Question from "new" SD.
My wife and I were married about two weeks ago, and as odd as it sounds, her ex does not like that idea. The children call me by my first name, which really I quite enjoy - I called my step father by his first name, when I was a child. They do not call me daddy, father, dad, etc. They can introduce me as "my stepfather," though they are quite young and aren't really into the "introduction" stage of life yet. (6 - 8 years old)
So, my thoughts are this. Recently, my wife's ex has tried to convince her (without success, of course) that she is breaking the divorce agreement by titling me as stepfather. Of course, the agreement doesn't speak of that and says that she will not call me "father" or make them not call their father, "father"... as in she won't replace him with me. (As she shouldn't.) So her ex is way off base, and really it is as black and white as that.
What kind of resources can I use to research my rights as a stepfather, in Connecticut?
Rights such as pickup/drop off rights, rights such as "being able to take them to the arcade without her", etc. (Since he has right of first refusal, he will without doubt, try to say that I am babysitting and she is breaking the agreement by not calling him first.)
Sounds petty, I know, but I wouldn't put it past him. Last Christmas, when she started her chemotherapy treatment, he decided himself that she was unable to take care of the children and threatened to keep them an extra week; he did this by pushing his way into our home. Luckily, as a member of the local fire department, I happen to know a lot of police officers (among other emergency personnel) who know me by name - there were two officers at my house in almost seconds and he was asked, to leave.
I wish there were clear guidelines
but there aren't. The law is very quiet on the subject of stepparent rights and it varies by state. I, myself, have yet to find definitive answers. That said, I suggest you work out case-by-case what is okay with everyone. In general, if your wife asks you to babysit, then you can babysit. As time go on I'm sure it will be much more commonplace for you to take you skids places without her. The ex sounds like a bit of a nut, so I'd err on the side of over-communicating, just to avoid ugly scenes.
As for the 'father' title, I had a similar situation. My SD calls me by my first name but 'slips' sometimes out of habit and calls me 'mommy' (she calls her daddy 'mommy' sometimes, too.) We never asked her or encouraged her to do this. Once she referred to me as her 'other mommy' to her 'real' mommy and BM went through the roof. It's a touchy subject, but just reassure the dad that the kids are quite clear who their father is and who their stepfather is and no one is trying to change that 'sacred' realationship. Good luck.
Theres Not Clear Guidelines
And the courts are really of little help, unless you enjoy going to court and throwing your money away.
I would let him know very little about your home or what you guys do when the children are visiting. Basically, its time for him to butt out and you have every right to go with your wife to pick up the children. However, I would start to plan drops offs and pick ups somewhere away from both homes. We didn't allow the ex near our home, and we chose to pick up and drop off all the time, but only in front of her home. It worked quite well.
I would let this man know you and your wife will be parenting the children when their with you, and extend him the same courtesy. He'll soon understand theres nothing he can do, and hopefully he'll stop trying to conrol you and your wife. It sounds like sour grapes to me, just don't give out any information and keep him away from your house. He will soon learn its you and your wife, not him and your wife any longer. No your not their bio dad, but you will co-parent with your wife from now on. He'll parent on his end, and basically just put this guy out of your lives for the most part. He'll only be part of the package if you guys allow it, so don't and good luck!
Thanks for the great replies, guys...
They were a big help; it was nice to hear people with similar minds. (As his mind is, well his and frankly I don't care to know what's on it! :P)
Sour grapes is how he tries to control; from this or that or the other thing. But I agree... and on top of it all, the only real time my wife and her ex really communicate is either via recorded email or at the dropoff/pickup. Which is how it should be, really can't imagine it as anything else.
This evening, I built a footstool for my 7yo stepson. With the oldest one, 8yo, we built a shelf for mommy's pie-plates. Stuff like that I take so much joy in; stuff like that I know they will only really learn when they are home with us; they enjoy it so much!
Consult a lawyer
Consult a lawyer for the pertinent family law in your state. However, in general, stepparents do not hold custody rights unless custody is taken away from a biological parent and given by law to caretakers other than biological parents. It is usually the case that a parent's natural rights continue whether or not the parents have been married. Therefore, unless it is the case that the biological father is actually deemed incompetent to parent, (or voluntarily relinquishes his rights so that you may legally adopt) you will fare better to approach this situation with greater cooperation and less "going for the jugular."
