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Step Mother's Bill of Rights

Marbear's picture

1. Our marriage/partnership is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
2. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
3. People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
4. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
5. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
6. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
7. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
8. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
9. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home or abused by anybody.
10. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

Anybody want to add to these rules, please do!!

SoccerMomNeedsVan's picture

i got one. My stepchildren and bio children will both be treated as equals in my home by all sides of the family and there will not be any difference in discipline or praise between ANY of the children in my home.

Littlemama4's picture

Such a great comment , my MIL singles out my ss10. When ever I upload photos on facebook , she looks for ss and only likes those! Crazy ! And my two youngest are her bio grandchildren! She also makes sure ss gets the biggest most expensive presents and clothes, while the other children get nothing! Makes me so angry! 

Jcksjj's picture

My mother in law "loves" all the ones with her bios and then just "likes" the ones that have my son - even if the other kids are in it. And then takes FILs phone and does the same thing. 

Also she complained to DH that he didnt put enough pictures of SD up (he hardly uses FB). But she has put up literally 2 pics of my 1 year old ever and posts tons and tons of SD.

And the presents - dont even get me started on that.

Rags's picture

I agree though with one caveat.  "In an age appropriate manner."  Kids of different ages are not equal and are not treated the same.  Priveledges are different for different aged children.  Discipline is different for variouse aged children.

frugalmom13's picture

I love this list!! I think that I am going to print this off and post it in the house. It is perfect!!

steptwins's picture

Dang! I didn't get a single one of those as SM to DH's swins. I am so far off the mark right now. I gave up after 2 years of fighting, the last year w/o fighting & disengaging. But still not one of those 10 applies to me. Bummer.

oldprincess's picture

Number eight hits home for me! BM acted outrageous in my home to SD and my own daughters...threw a tempter tantrum and stormed out without SD! I called her out on her behavior and she is no longer welcome to set foot in my home. My home is a safe place free from mind games to be played upon children! DH supports me all the way...can't wait for the day BM attempts to set foot into my home again and I politely block her way...and smile!

Sezzza's picture

this is relevant to me as well....before final orders were made my ss5 used to run into my house to find me when his mother dropped him off which is fine because he lives with my partner and i but bio mum would just follow him in with no respect to my home or me...even going so far as to invite her father into my home where he said derogatory things about my partner in front of both ss and ds

jythia3's picture

I love this!! I wish I had it before my family fell apart. It is a contract all should have to sign and obey or be punished. }:)

dotherighthing's picture

How do you enforce it? I have allowed myself to be treated like an outsider in my own home. Sad

tofurkey's picture

Looooooove love love this list. I agree, I think I will print this out, maybe put some bold and underline in there lol Wink

How about: I will not put my happiness on the back burner so other's feelings can be spared?

Orange County Ca's picture

How are these going to be enforced?

Face it step-parents and to a large degree non-custodial parents are powerless in most day to day situations.

caregiver1127's picture

All of these items on the list were agreed to by DH and myself before we got married - I am not saying that he always followed through on every one - but 99% of the time we live by these items.

coppertop39's picture

Oh, this is exactly what I've been looking for! Still new to the role of stepmom, and hoping I can nip some of these issues in the bud. If only I could get BM to agree to #4...

iciechick's picture

I have number 11;

11. If older Stepchild (17), constantly states, that I am not a parent. I will not take on any parental responsibilities. Blum 3

luv007's picture

Number 9 is my favorite. My mother in law and the exwife are EXCELLENT at making me feel like an outsider in my own home, all over the phone.

kalmolil's picture

How about..."I will no longer answer the telephone when you call me if you're going to cry and yell and throw a fit because you don't like the answer you've been given" - BM does that A LOT. She loves to call when she KNOWS DH is working and pretends to not realize it, then proceeds to discuss her business with her kid with me but doesn't get the answer she wants so she starts crying and boo-hooing and the whole "why are you so mean to me..." bit. DON'T FREAKING CALL AND TALK TO ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!!

Peri's picture

OMG I love it!

There are other people in this world who feel as I do and who have been disrespected in the same ways I have been. I've felt so isolated and alone with this for so long. As a step-parent I wish I could take away all that you have suffered but I'm so glad to find I'm not alone.

This bill of rights is so bloody wonderful I'm going to print it off right now and paste it to my wall.

THANK YOU!

connolly's picture

I am NOT alone! yay....I knew it wasn't me....but a little validation goes a long way! thank you!

Asy's picture

OMG, this is GREAT!!! As soon as my husband gets home from work, we are going to go over this list and add what we need for our little nest. Its so wonderful that I not only found this site full of people who know the score but also finding this thread. So many of us out there need this kind of support and I for one feel lucky to have found this little piece of sanity in cyber space. Smile

jaohlund's picture

I love this! It's all the things my DH and I "discuss" often! Number 8 really hits home for me! BM recently came into my home when she came to pick up SS...I know she snooped around because several little traps were set. Of course, she denies it all...and I can't really prove any of it. My DH doesn't get that my home was one of the last parts of my/our life she hadn't invaded. All that is left now is my workplace.

stepmomtotwoteenagers's picture

Hi all,

I just tried to discuss this with my husband. He told me that he thought I was full of BS and he wasn't interested. Story of my life. Hmmm what to do?? I think I know the answer, I just don't like it.

