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Special Interest Group Representation

mom2six's picture

We can't expect to be represented in the legal system if there are no special interest group form to voice our needs. I'm currently looking into creating one because that is the only answer for others to realize that in order for a remarried to be successful rather than a higher divorce rate, the wife and husband must be on the same page just like it is expected in the first marriage. That all the children of the household (whether step, biological, or half) are treated the same according to the agreed upon relationship of the remarried couple. I see about setting up a facebook presence. Any names for our group?

Jcksjj's picture

So are you looking to bring awareness to stepfamily issues or want actual legal rights for stepparents?

mom2six's picture

Mostly legal rights for stepparents but awareness will be a byproduct or even a precursor to obtaining rights. My husband works long hours which are the same as schools and doctor offices. He has to consistently renew paperwork giving his permission to take them to doctors. When we go to court, they only interview the parents and children but not the stepparents and siblings. They do not even consider the negative affects on stepparents or the stepparents children. Our first born son was calling me by my first name because his three stepsiblings called me that. I asked that they call me mommy around him so he can understand that is what he should call me. Their mom got all upset even though she is not around and they do not call her that at her house because there is no reason. When I ground my son he sees that his stepsiblings are not grounded like him and feels like I do not love him and feels unequal. But when I do treat them all the same, their mom gets all mad that my husband and I ground them. It really shows why there is such a high rate for divorce in second marriages. We need laws that have the courts consider the harmful affect it is having on a successful blended family. My ex had a child with another woman and since I know how it feels. My daughter says mommy around her half sister and I do not mind. I know my daughter knows I am her mom. My ex and her half sister's mom aren't together anymore, but I still talk and allow her to go over there because she needs to bond with her sister. My relationship on that side is what a successful blended family looks like.

STaround's picture

Your DC will learn eventually to call you mom.  No, should not demand that your steps call you mom. 

Your DH needs to be an active father, and deal with his kids. 

mom2six's picture

I asked my stepkids and they were ok with that and the funny thing is their mom was ok with it until I had her ex's baby and I realize my son was having issues. They even call me mom when my son is not around which is awesome because I know that is a choice they make on their own. Like I said I have no problem with my own daughter doing the same for her somewhat stepmom. Parents that are offended by that idea sounds like they have jealous issues.

tog redux's picture

You can't stop crazy BMs from being crazy by using the court.  The court can't demand that BM not be jealous of her kids calling you mommy, and the court can't tell your DH to man up and discipline his kids regardless of whether or not BM gets mad.

The only possible legislative change would be giving stepparents the right to sign for treatment or consents to release information. Do you want your ex's wife to be able to do that for your kids without checking with either you or their father?

The issues you are having are marital issues, not legal ones.  Most marriages with skids fail because the bio parent can't put his marriage first and parent his kids adequately, not because the stepparents don't have rights.

I personally think you are barking up the wrong tree.

mom2six's picture

My husband is restricted in spanking his kids and when he does ground them their crazy mom tells them to hide or lie to their own father. Something that our two kids see and are learning from them. I would be ok with my ex's wife to have the same rights as my ex because like my ex, he just can't take the kids to ER unless he talks to me first anyway. If my ex had my kids full time like I did, yeah she is going to need access if he is unable to do so. I agree that this is remarriage not allowed to be put first and affect his parenting issue but that is becuase it is limited by the court order. 

tog redux's picture

No, no - your DH is limited only by his unwillingness to discipline his kids and by his crazy ex.  You can't legislate people out of craziness. 

I don't even understand how you think the court can order your marriage to be put first.  That's your DH's job.

mom2six's picture

That's the point of the interest group. Trying to figure out how to make blended families successful. So if anyone is interested, just message me. Thanks. I was looking for interested people not opposition. Have a good one.

mom2six's picture

Oh and by court assisting with putting re-marriage first, I mean they should interview stepparents and stepsiblings and consider the affects on the blended family.

Jcksjj's picture

I dont see any reason for a step parent to have legal rights beyond the routes already offered. Stepparent adoption is actually very simple if there is a deceased parent and its also an option if a parent has abandoned a child. Also, a stepparent can obtain guardianship in some situations even with 2 parents already around granting them some of the legal rights parents have. 

mom2six's picture

That would be an awesome option if we did not have to deal with a crazy ex wife.

Rags's picture

Only you can and should determine what your Skids call you.  What your SO’s  X says or thinks about it doesn’t matter and should not matter. The X does not matter in your home, marriage or family.

