Key to house

Helpmeplz's picture

BM is asking my partner if when oldest son goes up to High School if he can get a key to our house (it's in the same town as school) for him to come home at lunch time so he won't be lonley. My partner works offshore so when he's away it's just me for 3 weeks but I work full time as a teacher every day so won't be home at lunch. I'm saying not a chance in hell because I know the key won't just be used for that and she'll use it to come to the house when I'm out. My partner thinks he's old enough to have one and thinks it's a good idea. He can barely close the door properly never mind lock it plus, my partner is saying I can make him a sandwich in the morning before I go to work. Haha wtf is he serious? I feel like I'm not getting a say in this but I don't feel I'm being unreasonable, it's my house as well and I don't want him coming here when I'm not. What can I do? I'm seriously looking at flats to rent right now I'm so sick of this shit and being treated like something they wiped off their shoe. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Just because your partner thinks SS is old enough to get a key, doesn't mean he's responsible enough to have one. If he can barely close the door and forgets to lock it, than that's a problem you both don't need. So I would remind your SO of this and that right now you don't think its a good idea. You should both see if he proves himself responsible before making a decision. Also what's with YOU making SS a sandwich....what's wrong with your SO doing it?

You live in that home so what goes down is just as much your decision as his so don't let him think he can do what he wants without discussing it with you 1st.

STaround's picture

As a SM and a BM.  I don't like the idea of undersupervised teens, for more than occassionally.   He will be there and KNOW that no one can check in.  

sunshinex's picture

I had a key to my mom and stepdads house as a teen in highschool. You know what I did with it? I went home and made lunch, sure, but I also brought friends and let them grab snacks, got high in the living room, etc. so yeah, I'd say it's a nope for me. Just having experience as a teenager lol. 

DPW's picture

Exactly. My house was right across the street from the high school I attended and became the crash pad at lunch to get high, eat, etc. for me and my friends. 

Ispofacto's picture

Oh, lawd, no.

My own kids never had keys to our house.  They had the code to the garage door, and I would unplug that when we were away.  I'd go on vacay with DH while they were on vacay with their dad.  I never wanted them coming home a day early and having a party in our house.  Too many "nice" kids I knew in highschool destroyed their parents' houses doing that.  Not to mention SS and his teen friends having sex in your house, maybe even your bed, while you're not home.  Going though your things.  Taking stuff.

While my kids never had a key, DH gave SD15 a key without asking me.  DH was out of town with SD for a sports tournament two weekends ago, leaving me home alone all weekend.  I felt unsafe, and I ended up locking my bedroom door while I was sleeping.  DH's BM is a psychopath, and I don't use that term loosely.  (https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/mentally-unfit-biological-paren...)  I really wouldn't put it past BM or her Mealticket to come in our house and assault or kill me.  I told DuH he is an idiot for giving our house key to Norma Bates.  Objectively, he couldn't deny it.

DH also gave a key to our next door neighbor without asking me, to feed SD's gecko when we are out of town.  Our neighbor is a nice guy, but he's a naive single dad to 4 teenagers, and keeps our house key hanging in his kitchen!  A few weeks ago it came to my attention that someone soiled the sheets in our guest room, having intercourse whilst on the rag.  It was obvious.  My DuH said it was clearly just a little blood from a scratch on his knee when he slept there one night when he was ill.  You know, because I don't know what period blood looks like.  What idiots these men are.  I told him to get the key back, but he's too much of a coward to ask for it.  Copies have probably been made anyway.

I'm having the locks re-keyed Monday morning.  I told him to make different arrangements for the pet, or I'll get rid of it.

 

sunshinex's picture

Oh ew. I would have such a problem with that. I don't give my house keys to ANYONE, not even family. Mostly because I have cats that like to escape, but also, it's human nature to snoop. I don't want anyone snooping through my things. 

tog redux's picture

Wait, so he won't be "lonely" at lunch? Isn't there a cafeteria full of kids he can eat with at school? Doesn't he have any friends? Why would he want to come to your house at lunch?

My SS19 never had and never will have a key to our house. BM would have been in there in a flash.  Stick to your guns and tell DH this is a deal breaker for you.

Siemprematahari's picture

So he won't be "lonely" at lunch

^^^^^^^^^Seriously I mean really, how ridiculous does that sound......

Exjuliemccoy's picture

That excuse simply doesn't pass the smell test.

OP, put your foot down and tell your H NO, that doesn't work for you. You're the one home alone while he travels, and you deserve to feel safe in your home.

Cbarton12's picture

I would say no. And why would he be "lonely"? Does he not have friends he can hang out with at lunch? That's a very odd request and sounds like this kid is a loser who cant remember simple things. 

 

And wtf why would your husband even suggest that YOU make him a sandwich. Kid can make his own damn sandwich. Freeloader

TwoOfUs's picture

"And wtf why would your husband even suggest that YOU make him a sandwich. Kid can make his own damn sandwich. Freeloader."

