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TIME.com: Are Stepparents Real Parents?

SympatheticBioDad's picture

I read this tonight and it put a smile on my face. I hope it does the same to you. This is the first time I've read that courts considered a steparent (or a non-biological parent) anything other than a stranger without rights.

Here's a citation (with link):

Are Stepparents Real Parents?
A Supreme Court decision involving lesbian parents could affect millions more American families.

This week the Supreme Court let stand a ruling that ultimately could affect as many as one-third of all Americans — anyone in a stepfamily. But you'll probably never realize it from any news reports on the ruling.

What do you think?

Nise's picture

I think it is good and bad at the same time…I wonder where parental rights will begin and step-parent rights will end…how will the put definition to the “ever blurring” line of parenthood?!

Sweatheart's picture

My husband signs assigmnet books, report cards, etc for his stepkids, my bio kids all of the time. Administering medicine? I can't believe stepparents don't have more rights. It really pissed me off reading that story.

SM Kelly's picture

I just found this site and think it's great. I'm not sure if this fits in this particular area but, I'm not sure of the rights of the step parent.

I came out of a relationship nearly two years ago. The only thing that I was concerned about was, "Am I going to be able to see my step daughter - get visitation?"

I became very close to my step daughter. While my ex knows that this is the only thing that binds us, he uses this at every opportunity to get close. This summer, I had her for one day. She was so excited and enjoyed her time but, just as I felt, she felt it wasn't enough. We were happy to see one another but sad to know we would not see one another (maybe) until next summer. It all depends on her father's 'state of mind.'

I don't know if I should just cut all ties between myself, my daughter and my step daughter. While I did not want to stir up anything in her father's family, I wonder what rights there are for step parents in Ontario.

goldenlife's picture

Were you guys ever married?

SM Kelly's picture

No, we were never legally married. We lived together for two years. It's considered common-law marriage here.

tiff's picture

I sign school forms. etc for my sd's I also have a standing consent form with the school and the doctors office- as well as a notarized one in my car for emergencys. I am more of a mother to my children then their bio mom and it does upset me I have no rights- Luckily my husband is a wonderful man and if anything happened to us - he would look out for his children's best intrest and allow me visitation- Otherwise it would hurt them and he knows it. However, I do become upset with anyone considering me any less of a parent- when their own bio mom choose drugs over them and I have supported emotionally, financially, and lovingly for the last 2 years.

tyra's picture

I often wonder about this as well. I get along well with my SD and she has a half brother and one on the way. I wonder if something happen to my DH what would become of our relationship with my SD, Biomom and I don't get along so I doubt that she would allow me visitation, considering I am not even allowed to be refered to as her stepmom. I, too, am in Ontario and wonder what the laws would be. If not for me then for her siblings. There must be some sort of laws protecting those relationships.

cobaltiis's picture

I have been married for almost 4 years and was the custodial stepmother for 4 years to a now 14 and 15 year old girl and boy. My relationship with them was fantastic. They were like sponges when it came to affection. I worked with their self-esteem, focused on school work, respect, honest and accountability. I used positive motivation charts and got a tutor for the son who failed 6th grade.
They loved me, trusted me and respected me. Their father did not.

I left because of the constant putdowns, verbal abuse and disrespect. I refused to discuss our topics in front of the children. They have been through hell. Their father has been the only constant in their life.

He refused to address our problems and refused to go to counseling or come and see me when I left. I came back for long weekends and at Thanksgiving and pleaded with him to leave the house so we could talk. He refused. I was able to see the children in December, but now he is letting them know they "do not have to see me if they don't want to". I know his MO as this is what he did with their BM (who left in 2/05 to another state and calls once a week, but doesn't see them because she can't deal with ex's controlling behavior). I heard what he said, and saw the children "decide" not to talk to her to please their dad. I kept the BM in our prayers and made sure that they knew she loved them. I didn't speak ill of her because I know that they are a by-product of her, and this would affect their self-esteem.

Now their father is hateful and angry with me (an anger issue that has nothing to do with me)and I get no return emails or phone calls from the children. I interacted with their teachers, the neighbors, their friends, etc. The neighbors said I was the best thing that happened to them. They saw a big change. Even got them involved in youth group. They no longer go or go to church. Their father says he loves them more than anything in the world and that they come first, so why would he take away their security and role model and all the family that comes with it (grandparents, aunts, cousins)? He is thinking only of himself and how to hurt me.

I feel so sorry for the children, but now they will not say thank you to my parents for the xmas gifts or my sister. The SS deletes my email messages without reading them and refuses any contact. I am heartbroken.

Do I continue to reach out without any reciprocation? I want them to know that I love them and will always be there for them.

By the way, the SS was failing in school and got his grades up to near honor roll level, joined wrestling and ROTC, and now that I have gone, he has 3 Fs and is failing 9th grade. His father doesn't seem to think schoolwork is that important and Ds are fine.

Please help me. Any wisdom would help.

p.s. my friends and family are so happy I finally left this abusive relationship. I gave it everything I had, but ex refused to learn to communicate or address any problems. Everything is my fault. No accountability on his end. I went for counseling by myself. I miss the children so much.

Thanks.

stamina's picture

It sounds as though they are moving on...all of them...for whatever reasons. You deserve to have a life that is complete...an abusive relationship does not make for a happy present or future. Grieve the relationships but move on...