OMO's picture

Dirol Just posted this Bill of Rights on my fridge door. Added scriptures to each rule for better measure. Let's see how long it gets to stay there.

andei7's picture

these are all right and should always be follwed except somehow they are always broken or ignored and it is not fair and i know life isnt fair but come on 10 rules arent that hard to follow !!!!!

and i also love #'s 1,2,4,7 Now those rules are for real what ned to be followed !!!!!! thank you i am printing this off and it is also going on our fridge !!!!!! Biggrin

Rags's picture

the SPBOR or SMBOR has been a staple of online Step communities for years.

It is a great tool and one that every Sparent should post on the fridge and defend to the bitter end.

Stepmom of StepD18 D22 D24 and a Biomom of D20's picture

I've been feeling so alone and lost in my five years of marriage that came with a package of three daughters who made my life a living hell. I am somewhat relieved to know that i wasn't the only one. Thank you for the Ten!!!

Shake.it.off.'s picture

I am so thankful there is a site such as thing. I thought I was being selfish and unfair when I thought about these exact rules/rights in my head, my own feelings, until I came upon this forum. Step children have rights, spouses have rights to have access to their children, but I never knew a step parent could have rights too.
Number 3 really hits home for me real hard. My spouse's family is very involved in his life, and his biological son's life that I often feel my feelings or emotions do not matter most the time.
Number 6 also sometimes is a conflict in my home. I am going to write my situation on a forum asking for feedback. This just made me think of this!
and Number 5 really hits home. My spouse wants his 12 year old son to come live with us. I am not comfortable wit it, and he did not consult me, or talk to me about, he talked to his son before he even talked to me about it.

Stressed19's picture

Same here!!! It looks like once his kids tirn 18, he wants them to move in too! Not having it and putting my foit down. Of course, Im the selfish -itch! He said our relationship is over if I enforce him getting out of MY house... I love him very much, but DO NOT like feeling like I am the only one contributing in the relationshio!! I will NOT allow myself to be manipukate... Either she goes to her mom's for the entire summer or he can move out! I am willing to compromise and allow her to stay, but as long asshe is in my home, I don't care if she is 30, SHE WILL GO TO HER MOM'S EVERY SUMMER!!!!!!

Sabina's picture

So glad I found this site. I am a new step mother going on 2 years of marriage. Girls are 14 and 18. I moved into their home once we got married. I hope to get some advice on one big issue I am experiencing. Here is a brief background. Girls bio mother is deceased, my mother died when I was a baby so I thought I would at least be able to relate to this. I also had a step mother growing up, so I kinda thought I knew my boundaries. I leave it to Dad to do the correcting. I also have a biological daughter who is now an adult. Here is my biggest struggle. The girls have never been taught to clean anything! They eat and leave their plate wherever they ate, whether it be in kitchen, their room or downstairs TV area. I have asked BIO dad to please teach them to clean up after themselves but he continues to do it. Yesterday the 18 (almost 19 year old) had breakfast and left her bowl with milk in it and the box of cereal still open and not sealed to get stale, on the counter and left. I was working from home and refuse to clean up after her. She came home at 4pm with a pizza, pushed the spoiled milk bowl from breakfast over and ate her dinner, left the pizza box, plate, fork and glass on counter. I almost lost it!!! Dad came home and cleaned it up, or I should say put it away. He rarely cleans the counter, just brushes crumbs into the sink. This happens daily but he tries to clean it up before I see it. Their grandma has been cleaning their room for years, she comes every two weeks to clean their room and they never cleaned a sink, toilet or folded a towel in their life. I don't think they even know how to fold a towel, seriously. Dad will not help me on this and it is driving me crazy. They don't dust or do anything to help in the areas of the house that everyone uses. Never used a vacuum cleaner. I am thankful that I don't have to clean their rooms but I work full time and would welcome help with keeping house clean. They had 3 dogs as well, so dog hair and dander is a problem. Dad does pick up all dog waste in back yard. My daughter was not raised this way, she was taught how to do these things in grade school starting with her room and maybe folding towels and it evolved as she got older. I am not used to this and dad refuses to ask the 18 year old to do anything because he says she is too fragile. (she will go cry in her room and pout if she doesn't get her way). He is trying more with the 14 year old as she will do it if you ask. Not the older one and she should know better. we were married for only 6 months when she asked to move in with her Aunt, her Aunt agreed so her dad let her. I had no comment. It only lasted 30 days because Aunt couldn't deal with the messes she would leave. She leaves drawers open, cabinets open. The 14 year old cut tags off her new clothes and left them on the floor when they fell. OMG...I can go on and on, this is just recent stuff. HELP I appreciate any advise. I think I came into this knowing Dad should do the correcting but now I am just being walked on by everyone, sometimes I even feel like from my husband since he isn't helping me. I just stay in my room a lot and had husband add TiVo so I can stay in a clean quiet environment. I know this can't be good but I refuse to clean up after them at their ages.

