I am new to this forum and I am getting some counseling to help me deal with situation I have at home with my 22 year old stepson who is living with us. He has a lot of mental issues in addition to tourettes syndrome and me and others in my family have noticed how my wife babies him and does not allow him grow and become more independent. He lost a job last year due to having a panic attack and the company calling an ambulance after hearing him echo soms suicidal thoughts. They would not give him his job back after he requested coming back after originally putting in his 2 weeks notice. According to him, this was because of him being scared of his manager after his manager and a coworker said some threatening things to him about his disorder whereby he has verbal noises that he cannot control.
He later got another job about 2 months later and he quit the job after about 3 weeks saying he just did not fit in and someone has stolen his coat.
He gets SSI income of about 400 a month. He has lived with me for about 1 1/2 years and has not ever given 1 penny towards room and board. The problem with all of this, is that he bought a brand new car last year shortly after getting his first job and his dad cosigned for him. Prior to getting his first job, he was spending every bit of that 400 in SSI income and had constantly borrowed money off of me. He has a spending problem where he spends every penny he gets. After he quit his second job, he wrote to a friend on the Internet who send him $1,000 on month and $1,000 on another month. My stepson blew thru that money quickly buying clothes, cigarettes, eating out, and buying porn. My wife has had to call his bank several times to talk them out of overdraft charges when he overdrew the account. He also has addictions to porn and spends money on porn videos that he does not really have to spend. My wife had started keeping his debit card and credit card to better control his spending. One morning, he woke me and my wife up around 6:00 AM in the morning to ask for some money from his account. I was upset about being work up this early and told my wife. I never said a word directly to me stepson. She got mad at me and told me that my stepson did not think he was doing anything wrong and she did not like how I was being towards him. In the same sentence she told me he wanted some money to go out and buy some porn that morning. Am I wrong for being mad for being awakened so someone can get some money to go out and buy some porn?
He has maxed out the only credit card he has already. He does not have a job now and I told my wife his dad needs to come and get the car and trade him givng my stepson his used car until my stepson gets a job again. At least he will still have a car and will have no car payments to pay with his 400 in SSI. Otherwise, he will keep borrowing money off of us. I am paying half of my salary out in child support and alimony to my first wife and cannot afford to keep supporting my stepsons spending problems. My wife did get a job a few months ago which now helps but she has some bills too which I was previously struggling to pay when we only had my income to live on. She does not want him to lose that car so it seems to me the best solution is for his dad to come and pick up his car since he is the cosigner and give my stepson his old car to drive. His dad is reluctant to do that right now and wants to wait until April. In the meantime, I am concerned that my stepson will keep taking money from us. I am seeing a lot of debit card activity where extra cash is being taken out on trips to Walgreens and other stores, so I suspect my wife is slipping him some money here and there. We recently got a 45 rebate on a medical bill and she told me she gave him the cash. This seems to be contributing to my stepsons spending problems snd does not teach him anything?
I am at my wits end here. I have only been married now to my wife for 1 1/2 years. I accepted the fact the my stepson had tourettes syndrome, but I did not know he had this spending problem, and addiction to porn. My wife also recently shared with me that my stepson was gay. The bigger problem I see here is my wife keeps making all the phone calls for my stepson when it comes to issues with his car, his bank accounts, problems at the doctor's office, etc. I dont see where she is helping him by not allowing him to be more independent. She got mad at me after my stepson quit his second job and said that he was crying because he was concerned he let me down since I just bought him an alarm clock to help him get up for his job. I was disappointed because I did not feel 3 weeks was enough time for my stepson to decide whether or not he fit in on the job. I never said anything directly to my stepson, but I was quiet around him because quite frankly, I was very disaappointed him him. I am concerned here that she again is not letting him grow up and just feels sorry for him every time he cries.
We also sat down and gave him a chore list to at least clean up his own messes around the house. He was previously keeping his bedroom a sloppy mess. leaving dishes in the sink he dirtied for someone else to wash, leaving his laundry for his mother to wash, not helping out with the garbage, not cleaning up after his pet. We sat down with him and reviewed a chore list to address all the previous items and had expectations that he would clean up after his own messes. The only thing he has improved upon on his chore list is that he is keeping his bedrooom cleaned up a little better. But my wife keeps doing his laundry, both me and my wife wash his dishes he dirties, my wife and I empty the garbage in the house, and my my wife cleans up after his pet.
He also make a lot of noise in house at 2-4 AM in the morning having meals in the kitchen which shares a wall with out bedroom. I have told my wife on numerous occassions to please ask my stepson to be more quieter on workdays when I have to get up on the morning for work. I hear pot and pans clanging, the microware door being opened and closed, and the refrigerator door and ice maker constantly being accessed my my stepson. I was told to quit being such a light sleeper. All I am asking is for my stepson to be a little considerate of those of have to work in the morning and to be quieter when he is up in the wee hours of the morning.
I feel like an outsider here because I can never say anything wrong about my stepson without my wife jumping all over me saying my stepson has never done anything to me, he is polite, etc. What should I do. It is getting to the point, where I am going to terminate this marriage if I have to. I have high blood pressure and cannot keep dealing with all this added stress.