No way ANY husband should be scolding his wife - especially with respect to how she doesn't bow down and kiss the ass of a grown woman.

You are right - this is totally HIS fault. OMG - how can you even get dressed much less have sex with someone in the room with you?

Did you contribute financially to the loft purchase? Do you work and have an independent income? I ask because he may consider the loft all his if he put out all the $$, and therefore thinks you can't veto his decisions regarding it. If you have your own money, I would suggest that you simply go stay in a hotel while she's in your space. He can enjoy some quality one-on-one time with his little precious, and you can have some peace and quiet, away from her complaining, and eat what you want and watch what you want. The two of you don't have to be together 24/7 to have a happy marriage. SD will get older, and eventually she may even have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) whose company she enjoys more than daddy's. Is this a hill to die on? That's always the question I ask myself. Your answer may surprise you, if you can separate the issues sufficiently to make a decision that is best for you and your future. I don't think it is reasonable to continue the current arrangement where you have no privacy and no say when or if she visits. The options are for him to go elsewhere to visit, or for you to go elsewhere when she visits. Maybe do some of both. At this point, changing the dynamic that exists between them will be very difficult, maybe a lot more trouble than it's worth in the long run.

"So if I die tomorrow, are you just not going to look after her?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WOW...Just WOW.

This is your husband. You should not have to constantly lie to him to hide your feelings.

Now I'm not in favor of just blurting out "I hate her" everyday. But when he accuses you of not liking her why deny it? You can say something like "We don't have much in common or she's not my favorite person to spend time, I don't really enjoy her company" rather than saying "I'd rather spend time with a rabid monkey than your hideous daughter".

And yes you can tell him that it is not acceptable for her to live with you forever. He's acting like this is a 4 year old.

I own our home with no mortgage. So yes I do feel like I have more "rights" to it than DH. SS28 can NEVER move in. But I would never tell DH that my sister, niece, nephew, etc. was moving in and he had no say.

When he asked you if you were going to look after her after his death you should have just said no. period. dot. And then ask if she is going to look after you in your old age.

It sounds like you are afraid of his anger. Do not let him manipulate you with threats of rage. That is psychological abuse.

You are entitled to speak up for what you want and need. If you refrain from doing so out of fear that "he will get upset", then you are creating the future that you DON'T want. I assume that he was okay with your not wanting to bear cild(ren) with him. In fact, you said you never wanted children at all. It is amazing that he now thinks you should love SD like your own. Was he not listening when you talked about that? He should be able to grasp that you are not a person who is interested in being a parent. At all. Not ever. Not to his daughter. Not to anyone.

Keep in mind that you will never get what you fail to ask for, or insist upon, if necessary. Tongue-holding is a useful skill, but you may be overdoing it. You can prepare a plan of action so you get what you need, and he can get over himself and recognize that his wife is an adult person with a mind of her own, and different from himself. You are too young to spend your life with an argumentative unreasonable man.

>when she's with us, we have to watch the movies she likes (she still watches the Disney Channel).<

And she's 20!?!?! No wonder she can't get a job! That channel actually sucks the IQ right out of you. SS watches that show and you can actually see the IQ drop on his face. I'm totally serious! His eyes glaze over, his mouth slowly drops open and he starts drooling over himself.

Sorry I don't have much in the way of advice, but I am seriously considering getting that channel removed from my cable package.

I don't even understand. She only lives 20 minutes away, right? So why would she EVER need to spend the night? At 20, I lived with my fiancé. I didn't do overnight visits with my mom and dad even though I am very close to them and love them very much. Your dh can't even figure out if she's a guest or a resident. If she's a guest, then no she is not free to just show up anytime she likes without the permission of both homeowners. But if she is a resident who is free to come and go-then she doesn't get catered to by watching her shows, eating her fave foods-instead life would just go on around her.

Perhaps you could share that you are uncomfortable with her spending the night because you might like to have some intimate time with him? Perhaps you could purchase a nice new nightie and wear it next time she is over. Perhaps SHE might even begin to see that her "sleeping over" is inappropriate

He scolds you, hold up wait a minute, put a stop to that right now. He does not respect you as a woman or his wife if he treats you like a child. My DH told me one time jokingly, that if I got a speeding ticket (yes I'm a speeder) he's was gonna take his belt off and whoop me. I looked at him and said ok Dadddeee in my best SD voice. Then I proceeded to light him up and explain to him that I was not a child and he better never speak to me like that again. Ooh I get mad just thinking about it and he was joking.

