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20 yo SD Covert Ops

DENIP's picture

If anyone has seen my previous posts you know my SD lived with us for 4 years - from 16 - 20 and recently was told to leave our home in January. 

Since then, she has sent a barrage of texts to my husband that are full of manipulation, blame-shifting, emotionalism, and twisted lies. He has not shared these posts with me due to his desire to protect me and our marriage, and I am appreciative of that and love him for it. However, I'm the kind of person that needs to know what is being said so that I am not blind-sided in any way. So, I've seen these texts w/ his knowledge, and I am glad I made that decision. 

 SD refuses to see the wrong she has committed; the very wrong that had my H  extricated her from our home. 
She has been referring to me as "that woman you call your wife," and has down-played her disrespect of us both, i.e., telling me to "Shut up" and "Don't speak." 
He has held her accountable for this but she excused it saying that, "I don't disrespect for no reason." She went on to say to him, "YOU WEREN'T THERE!" Insinuating that I did and/or said things in his absence that lead to her disrespect - LIES. All communication I've used has been respectful in word and tone. I've never once raised my hand to her. I've been consistent in character and my expectations. I've communicated ALL conversations, texts, etc., with my husband so that he would never be blindsided and would know what was occurring. To me, this is a desperate attempt to cause FRICTION in our marriage, to come between us. She has even mentioned to him since I've been around [for 10 1/2 years] that's she's "always been in 2nd place." She's made this a competition and she has illusions as to how our marriage and her relationship to her F should be. She is not ignored. It's like she wants to be this 6 yo w/her thumb in her mouth, curled up on his lap, playing with his hair, watching Disney movies and playing video games. That's inappropriate for a 20 yo woman! We've even gone as far as explaining how the relationship dynamic of a girl - teen - adult changes but the love is the same. She doesn't want to hear it. She says he's not there for her, and that unless he sees things HER WAY, she is "making her distance." 
 I'm waiting to see what kind of crap she is going to make up to try and cause division and guilt. The drama she has used in her texts is sincerely "Oscar" worthy,  i.e., "I was dying in front of you and you couldn't see it!" 
I am angry as hell at the pain she is inflicting upon my husband and the crap talk she's trying to sell to my H. But, I can't take the bait. I'm just grateful she is no longer here. I'm not sure if I will ever trust her again. 

Rags's picture

Keep her gone, but also keep baring her ass for her delusional lies, etc....

IMHO of course.

These types never grow up, they rarely ever become fully viable adults, they will remain victims at some level in all aspects of their lives, and.... you and DH need to maintain contact with that reality, keep discussing it, keep working your defense plan to keep her isolated, and defend your marriage from her ceaseless victimhood.

Take care of you. Take care of each other. Take care of your marriage.

SD is the enemy at the gate. Never forget that.


DENIP's picture

Thank you for that. My prayer is that she will enter into cognitive behavioral therapy and get the help she needs to see things the right way in this stage of her life.  I will never see her the same and plan on cutting her off relationally. I don't like her,  the person she has become. She has made this a competition since the beginning. In her teens, she even told one of the daughters of my friend in youth group that she didn't like me. I've always sensed that to some degree and could only take her in "small doses" prior to her moving in with us. I didn't want anyone living with us, but she was in need of a safe place to get through her teens and high school. All we've done for her was at if it it were not at all. And she continues to not only aim her "sling shot" at me, but her father also. She's making great efforts to try and manipulate DH to pin him against me and side with her. It's delusional and it is sick. She needs help. 

Rags's picture

I would adjust the stance that "she needs help" to... she needs to help herself. She is an adult. From this point going forward her life's outcome is on her. Keep that front and center. Let her crash and burn. Only then will there be any chance she will learn.

We have a limited period as parents to raise our kids/Skids.  They can listen and learn, or they can feel. Once they reach the age of majority, it is all on them. They can figure out how to finish growing up on their own time and their own dime.

Stop investing your emotion in her choices. After all, they are her choices. Rather than worry for her, point out her bullshit, keeping pointing it out, and keep asking her how her choices feel as she fails to learn.

I would.

Take care of you.

IMHO of course.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Yeah...@rags is correct, these types rarely change their tune. Be wary and cautious when she is in your presence and do NOT see her without your DH around. No reason to. She will continue to bring you misery.

I have one adult SKID who is the perpetual "victim." Everything he does and the problems he has are because of his direct actions but he's unable to see it or more likely unwilling to take a hard look. He blames poor ole' stepmom for his troubles and goes on licking his wounds. I am so FAR removed that the recent cry for "Dadddeeee help!" was so far fetched and pathetic my DH didn't even know what to do with it. He sort of sat their stunned when I was blamed for the most recent episode of adult male son crying. He told me what happened and I literally felt nothing for the adult SKID. I just had a stone cold look on my face and said "he better get over himself." 

DENIP's picture

Perpetual victim is right! She's playing that "tiny fiddle" as we speak. I don't trust her to be alone with her, just so she can try and use it falsely against me. 

It's almost laughable how they blame like, "Are you on a 'trip' in 'Wonderland?!" Because this is plain insanity. No truth to it whatsoever. It's pathetic and sad. My guard is WAY up. We've been recently gathering professional information to learn how to counteract her toxic behaviors. She's not gonna have us think we've lost our minds. Stay waaaaay over there, it's what I say. Thank you for your reply. 


Exjuliemccoy's picture

The worse her behavior, the more you need to make your home a sanctuary filled with peace. Most men just want to be comfortable, so be the opposite of his drama-filled daughter. I know it sounds sexist, but a clean home, good meals, and good sex with a rational wife trumps crazy every time.

DENIP's picture

For sure! I do my best! Our home indeed is our sanctuary. We both have been intentional about keeping peace. He needs to put her on "radio silence" and say no more to get, since she stated that she will keep herself distanced until he sees things HER WAY. I pray he doesn't even reply to that bait. Time to cut her off completely. Maybe she'll come to her senses. 

MorningMia's picture

Can your DH set a boundary: Their communication will not include her talking about you. Period.

I disengaged from my SD after chronic bad behavior and her refusal to apologize.

Boundaries and disengagement are like magic. You two take care of you two. 

DENIP's picture

I am going to make that suggestion to him - to not put up with her talking about or referring to me. She should really be keeping the conversation between the two of them since I'm not technically included in these texts and not able to speak to what she is saying. Thank you. 

Harry's picture

No biggy. I am sure there's people out there that doesn't like you.   SD has the right to her opinion,  You have the right to disengage with her.   DH has to make a choice,  he can not sit in the fence hopping things will work out.  They are not .  DH is still with you, he chose you and his new family.  SD is out,  OUT of your home, family and , mind.   No gifts, no birthday or Christmas gifts 

DENIP's picture

Exactly. He knows her reasons for not liking me have no real basis other than:

  1. I don't put up with foolishness, manipulation, or disrespect.
  2. I keep it real and I follow through. 
  3. I'm married to her father. 

She is mad because I happened to be the one to catch her disrespecting us and our home, in a way that she was warned not to by DH, or else. She should be mad at herself for getting caught for the 3rd time, but instead, she blames me for exposing her/it, and her father for making her leave. I could not care less what she feels about me because I know I did my part when she was here, with respect and care. She's just pulling at straws now to change the narrative to try and manipulate her way back into this house. She just keeps digging herself a deeper hole.