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Seeing Step-Daughter

Heidy Sanchez's picture

Okay, here's the tea:

Fast recap of what the fuck and how the fuck this happened. I met my husband a year ago (yes, a year ago) and at the time that I met him, he was engaged...they got engaged because his parents pressured him and her parents forced him to because she got pregnant. Anyways, she was always emotionally abusive and incredibly jealous with him; she would go far as to prohibit him from having ANY friends. Cutting to the end of their relationship, the last straw was her throwing his clothes out the door because he talked to someone (another female, NON-ROMANTICALLY). We were co-workers at the time and AFTER he separated from her and was NO LONGER living with her, we started "talking". We are now married. I HAVE ONLY EVER SEEN MY STEP-DAUGHTER ONCE! I want to get to know her and I want to be there as an emotional, supportive figure to her. BUT the BM WILL NOT let me see her, even if my husband or my mother-in law is present. She hates me because she thinks that my husband was cheating on her with me, which is not the case. My step-daughter is currently 18 months old, I met her when she was 8 months old. My husband and the BM went to court to settle child support and visitation rights. I remember her SPECIFICALLY saying: "I will only let her meet our daughter until she has your last name" I DO! Still, I have yet to see my SD.

She refuses to let anyone from my husband's side of the family to see the child. My husband has fought to see her but the mother refuses to and my husband doesn't want to involve law enforcement in order to "not anger her more". He hasn't seen her since she was 8 months old. She text messages him and asks for clothes and food and shoes and whatnot, which I UNDERSTAND IS ESSENTIAL. But in order for it to be fair, she has to AT LEAST let my husband see his own daughter.

I want the community opinion and any advice on how we can deal with this, or any experience.




Winterglow's picture

If your husband went to court for visitation and child support, what does the court order say? Why is he giving her supplies if he is giving her child support? 

He NEEDS to grow a pair and get law enforcement involved when she witholds court ordered visitation. They cannot force her to hand the baby over but they have to file a report on the incident. This is his proof that she is violating the court order. And he needs to go after her for that so she understands that she doesn't have the right to do as she pleases.

If he continues to cower in a corner for fear of displeasing his ex he is going to lose that child forever ... Time for him to stand up for his rights as a father.

Areyou's picture

You really need to back off. Give him some space and don’t force yourself on to the SD. She’s not your daughter.

notarelative's picture

...she doesn't even know my full name. If she decided to look me up and she found this post, I would gladly own up to it because I stand by what I wrote...

She knows your husband's name; she can find your name with a few clicks on the internet. And while you would gladly own up to this post, you do not want your internet posts to end up part of a custody case. Delete this account. If you open a new account use a screen name.

If your husband, the father, has a CO detailing a visitation schedule, he needs to get it enforced.He needs to get it enforced, not you. It is not your custody order it is his. He needs to see his lawyer and get specific advice, on his specific situation.


fourbrats's picture

that entering into a relationship with someone who has an infant and getting married within a year is probably not the best life choice. You also met the infant within a month of the two of you dating. Any mom woud be concerned and want to wait. An older child is verbal and an express concerns. An infant cannot. It also seems like they were together when the two of you met and that he has a history of close relationships with other women that may or may not have been romantic or boundary crossing with other women. You only have his side of things. 

If he has a court order then he needs to go to court and file for contempt. And then follow the steps to get to know his toddler. An 18 month old isn't going to just know daddy or even be comfortable with him. Then she can be introduced to everyone else. Tread carefully when it comes to the emotional well-being of this very young child. 

icanteven's picture

I have been through some of these things, and I am not sure how to say what I want to say. There is a lot.

First, please know he may have been telling you one thing and her another. My husband did this and I did not find out until much later. When he and I met, we were both legally married to other people. I was two weeks from finalizing my divorce (and my ex and I were both dating other people, known to each other). He told me he was close to finalizing his also. That was a lie. I found out years later he did not file for divorce until he was sure I would move to his city and let him live with me. That was when he filed. I moved here one week later and he moved in with me. His ex was very hostile about this. I did not understand why she would care what a man who divorced her years before would do with his life, but he had filed for divorce one week before! It was very different to what I had been told. Then there was the scrambling for lawyers, trying to establish visitation, everything. It was a mess. It was nothing like I had pictured, but I was working a lot, just finished grad school, had loans to pay off, and I did not involve myself much.