Stand up girl, declare your womanhood and don't be a doormat for this man & his child, cause if she acts like that at 20, she's still a child. Your home is a safe haven, your DH should respect you in it and your say about what happens there. And, whether he wants to believe it or not, she's a guest and you know the saying about guests, Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

I left a marriage to a man with an anger issue. So I learned not to speak up. When things went wrong as they always did (didn't matter if I actually had anything to do with the event), it would be my fault anyway. Sort of like being a stepmom.

Then I married DH. We have been married for 8 years. Only now am I learning how to speak up for myself, especially regarding his children. I ask for what I need. I tell him when something isn't working for me. I am open to compromise, although I do have line-in-the-sand stances on some things. So does he.

I am not saying it is easy. It's still tough as can be for me sometimes, and I'm not a role model for success. But I have vowed to myself (and to DH) that I will not be dishonest by saying something is ok when it isn't. Even if you don't SAY something is ok, by not speaking up about it you give your tacit consent (and silently seethe). You will eventually implode if you don't speak up for yourself.

Ok, basically, you are being forced to walk on eggshells with the man you share yourself, your bed, and your life with???? All b/c he can't detach himself from his ADULT daughter? This may not be the hill to die on but, it should be the hill to throw them both off of. (Hopefully, it is a steep one, lol.) Don't get me wrong, in life there are battles that need not be waged.... except in matters where one person is being told that their feelings, thoughts, and opinions have no value as part of the group as a whole. He says, 'we are family' yet he gives you absolutely no recourse other than HIS way.

My marriage was a good one. We got on famously, had the same likes and dislikes, etc. We only ever argued when it came to his kids (or the BM.) More to the point, the way he elected to parent them. Which was to be an open wallet and not to have any expectations of them to grow into productive and responsible adults. He took the term parent as a noun and I took the term parent as a verb. In the end, I found that I had sacrificed myself into a hole and my life was not my own. I gave him ample opportunity to turn things around with us and he obviously didn't see 'us' as the priority. So, I left and didn't look back. You have to ask yourself what you're getting out of this deal. If you are the third wheel instead of being the second wheel that balances the load, your marriage will fail. HE has to see things that way too, or else you will be the one compromising yourself for the 'family' that only he and his ADULT daughter are a part of. Perhaps some kind of counseling would be beneficial. IDK. Life on the other side is pretty good so don't let fear of being on your own keep you rooted in unhappiness too long. Bitterness is never a good quality, lol.

Wishing you all the best on your path to sanity.

Sounds similar to my situation. Everytime the almost 19 year old stops by, my DH is begging her to stay over. Like she is a 5 year old girl again. She has never had a real boyfriend and she acts like a 13 year old. She watches stupid shows that a 13 year would watch. Its funny because both boys she's dated dumped her. And she was actually out of THEIR league! Just goes to show that it is her immaturity level and bad attitude.

Your DH has enabled SD to the point of where she actually behaves as a child, but that's another matter entirely. The biggest issue here is your husband's lack of respect for you and your opinion. There's no way in hell anyone is coming into my home without my permission and my DH is fully aware of this and it's two-sided. I wouldn't do it to him either. It's a matter of respect.

Years ago I moved in w/DH and SD(25) at the time. I did it against my wishes, but he wanted me to bond w/her. . didn't happened. We were in a competition. She was mean, evil and malicious. After 3 years of her foolishness I forced her out because I felt she wasn't moving fast enough because DH had made things a little to cushy for her.

The plan was she'd stay with us until she finished school, then she'd find a job and get a place. She finished school, pretended to look for work for a year, found work and was in no hurry to move out. She paid a pittance in rent, went on weekly shopping sprees, and came and went as she pleased.

DH told her she could stay as long as she needed to save money for her own place. I was miserable and threatened divorce. I hated coming home. I put my foot down and made him charge her a real rent. I took him by the hand to our bedroom every chance I got so she'd get the message we wanted privacy. She finally got the hint and found a place in a matter of weeks. To this day, I feel like I was cheated out of the important first years of marriage because of her evil BS.