Or if kiddo needs a sandwich made for him in the morning, why on earth would his mother not be the one to do it? It sounds like he's with BM but would just be wanting to stop by OP's house for lunch? Gross.

 

hereiam's picture

Nope, absolutely not.

"for him to come home at lunch time so he won't be lonely"

How is he going to not be lonely if no one is home when he goes home for lunch? Haha, nice try, BM.

Helpmeplz's picture

Thank you everyone for the comments, he very much is a loner and probably will struggle to make friends, honestly I'd say yes to him coming home for lunch but I know BM will use the key and come in when I'm not there. I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own house. Me and SO aren't married, so I feel he's just running my life tbh I have a say in nothing because "his kids come first and I'll be out if I don't agree". Even though he does Jack shit for then when their here, I cook, clean. Make sure they're washed, put them to bed, homework etx when here. Just feel like I'm being taken for an asoloute mug 

hereiam's picture

I would be out of there, then. YOU matter and he should not be steamrolling you.

It does sound like he is using you.

STaround's picture

Dad should talk to him about joining activities.  At our HS, band and choir practice at lunch.   There must be something the kid could be interested in.  If he is allowed to leave the campus, he should go for a walk or to the library.  His plan is NOT helping his kid

tog redux's picture

Yes, exactly. If he's a loner who has a hard time making friends, the last thing he needs is to skip lunch and go home. He should be encouraged to join a club or group, or even to eat in his favorite teacher's room where other "misfit" kids will be eating.

MrsStepMom's picture

So he won't be alone? He knows all those kids at school also eating lunch at the same time are in fact, OTHER PEOPLE! Hell no. I wouldn't let him in my house when I wasn't there doing god knows what, likely leaving a mess, etc.

STaround's picture

I can understand how painful it can be for an introvet to walk into a HS cafeteria with 300 people.  But DAD needs to coach his son on how to find activities, and fit in.  Running away from a problem is not a good idea.  Maybe go to the library where there are 3-4 kids.   Dad should talk to GC about what activities are avialable. 

MrsStepMom's picture

Every kid wants to call themselves an intorvert now just to get out of doing shit they don't want to. My SS tries to pull this shit. He is an intorvert until there is something fun to do. The best way to get past it is to work through it. Coddling will just set him up for a lifetime of difficulty.

STaround's picture

HS can be intimidating to some people.  I do think dad should help him get through it.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

Half of the expenses, why not get your own place? That way you have full control of keys and absolute say about who can and cannot have access?

If he is gone so much of the time, having your own place should not be a problem.

He can work out access issues on his own, and you will no longer feel used. In fact, you will feel very much in control.

A 14 year old child is old enough to have a key to his home -even his part time home.  You however should not necessarily have to entertain or provide for your boyfriend's son when the father is not there.

The sticky wicket is who owns the house and or who pays for the house. If you are not married to him and/or are,not paying half of all household expenses, I do not see how you can reasonably expect to say that his  child cannot have a key.

 

In this case , having your own residence is a definite plus.

shamds's picture

house and still has no say in who has access to it? Thats just rubbish.

i’m a sahm, my husband works crazy hours and only ss has a key or maybe bil if we’ll be away but no way does hubby make executive decisions to give keys to whoever without discussing with me. He certainly wouldn’t give it to sd’s since bio mum is batshit crazy and had her family threaten to kill hubby... 

the wife shouldn’t have to buy a home to have her privacy respected. This is an automatic thing in any relationship/marriage

Curious Georgetta's picture

House/home, he should not lose the right to give his son a key simply because he, the boyfriend, allowed his girlfriend to move into the house.

If it is a house that the girlfriend owns or pays half of more to support  , she has standing to object.

A man or woman could literally move in a new boyfriend or girlfriend on a monthly basis if that was the life style of their choosing, do you think that each and every one of those people should get to say whether the  child gets a key? Many seem to prescribe that living together gives  husband/wife and step parent status. That is a perfectly fine idea in the abstract, but it must be terribly confusing for the kids who have to deal with the reality.

If the girlfriend has a place of of her own, there is no question that she gets absolute control over key distribution.

 

TwoOfUs's picture

Good lord. 

At no point does this inane response have any connection to "reality" CG. This isn't a situation where a new GF/BF moves in every month. If it were...there would be no issue. 

This is clearly a long-term relationship and OP clearly works and contributes to the household...you know. Since she mentions above that she doesn't want the kid there while she isn't there because she's at work

At any rate...none of that matters at all. Shamds is 1000% correct that when people make the decision to live together (not something most people do lightly), they are giving up some control over the home and agreeing to compromise. BOTH members of the relationship have needs that matter and should be considered...and no one should have to feel like they have to "buy" privacy and respect in their own home. 

Her BF isn't home during these times...he works away for weeks or months at a time. She is home. She maintains the home while he's away. If his son makes a mess or damages something, she's the one who would have to deal with it. Her home is her sanctuary and safe place. No...that should absolutely not be violated so some kid can have a flop pad during his lunch period so he doesn't have to learn how to socialize. That's simply an absurd idea. 

