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SS10 annoyed by BM?

1dad4kids's picture

I went to pick SS10 up from his swimming tonight, and who do you think pulls up a minute before he's due to leave but BM. She's cruising with her DH in their new truck (I thought DH was broke?) and no other kids. I immediately text DH and say "What the fuck is BM doing here? 

Turns out she didn't send his meds earlier, even though DH intentionally went right after school to grab his instruments and swim gear so she wouldn't see SS10 again this weekend. DH had made arrangements with BM earlier to leave the meds in her mail box and he would pick them up. So ya, wtf. 

Anyway a little victory from me. SS10 comes out and is all happy to see I'm the one picking him up, he waves and starts towards me but BM hops out of the truck calling him over. This is the part I enjoyed: 

He flat out glared at her. He appeared very annoyed to see her right then. A bit of a wave of realization came over his face when she held up his pills so he could see why she'd come but when she tried to give him a kiss goodbye he moved away and came to my car. Waving at me excitedly again. 

I'm sure BM fucking hates that I was there. She probably expected DH to be there. 

Can she continue to disrupt DH's time with SS10, even though the judge told her she was not entitled to see SS10 during DH's time? That included after school pick up time.

tog redux's picture

You'd be hard pressed to make a case that she shouldn't bring his medication to him, and yes, she's doing it on purpose, and yes, it will be hard to prove without being petty.

My SS was often and frequently annoyed with BM. Some weekends he'd come over and be so glad to be with us, and others he'd be quiet and secretly texting BM all weekend.  My mood would go up when he was happy to be with us, and down when he wasn't.  It was the roller coaster of dealing with a toxic BM, and family court,  and us hoping that we would get SS to see the light and not end up alienated (and also a sign that I was overinvested in the situation).

For the record, it's still like that with SS20. Sometimes he and BM are besties and other times they are fighing. Turns out, we were just on the BM/SS roller coaster that never ends. Now I don't care.

ETA: Also - your DH should request from BM the exact amount of medication he needs for his time to be given to him as soon as she refills the prescription, so she can't use it as an excuse to see SS on your time.

1dad4kids's picture

The medication would be fine, if DH hadn't specifically made plans to pick it up with the rest of his stuff after school. She hadn't made it to the pharmacy yet, which is BS and intentional. So DH made plans to pick it up from her mail box and she still fucking showed up. 

Typically SS10 is happy here (or at least not unhappy) all the time. Rarely do we see highs and lows and he can't text his Mom as he doesn't have a phone and, even though DH and BM bought SS10 s tablet to FaceTime them and do homework, he hasn't come to our place with it since the first week of school cancellation. 

But he was off on Wednesday. Not sad, just twitchy lol. And other than that one little episode with BM after swimming he's seemed normal. He never talks about his feelings towards her with us. Not since he was a toddler. 

DH has repeatedly requested his share of the medication when it's filled but she thinks he's incapable and is worried he will overdose him or hoard pills or who knows what. In fact, it's much more common for her to provide less medication than necessary for SS10's time here. 


tog redux's picture

My SS was a lot like yours before the alienation started. Very happy with us. BM made sure that ended. 

Can DH let the psychiatrist know that BM doesn't give him enough meds and have him/her ask BM to divide them accurately. Maybe if the doctor calls her  on it, she will stop. Sometimes the pharmacy can package them separately, but not with controlled substances, I don't think. 

1dad4kids's picture

His family doctor prescribes them and DH asked about seperate prescriptions in the beginning because it's controlled he said they can't do it. 

But it's something that can be worked into the pretrial agreement, although whether she'll follow it or not who knows

tog redux's picture

She's going to use it as a control thing forever.  Maybe next time, if DH realizes that she didn't put them in the mailbox, he can text her and ask her to drop them in your mailbox and not to stop by swim practice, or something like that.  That way if it becomes a thing in court, he'll have proof that she's using it as an excuse to see SS on his time.

1dad4kids's picture

Good idea. Or we could tell her I'll come and pick them up. Then she'll leave them in her mail box and take off 2 hours away (this has happened with other items more than a few times lol)

ESMOD's picture

A few ideas re the meds.

1.  Document every time he comes without necessary items.. including and especially medications.  It may be enough to convince the court/doctor that another plan needs to happen.

2.  Take BM out of the equation.  When he shows up without it.  call the doctor's office.. the "on call" doctor or nurst. 

Hi... "I haven't been able to get ahold of BM and SS came for visitation without his meds... can you call in an "emergency pack" to the pharmacy?"  (note.. you don't have to even try to get ahold of BM.. lol)  My SD is on seizure meds and we had to get meds that way at times when she forgot them because we were pretty far from her mom anyway.   I know it's controlled.. but perhaps repeated calls to the DR will prompt them to figure out how to give your DH a script to fill for the days he has custody typically in a month.  ...OR maybe they could try having your DH fill the script and hand out meds to BM?


tog redux's picture

They can't do that with controlled substances. They can only be filled 30 days at a time here, no refills. May be different in OP's province but typically, controlled substances are heavily regulated. 

1dad4kids's picture

You are correct, controlled substances are given out 30 days at a time and can only be picked up when on the last pill

1dad4kids's picture

I used to document that kind of stuff but it was just exhausting and DH would never remember so I just stopped. 

Rags's picture

This kind of petty shit is extremely diffult to address effectively.  Unless there is a zero tolerance stance taken early and every possibly consequence is applied in response to the manipulations of the toxic blended family opposition for each manipulation....  Even then, it may never be stopped but the perpetrator chooses the pain when they choose the behavior.

Establishing the connection between pain and misery with their choices worked well for us over the years though they never entirely learned that any petty bullshit they pulled would be met with the highest level of legal, financial, and social consequence we could bring to bear.

Until anything BM does is more painful than the benefit or pleasure she gets out of her chosen behaviors it will never end.  Even then, it may never end. 

My SS's SpermClan never stopped until he aged out from under the CO. At which point they shifted their focus to the application of guilt in an effort to get SS to send money to SpermLand for the support of his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.  He called them on their bullshit, did not send money, and made sure they knew that their crap would not be tolerated by him now that he was an adult any more than it had been tolerated when he was a minor.  

At that point they made zero effort to interface with him for a number of years.

Paid works, it just takes a huge amount of effort to apply to the toxic blended family opposition.

Good luck.