Fast forward to today. SD and I don't have a relationship. Just this morning I asked DH how he felt that SD and I didn't have a relationship and he said he wished we'd both make an effort. We . .wth. I reminded him of how evil she treated me and how she excluded me from her wedding planning even after I gave her some resources to help. I reminded him of how his sisters threw her a bachelorette dinner and how my feelings were hurt when I found out because I hadn't been invited. I reminded him of all the malicious and evil things she did when she lived here. To be honest, she should be lucky I have anything to say to her. I told him I'd made the effort, but she's made it clear that she didn't want a relationship and at this point, I didn't care. DH now realizes the error of his ways in spoiling, coddling and enabling her. It hurts him that we don't have a relationship, but she is the monster he created . .not me.

Maybe one day your DH will see the error of his ways, but even if he doesn't you have to stand up to him and demand respect. Your opinions and thoughts matter. You are his wife and you now come first.

reread shannon61. sounds like guilt all the way. as long as you understand that SD will always come before you in all things, you will be fine.

otherwise, be prepared to disengage completely and have an emotional life of your own. you will never come first in his eyes.

remarried fathers have no guts when it comes to the skids. they are pushovers.

My SO doesn't understand why I don't reach out more to his daughters. I say they are adults 19 and 24, the road goes both ways. I told him I will never really bond with them, we won't be BFF's. The most he can want is that we get along and respect each other and that's what we do pretty much. They've complained about me in the past to him and he never squashed it, now we just don't talk about their issues. He recently mentioned going to Hawaii, saying he's love to take me there, but then quickly added that he'd love to take his daughters along too...then added take my daughter (33) too. I didn't say anything, if it ever really comes down to it, I would not go! I would ask him why he feels the need to take his daughters on a vacation afterall they are adults now. I know why, he can't justify spending money on just he and I, he would have to '
treat' everyone. And under those circumstances I would not go. Now I would love for my daughter to get to take a trip, she works hard and pays her own way (with occasional help from me, but very little). I can picture the trip now...he and his 2 daughters and me and mine doing separate things. Our daughters have only been in the same room on a couple of occasions, and his girls were pretty rude to my daughter, not talking to her at all. He still the 'guilty dad'.

It is all familiar territory for me as well. Like your DH, mine is intelligent and the most wonderful man I have ever met but has severe blindness when it comes to SD17.

One thing I feel I did wrong that I would like to share with any step parent is that I applied my skills, passion and commitment to "fixing" things in the mislead belief that it would help. It has exhausted me. My SD17 is a lot like yours, difficult conversationally, stunted in maturation and hard work to be around. I worked so hard with DH organising driving lessons for her, promoting the idea of a part time job, insisting on some normal socialising. Every step was hard work with DH pushing back and it created so many arguments. Now that some of these things have paid off, DH uses them as "See how well she is doing." Unfortunately I feel it has created a feeling for him that he is going to prove how good his daughter is.

Do not do what I did. I got it wrong. It took so much out of me. SD17 has benefited a great deal from my interference in getting her first part time job and being pushed to have driving lessons however that was not my business or my job and it has now masked the underlying issues. DH resents me for it as well and trying to get these things moving caused so many fights and arguments. I did also once cave in and say that SD17 is hard work to be around. To this day I regret that because it was critical and I sympathise that no parent wants to hear that.

At least you can learn from my mistakes.

Be clear about your boundaries and speak up about those. Also I would have escaped a lot more (SD17 is 50%) but I am trapped with a small child to look after. If I wasn't I would get out at night especially. I do get out and catch up with other mums on the weekend which gives me a break.

@karmaqueen, your post was so horrible. it's a shame the wake up call came so late.

it's not about money, it's about guilt.

in regard to the OP, it sounds like a mini wife or mistress.

OMG.....this is basically the EXACT SITUATION I am in!! Only my SD is 19, almost 20 and lives with us!

DH pays for all of her expenses as well, she goes to a University and is in a Sorority, she's extremely manipulative, expensive, spoiled and unappreciative. Entitled beyond belief.