My point is, some people can make it seem one way to us while making it seem a different way to the other person. You are told he moved out from his ex's house before you two began a relationship, but what was he telling her? Only she knows. You do not know this. Some people play both sides until they are forced to choose one, and if someone's ex is acting irrationally hostile, we must ask ourselves if there is more to this story than we are being told. This is often true.

My husband's ex had it written into the visitation order that his son was not to be around me at any point. My name was actually in the papers. That was surprising to me because I did nothing to this woman. I did not even meet her at this time, but she had me named in the visitation order like a common criminal. I thought maybe she will be more accepting if she can meet me, so I asked her to get tea with me one day, and she would not. The lawyer told me not to talk to her again, so I did not. It is a bad idea to interact with someone who is in that mood. He was right about that. I recommend we do not do these things.

I can say it will be difficult for some time. My husband's ex accused us of many things. She said we tried to act as if their son was mine (I look very different to them. No one would think that kid was mine.) She said we tried to get him to call me mommy. We have never done this. He was 3 when my husband and I moved in together, 4 when the visitation order was amended to allow him to be around me. Even so, she was freaking out maybe two times each week about me trying to replace her as his mother. This was one reason I asked her to get tea with me. I wanted her to understand that I have my own kids and do not want to be her kid's mother. Many people think this of stepmoms. I think it is more when the kids are younger and impressionable. You will have to listen to a lot of weird accusations. Try to ignore them. It is not easy, I know.

I can say it gets better. This may be the one thing about my situation that has improved. I still don't like my stepson. He is just a larger spoiled brat now than he was when I met him. His mother has calmed a lot, though, and that is good. She has not made disgusting accusations about me in more than one year. She told her son he had to listen to me at a street festival we went to one week ago. She started dating someone recently. I think it helped. Also, maybe she sees that I have ot tried to take her place as his mother. I could have told her that in one minute if she would have met me for tea, but she wanted to wait three years and see for herself. OK, do it the hard way, but it got done.

In your case, just be calm and your husband should be assertive about taking his visitation. The police will make her give the baby over if he shows them the order. You do not need to involve yourself.

Tet1982's picture

This can get nasty. Please take it from me...I wouldn’t start a family with this man until you see how the cards play out. From what you are describing he is just a bank to them and his baby mama feels like she has him by his ball sack. She does, until he gets smart and gets a lawyer. You will get exhausted from dealing with all this. You look relatively young and you don’t need this drama. Think long term and tread lightly.

Rags's picture

If there is a Custody/Visitation/Support Court Order (CO) then she has no choice but to surrender the kid to dad on the court ordered visitation shedule. DH needs to roll up a copy of the CO and beat her about the head and shoulders with it (figuratively of course), file a contempt motion against her each and every time she does not surrender the kid as the CO stipulates and keep her ass in court in front of a judge until she complies. If she continues to defy the visitation order... he has a decent shot at gaining custody of the kid.

Too many NCPs (Non Custodial Parents) lose their testicular fortitude on the cowardly fear of their X not allowing them to see their kids.  That is crap and it should never be tolerated for a CP to keep a child from the NCP in violation of a COd visitation schedule.

Beat the shit out of the BM  in court and do it now.

IMHO of course.

Notup4it's picture

I think this is a common misconception that a lot of people have. Court and the threat of court works beautifully if the bio parent has some level of fear of authority, or isn’t 100% committed to alienating the kids.

Court costs huge money, and takes forever to get booked— and honestly most judges are not willing to change custody, or penalize the poor custodial parent. 

Even if the bio parent is the one causing all of the problems the worst they usually will get is a lecture and that doesn’t do much if they don’t really care to listen. 

It takes years and years and years for these matters to even somewhat get “fixed” and often by then it is too late and the kids are so conditioned that things are hopeless. Do you really want a kid who hates you being forced to live with you? Especially when to them it is THE worst punishment in the world?

PA is real and runs deep, and depending on the commitment level of the alienater to the situation it can be next to impossible to fix.

Rags's picture

No argument from me.  As the CP household we always held a distinct advantage though that was somewhat mitigated by the advantage of the NCP SpermIdiot being resident in the State where the Custody/Visitation /Support order was issued while we never lived nearer than 1200 miles from SpermLand.  

Regardless of  who holds the advantage IMHO it is critical for parents to enforce their rights and protect the best interests of their children assertively .  For us it want cheap but well worth i he investment to protect my SS from the toxic manipulations and depravity of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.

pinklove0015's picture

BM has a right to be concerned. Your husband seemed like he rushed into things with you.