I was the first person that my SS ever called Dad(dy).  I did not tell him to and neither did his mom.  He just did.  So I have been Dad  since he was ~18mos old.

SpermGrandHag took exception.  He and I discussed it, and I have remained Dad.  During the SpermClan exception phase I gave him a choice.  Call me Dad or Mr. Rags.  His choice.  He chose Dad.  I don’t let children call me by my first name.

STaround's picture

IMHO, rights come with responsiblities.  I told my DH, when we married, that I had money saved for MY DDs college, and what he did for his kids was HIS responsibility.  

mom2six's picture

Of course rights comes with responsbilities. If you are a stepparent, you should be responsible for the kids that are in your household. That what makes a family work. No first marriages says, "because this boy looks like you, he is your son and he is your responsibility." As a married couple, you raise your kids togethers. A blended family must come together as "these are our kids." Otherwise, you end up looking like the stepmom in Cinderella. Legally she did not have to feed or clothed her like her own daughters, but what an awful move on her part.

tog redux's picture

if that's what works for you in a blended family, that's great - but I married DH, not his son. He's not my responsibility nor does DH want me to be his parent. Your comparison with first marriages is absurd - both people in a first marriage created a child and therefore, they are responsible for that child.  That's not the same as a stepfamily, where one parent has a stronger bond with a child and an inherent legal and moral responsibility to care for the child they brought into the world.

If you start a group lobbying for me to be responsible for my SS, I'll start one lobbying against you, lol.

mom2six's picture

Not all families are the same, I understand there are stepparents that do not want to have anything to do with their stepkids and those people should not be allow especially if the biological parent sees that would be an issue. It's not healthy, but can't force people like that to be compassionate.

mom2six's picture

Sorry, meant to include "I would want an exception for biological parents to opt-out of stepparent responsibilities."

tog redux's picture

Lol. I'm sorry you equate my minding my business in regard to other people's kids as "not being compassionate".  As it happens, my SS likes me, though I told him NOT to call me Mom because he has a mother and I don't want to blur those boundaries.  I know who his parents are, and it isn't me.

Good luck, I'll keep my eye on Washington to see how your lobbying is going. lol

Jcksjj's picture

Lol...because it's just hurting a kid so much not to have a third parent when they already have two active ones. Where are people even getting the idea that the kid wants this? It always seems to be either the remarried bio parent or the stepparent that wants that, not the kids. I've only seen kids with an absent or neglectful parent want that.

STaround's picture

I would never have married my DH if he was not willing to be responsible for his kids.  I did not adopt his kids.  What if we get divorced, nope, I will not put them through college.  I did not adopt them. 

mom2six's picture

All blended families that divorce would automatically lose those responsibities because there is no longer a connection. 

Merrywey's picture

Values, morality or strength of character.  You can’t make a partner step up to parent. 2nd marriages fail because of poor decision naking not because of a legal bias to first families.  Good luck with the lobbying effort.

tog redux's picture

All right, since Cinderella has been thrown into the discussion:

Cinderella's father is dead. If she is a minor and the stepmother was given custody of her, then she DOES have a legal and moral responsibility to care for the child, because she took custody of her. If Cinderella is not a minor, then she is choosing to live with her "Wicked Stepmother" and needs to go get another job and find a place to live of her own.

If Cinderella's father and stepmother were still married, and he allowed SM to treat Cinderella badly then that would be on him. But SM would have zero responsibility to parent her husband's child, that's his job.

Goodluck's picture

Oyyy vayyyy       sounds like your chasing your tail in the step parent role. The supreme court of the United States has spoken on the highly guarded protections parents have. The problem is not with the laws that protect your husband's rights, yours or my rights..the problem is your husband has dumped most things on you. And you accepted the role completely.   

My guess is that you are rather young. Under 30. 

Put the onus back on your dh for his children and focus on your own bios. 

Laws in this will not change. What you can do since you want to be equal parent, is, file to have moms rights terminated with immediate intent to adopt all of them. 

I bet cm doenst pay cs?

Good luck with everything. You must feel very overwhelmed Sad

mom2six's picture

35 but was 24. I guess our situation is different from most. My husband has primary custodian over his kids and I have the same with my child. And the crazy ex doesn't pay support in exchange for less time with kids but I doubt she will agreed to her rights being terminated. I love these kids as my own which is why it would be weird to treat them separate, especially in front of their half siblings. 

SecondNoMore's picture

Seriously. I am not a 'limited government' person, but this is crazy. Don't get involved with guys who chose to have kids with crazy people. That's why dating and red flags exist.