DH allows her to do anything and everything she wants, she also is unemployed and without responsibility. We pay for gas, clothes, food, all college expenses etc. DH get's defensive if I say anything about SD and SD also has come to dismiss my authority, opinion or ownership.

I've been at my wits end with a grown child in my home who goes out and parties and does whatever the hell she wants, all while DH enables and encourages it.

BTW, she also controls the damn TV in the living room when we're in there!! Thank God she doesn't watch the Disney channel anymore but all she wants to watch are the same haunting shows over and over again.

Wow I thought I was the only one thinking and going through this. Great to know I am not going insane. :jawdrop:

My DH even gives SD23 beer when she is over even though she's not working full-time, terrible parenting :?

I read your post to my DH tonight. He commented on what a dis-service your DH is doing to his DD. I almost choked because my DH has done all the same things to his nasty, spawn, malicious brat of a daughter. Fascinating he could see it in another situation but not his own. This is coming from a guy who swooned over SD25 at the time (now almost 30 going on 12)and tried tirelessly to find new and exciting ways to please her. She is a nasty brat and now has a child she cannot take care of; she got pregnant on purpose to get attention. Anyway, several years ago, We went on a trip. While at our destination, my DH Was going to make my favorite pork dinner. What do you know, All of a sudden princess brat announces that she doesn't eat pork. This is the same bitch that had dinner at our house and was talking about the pork roast she had made for her boyfriend. So, daddy went to the store and bought the little skank what she wanted; damn brat. We rented a van to drive to our destination; it had a DVD player in it. Psycho princess got to watch a movie she wanted and blasted the sound while I was driving. On the way back, DH drove and told me when I wanted to watch a movie that princess didn't want to watch a movie and if I did then "I'd have to keep it down"; princess wanted to read. (She was 27 at the time of this trip). I was ignored the whole trip. It was 5 long days. We went to our favorite vacation spot but since we had princess brat along we had to do what she wanted. We went fishing. Usually my DH stays close by and congratulates me on my catches. This time we were float tubing while fishing. I was all alone in this big lake for hours. You got it, daddy spent his whole day paddling close to princess and only yelling my name to show me what a big catch she would get. When I would catch a fish, I'd yell his name and he'd just wave at me; he was too busy playing with his precious little spawn. We had hired a good friend as our fishing guide. Thank goodness he was there to talk to me. I paddled to shore and had lunch and a beer with him. He was shocked as he had never seen my husband ignore me the way he was. It was pathetic. This was back before DH realized what an ungrateful liar his DD was. He paid her rent, her car insurance and bought her a new car so " she could go to school". 6 semesters later and princess had yet to complete 1 class. Daddy took the car away ( I couldn't believe it). She had trashed this brand new $30,000 car in less than 2 years. It was full of dings, cigarette burns, cigarette butts put out in the cup holders and a bag of weed in the compartment. She had racked up over $1000 in tickets and toll fines that daddy paid for. When daddy intercepted the car when princess went on a rage looking for her boyfriend ( who was living off of daddy too. He gave her $1000 a month to live on) and she broke down. Little baby had a flat tire at 1 am about 40 minutes from where daddy lives. So princess has daddy tow her and pick her stupid ass up to take her home at 1 in the morning. Who cares if daddy had to be at work at 8 am the next day(dumb bitch never heard of AAA which she had). Well when daddy had it towed to the tire shop, he got the shock of his life when he went to pay for the car. He saw how she destroyed and disrespected it. Daddy took the car away. This was the first time in princesses life that she had ever been disciplined and boy she didn't like it. She proceeded to threaten suicide because daddy took the car. Real nice manipulation there princess. She calls me and trashes us and I stick up for daddy. Then he doesn't speak to me for a month because how dare I be disrespectful to baby snot bag princess; we have to kiss her ass. Many years later, the trashy brat calls daddy screaming at him, trashing him and me and said horrible things to her father. Due to this tantrum, She's now been out of our lives since May; it's been wonderful. Finally my DH sees her for the rotten, spoiled, piece of trash that she is. It's sad we had to go through all of that to get where we are. I'm glad I hung on. I now have a great DH who is free of satans spawn. I hope she never calls us again. DH admitted that its nice without having to cater to her adult sick ass. What a blessing.