Beware of the danger caused by blurring boundaries between two separate households. Taking on a fight with the biological father is not beneficial for at least two critical reasons: 1) there is little likelihood you could ever "win" on legal grounds and 2) more importantly, you contribute to strain, and a conflict of loyalty for your stepchildren. You must make appropriate room for their biological parent that does not invade the boundaries of your home. Reflect on your own tendencies towards creating conflict instead of long-term solutions which truly have their best interest at heart! It is your wife's job, not yours to handle this situation appropriately.
Consider that a part of the solution to your difficulty may lie in creating better boundaries between family situations. Do not discuss parenting with the ex. And any discussion that needs to occur about parenting between your wife and her ex can take place with the help of a family court counselor, or other family therapy mediator. The usual response to parenting differences by the court tends towards support of separate rules in separate houses. Except, of course, in cases of child abuse.
But rest assured that you do not have to account to your wife's ex" for your behavior in your own home! (Unless, of course, you were committing child abuse rather than exercising a different parenting style.) What goes on in your home need not be controlled by the biological parent living elsewhere. By creating stronger boundaries, you will likely circumvent conflict. The biological father will not be able to invade your privacy, once you stop responding to his "knock at your door."
Suggest to your wife that she begin by setting boundaries with her ex about what is discussible" between them. It is between you and your wife to decide what the rules are in your home, including discipline. She should make it clear that her ex is not invited into this discussion. Remain neutral and avoid hostility. But do not engage in discussion that is over the boundary to begin with! It is okay for her to hear his concerns, if she wishes, but it is not incumbent on her to feel compelled to continue to respond to them, once differences are clearly acknowledged.
Maintaining clear boundaries includes staying out of the middle of your wife's and her ex's negotiations. This is not really your battle! Your place of power is by her side in the marriage. This is where the two of you make decisions together about "house rules. It is then her job to set boundaries with her ex that respect the privacy and authority of your separate household. Do not make the mistake of taking on her battles. If she needs help, she should get outside professional consultation to help her establish these boundaries with her ex.
Your wife should simply represent clearly that there may be alot of things that the two of them do not see eye to eye on. And parenting styles is one of them. She may start by saying something like, "I appreciate your concerns. I do not always agree with your parenting style, either. However, I believe it is best to respect these differences. I decide what goes on when the children are with me. And when you are in charge, you decide what rules they abide by. I do not want to discuss this with you any further." In this way, your wife refrains from including you in the discussion and sets clear limits about separate household rules. For further discussion about dealing with ex's and stepfamily development refer to John and Emily Visher's book, "How to Win as a Stepfamily" and my article on "Making Healthy Stepfamilies".
It is your wife who holds the parental authority, as the biological parent. Your power is derived from the relationship with her. You negotiate regarding the agreements in your marriage and household (including parenting). But it is she who must clearly establish what is negotiated between biological parents. The lines of legal responsibility/power do in fact lie with your wife, and not you! Though this may not feel fair to you, it is the case that your place of power and "rights" rests only on your ability to successfully negotiate with your wife. But the good news, is that this does not seem to be a problem for the two of you!
Congratulations on a healthy marital relationship as well as a wonderful connection with your stepchildren. Well placed trust in a good relationship provides greater insurance for negotiating your needs for happiness than any court of law could ever hope to emulate!
http://parenting.ivillage.com/mom/structure/0,,3wmj,00.html
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Am I asking too much....
I love my boyfriend very much, he is getting along very well with my 6 years old son in the past two months
but my Ex situation is getting to him. I am trying to understand him as fast as I can and adjust our situations but he thinks everything has to be understood and done right ASAP, other wise he will get very angry and start screaming and questioning me!
Like I have to know better!!!!!!!I have as little experience as he has in dealing with the EX too but he seems like he doesn't want to accept that!
how can I let him understand that he needs to be more patient, and sometimes things takes longer than we expected...
I don't want my Ex situation destroy my relationship with my boy friend, I love him and I want to be able to work things out in a loving way, can this be done; am I asking too much?
HELP
No, Yourr BF is
screaming yelling at you??? reconsider your not even married