Some say to let negative people go in your life but how does one let go of a child who is struggling with something she refuses to share. I piece of my heart is gone. Sad and the thought that this weekend may be the last time we see her or our grandsons for a long time breaks my heart further.

TNT247's picture

She never said she didn't want us to go to the party. I just feel that the tension that has been building the last few months and the time it takes her to text or respond back makes us feel we're not wanted.

I too think it may be hormones as her body gets back to normal. She had 2 boys 13 mths apart who are now 3 and 2. But one would think she'd be levelled out by now.

We have never dismissed her feelings and try to give her positive energy and hope for grandson's medical test yet we no longer know what's going on in that aspect as she feels we don't care all of a sudden because our lives have gotten busy.

I just feel lost. Sad We've always been close and truly love her as my own, after all, we have been together since she was 18 mths old. I've always been a positive/optimistic person. Some say to let negative people go in your life but how does one let go of a child who is struggling with something she refuses to share. I piece of my heart is gone. Sad and the thought that this weekend may be the last time we see her or our grandsons for a long time breaks my heart further.

clydella's picture

Sometimes in my head, I live in the past too. If I let myself I sit around and think of all the things my Father didn't do right by me, or what I think was right. I can get to absolutely hating him in just a matter of minutes. Selfish, yes, immature, absolutely. I struggle with it, but each day I'm growing and changing.

When I come back around to my senses, I calm down, I see the parts I played in our relationship over the years as well. Then I realize the past is the past, leave it there. I live in the present, what can I do to make it better.

Perhaps your SD is going thru things in her mind and has built up some resentment towards ya'll and can't quite process it. It's easier to throw up a wall and blame everybody else for your struggles & problems than to look in the mirror and own yours.

All you can really do is be there, let her know your love for her has not changed and will not. I would go to the party, show her you care, seems like she's needs a little bit of TLC herself.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your Father, sending you a hug. Hang in there, it'll get better.