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On/Off step mum

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Sat, 01/14/2017 - 3:56pm

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Stepparent Rights

Hi,

I am feeling extremely frustrated ATM with my SM role. My SD lives with me & DH full-time; I look after her Sunday, Monday, Tuesday , Wednesday while DH is at work (BM is not about).

However, there is such a mix up on what I can do, when SD listens to me etc. It's like I am expected to be caring and look after her when it suits, but if DH daddy is around what I say doesn't matter and SD won't listen to me; she rubs it in my face giving 'daddy' hugs and having little giggles with him (I'm sure it's part to get to me; not jealousy, just angry!)

I am expected to be thoughtful of her when buy presents for DH and made to feel guilty when me and my partner go out as a couple - I am told by him & her that she feels left out. I have spent many birthdays & Christmasses buying presents for SF only to feel like I am not important, noticed or cared about at the end of it and so feel like giving up and what's the point attitude.

I just can't take the switching on/off when it's convenient, but my FH needs help with SF while he works?..dilemma!!!!

Any support & advice, commentsmuch appreciated.

TIA

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Sat, 01/14/2017 - 6:06pm

You aren't the first woman to have the bait and switch pulled on you. You get all of the responsibility and none of the authority. Lucky you.
Are you not working? How do you have all of this time to watch someone else's kid?
Basically, you have been hired to babysit and warm his bed. Ask him what he would be doing if you weren't in the picture and then tell him to do it. Only offer your help when you feel like it. If you're not going to be backed up, then back off. Way off. You're not even married yet and he has you playing mommy.
See what happens when you disengage. It'll show you whether you were chosen to be a nanny or a wife.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 10:09am

Hi,

It's kind of reassuring that I'm not the first SM to experience this. I work from home tutoring (which is mostly after school or weekends) I suffer with anxiety & depression, this work has worked best for me.

You say tell DH to act as he would if I wasn't here - I think that's not me to be unhelpful, then I feel guilt for not helping. Do you recommend disengaging?

Thanks for your reply & advice xx

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Sat, 01/14/2017 - 7:43pm

Believe me, you cannot live like this long term. Get this resolved BEFORE you get married. You absolutely cannot be responsible for a child without proper authority. You can not feel marginalized in your own marriage. You cannot build a marriage where nobody matters but princess and her daddy.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 10:12am

Thank you!

Any recommendations on how I can resolve this?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 01/15/2017 - 1:43am

This is not a survivable situation for your relationship if it is not addressed early.

There is a solution. The solution is that you grab FDH by the short and curlies (figuratively of course) and give him clarity. You are not his live in baby sitter/sex object... you are his equity life partner (as he is yours) and that makes you an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. This is a conversation that you must have and you need to have it very soon.

SD is a kid, she does what she is told when she is told to do it and when she flips attitude at you then you go into confront and destroy mode. She either toes the line or she bears the consequences of her actions and defiant choices. If FDH has an issue with you parenting where he fails to step up... he can either step up and parent before you have to or he can bite his tongue and have your back. If he chooses neither of these options then he and his spawn can get out.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 10:20am

Thank you - great advice! Your support and advice is great - especially about kid biology, that is one thing that hits me.

I know you say I'm not us live in babysitter but what about SD going to/home from school while he is at work?

Thank you

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 05/28/2017 - 1:59am

Afterschool care, latch key kid, etc.... There are many ways to address the after school time. The solution should be age appropriate of course. I would suggest that you sit DH down and let him know that he needs to deal with after school care for the Skid. It really is not your problem unless you want it to be.

Good luck.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 10:40am

I'm not sure about that - we get on really well as a couple and having a loving, caring relationship - problems etc only occur when it comes to SD.

What if I change with responsibility for her? I think that would help. Question is, can this be done or would it be selfish of me and seem like I did not want her as part of the family?

I really love our relationship and he has supported me, loves me and we are happy in lots of ways - he knows and admits that she can be a sod too. I just don't know if it is acceptable to say no to the responsibility of her.

Thanks

happystepmum's picture

Submitted by happystepmum on Sun, 03/05/2017 - 4:12am

I'm very confused by your post...you seem to reference a husband, fiance, partner and step father? Can you clarify please?

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 10:43am

Sorry, I'm new with the abbreviations. I live with my partner and his daughter is with us full time. She has no contact with her biological mum.

As I am home lots, I have assumed responsibility for stepdaughter going to school and coming home, but don't always get listened to with discipline etc.