19yearstoomuch's picture

Buy them a book..if they read it, they care about learning how to clean.If they do not,you are the maid and you will stay thay way..so unless you make tons of money to hire one??

19yearstoomuch's picture

Buy them a book..if they read it, they care about learning how to clean.If they do not,you are the maid and you will stay thay way..so unless you make tons of money to hire one??

19yearstoomuch's picture

Buy them a book..if they read it, they care about learning how to clean.If they do not,you are the maid and you will stay thay way..so unless you make tons of money to hire one??

19yearstoomuch's picture

Buy them a book..if they read it, they care about learning how to clean.If they do not,you are the maid and you will stay thay way..so unless you make tons of money to hire one??

19yearstoomuch's picture

Buy them a book..if they read it, they care about learning how to clean.If they do not,you are the maid and you will stay thay way..so unless you make tons of money to hire one??

Rags's picture

Turn their beds into the dump for the messes they leave. Dirty, wet, clutter, makes no difference. Get a plastic tote, load their messes in the tote, and empty the toat on the offenders bed. If they don't flush the toilet, get a scoop and leave that on their bed too.

It will not take long for them to catch a clue. Tell DH that he is your husband and does not clean up after you so he is damned sure not cleaning up after anyone else.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I forecast that the 18yo diva princess will move out in short order. That you lost your mother gives you all the credibility needed and you need to be ready to throw the bullshit card any time either of girls or daddy throws the fragile card.

Stick to your guns.

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

19yearstoomuch's picture

I married R when his kids were 12,14,16 and mine was 3 all boys...(19 yrs ago)we went through H together and came out the other side.THEN 2 out of the 3 married girls who treat me like SH!!..example the oldest wife told me she does not beileve in divorce so she will have to think of where I fit in.My older step son who tried for a while to fight her but now he says he loves me and I have always been so good to him BUT he has to live with her. When she had her baby and all were saying congrats Grandma..she told everyone we know that she is sorry but I am not really a grandparent..I never asked to be but still it was so EMBARRASING and hurt like hell.My middle one and his wife to be came to me at 34,cryingthe place they were in was horroible...could they stay for a bit with us...so I said sure honey and in they came dog and cat to boot (I love animals so no biggie---but I had to beg for them to get the cat spayed!!--I knew she was spraying my finsihed basement but I did not want to be THE BITCH STEP MOM ..always tellingthem to clean.We asked they contribute 50 dollars each a week ..400 a month.MY bio son is here with his gal..saving for a home and they had been doing that for over a year.every month it was the same thing...we were taking something from them.Making more than us I must admit ..but I stayed quiet...hoping finally I would be the good step mom.They left 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night.They bought a home with the money they saved the 10 mths they lived with us..of course no thank you..they were angry that we would expect them to clean our rugs the cat mess and I can not say the rest(I am sure you gals know) oh and the 50 dollars a week they needed to put into their home---you guesssed it, they have to get their rugs cleaned!!.R was crushed to see they just left and he even for the 2nd time in 19 yrs wrote a letter to his son and future Daughter N Law about how he hopes no one ever treats their new home like that.She responded by telling My step son your father has some nerve..their house was not perfect when we got there and R crumbled practically appologized.I told him yesterday I am done..I need a divorce from his kids or from both.....here is the TOUGH PART...there is a 3rd skid..the youngest 30 and he treats me and my family and my bio son so well!! he and his wife are caring and loving and make time for us and she is do next month. Christmas eve she handed me a box with a picture of her in a t shirt baby on board and both of us got greatest Grandparents t shirts on the spot ..she said 15 yrs girl you earned this!!!.Please help me see this some other way.I do love my husband BTU how he can he love me when he says he knows they treat me bad and has never said THAT IS MY WIFE!!

iluvcheese's picture

Does he know your thoughts on his saying this to his kids, obviously aside of the nice SS? If not, he can't really say anything. If he know you'd like him to stick up for you & he still doesn't, he's likely no confrontational to the point he'd rather have you hurt than start an argument. It's so stupid. Only a man would dumb enough to think like this, because the two of you probably argue about it often. It's not avoiding confrontation in the slightest, it's only creating more. So dumb.

Perhaps since they are adults, visits should be short lived? No more living with adult skids? Even with the nice one, it could compromise the relationship. Your guy needs to get a clue about what women need & want from a man. ETA: Try focusing on the positive relationship with the SS, versus the other tools.

iluvcheese's picture

This should be included in the vows when marrying someone with a kid. Every single one of these rules has been crossed in my situation, although I guess that's probably true for most of us. It's depressing really, that so many people are treated so poorly there's a freaking list.

islandhell's picture

This is great. I am copying it and putting it up in my house. I just wish there was a last one that said something like "and if these rules are broken SM reserves right to open a huge can of Whoopass on all offending parties".

fedupandtired's picture

Here's one - if the ex is causing problems YOU (the person who was married to the ex) will do everything it takes to keep the ex away, including using legal action. Our happiness comes first.

rocksandrolls's picture

I love this so much. Might print it out and stick on fridge.