21 year old SD - can I insist she moves out?
First post and so looking forward to any insights this fab community might have. Sorry for the length..
My partner and I met 3 years ago (both late 40s) and moved in together after dating 18months. He was from a (pretty toxic) long term relationship, 2 adult kids (SS 19 and SD 21). I have no kids. SS lives with bio mum (a terrible enabler and spoiler that shows love by giving money and gifts) and SD lived with her dad for a couple years before moving in with us into our new place. New place is a beautiful brand new townhouse by the beach and she was given the top floor with a high end bathroom and a walk in robe. She's at uni and works part time, a few hours a week only really, just enough to cover the clothes and nightclubbing (3 nights a week every week). We cover all rent, food and utilities and she has zero financial contribution.
SD has only ever been polite and well mannered around me so I know I'm in front here, in terms of other people's experiences. However, she is immensely lazy and entitled - zero assistance or chores in the house, sits on sofa every night whilst we cook her dinner and then clean up etc and keeps her room and space like a filthy hovel, majority of the time. She's a princess and has been spoiled by dad (who was initially parenting out of guilt for having left the family home) and who has traditionally done everything for the family and for her. This keeping her room like a hovel/petrie dish has been a problem since she was a child and now at 21, in our shared home, it continues - I send him up there to check it occasionally and he ends up cleaning it himself - strips her filthy bed (months of unwashed sheets, fake tan ruined mattresses, linen and pillows as she’ll sleep on it without a mattress protector), wash basket jammed full (she won't wash her own clothes so he does it), bags of rubbish and mouldy food, plates with old food, cups etc, filthy bathroom which she doesn't seem to know how to clean) etc
She also expects to be included sometimes on our dinners and lunches out and thinks it’s funny to drink lots of cocktails whilst dad pays the bill.
A source of tension to us both of course (there’s been times when I complained to him and he flew off the handle) and me there wondering why a 21 year old adult can't do anything to help or keep her space reasonably tidy. And why I’m funding nearly 50% of it. He does send grumpy messages to her about her dirty room etc but never sits her down for a proper talk. He says she just cries and leaves if he does that so instead he sends messages which she largely ignores.
Recently we found out she had quit her final year of uni (because it clashed with the part time job at the gym, wtf) and was working a few part time hours a week and just nightclubbing the rest. Combined with everything else I’ve mentioned, her dad has finally hit the wall himself and we together advised her she needed to either give up that space (which we would love to have as a guest room) and move into the tiny spare room I am currently using as a study, or move out.
She denied everything, zero accountability, max entitlement and said to him she didn’t appreciate my verbal contribution to the issue and moved to her bio mums, where she’s been for a month. He refused to take me out of the conversation and backed me and our position on this and told her she was an entitled brat.
We’ve had a month of bliss living together, no adult kids.
He is finally seeing her (and SS) this weekend for lunch and will talk to her (without me, which is fine).
Question for you guys: does step mum have a say in SKIDS behaviour when living together or do i/should I have left all of it to her dad to manage and relay?
Can I insist that she moves out at this point? I’m worried that if he lets her back for one more chance that it will cause additional damage to our relationship and I know nothing will change on her end, even if we document conditions she’d need to follow. My opinion is she won’t change until she lives on her own.
Cheers all, so very much appreciate any input.