This isn't something the kid needs in order to survive and thrive. It's a whim...a want. OP's need to feel safe and secure in her own home (the only one she has) is far greater than SS's desire to not have to navigate the cafeteria during his lunch period. Period. 

fourbrats's picture

have a key because DH and I get home after they do most days and they need to be able to enter the house and just so they can get into the house if we aren't home BUT they are also pretty responsible and they are our kids so there is no chance of snooping. Youngest DD's best friend lives across the street and she still sends me a text and asks if she can come over (they are 15). The 17 year old still asks as well if she has someone over so they are pretty good kids. 

I have been told that I am a bit crazy in terms of my "no unsupervised overnights" rule. As in I don't leave the kids overnight if DH and I will be gone. One of the older kids usually comes and stays with them or they stay at their house. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

tell him if he wants to give SS a key, then he also needs to install a camera either at your front door or inside your home looking at the front door (you can get a motion activated one to connect to your phone via an app), that way you can monitor it appropriately (don't tell SS you are doing this) and see if he is using it as he should and the second he lets someone (BM or friends) who are not allowed to be there, the key gets revoked. If he doesn't want to pay the expense, then no key. That would be the only way I would feel comfortable giving SS a key in your situation.

Winterglow's picture

It isn't about spying on his son it's about ensuring no unwarranted persons are roaming around the house. Given that the child might "lend" his key or even forget to lock the door behind him, it seems like a sensible measure to me.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

say son forgets to lock door, someone breaks in via front door, they can then see who broke in their home. I really don't see this as a negative, except it being an additional cost, but it would be effective and a preventative measure that benefits everyone.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

so she has a say in what goes on/who has access to their home unsupervised as well. A successful and healthy relationship includes the ability to compromise with one another. Father wants son to have key, girlfriend wants to make sure other people who do not belong in the home are not entering their home, compromise: son gets key and girlfriend can make sure he is using it appropriately. The son is in high school, growing up my parents told me I had no right to privacy, I am not an adult and it is their home, so I would not view this as spying, especially when the camera is only at the door where entering the home, not watching what the son is doing. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Um...Oh well, I guess.

When you're in a relationship, it's not all about what one person wants. Even if that person happens to be the person with a kid. Kids aren't some giant trump card that allow you to do whatever you want without getting agreement from your life partner. There are compromises that have to be made. 

This seems like a fair compromise if OP's partner is dead set on giving the kid a key. I'd ask/tell him this was my condition...and then just do it. 

If I'm the one left with the responsibility of managing and maintaining the home, I'm going to manage it the way that makes sense to me and gives me comfort in my home. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I didn't read all the comments but I will say this:

My kids have keys to both my home and my exH's houses (They had one when he was in the next town over and when he was 3 hrs away, and they will get one for his house on the other side of the country). I would never deny any of my kids or SS's keys to our home- it is their home too. They aren't guests at our house. 

That being said- I don't understand BM's logic with the reason why he needs a key. I think SS should have just asked his dad for a house key and leave it at that. If trust with that key is ever violated he would lose the privilege of having one, but a kid not having a key to a parent's house seems really weird. 

Winterglow's picture

OP - how old is your stepson? You mentioned he hasn't yet gone to high school but, as you're in the UK, I'm supposing that he is 11 or under. 

MommyT's picture

You could compromise and give the key but set up a Nest camera in the house and tell ss that it is there. If for any reason he unplugs the camera or brings anyone over including BM then you take back the key. I always try to come up with a compromise because then when the kid screws up, which he will, then you get your way in the end, and BONUS, you get to tell DH “I told you so.”

lieutenant_dad's picture

Keypad on the garage with the door unlocked in the house. Kid can get in and out, but doesn't have anything to lose or be copied. Put a camera, rather visibly, at the keypad. Make it clear NO ONE is to come home with him. First time it happens, code gets changed and he loses the privilege. If he comes home with an adult, BM included, cops get called.

Thisisnotus's picture

I agree to Get a nest camera but don't tell anyone!!!!!! Then give the key and see what happens.

CLove's picture

Before me, the Toxic Troll would steal Feral Forgers key from her (she was teen about 14-15 ish.) So if SO as gone, TT could drop them off anytime, etc. And she would stay. And help herself to whatever.

SH and I have talked it over - no key for Munchkin SD13. We will leave her alone at times, but normally is she is there we are there too. She doesnt drive yet, so when she is older, hopefully in college we will revisit.

I myself did not have a key to the house until about 18 or later.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

that SD13 still has a key to our house. She stayed home sick on Easter when DH and I were going to see my family. DH let her borrow the key so she could lock up when BM came to pick her up. We have one of those video camera doorbells and you bet your bottom dollar I checked it to make sure SD actually locked up the house. I could see BM and she knew it was a camera because while she stood there waiting for SD, you could tell she was uncomfortable and tried to cover the camera with her elbow. Lol

Does that make me paranoid or crazy? I wasn’t spying on SD, I was making sure she was being responsible because she rarely shows that she can be. I just hope she hasn’t lost the key.